I am gradually getting better. For those of you that are new to these here parts, I'm currently experiencing a flare-up of proctitis that was caused by a weird bacterial infection that was caused by an antibiotic I was on for an ear infection late this winter. I was in a downward spiral for several months and the baby plans have been on hold, so it is very exciting to me that I'm starting to heal.
Anyway, as I'm gradually getting better we are inching closer to being able to try again, but also closer to another birthday for me. As I turn a year older, I am cognizant of the fact that I will henceforth be living squarely in that land where the statistics start to get a little scary not only regarding my ability to get pregnant, but also for things to go otherwise terribly awry.
I am someone who believes that in quiet moments during calm seas, it is important to reflect upon emergency preparedness plans for what should be done if the boat sails into heavy weather. I have been thinking at lot lately about all of the bad "what ifs," about what choices I would make and what choices I could not make. As I read along with some of you and watch the heartbreak you are going through, I have wondered what I would do in your shoes, whether I would be strong enough to make certain choices, how I would react. I have also wondered what you would think of me if you knew that I could not make the same choice as you. I have wondered what I would think of myself.
There are some difficult situations and abysmal choices that I want to blog about now, while I am not pregnant, while my sea is calm and I can quietly contemplate my own thoughts and any you might have, as well. At the very least, I will create a record for myself of what I thought about the issue in a vaccuum; who knows what I will think is the right choice if I end up in the thick of it? In any case, I want you to know that I have been very reluctant to blog about these issues, because they are not popular issues. They are not easy issues. They are issues that most people hope they never encounter. My opinions may be distasteful to some. Unfortunately, that doesn't make them any less issues that I feel the need to explore, and that's what I use this space for. So, in coming days, I plan on posting some things that you might disagree with. I don't do it to be disrespectful to you or your choices. I hope you'll visit and share with me your thoughts. I hope you won't think the worse of me, because this is hard and scary.