Tuesday, May 27, 2008

I Hope We Can Still Be Friends

I am gradually getting better. For those of you that are new to these here parts, I'm currently experiencing a flare-up of proctitis that was caused by a weird bacterial infection that was caused by an antibiotic I was on for an ear infection late this winter. I was in a downward spiral for several months and the baby plans have been on hold, so it is very exciting to me that I'm starting to heal.

Anyway, as I'm gradually getting better we are inching closer to being able to try again, but also closer to another birthday for me. As I turn a year older, I am cognizant of the fact that I will henceforth be living squarely in that land where the statistics start to get a little scary not only regarding my ability to get pregnant, but also for things to go otherwise terribly awry.

I am someone who believes that in quiet moments during calm seas, it is important to reflect upon emergency preparedness plans for what should be done if the boat sails into heavy weather. I have been thinking at lot lately about all of the bad "what ifs," about what choices I would make and what choices I could not make. As I read along with some of you and watch the heartbreak you are going through, I have wondered what I would do in your shoes, whether I would be strong enough to make certain choices, how I would react. I have also wondered what you would think of me if you knew that I could not make the same choice as you. I have wondered what I would think of myself.

There are some difficult situations and abysmal choices that I want to blog about now, while I am not pregnant, while my sea is calm and I can quietly contemplate my own thoughts and any you might have, as well. At the very least, I will create a record for myself of what I thought about the issue in a vaccuum; who knows what I will think is the right choice if I end up in the thick of it? In any case, I want you to know that I have been very reluctant to blog about these issues, because they are not popular issues. They are not easy issues. They are issues that most people hope they never encounter. My opinions may be distasteful to some. Unfortunately, that doesn't make them any less issues that I feel the need to explore, and that's what I use this space for. So, in coming days, I plan on posting some things that you might disagree with. I don't do it to be disrespectful to you or your choices. I hope you'll visit and share with me your thoughts. I hope you won't think the worse of me, because this is hard and scary.


HeidiM said...

I think your quest to explore your more authentic self is an admirable one. Many of us fear visiting the depths of our authenticity because we know deep down that what we may find may not be socially praised.

The friends I most respect are those who have thought long and hard about who they are and what they want, and are brave enough to act on their realizations.

Stacie said...

Thanks for visiting my blog! I am glad you are starting to feel better, too.

It is always beneficial to think about different situations and reflect about how you may respond. To open yourself up to others' reactions is courageous as well!

VA Blondie said...

I am glad you are feeling better. I applaud you on your courage to explore who you are. I can be daunting to open yourself up online.

Everyone has a different path in life and everyone has a different perspective. The sad thing is that many people think their perspective is the only one. I believe in accepting people where they are. Good luck with the soul searching.

I will hold you in the light.

Anonymous said...

I hope the colitis settles down for you.

It's your blog - blog about whatever you like :)

Io said...

I'm glad you're getting better and am now intrigued to know what you are going to talk about!

JamieD said...

I think you will be blogging about what everyone thinks about (me anyway) but doesn't say.

I have also read some terribly sad stories and wonder what decisions I would have made. But it is so hard to say until you are actually in those shoes.

Jen said...

I'm glad you are starting to feel better.

Good luck with your brave blogging. Go ahead and delete the trolls, if you get any. This is YOUR space.

calliope said...

(here from nacomleavmo)
First off- I am glad you are starting to feel better. Colitis is no joke and it can really exhaust every bit of you.

As for the wanting to explore some meaty subjects- bring it on! There will always be someone that will disagree (or feel like they should just be a prick of dissent)- but at the end of the day this is your space for you to explore whatever you want/need.

& thank goodness blogs come with delete the comment options!

Pepper said...

Here from NaComLeavMo and I agree that this is your blog and you should say what you like. I'm glad you're feeling better! May the trend continue.

Jendeis said...

Coming over from NaComLeavMo. I think you are very brave for posting about subjects that may make readers uncomfortable. As you write, it is important to examine your thoughts and feelings about possible outcomes before they occur, if only so that fear of the unknown doesn't consume everything.

Q said...

Hi there, returning the visit from my blog! Thanks for commenting.

Regarding the subjects you want to discuss, go for it. It's your blog. The choices you make are yours to make, for you and your family. We all like to think we do the best we can, but no one else has to live your life, or walk in your shoes.

And sometimes you don't really know the choices you'll make until you really have to make them.

The only thing we can really hope for is that we never have to be in any of those situations where the only choices are unthinkable. And anyone who judges you, having never been there, is no friend of yours anyway.


Brigindo said...

Thanks for dropping by my blog! I'm glad you're feeling better and I think the really important issues in life are hard and scary. It totally makes sense to try and address them now.

Looking forward to reading more.

Anonymous said...

I will ALWAYS be your friend, and as such, my assvice is always free for the taking. I have to admit that like Io, I am intrigued by what you may have in store for us.