Saturday, May 30, 2009

Tales from MIL-land--Got One?

"S" commented in my last post that she wasn't sure what my relationship with my MIL has been like. I guess it would give context to my last rant if I explained. T. and I have been together for 15 years, so I have a long relationship with MIL, and we have always been fairly close. Over the last few years, I've definitely seen less of her, but there was a time when she was around all of the time. Boundaries have always been an issue, because she. . .how do I put this. . .she doesn't see a need for them AT ALL, anywhere in her life. I love her dearly, and so appreciate that I don't have a MIL that is mean and evil, but she does drive me (and T.!) crazy sometimes. Here are just a few highlights which I think will illustrate her lack of boundaries over the years:

As a gift, she once gave T. and I a night at a B&B, lingerie, champagne, and massage oil. From my MIL, this is creepy, no? Thoughtful, but creepy.

I once came home to find that she was trying to be "helpful," and had done the laundry at my house (a lovely gesture, to be sure, and much appreciated). Except, she had somehow manage to locate, wash, and string across the basement to air dry every piece of lingerie that I owned. I was completely mortified.

She IS very helpful, and on another occasion, decided to surprise us by cleaning our house for us. Another lovely gesture, since we both work a ton. We arrived home, thankfully, just in time to prevent her from embarking on a reorganization project in our bedroom. She was sincerely offended that we wouldn't allow her in our bedroom. . .just didn't understand why we wouldn't want her poking around in there.

And then there are all of the times when I've come home to find that she's completely rearranged/redecorated rooms in my house, the time she asked me to watch her two cats, and decided she was going to leave them with me forever because they were better off with me, etc. She really is lovely and she means well, but sometimes it's a little hard to carve out space from her, as she sees nothing as "private."

T. and I had a long talk last night about it. I guess I'm upset not so much about her inquisitiveness as I am about how that infringes on my own efforts at self-preservation. If something were to go wrong with this pregnancy, I wouldn't want to discuss it with her. I wouldn't want her to know. I wouldn't want her to acknowledge it. Part of this is that she in the past has seemed unable to understand that I don't feel about things how she feels about things, and that makes such conversations with her unpleasant. Part of it is that I just want to deal with the bad stuff on my own, without the burdens of family expectations. For me, people knowing just makes it harder. We agreed that if she brings it up again with him, he will tell her that while he understands that she might be excited by the possibility of having a new grandchild, unless and until we get to that point, this is a private matter that we plan to keep between ourselves. I am quite sure this won't go over well--she has gotten very huffy in the past when we have tried to respectfully take this tact with her.

Lollipop had a good point, too, about whether that's how my MIL actually wanted to find out that we were pregnant, in response to being asked. I'm really disappointed that she did this, not only because of everything I've already mentioned, but because I had what I thought was a really exciting plan for how I was going to tell her. Out of everyone that we'll tell, I was most excited about telling her, because I knew how thrilled she would be (especially since my own mother will probably be only lukewarm, at best). I feel like a deflated balloon now. What's the point in a grand plan, if she already knows?

Since almost everyone has a MIL, I'll bet there are some great MIL stories out there. So, what's your most challenging moment with your MIL? Your best story?

Friday, May 29, 2009


A few weeks ago, T. and I spent the weekend with his mother. My stomach was bothering me over the weekend, as in, I had a stomachache, no doubt from all of the cookies I ate while I was there.

Last night, my MIL needed a favor, so T. had dinner with her and her husband and did the things they needed done around their house, like the good son he is. While he was there, MIL and her husband confronted him about whether I was pregnant, because I didn't drink any alcohol when I was at their house, and because I kept holding my stomache (which, again, had to do with the stomacheache). MIL had actually suggested to me over the weekend that maybe I was pregnant, and I told her that my stomach was bothering me from the stuff I'd eaten.

I am completely annoyed about this. I have NEVER spoken to them about the fact that we are trying. In fact, I don't want them to even know. I can't prevent T. from talking to his own mother, and he talked to her about the m/c a long time ago. However, he hasn't been talking to her about this stuff in well over a year. She tried to bring it up with me once before (other than last weekend), and I quickly changed the subject. We obviously haven't told her now. She should really get the fact that we have chosen not to talk about it, and she should respect that, even if she suspects that we are pregnant. I understand that she will be excited-but, she has six other grandkids. It's not like this is the first. And it certainly can't be the first time someone hasn't told her something.

I am really upset about her refusal to respect our privacy. I can only imagine what it's going to be like if we end up with a real live baby. The really frustrating part is that even when I've been really clear with her in the past about my needs and desires, she refuses to abide by them. She utterly refuses to acknowledge that someone might feel differently, or have a different perspective from her. I just want her, just once, to back off until she's invited in.

Wednesday, May 27, 2009

Fear Factor

I have been trying not to do jinxy things (see that email I just sent you, Darla!) But I just did something I am sure will bring a pox upon my house. I bought a pregnancy book.

It's such a stupid thing, but I've been avoiding it even though I don't have a decent one. I have been thinking about it for weeks, even though I selected the books I wanted some 20 months ago, or so. I'd placed the books I wanted into my Ama.zon shopping cart with my very first pregnancy, but never quite got around to buying them. Despite the nurses' assurances that spotting was normal, once it started, I never felt like that pregnancy was going to work out. In the aftermath, I was thankful that I'd never bought them--it meant fewer things to hide. Now two years later, because Ama.zon is clearly an eternal optimist, they were still in my shopping cart, in the "saved" section. I've circled around them for weeks. . .do I buy them, do I not. I started to place the order, then stopped. I clicked away. I clicked back. "After the third beta," I promised myself. "After the first ultrasound." "After the second ultrasound."

And then I finally realized about five minutes ago, I have to live for today. I can't live for yesterday. I can't live for the lost baby of 2007. I can't live for tomorrow. I can't predict the future, and fearing what is next is simply no way to live. I have to simply experience today as it unfolds. I have to exist in THIS MOMENT. Because this is all I have, but more than that, this is pretty damn good.

Tuesday, May 26, 2009

And even more good news!

I haven't blogged about it in a while, but I'm still pursuing that job that I really want. It has been sloooow going, but I just learned that I've made it to the next level. I am really excited about this. Of everything I've been considering doing next, it is the only job that I am excited about.

Unfortunately, there is another lag from here. I will need to travel out of state for an interview, and the interview won't be until late summer or so. So exciting to know that it's progressing, though. What a great day today has been!

Ultrasound #2

And all is well...There is still a baby there, with a good strong heartbeat of 134. We got a due date of 1/13/2010. And, we got released from the RE.

All in all, a really good morning. I am feeling very relaxed and positive. It's still sort of hard to believe, though.

Sunday, May 24, 2009

Status Update

First of all, I finally updated my last post to include an u/s photo--not that anyone but myself is probably interested in photodocumentation of a brand new beating heart. It makes me pretty excited, though!

I am feeling pretty good. I'm am tired a lot, but an 8pm bedtime has been making the exhaustion manageable. And honestly, given what my work schedule has been like over the last couple of years, and the overwhelming exhaustion that was associated with it, I really don't pay much attention to how tired I am. It sort of feels normal. The only difference is that right now, I actually have the time to sleep!

I've been getting tinges of nausea, but only when I go awhile without eating. Frequent small snacks have kept it at a minimum. I hope it stays this way.

I double-checked my maternity leave coverage (and have it in writing). I get 8 weeks paid maternity leave, but I can take another 4 weeks on top of that. I can use my sick leave and vacation time, or some combination thereof, to cover those 4 weeks (I get 3 weeks of each), so I should be in good shape. How my employer will react to me taking the time I'm entitled to is an entirely different story. My boss recently made a negative comment about someone we know that works for a different employer, who is taking paternity leave this summer (his comment was essentially that in this economy, the person shouldn't be taking leave at all). I am sure he'll be pissed when he finds out that I plan to take every ounce of leave I can get, but given that I stopped trying last year so that I could work on--and successfully accomplish--the Big Project that no one else--including himself--was willing to work on, I won't be taking any grief about it. I have earned this.

I am convinced that we are having a boy. Completely and totally convinced.

We were supposed to do another u/s at 8 weeks, but since my RE isn't in the office that week, we are doing our next u/s at 7 weeks, on Tuesday morning. The nurse said that by then, everything should have doubled in size. Hopefully, everything will keep chugging along. If we make is successfully past this ultrasound, I will be more pregnant than I ever have been.

I have no idea when my RE will release me to a regular OB. I forgot to ask last week. Since I suppose it could be another month, or it could be as early as this week, I've done some research and have narrowed the list. I am currently considering two OB practices at two different hospitals. I ruled out a third hospital, even though it is one that I really like, since they don't deliver as many babies there (it's a small hospital), and the only care providers I like that are associated with that hospital are midwives, and I think I'm too neurotic to go with a midwife.

I'm at the point where I would really like to hear from women who have given birth at the two hospitals. But, since we are still hiding deep in the closet with this pregnancy, it's been a little hard to ask people about OB recommendations. Oddly enough, it happened to come up with friends at dinner on Friday night, while they were discussing the birth of their kids. I asked as many questions as I could without it seeming odd, but still didn't get to ask all of the questions that I have. I'm sort of hoping I don't get released to my OB until we are 12 weeks and I feel comfortable telling people, but I doubt that will happen. Argh. Well, at least I am in the position of having to make decisions like this!

Thursday, May 21, 2009

Ultrasound #1

Huge relief!!! One fetal sac, one fetal heartbeat. I think T. might be a little disappointed that there is only one, but I am soooo relieved. It's measuring spot on at 6w1d, and the heart rate was 104. The nurse said that this early on, anything over 100 is good. The doctor seemed to think everything was on track. We go back next week for another ultrasound.

I am so relieved that there was a heartbeat. All morning, I was completely stressed, reliving the last u/s we had, and remembering how badly it ended. Another milestone, passed.

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

Although It's Crazy, I Have To Say It

First off, I have been feeling fine the rest of the week, so I think Monday really was some sort of brief stomach bug, or the result of eating something bad. I sure hope that it wasn't morning sickness, because I kept feeling like I was going to pass out. But since then, I've been fine, but for a few brief waves of nausea that have quickly passed.

So, the big ultrasound is tomorrow. I am getting excited, despite my best efforts. I am feeling optimistic, although that seems sort of crazy. And while we're on crazy. . .T. really wants multiples. I keep explaining to him how incredibly unhealthy it can be for both mother and children, but this does not dissuade him. He thinks it would be really cool. I think secretly, he wants more than one child, and he is afraid I won't do this more than once. Every morning, he kisses me good morning, and then he kisses my belly three times, saying good morning to each of the babies he is imagining into my tummy. He has really been quite lovely. I thought he could barely cook (and we've been together almost 15 years), but I've been getting delicious gourmet meals every night. (Well, except for tonight, when I bit into raw chicken. . .and I'm still feeling queasy). He is very excited.

When I was about eleven or twelve, my great aunt and uncle had their 50th wedding anniversary. Their family threw them a big party at a turn-of-the-century historic building on the river, and the guest list included all sorts of relatives that I'd never seen before. It was the kind of party that included kids, and there were tons of us running around and generally wreaking havoc. One of my cousins, younger than me by two years, was standing talking to me when a creepy man came up to us and started talking to us. He told us that he was really interested in genealogy, and that by his calculations, either she or I were destined to have twins. Despite the fact that there is no way that genealogy could predict this, and setting aside the fact that he was probably a child molester, this idea has always floated around in the back of my head. My cousin grew up to have three kids, none of whom were twins.

We live in an area populated by deer, but I hadn't seen many over the winter. In the weeks before this cycle started, all of a sudden I started seeing them everywhere. They were always in pairs. Because I'm crazy, I took this as a sign (hello, Tertia! I'm making up my own signs!) that we were going to eventually get pregnant with twins. I kept seeing them again and again, always in pairs, their fur dark as it always is after a long winter. And then, I saw them one last time. Except this time, there were three.

There, now I've said the crazy things. Tomorrow we'll know for sure.

Monday, May 18, 2009


For the last couple of hours, I have had a terrible stomachache that comes and goes, along with hot flashes, and then chills. I feel like I am going to throw up when the stomachache gets bad. And then it just goes away, and then comes back. Food poisoning? I felt fine earlier this morning, and only ate a banana and a cup of decaf green tea for breakfast.

Sunday, May 17, 2009

Where I'm At

Things still seem okay, although that obviously means nothing. My boobs are really sore, and I've been needing plenty of sleep, although I'm not terribly exhausted as long as I get at least 8 hours a night (although last night, I went to bed at 8 and slept until 7 this morning).

Of course, this still doesn't seem real, and I am waiting for the other shoe to drop. For whatever reason, it occurred to me today to get out my paperwork from my first pregnancy to see when things started going wrong. This was probably not such a good idea, but I am full of bad ideas. It turns out that I started spotting with that pregnancy at 24 DPO. Naturally, I am at 23 DPO today. I wish I could've had that bright idea a week or so from now, when I would've maybe gotten a sigh of relief out of it. I am also having sort of little stabby pains down very low in my abdomen. Sigh. The next few days are going to be long ones. Why must I torture myself like this?

I'm still on the progesterone, although I have to say, I really hate the contraption it comes in. I don't mind using the medicine itself. I don't even mind the oily pantiliners that much. But I HATE having to retrieve the UFO from the refrigerator and then having to wrestle with it to get the damn medicine out. I have had the misfortune of having to use suppositories before, and they came in nice little individually wrapped bullets that you simply opened and used. But this progresterone. . .no such convenience. The individual doses were apparently poured into one giant plastic disk that looks sort of like a home smoke alarm, and the flying saucer come with a little plastic tool that you use to pop the individual doses out. There are about 30 doses or so in each flying saucer. There is also a little maroon cap that pops out with the progesterone when you finally manage to get the thing open and pop out the dose. I cannot believe that this is an economical way to package the progesterone, given how much plastic is involved. It is definitely NOT convenient. We went away for the weekend, and I couldn't bring the thing with me--it wasn't exactly something that would be overlooked in my MIL's refrigerator! (I popped a few out and took them along in a ziploc--something I'd happily do with rest, if I weren't so afraid this made them unsanitary.) Somewhere, there is some evil mad scientist who decided that at risk pregnant women with unfortunate histories haven't suffered quite enough.

So, ultrasound on Thursday morning. I'll be holding my breath until then.

Thursday, May 14, 2009

3rd Beta

The doctor's office threw me for a loop today. They always call on my cell, but I didn't hear from them. When I finally got out of a meeting a few minutes ago, I was able to call, only to discover they'd left a message on my home voicemail. The number was 6014, so things are still looking good. I have an ultrsound scheduled for next Thursday. I'm supposed to keep up with the progesterone twice a day.

Big sigh of relief (except about the progesterone, which I'll whine a little about this weekend-mine came in giant flying saucer tubs that are a pain to get it out of). But I should hardly complain, right? We might really be having a baby!!!

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

Happy Anniversary to Us!

It's our 9th wedding anniversary today. Nine years, and it just keeps getting better.

Bloodwork tomorrow...I'm equal parts excited and scared.

Tuesday, May 12, 2009


This post is possibly TMI. Sorry.

I didn't call the doctor. I didn't think it was warranted. I never saw anything when I wiped-just a small bit of spotting. Plus, there really isn't anything the doctor can do for me at this point. I'm on progesterone, and my levels have looked good. Bloodwork isn't really going to ease my mind, to be honest, because we all know everything can be fine one minute and crap the next.

So, I drank a ton of water and tried to think good thoughts. And, I am mostly in a zen place. No more spotting. Next doctor's appointment is Thursday, for more bloodwork.And hopefully, everything will be okay.

Monday, May 11, 2009

Trying hard not to freak out...

about light cramping and light pinkish-red spotting.

Dammit. Can't this just be easy and worry-free?

Sunday, May 10, 2009

This Post Is Like the Kitchen Junk Drawer

Little bits of lots of things in it. . .

I decided to tell T. today, mostly because Wednesday is a school day, and I decided that wouldn't be as fun. Plus, I realized that if it took him a while to figure it out, we'd be pressed for time. It was lovely, and he is thrilled. We had a wonderful, amazing, peaceful day.


The fundraiser went off mostly without a hitch, and was successful. Of course, being the neurotic Type A control freak that I am, I can only think about the things I'd do differently to make it twice as successful next time. But in this economy, especially, I am glad that we did as well as we did. It was my first time organizing a major event, so that makes is particularly exciting. I am EXHAUSTED today!


With regard to my last post, a commentor wrote that she felt a little weird knowing before my husband knew. I sort of understand that. But, to me, writing in my blog isn't really like telling. I actually don't feel like I told anyone before I told my husband. I blog anonymously. The internet doesn't know who I really am, and no one IRL knows about my blog. I use this as completely safe, completely free space to clear my head. For me, blogging is sort of like batting things around in my own head--the functional equivalent of having voices that talk back to me about my own thoughts and feelings (with the added bonus that hearing these particular voices doesn't mean I'm crazy!).

The second piece of this (the writing it here before I told T.) is that he is my best friend. The first miscarriage was incredibly difficult for him. If I can spare him an ounce of pain, of course I do, and I will. I would so much rather suffer alone that have him have to suffer with me. But I blog about it, too, so I don't really have to suffer alone. Last month, when I thought the weak positive wasn't going to end well, I did ultimately tell him what happened--but only after I knew the end result. There was no point in getting his hopes up with the first positive, only to be smashed again. He didn't need that. So, part of the waiting this month was for the outcome of the two betas. I want to guard his heart as much as I can, because he is everything to me.

Blogging is the best of both worlds for me. I can get the support and the guidance that I need, without having to expose myself to the thoughts, feelings, motivations, and implications of sharing my situation and experiences with people that I know IRL.


Mother's Day is such a non-holiday for me. I buy a gift and a card and mail it, I make a call (mom's not within easy driving distance), and then I go on with my life. Can't say that being PG made me feel any differently about it. It's like Valentine's Day to me--it's really a pretend holiday.


T. was suprisingly firm about not telling anyone that we are PG for as long as possible. I am in complete agreement. The miscarriages have made us even more guarded, in that regard. Sigh.

Friday, May 8, 2009

Crazy Days

Thank you SO much for all the thoughts (and for the info on what your RE's do re: bloodwork and u/s. . .who knew there was such a range!) Part of me still can't believe it's real. . .part of me just feels incredibly at peace. Whatever is going to happen is going to happen, and all I can do is take good care of myself and roll with it.

I still haven't told T. I am tempted to tell him tomorrow, but tomorrow will be insane. I'm chairing a fundraiser for a local nonprofit, and the event is tomorrow night. I spent all day today preparing, and I have another long day ahead of me tomorrow. I don't want to do the big reveal, and then have to run out of the house. Plus, there will be wine involved tomorrow night, and tons of friends around. Big news + big event + big amounts of wine will definitely result in him telling people, which I am completely against at this stage! I'm not sure I want to wait until Wednesday, though, which is our anniversary, so I might do it on Sunday. We'll see.

Please think good thoughts for my fundraiser. It's tough to raise money in this economy, but every penny we raise will help families in need. I am thrilled to be able to do this work. . .and I am thrilled that tomorrow is the event. I can't wait to have my free time back, and just in time for a laundry list of pre-baby projects!

Thursday, May 7, 2009

2nd Beta

And the number is: 284.

They didn't test my progesterone this time, but the doctor has decided to start me on progesterone suppositories as a precautionary measure. He is concerned that my progesterone level could drop, apparently. 100 mg twice a day is what they're starting me on.

I also have to go back for more bloodwork in a week. They said they always do this with their patients. Is that what other people have done with their RE?

I'm really happy with the number. I just hope things keep moving in the right direction.

Wednesday, May 6, 2009

What a Difference a Day Makes

I am feeling ridiculously optimistic. I'm sure this is folly, but I'm going to roll with it for now.

I haven't told T. yet. Our 9th anniversary is next week. I'm not sure I can hold out a whole week to tell him. On the other hand, it would be really fun. You see, I have this whole plan for how I'm going to tell him. He thinks, actually, that we have already started the testing for the next cycle (he doesn't pay very close attention to those kinds of details, thank goodness--there is only one of us sweating those!). So, this will come as a complete surprise. My plan for telling him involves a riddle. And, I frequently torture him with riddles on our anniversary. So, if I can manage to hold out until next week, he'll think it's another anniversary riddle, which should make it particularly entertaining when he finally figures it out. The riddle involves figuring out the use of another object which itself contains the news, but unless the riddle is solved and the use of the object is correctly executed, the news will remain unaccessible. Curious about what it is, exactly? Ahh, a future show and tell post in the making.

Yes, I have put too much thought into this. But I'd like it to be an event. We might as well hold on to the good moments while we can, because who knows how long the good moments will last.

Tuesday, May 5, 2009

And the answer is. . .

I'm apparently pregnant. At least for now. Beta was 89. (Is that good? The nurse said that was good. I have no idea. I'm on CD28, and about 11-12DPO.). 2nd beta on Thursday. She also said that My progesterone levels look really good (50, she said, although that means nothing to me, either), and although they thought that I might need progesterone supp's, they don't see a need.

Hmmm. It doesn't feel real.


Two dark lines on the pee stick this morning. I am starting to feel a glimmer of hope...

Monday, May 4, 2009

Tertia's Book

I apologize for bring late to the book party; I've been selfidhly distracted by my own goings-on.

I loved every minute of Tertia's book. She's just so fresh and funny and brutally honest. Reading about what she's been through is a little bit like reading through all of the scary bits to a pregnancy book, as she's really seen it all. It was at times incredibly sad, but in the end, it is just amazing to have the chance to witness her perseverence. She was so determined to get there, and she did. I admire that.

But the biggest thing for me is that she is always so honest, to the point where it's at times almost raw...painful to read. There is value in that for me, because seeing her walk through those lowest points both makes me feel less alone on this journey, and it convinces me that I, too, will be okay in the end.

I think Tertia is so brave. As honest as I am here, I don't think I come close to being as bold and brash and outspoken as she is. So here is my question to you: Do you think YOU are completely honest even on your own blog, or are there things you hold back? Do you think you are as forthcoming as Tertia? And if not, why not?

More Waiting

Of course I POAS'd this morning. The line was a tad darker. I called my clinic, but I needed to be at work early this morning, and so b/w is out for today (I work an hour from the clinic). I'm going in for b/w first thing tomorrow morning.

Sunday, May 3, 2009

Third Time Is The Charm?

There is a whisper of a line on my HPT this morning.

I am not even excited.

I can't get my hopes up, not after what happened last month, and particularly not after the doctor telling me that egg quality is the problem, and that Clo.mid wouldn't do anything for my egg quality.

Tomorrow is the day that I'm scheduled to talk to the RE's office, anyway, and they had planned to do a beta tomorrow, in preparation for the next cycle. It's just that now there might be a little more riding on the beta than I had expected.

Edit: I am approximately 9DPO today. Per the CBEFM, I am 9DPO, but I never quite had a temp spike, because we started sleeping with the windows open around the time of O. I usually use both to pinpoint ovulation. I've had the CBEFM be off by a day before, so I don't rely on it entirely. I chart on Fertility Friend, and that has me O-ing on CD18, which would make today only 8DPO. I'm sure that's not right, though, just going by the horrible ovary pain that I had this month, which was strong on CD16, lessening on CD17, and gone by CD18.