Show & Tell: Distracting Myself

I have been trying all day to distract myself from my life. I am still incredibly sad about my cat, and incredibly stressed out about the test results. And incredibly sad that I just replaced my dryer and my hot water heater in the course of a week. As I just told my brother, I've had quite enough of being a grown-up this week. It isn't all it's cracked up to be. So what to do? Spend more money, of course!

After weeks of agonizing over which digital camera to buy, I just bought myself this:

And, in need of something to inspire me onward professionally, this:

And, in need of something to inspire me onward with this crazy TTC journey, this:



Ama.zon is like a whole new level of therapy inside my computer.

Want to see what everyone else in the class is showing this week? Head on over to Stirrup Queens and check it out.

Tests Done

I'm home. And freaked out. The MR.I tech was really chipper going in, and not so much coming out. I'm hoping I'm just being neurotic. Well, either way, the results are due back on Monday.

T. and I are off to lunch.

Superpowers

I'm currently jacked up on radioactive something-or-other, waiting for my bon.e scan. The radiology tech spent a lot of time with me this morning, explaining the test and reassuring me that (as long as the scan results don't show that I have a really bad disease) there is no reason we can't back to trying as soon as this is done. Well, he said to wait until Sunday or Monday, but since AF is due then, that shouldn't be much of a problem.

There is a little voice in the back of my head who is worried and afraid. I'm mostly trying to ignore her and her negativity. I go back to the hospital in a half hour for the scan, and then I'll have the M.RI right after that. I am hoping that those C.T scan findings are just the way my body is formed, and not something really, really bad.

Terrific T. has been reassuring me that everything is going to be fine, and that the findings on the C.T scan are going to turn out to be nothing. He has also been theorizing that after everything they are shooting me up with today for these tests, we are sure to have a Superbaby.

Putting Things Into Perspective

I received this as an email, and loved it, so I thought I'd share it.


WHEN A SOLDIER COMES HOME

I have to be at the hospital at 9:15 this morning, get injected with radio.active dye, and then come back at lunchtime for the fun tests to begin. Suckage, but better than being shot at.

Thank You

The kind words of support meant a lot to me. Monday was a truly awful day.

Kitty was diagnosed with kidney problems in December of 2007, so I have long known that the day was coming. I had thought that his lengthy illness would somehow make it easier in the end to let him go, but it did not. He truly wasn't suffering, up until the end--he was still purring and full of life. That's part of what made it so hard.

I know, on the one hand that he was "just a cat." On the other hand, he was an enormous source of comfort for me in the most difficult of times. The last few years have been tough on so many levels--the miscarriage, the stress of some of the health issues I've been through, and the drama and professional disallusionment caused by the Big Project, among other things. He was a bright and happy spot for me throughout.

He purred the minute I touched him--sometimes just at the mere sight of me. He curled up with me for hours on end, and was always happy to be picked up and cuddled. His favorite thing was to climb up onto my shoulder and snuggle into my neck--cute when he was a kitten, but spine-bending for most of the last decade! On the many, many nights that I suffered from crushing insomnia, he would lay on my chest and purr me to sleep. He always came when I called his name, no matter where he was. If he was out in the woods behind the house, he would start meowing from wherever he was, before I could even see him, as though to tell me that he was on his way. When my husband tried to exclude the cats from the bedroom in recent months so that they wouldn't disturb our sleep with their antics, kitty took to hiding in our bedroom until after the door was closed and the lights were off. He would then sneak up next to my pillow, where I'd awaken in the middle of the night to find him sleeping next to my head. He had a special personality for a cat. I miss him terribly.

I especially miss him today, as I am facing more medical tests and more stress. On Friday, I go in for a bon.e scan and an M.RI to follow up on the findings from the C.T scan that I had a month or so ago. I don't think I will be able to handle any more bad news. I could use his calming kitty influence today.

Summer, 1997-February 23, 2009

I am so sad.

Ugh

I woke this morning to find that poor kitty had vomited up what little food I'd gotten him to eat last night before I went to bed. It was very liquidy, so hopefully he got SOME nutrition out of it, but he'd clearly thrown up three times, and one of the times, his vomit was speckled with blood. He still purrs like mad when he sees me, and seems okay, although off. But the end seems near, and I am completely heartbroken.