Tough Decisions

I recently posted that I was going to do this, so here goes.

A recent controversey in the blogosphere got me thinking. I very much want a child. But is there any circumstance under which I would choose to terminate my pregnancy? The answer, dear reader, is yes. You may find me selfish, but I am who I am.

I have an acquaintance who has a profoundly disabled child. The child will not live much past the age of 10. One of the child's parents once relayed to me that the hard part of having this child is not watching the child go through life with these disabilities. Indeed, although the child doesn't experience anything like healthy children do, the child appears happy and loving at the level the child is able to exist at. The parent relayed to me that the hard part is dealing with the parents' own expectations, dealing with the fact that this child will never walk or talk or go to the prom. The parent said that if you just live in the moment and enjoy the child for what the child is, it is an enjoyable experience. . .it is when you start to compare the child to a healthy child, when you start to think about what is missing and all of your own hopes and expectations, that it becomes unbearable. I consider this parent one of the most noble people I've ever met. I totally get where this person is coming from. But if I had a choice, I wouldn't choose that for myself or my child.

I have other friends who had a child die before the age of 2, to a horrible deadly genetic disorder neither knew they were even carriers of. It's one of those weird things that about 4 people in the world have. They can never have a child together, as there is no way to test the embryos for the disease. Needless to say, they have been devestated by their experience. While their child brought great joy into their lives for the short time this child was here, the fallout has lasted so much longer. Seeing what they've been through, I just can't imagine choosing that for myself.

If I discovered during pregnancy that my unborn child definitely had a serious birth defect, I think I would choose to terminate. This is bound to sound cold and calculating, but there is a big world out there, and a finite amount of resources available. I don't see the point in bringing a life into this world who will require hundreds of thousands of dollars of medical care, and may never have particularly good quality of life. There are so many living, breathing children in various parts of the world who die horrible deaths because they don't have very basic things, like clean water or sufficient food. I think it is nutty that because I live where I do (and have the fab insurance that I have) I could call upon the medical profession to pour resources into a single child, who they may never be able to make well. I don't believe in life at any cost, unfortunately. I sort of wish I did. But why should I be able to do this, because I have the benefit of living in a wealthy nation?

I am officially of "advanced maternal age." I am at that age when the risk of birth defects skyrockets with every passing month. I don't know how I'll feel, if I am actually faced with any of the aforementioned scenarios. I do know that if/when I get PG again, I'll be having every test possible, so that I can get as much information as possible, so that I can make the best informed choice possible.

Crazy

I know I promised that I was going to blog about some really hard stuff, but I'm so exhausted this week that it's too. . .hard. So instead, I'm going to go with crazy.

I was in a really, really bad place this past fall. I was really burned out at work. I'd been pushing myself 60-70-80 hours a weeks for months and months on end, just to keep up. No one at work cared, or even really noticed. It had leveled out a little bit, and I was taking pretty good care of myself, making sure I was eating healthy and sleeping enough. Then, just before I had something really big going on again at work, I had the miscarriage.

I hadn't even considered the possibility that it could happen to me. It was like standing watching a sunrise on a peaceful beach, and being smacked in the head with a two by four, and not even seeing it coming. I was a mess. My head was so NOT together, in fact, that the day we learned about the miscarriage, on the way from my doctor's office, I turned to Terrific T in the car and said something to the effect of "I can't talk about this, because it will make me cry, and I don't have time to cry, because I have to go prepare for this huge meeting." And that's exactly what I did. I had to ask for a two week delay in what I had going on at work, so I could take time off for the D&C and reasonably get my head together enough to do what had to be done after that. I had the D&C, I went back to work, and I was devoured by work for the next month.

Then, the smoke cleared, and I took a couple of weeks off to decompress. Every day, I read, I walked around, I ate dark chocolate, I went to yoga, I relaxed. But, I was still a mess.

I'm not sure how it happened, but I ended up at my favorite spice shop. They sell all sorts of unusual culinary spices, and then lots of essential oils, medicinal herbs, etc. They also happen to give different types of "readings."

Let me just say, I don't believe in the stuff. I really, really don't. I think it's crap. But let me also say that I was in a really bad place. While I was looking for this or that spice, a young girl came up to me and told me that one of their readers had just arrived, if I wanted a reading. No pressure--she just mentioned it and walked away. And in that instant, I was sure that it was a sign, and I should do it.

So I did. This particular reader used tarot cards. It was remarkably relaxing, I have to say. It was also fascinating to hear her describe the job that I do, and how I feel about it. She was spot on! It was even more fascinating to hear her talk about the fact I would be happier doing one of two other things (one of which is The Thing That I Think I Am Meant To Do, but have never tried). It continued to be fascinating, in fact, until the part where she said that she could see that I had recently had a great failure of a project involving a child. At which point, I burst into tears. It was so embarassing. But seriously, how weird is that? It's not like I had pee sticks sticking out of my purse, or anything. Anyway, she told me it simply wasn't my time then, and she saw children in my future. Two, in fact.

Crazy, huh?

Little Bits and Pieces

I'm too tired to post tonight. I am loving NaCoBloMo or whatever the hell it is called, but I've been staying up waaaay too late reading all of your blogs and commenting. It's so fun. . .too fun. Work is nuts and I need to be sleeping (or working). But I just can't tear myself away! So, you're getting a shitty post, and then I'm hauling my ass to bed.

My cycle was a disaster this month. For the first time ever, my monitor and my temp spike did not agree with each other about the day I o'd. They were off by TWO days. I'm obviously going with the temp spike. I missed a pee stick a couple of days before I got the peak on the monitor, and I'm guessing that threw it off. It's my own damn fault. Anywhoo, I O'd on CD27. Seriously. WTF? And today, on CD37, AF is here. Wicked. A (barely) 10 day LP again.

I'm thinking about changing doctors. I'm thinking about trying a practice with midwives. A friend used them to deliver all three of her kids, and she LOVED the midwives. Is this crazy? I've got cycles that are all over the place, I'm ovulating late, and I have a short LP. Should I not be thinking about going to a practice heavy on midwives? I can't make up my mind. Please help.

Allison's server is set to another time zone, so it is ALREADY 5/29 for Our Own Creation. If you're reading this, you should click on her site to help her have a Brand New Day. Basically, Allison lost her twins, who were 16 weeks premature, and her stupid blog page notes that the death of the second twin is her "best day ever," because she got the most blog hits that day. The Blogosphere is trying to creat a BRAND NEW "Best Day Ever," and you can help just by clicking through! Please click here to go help her out. And let's make her have a REALLY good day--leave HER a nice comment, instead of leaving one here. It can count toward your five for the day. I'm sure Mel won't mind. It could even just be our little secret.

I Hope We Can Still Be Friends

I am gradually getting better. For those of you that are new to these here parts, I'm currently experiencing a flare-up of proctitis that was caused by a weird bacterial infection that was caused by an antibiotic I was on for an ear infection late this winter. I was in a downward spiral for several months and the baby plans have been on hold, so it is very exciting to me that I'm starting to heal.

Anyway, as I'm gradually getting better we are inching closer to being able to try again, but also closer to another birthday for me. As I turn a year older, I am cognizant of the fact that I will henceforth be living squarely in that land where the statistics start to get a little scary not only regarding my ability to get pregnant, but also for things to go otherwise terribly awry.

I am someone who believes that in quiet moments during calm seas, it is important to reflect upon emergency preparedness plans for what should be done if the boat sails into heavy weather. I have been thinking at lot lately about all of the bad "what ifs," about what choices I would make and what choices I could not make. As I read along with some of you and watch the heartbreak you are going through, I have wondered what I would do in your shoes, whether I would be strong enough to make certain choices, how I would react. I have also wondered what you would think of me if you knew that I could not make the same choice as you. I have wondered what I would think of myself.

There are some difficult situations and abysmal choices that I want to blog about now, while I am not pregnant, while my sea is calm and I can quietly contemplate my own thoughts and any you might have, as well. At the very least, I will create a record for myself of what I thought about the issue in a vaccuum; who knows what I will think is the right choice if I end up in the thick of it? In any case, I want you to know that I have been very reluctant to blog about these issues, because they are not popular issues. They are not easy issues. They are issues that most people hope they never encounter. My opinions may be distasteful to some. Unfortunately, that doesn't make them any less issues that I feel the need to explore, and that's what I use this space for. So, in coming days, I plan on posting some things that you might disagree with. I don't do it to be disrespectful to you or your choices. I hope you'll visit and share with me your thoughts. I hope you won't think the worse of me, because this is hard and scary.

Dirty Little Secrets

Today, I am thankful for all of those who have lost their lives in military service to our country, and I am thinking of their families.

Although it is a day to honor and remember, I am choosing today to post my dirty little secrets. My inherent reaction to somber and sad is to counter it with inane and silly. I blame my mother: when I was five, my mother told me that my grandfather had died, and then followed up this news by saying, "okay, let's go make chocolate chip cookies." I was hardwired wrong from the very beginning. And well, that's not the only evidence that I'm hardwired wrong:

1. I buy marshmallow fluff just so I can eat spoonfuls of it straight out of the jar.

2. I kept all of my positive PG tests from last summer. They're hidden in a drawer.

3. I think that I was meant to be wildly successful at exactly one thing. Since I was a child, I have been resolutely sure that was what I would do. I've never tried to do that thing. I'm afraid I'll fail.

4. I didn't just spend $2.00 on pumpkin seeds (see yesterday's post). I indulged EVERY ONE of my "someday" seed wishes this year. . .to the tune of $300. My garden is at least three times the size of my house.

5. I might not be going to Borneo after all.

6. I let my dog sleep in the bed when Terrific T isn't home. . .because she snores just like he does, and it makes me sleep better.

7. I am sure that I am going to have a healthy and successful pregnancy.

8. Sometimes I decide I don't like my shoes, so I buy a new pair and immediately put them on, then throw away the old pair on my way out of the store.

9. I am registered as an independent, but I have never voted for a Republican.

10. I once had a friend who got a lot of ugly wedding gifts. For a long time, she kept them on shelves in her basement, because she couldn't bring herself to simply throw them out, and was too afraid the giver would see them if she had a yard sale. When I felt like I had to give gifts to people who weren't very nice to me, I "shopped" at her Basement Emporium. It made both of us feel better.

Show & Tell: May 25

It's Sunday, so that means it's Show and Tell time.

Since last Sunday, I've been pondering a comment I received to last week's Show and Tell post. In the post, I took a little walk down memory lane, and mentioned that I'm feeling a little restless. In response to my post, a commentor said in part:

"Make new memories with those you love now. Dwelling in the past has pleasure; just don't go back that far."

It made me think. At first, I wondered if I sounded unhappy (I'm not--just restless). The comment sounded like something of a warning. Truthfully, I adore my husband and my current life. Conversely, the time period I discussed in my post was a tumultuous point in my life, and the man I discussed in the post wasn't even someone I kissed, but rather a harmless flirtation.

The post made me really start thinking, though, about the author's encouragement to make new memories, and that in turn made me examine exactly why I'm so restless. While I've known for months that I'm restless, I hadn't really given much thought to why that is the case, and merely chalked it up to being very busy with various obligations. It hadn't actually occurred to me to dissect the underpinnings. But the comment sparked some much-needed introspection this week.

A good bit of the reason I'm restless, I think, is that I am always waiting for something. I am someone who wants to do everything perfectly, at the perfect time. I want my ducks in a row. But the end result of this is that I spend a lot of time thinking. . .and planning. . .and waiting. . .but not DOING. That is the problem.

So this week I started looking at all of the things that I've been meaning to do, eventually, "when the time is right." I was startled to realize that there are scads of things big and small.

Which brings us to my Show and Tell:



I've been wanting to grow this pumpkin for years, but I didn't want to spend the money on the seeds because it seemed like a waste of money (who NEEDS pumpkins?), or I was worried it wouldn't grow right in my soil, or I wanted to wait until my garden was a little bigger. . .The seeds are a couple of dollars. If they grow, they may make me ecstatic with how delicious and cool they are. If they don't, I'm out a couple of bucks, and I can stop thinking about them. How silly am I for waiting?

I'm going to try to do a couple of things every month that I've been "waiting for the right time" to do.

Don't underestimate the power of commenting.

Googled

At the risk of sounding slightly psychotic, I hereby confess that I am sort of obsessed with Google. I Google everyone. Every once in a while, someone from my past will pop into my head, and I'll think, "I should Google them and see what they're up to." And I do. I find it fascinating, and also slightly frightening that so much information is so easy to find on people I haven't seen in decades. But it saddens me to think they were once so important to me, and now they're out there somewhere and I'll never know what they're doing. And then I Google, and my curiousity is satisfied.

Now, I don't mean that I actually contact them after I Google them--oh no. I simply look to see if I can find them anywhere, to see what they're up to. Old friend from college, wonder what she's up to. . .I cyber-stalked her through a fancy career that sounded fab, a big white wedding at 30 to the guy she dated (and cheated on profusely) throughout college, and then a baby and a move from the city to the country. Hmmm...they didn't use birth control for years and managed to have a baby. . .wonder if she had to have fertility treatment? It would be so inappropriate to call up after a decade out of touch and ask, huh?

My best friend from college who I lost touch with when she seemed to be "settling down" and I was still a wild child? The one who had serial long term relationships, all of which ultimately ended inexplicably because they just "knew they weren't meant for each other"? The one that I thought would be married before all of us (but shockingly, wasn't)? The one who during one of our last conversations told me that her serious boyfriend said he "wanted" to marry her, but refused to? She must've finally dumped his ass, because she got married a couple of years ago to a different, very successful man. They recently sold their house in the suburbs for almost a million dollars. She got an advanced degree a couple of years ago, but I can't find any mention of a career anywhere. I wonder if she's had kids, but no birth announcements have popped up. I'd like to call and ask. I wonder if she's had trouble, too.

Today, the urge was to Google a guy I had a huge crush on in high school. I haven't Googled him in, oh, probably a couple of years (no really--I'm not THAT much of a stalker!). We were the best of friends for years, and eventually lost touch while he was dating a woman I hated (I was SO relieved to discover that he didn't marry her). I've Googled him through a marriage in his 30's, (to a very nice girl that I actually realized I knew from high school. . .how weird is that? But hey--soo happy he married a nice girl), a baby girl two years later, and today, I discovered he has a son. Weirdest Google moment to date was when I found the hospital had posted a nursery photo of his baby boy. One click, and I was staring at a photocopy of a ghost of a memory of a boy. . .Um, I loved your dad when he was seventeen. . .which is exactly how many years have passed again, and now he has you. It takes my breath away, for so many reasons.