Saturday, March 28, 2009

Happy Saturday

I am in a really good mood this morning, for no particular reason at all. I thought it was supposed to be sunny and warm. . .it's cool and foggy. This might change my plans for today. Hmmm.

I'm still not sure how this cycle will go. . .lots of CM, but can't decide if that means I AM or I'm NOT. I chart on fer.tili.tyfriend, just to keep track in a central place, and it originally said I O'd on CD16, making today 7dpo. But this morning, when I put in the temp's for today and yesterday, it changed my O date to CD18!!! I know this can't be, because my temp rose about a half a degree on CD17. All the temps after that are at least a half degree higher than anything before CD17. I have no idea why the stupid program wants to use CD18. ALL of my temp's from CD17 on are higher than anything before that. It's totally weird. My temp's have also gotten progressively lower over the last three days, which would also suggest to me that maybe they're going to continue dropping, and AF will arrive. But I'm really just trying to read tea leaves here. In a few more days, I guess I'll know.

Friday, March 27, 2009

Special Sauce

If you've been reading me lately, I'm sure you've noticed that I am all about TMI. Hopefully, I haven't horrified anyone. I was thinking about it recently, and realized that the rest of the universe probably doesn't really want to know about my CM. That's not to say that I'm going to stop blogging about it, because this is my record for next cycle, but I am sorry you have to be dragged along on my distasteful journey through the tales of my nether regions.

And on that note, I've had a number of comments about Pre-Seed recently. (Infertility Rocks, thank you SO much for the comment that your RE recommends it--that's JUST what I needed to hear!). I've actually been using it. When we got pregnant before, we were using it, as well, so I'm convinced that it works. Or at least I was. Lately, I've been wondering if it really doesn't do anything at all, but rather there is some evil mad scientist sitting somewhere, laughing his ass off that he has managed to convince infertile women to squirt some cold slippery stuff up their hoo-ha's. So, it was helpful for you all to recommend the stuff, thereby dragging me back from the brink of insanity. I am once again convinced that it maybe, just maybe, might help us get to where we are intending to go.

Oh, the joys of the 2ww.

Thursday, March 26, 2009

Time is slowly slipping by this week. Work has been busy, and it has been good to be occupied. I went out with a bunch of friends last night for drinks and dinner. It was really weird to not have a glass of wine with everyone else, but fun to be out. I haven't gotten home that late on a school night in a long time! The weekend promises to continue to be busy, which will hopefully keep my mind off obsessing.

Thank you for all of the responses to my "Revelations" post. I do know that everything is not all happy, all the time. But T. is right--there was definitely a mind shift for me, way back when, and there was another one back to a darker place, after the miscarriage. It wasn't just happiness over being pregnant--I definitely had a more positive outlook on the world, during that time. I think that everything we've slogged through since then has definitely changed me, and has impacted my outlook. I definitely look at this whole babymaking business with a jaundiced eye. I guess that only time will tell in terms of what the future holds for me, and for us.

And now, I'd better get in the shower. I have meetings all day, and I'm going to be late to the first one if I don't get going. Thank goodness for meetings, though--and meetings out of the office. The distraction is fabulous.

Tuesday, March 24, 2009


So, nothing exciting here. My temp's say that I'm 3dpo. My boobs are slightly larger than normal, which is probably a side effect of the Clo.mid. Other than that, things are pretty normal.

I would really like to think that this is our cycle, but I'm completely convinced that it's not. CM is something of an issue for me, and the one time we managed to get PG, the sex was better timed than it was this month. With next to no CM, I surmise that the swimmers don't live very long, and/or can't make their long and arduous journey to Eggville. But, I guess we'll know for sure in another week.

Monday, March 23, 2009


Now that we are able to actively try again, wisps of the past two years periodically roll back across my active consciousness, making me revisit all that we've been through. Breakfast yesterday brought two opposite ends of the spectrum--things I once couldn't deal with that now seem like no big deal, and things that just unexpectedly sadden me, with no warning. Keep in mind that I don't talk to ANYONE IRL about TTC, because even now, I'm just not in a place where I'm ready to deal with anyone else's expectations.

Over eggs in our favorite breakfast joint yesterday morning, T. was casually relating a story that he found hilarious--a relative of mine had helpfully suggested to him that there are test kits that can help you figure out when you're ovulating. (Did YOU know that? Golly!) From there, the conversation unfolded like this:

"And I told her, look at who we're talking about," he chortled. "Of COURSE you have everthing like that covered!"

"Um," I replied, puzzled, "but she doesn't know we're trying." (Clearly, she did. . .I was just trying to wrap my mind around this.)

"Yes she does, from before, from when we had the miscarriage. You talked to her then." He continued nonchalantly eating his eggs, not realizing the problem.

"No I didn't." I continued with my eggs, too. (Incidentally, the hollandaise was wicked; I could've eaten a dozen.)

He looked up from his eggs, the problem starting to dawn on him.

"Yes you did." Um, but I didn't. And then, realization hit. He set his fork down, and started looking forlorn.

"Nope, never. I don't ever talk to anyone about it**. [**Well, I talk to all of you, but T. doesn't know about my blog (because he'd read it, and then I'd edit myself knowing he reads it, and that would kind of be beside the point), and anyway, that's different, because you aren't going to accost me and foist all of your expectations on me. Probably.] YOU do, though." I kept eating. A year ago, I would've been furious that anyone knew (IRL). I didn't want to tell anyone (and didn't). But we are polar opposites about just about everything, and in contrast to my withdrawal deep into myself when something bad happens, he needs to talk to his friends and family about things that bother him. He was completely devastated by the miscarriage, and told loads of people about it. However, the people he told were generally HIS family and friends; he respected my wishes when it came to MY family and friends.

"I am really, really sorry. Please don't be mad." He looked at me with puppy dog eyes. I laughed. I wasn't mad at all, and I really didn't want him to feel bad for "outing" us. I know that the relative in question suspected we were trying, because she hints around about it all the time. I, of course, ignore her hints. Everyone knows poor T. is a talker, and therefore an easy target if you are looking for information about the two of us. It was a little unfair for her to play him like that. The whole situation made me laugh at this point (the skulking! the intrigue!), but he felt terrible.

But it had been my turn to feel terrible on the way to breakfast. I'd asked him an intriguing question I'd thought of in the shower yesterday morning: irrespective of finances or location, what was his idea of our perfect future? His answer brought me to tears for us: he said that in the months we were initially trying to get pregnant, and then during those that we were pregnant, those precious months before the miscarriage, I seemed so blissfully happy all of the time, so joyous, that it made his life perfect, because we talked and connected and had so much hope and joy for the future. That is the perfect life he aspires to.

The thing that absolutely brings me to my knees is that I don't know if I can ever get back to that place again. I've lost my innocence. I do want that for him, and for us, and I feel terrible that I'm not sure I will ever get back to that place. I wonder, if we had not had the miscarriage, would our lives have be full of nothing but sunshine and light now? Has our journey cast a pall that will never quite be gone? Has it deprived me of something very fundamental, which can never be quite achieved again? I was so naive in my bliss those many months ago. I long to go back there, not even for myself, but for T. I want him to know that happiness again. After everything, he deserves that. But it is the "everything" that has happened in between now and then that makes that joy, that bliss, that utter happiness that much more elusive.

Sunday, March 22, 2009

I just realized!

Today is my blogoversary!

Let's Talk About S@x, and Shopping

This is once again going to be more information than anyone visiting here wants to know, but since this also serves as my TTC journal and I want a record for the next cycle, my apologies in advance.

The sexathon is over. My temp spiked .40 degrees this morning, clearly indicating that I O'd yesterday (CD16). I must've had a short LH surge this cycle, because normally I don't O until the day AFTER I get a "peak" reading on the monitor, and I had only a "high" on CD15 (Friday). From my CM on CD15, I actually thought that I might be O-ing earlier than the monitor indicated.

Unfortunately, the end result is that I don't think it's going to work this month. We were supposed to have sex every other day starting on CD11, but we started on CD12, instead. Because I thought I was O-ing Friday (CD15), even though the monitor didn't give me a "peak" on Friday, we were going to DTD Friday night. . .but I fell asleep at like 8:00, before T. even came to bed. Then, we were going to DTD Saturday morning, and that didn't work out for other reasons. So, we did finally get around to it last night, but I think it was probably too late. I have zero hope that any swimmers were still sticking around from CD14, because my body doesn't work like that. At least, it hasn't any other time in the last two years.

But hey, I O'd on CD16. That is waaay better than my "normal" CD21 or 22. Onward we march to the next cycle.

I have been personally engaging in a one-woman economic stimulus plan recently. I am there for you, America. There was the new dryer and the new hot water heater in a single week last month. Yesterday, it was the bedroom. It all started when T. asked me to pick up some more shaving cream that he fell in love with. It's the Bige.low kind, so this involved a trip to the mall. And while I was on my way to the store that actually sells the shaving cream, I had to walk through Mac.y's, where they were having a one-day sale on pillows. The pillows on my bed were all horrible, flat, stuffing coming out of them disasters, and I've been meaning to replace them, and it was a really great sale. So, I bought six of them--two normal fluffy pillows, two down, and two made of this gushy memory-foam stuff, for $60! Given that the cheapest of the pillows was normally $20, and the most expensive two were normally $40 each, I thought this was a great deal.

Then, I moved onward to pick up the shaving cream. Really, that's all I meant to do. But the store is by Vicky's little lingerie boutique, and hey, the sexathon was on, so I had to swing by for some cute new underwear. They were having this deal where you got $5 off your purchase if you tried on their new "perfect" bra. It saved me $5, but it wasn't anywhere near perfect. "Perfect" generally involves something that is (a) comfortable, and (b) makes me look naturally endowed. The so-called "perfect" bra made my tatas look like a 1950's pinup--all big and pointy and unnatural looking. Anyone who knows me would have taken one look and thought "hey, she's wearing a giant padded bra!" But then, there's often a lot of padding involved in my bra size, so perhaps if you are more generously endowed, it's a nearer to being the "perfect" bra. After all, Heid.i K.lum wouldn't lie to you just to meet her contract terms, would she? I also got a savings card out of the deal that I can use in a few weeks, that's worth $10-100 off (you don't find out how much you actually get until you go to the register). Because bra shopping sucks for flat-chested me, I generally avoid it, which consequently means I never have enough bras. But I found a couple I liked yesterday, so I'll go back in a few weeks with my nifty savings card.

And THEN I made it to Bat.h & Body for the shaving cream. And some handsoap, since we were out. And a little mentha lipsticky thing that I've fallen in love with, but in a different shade than I already owned. And a tinted moisterizer with sunscreen, because I am looking a little pasty and haggard these days. Oh, and of course a big tube of the shaving cream.

Since I bought new pillows, I also had to buy new sheets. I scored at TJ Maxx--100% white egyptian cotton, 500 thread count, $40 for a full set, including pillow cases. And two white matilisse shams that are absoulutely gorgeous, at $12 each. And groceries. And a partrige in a pear tree.

I feel a little guilty, given the economy. But there are some really great sales out there right now, if you need new stuff, or even if you don't. And I'm going to rationalize it. . .maybe someone will keep their job for another day, because I went shopping.

Saturday, March 21, 2009

More Boring Information About My Ovaries

They are both killing me, and I finally got a positve test for ovulation this morning. Today is CD16, which means that things worked exactly the same way this month as they did last month, when I wasn't using the Clo.mid. I did get a nice, strong line this morning on the test. . .but I did last month, too. I think my ovaries feel a little more uncomfortable than they did last month, but that's kind of hard to gauge. So, I'm not sure the Clo.mid that I've been on this month (50mg for anyone new who is arriving via IComLeavWe, taken CD5-9) made much of a difference, but who knows. The Sexathon is getting a bit tedious. Why is it that we always want whatever we can't have? If you're not having sex, it's all you want; if you're having sex on command, it can seem so unfun.

Thursday, March 19, 2009

Cycle Update

I'm sure no one but me cares about this stuff; it's just a good place for me to keep track of it. It's CD14, and I haven't ovulated yet, but my ovaries have been increasingly uncomfortable all day, so they seem to be doing their thing. Or at least trying to do their thing. I expect I'll ovulate on CD16, which isn't so bad. The sexathon continues. . .

Sunday, March 15, 2009

Clo.mid, Day Five

I finished up the Clo.mid yesterday, again with no side effects. I felt clammy a few times while taking it, but just sucked down a glass of water when that happened, and the feeling went away. I've been drinking a ton of water, so maybe that's key to minimizing the side effects. Who knows, though.

It is a beautiful day here today. Sadly, I am stuck inside working, but that's just they way it goes sometimes, I guess.

Saturday, March 14, 2009


I've been thinking a lot about decisions lately, and about how we all go about making them. I started comparing some recent decisions of mine versus those of a friend of mine that I've been upset with. Eventually, I started comparing those other decisions to TTC. And I realized that perhaps I should cut her some slack.

She and I both had to make a decision about something important recently. It was the same decision, but we have completely different personal circumstances. I made my decision based on my heart. It's probably not the smartest decision for a whole lot of reasons, but I went with the answer that calls out to me. In contrast, she decided to do something that is contrary to what her heart is telling her, based on other circumstances in her life. In fact, she's doing something that she doesn't really want to do, because she thinks it's her best option at this juncture. In truth, it's not a bad decision, and many on the outside would think it's a really great decision. I could name a dozen very attractive features of her decision. Even though I know it's not her first choice of options, because of all the upsides, I haven't given much thought to how she's dealing with that one very major downside. It's only been since she's really started moving forward with that decision that I've felt like she's not listening to me.

As I was thinking about this situation this morning, I started imagining what it would be like if the decision was about TTC, instead of what it was actually about. I imagined what it would feel like if we were both trying to have kids, and she could have as many as she wanted, but my only choice was IVF and I didn't want to go that route and couldn't afford it, to boot. And you know what? I can imagine a version of me that wouldn't want to be near a pregnant her. I can imagine not wanting to have to face her decision to have kids and get pregnant, because it would make my own predicament of IVF particularly hard. I can imagine not being able to be there for her, even though she might still need me. My experiences with all of this, with this community, has made it easy for me to imagine all of this. My experience with this community has also made me think that there is nothing wrong with needing to pull back from a friendship to protect your own heart.

Which brings me back to our real situation. I have been focusing lately with the things that are important to me. I've made some choices for myself based on what my heart is telling me. My friend has made choices despite what her heart is telling her. And while I look at her, and I think that her choices aren't so bad and her life looks pretty charmed, I know that's not what she wants for herself. I've been thinking that the smoke is clearing for her, now that she's made this decision, but maybe she doesn't feel that way at all. And as much as her life looks good from the outside, perhaps she just can't listen to me talk about my life right now because I am actually doing what she is not and feels she cannot. Maybe it's not so easy to sit and listen to me, as I imagine and hope and torment myself over the possibilities, when she has only an actuality that she really doesn't want.

Of course, I could be wrong, and she could just be being a complete jerk. But friends deserve to be given the benefit of the doubt.

Clomid, Day Four

It went off without a hitch yesterday. Today I'll take my last dose of the Clo.mid. I think it's actually working. I use the CBEFM, and I got a "high" today--the earliest in my cycle I've ever gotten one. And I swear, I have a little CM, which is HIGHLY unusual on CD9.

I know I am probably jinxing myself by saying this, but I am feeling ridiculously optimistic about this cycle. I feel really, really positive. I feel like the clouds have finally parted, and it's our day in the sun. Ridiculous, I know. But truly, I feel like this is going to be our month. T. feels that way, too. Worse, he's convinced it's going to be twins.

I'm going to need to be scraped up off the floor if this cycle is a bust. Of course, I'm also going to need to be scraped up off the floor if it's twins, for entirely different reasons! Ah, hope. I don't know if it's a good thing or a bad thing.

Thursday, March 12, 2009

Clo.mid Day Three, And Other Thoughts

I feel. . .pretty normal. Although I swear I'm starting to have CM, which can't be possible on CD7. Again, I'm not getting too excited yet, and I hope the trend continues. Two more days of pills. . .hey, I'm more than halfway there with the pills, and almost to the sexathon portion of the program!

Anyway, I was just reading a part of Mel's blog, and she wrote something that so completely resonates with me, although she was using it to describe why some fertile people (ie, fertile heterosexuals) don't understand what it's like for the rest of this universe (and specifically, in this case, a lesbian couple who did IVF at the same time and transferred each other's embryos at the same time--which, as a side note, I think is pretty damn cool. Each woman being either a birthmom or a biomom to the babes is just a very cool way to family build. But I digress. . .). Mel wrote,

Listen, there are those who have never had to struggle for something, never had to push open a door that was only slightly ajar, and so they won't get it.

This sentence perfectly described my current struggle with someone in my life right now. I've been there for this person during some recent rough times, and we've become pretty close. But for recently, however, she has lived a pretty charmed life. And now that the smoke is clearing in her life, I'm discovering that she really isn't there for me to provide the same support that I have provided.

On the one hand, I'm sure that she is completely preoccupied with everything going on in her life. On the other hand, once 35 is in the rearview mirror, doesn't everyone have five million things that vie for their attention? You've got to make the time for the people who are important to you. I'm left to wonder whether our relationship isn't somehow based on me providing the shoulder to cry on and her doing the crying. Everyone could use a little propping up every now and again, and with job stuff and TTC stuff and other stuff, my "now and again" is, well, NOW.

We still talk all of the time. . .and mostly, I listen. I celebrate her triumphs and I lament with her her sorrows. I am still there. But I'm sort of feeling like when I talk, she isn't hearing me, and I'm starting to feel invisible and irrelevant. I can't help but think that she doesn't even see my struggles, despite the fact that I've told her that I'm struggling and despite her own recent troubles, and a part of me wonders whether it is because she has never had to struggle for any of the things that I am struggling with right now.

If only people would stop and imagine what it is like to wear different slippers. What a very different world it would be.

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

Clo.mid, Day Two

So far, so good. I was RAVENOUS by 5:00, but I had a salad and Skittles for lunch, so that's probably why. Hey, after a salad, the Skittles were totally necessary.

I'm not really noticing any side effects yet. I hope this continues. The pharmacy insert says something that struck me as really funny--"many women do not have any serious side effects from this medication." Yes, but what about the rest of the women? I'm already on the edge people, and about to jack up the hormone levels. Maybe you could work with that wording a little, maybe lie just a teensy bit, so I don't go around the freaking bend wondering whether I'm one of the lucky "many women," or just one of the other, poor forsaken women destined to live in hormonal hell this cycle?

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

Clo.mid, Day 1

I have to say. . .so far, so good. I had a killer headache most of the day, but it started before I even took the pill, so I don't think it was related. Hopefully, this trend will continue.

That is all.

PS Oh, and thank you to people who have given me awards recently. I promise to accept them soon. . .

Monday, March 9, 2009


How did it get to be CD4 already? That means we are on the eve of CD5. That means I start chomping tomorrow. I am equal parts totally calm, and utterly freaking out, but naturally not in the same second. If I am this bipolar without the hormones, I am afraid to find out what the rest of the week will bring.

I think I'm going to start the med's in the middle of the day tomorrow. That way, if I start to feel awful, I can go home, but if I have any freakish side effects, I will be very close (within a few blocks) of my doctor's office. Okay, I know this is unlikely to happen, but I'm just saying.

So, I guess this means I've decided to take the Clo.mid this month. I can't believe we're here. I can't believe we're trying again. I feel really good about our chances this month, and completely terrified. Are we ready for this? After all this time, I'm still asking myself this question. And yet, I don't think it's really ever possible to be completely ready. How can you prepare for something so utterly huge, and which you've never experienced? At the end of the day, it's really a total leap of faith.

Sunday, March 8, 2009

Show & Tell: New Stuff

I am supposed to be doing House Projects, and not playing with the computer. I am here only under the guise of doing an errand for Terrific T. But of course, I have to sneak in a Show & Tell post.

My new camera got here yesterday. Since it is a House Project day, I've been playing around with it when T. isn't looking. It has all sorts of fun settings that I've been playing with, like this one, which messes with the colors.

In other news, I finished Tertia's book. I really loved it, and would have found it fascinating even if I was not trying to create a family. She really did have almost every bad pregnancy thing imaginable happen to her, but she is nonetheless incredibly spirited. And her penchant for wine and curse words only makes me love her more. If you haven't bought it yet, hop on over to Ama.zon and get it, and then join Mel's book shower for Tertia. It really is a fabulous book. And if Tertia can survive all that, surely I can handle a cycle of Clo.mid?

I have loads of commenting to do, and will be back later to visit with you all. . .as soon as the damn House Projects are done. In the meantime, go see what the rest of the class is showing today.

Saturday, March 7, 2009


I've been going back and forth about the Clo.mid. Yesterday was officially CD1, so if we're going to do it, we start on Tuesday. I'm just so freaked out about turning into a psychotic hormonal mess, and the possibility of multiples. I also have a work thing on Thursday, and it really wouldn't be good for me to be a psychotic hormonal mess during it. Of course, I don't know that that will happen, there will never be a "good" time if I let work dictate the schedule, etc. I already picked it up from the pharmacy. I have no idea how much it might be otherwise, but with my insurance, it was only $5, which was exciting.

I totally love my doctor. She called me yesterday to check in, and to talk to me about something that we had talked about a few days earlier. It was so surprising to pick up the phone and discover it was her, but that's what I like about her. She doesn't mind talking about stuff.

I've been pouring over my old charts and pro-con-ing the decision endlessly, and today, at this very minute, I think I'm going to go ahead with the Clo.mid this month. First, I've had one other month that looked like this month's chart. So, this month could just be a fluke. Second, my doctor is still around for the next couple of weeks, so if something wonky happens while I'm taking the Clo.mid this week, I could still see her (assuming she doesn't go into labor this week). Third, we've been at this for almost two years, and it just seems like it's time to really get the show on the road.

I'm sure I will change my mind back and forth eight more times before Tuesday.

Wednesday, March 4, 2009

Guess What Came In The Mail Today?

Tertia's book!. I've only read a few pages, but I'm psyched that it's here. I am drinking a glass of white wine in honor thereof.

AF seems to just be arriving tonight. I'm going to call it an 11 day LP. Better than normal. . .I'm on the fence today about the Clo.mid. This damn cycle has me thinking that maybe we can just do it on our own. . .hope is such a bastard. I'd love to hear your Clo.mid story, if you have one, or better yet, link me to your blog page, if you've posted about it.

I think Io (and dude, can I say it's SO good to have you back!!!) asked if the liver situation could just be left "as is"--the answer is yes. Unless there's a problem, they don't touch the liver. Since I can't feel the tumor, it's small, and it's not impacting anything else, they don't operate. Operating is actually way more dangerous than leaving it alone, as I understand it, and this particular type of tumor isn't known to become malignant.

As far as the unmonitored cycle goes, I'll know when I ovulate because I temp AND I have the CBEFM. They've basically been spot-on every month that I've used both. Once I think the monitor was off by a day or so. I'm not worried about that part. I'm worried about creating a freakish level of eggs, since I know that I ovulate; I just don't do it early enough. I know multiples are generally twins and not HOM's, but it still scares me. And honestly, the biggest thing I'm freaked out about is just taking the drugs, and the potential side effects. I don't do medication well, and I've heard such horror stories. When I hear women enthusiastically choosing injectibles over Clo.mid, it gives me pause.

Tuesday, March 3, 2009

More Good News, And I Know I Said I Wouldn't, But...

A month or so ago, I started applying for an incredibly competitive job that I really, really want. I didn't expect to hear anything at all for another month or so, because that's what they told me to expect. Today, I got an email that let me know that I've made it to the next round! I am SO excited. On top of the good health news, and being able to try again, FINALLY, it has been a really good week, and it's only Tuesday. I hope the trend continues!

So then I called my doctor's office, completely planning on hearing the "no monitoring," and moving on. But. . .my doctor called me back herself, and talked to me at length. I really like her. I know it's not a perfect situation, in that I would so much prefer a doctor who follows me around as I live my life, and is there to analyze with me every twinge and temperature change. . .ya know, someone who can move in with me, watch my every move, help with the kids until they're 30 or so. (I'm sure you've noticed that I'm crazy neurotic.)

Anyway, I think Clomid + monitoring is really the ideal situation, and I know there are loads of doctors out there who do it. But my doctor isn't inclined to. She recently discussed the issue with the fert doc's at her clinic, and they all concurred that this early in the process, they don't see the point. And, as my doctor pointed out, we already know from my (obsessive) charting that there is a problem, in that I cannot and do not ovulate with any regularity, and I have a short LP. Clo.mid has the ability to solve both problems. And in pouring over my charts just now, I do see that back in January of 2008, I did have one crazy cycle where I ovulated on CD16, and had an 11 day LP, so perhaps I shouldn't get my hopes up that this cycle is so fabulous.

So, anywho, she presecribed the, and I'm supposed to go back to see her in April. Only, she's about to give birth, as I'd expected, so I'll see someone else, instead. She swears that she will be out only 8 weeks, and has promised me that she will come back. I think I'm going to stick with her for now. Have I mentioned that I really like her? Am I crazy for considering Clo.mid without monitoring? I have the prescription, but that doesn't mean I'm going to use it. . .probably. DH is all for it, by the way, despite the fact that I've told him it may change me into a raving hormonal lunatic. He didn't seem to think that was a cause to worry. . .come to think of it, he might have thought that there wouldn't be much of a difference. Hmfh.

Monday, March 2, 2009

Great News

I feel like I've just won the lottery. The bon.e scan came back completely normal. The M.RI showed that I have a small, and very common type of li.ver tu.mor. I have to go for a followup M.RI in 6 months. My PCP gave us the green light to start trying again, and said that if we're not PG in three months, to give her a call, and we'll do the followup scan then, instead of waiting the full six months. If we DO get PG soon, we'll wait until after we have the baby, which she doesn't think will be a problem. It is such a relief, I can't even tell you.

I really, really appreciate all of the support that I've received from this community lately. I can't even tell you what it has meant to me. I can't even imagine the last week without all of your kind comments.

Other good news: Amaz.on has already informed me that it has shipped JUST ONE of my items, to make sure it gets to me lickety split. Which item? Tertia's book, of course! That made me just so happy, to know it's already on its way.

The final bit of good news? I've worked really hard in recent months to gain a little weight back. I am always on the lookout for something that might improve my fertility without having to resort to fertility treatments. I knew I was underweight, but I have a crazy metabolism and a really rough time putting the weight on (I've had a tests done to make sure I don't have thyroid problems--I don't), between the stress of the Big Project and some of my health problems. Anyway, I'd read that for underweight women, a weight gain of as little as 10% of your body weight can return ovulation to normal. I've increased my weight by about 7%, so that I now am just a hair shy of having a "normal" BMI for the first time since we started TTC (another pound or two should put me squarely in the normal range). I am just at the end of my cycle, and it appears that I ovulated at a "normal" time, and I had a "normal" LP. I am hoping this is how the trend will continue!

I've also decided to call and talk to a nurse at my current doctor's office about the Clomid. My doctor's office actually has an RE that works out of it, although my doctor is not an RE. I probably won't stay with this practice, but I at least want to hear more about what they are thinking. If I'm dissatisfied, I am going to move to a practice closer to my house. I found an RE that also works as a regular GYN, although she doesn't do OB work any more. This might be the happy medium I am looking for. All of the other RE's around here are in full-blown fertility clinics, and I don't think I'm ready for that.

I'm so thrilled to be on our way again.

Sunday, March 1, 2009

Now With More Whine

I normally don't blog about people I know IRL, because even though I anonyblog, I would feel horrible if anyone I know found my blog and read something that made them feel bad. But, given my thin grasp on my sanity right now, I really need to vent about this so I can move on.

A friend of mine called a little while ago, fresh back from vacation. She has had a trying year herself, and has a lot going on in her own life--I totally get that. I have been there for the lowest of times for her, and have listened to her vent about things that haven't gone well for most of the last year. To be fair to her, she continues to have much to vent about, and she did invite me to come spend the night and have a girls night. (I just wasn't up for it.) She is a very nice person, and she has been very supportive of me in the past.

Setting all of that aside, we just had a long conversation that was mostly. . .about her. And her vacation, and her future plans, and her kids, and everything going on in her life. When I last talked to her, she knew my cat was doing poorly and I was worried about having to make a final decision about him, but she didn't even ask how he is doing--and she knows how important he was to me (nor has she asked about him in any of the emails I received from her while she was gone). When I brought up my job search, she didn't ask any questions (although we talked about her job search at length, since she's looking, too, although we're looking for different things, so it's not like we're in competition). When I said I was worried about the test results, she didn't even assure me that she thought I would be fine (and even if she thinks I'm going to die, wouldn't that be the nice thing to do?). She didn't even ask what they were testing me for. But, she DID ask if I think her employer will miss her if she leaves, and if I've heard anything along those lines from anyone I've talked to (frankly, her employer doesn't give a damn about anyone leaving, particularly given that it saves them from having to do layoffs, and she knows that, so I don't even know why she asked).

I don't mean to be whiny and self-absorbed (okay, I do), but I hardly ever need support (well, other than on the fertility stuff from all of you), and I feel like I've given it almost constantly to her in the last year. Tonight, as I'm going out of my mind waiting to hear the results and stressed to the breaking point from the events of the last week, I just needed for her to be interested in my life, for like five minutes. That's all it would've taken. . .just a few crumbs.

I need for tomorrow to be here already. I need for everything to be okay. I need to be able to move on with my life, I need to be successful at creating a family, I need to have my very own happily-ever-after. I need for the clouds to part, for rays of sunlight to come on down through, and for the heavens to smile upon me. I know it's kind of a tall order, but I really, really need it.


So, the results are supposed to be ready tomorrow. I am on edge. Generally, my DH and I are very close, and he is very supportive. But he seems to not understand why I am having a tough time. He seems to think that I should be "over" the cat, and that I shouldn't be worried about tomorrow. Or maybe that's just his coping mechanism. Either way, he's driving me batty. Frankly, it's putting me on edge to even have him around. He just went to Home Depot, and it made me feel relieved to have him out of the house. I don't want to stress him out by worrying, but it's making me more stressed to try to act like I'm not stressed so he doesn't get stressed and freak out on me for not being calm. . .if that makes any sense.

So, I've been distracting myself by looking up RE's in my area. I wonder if I would be better off. There is an RE in my area that also sees gyn patients. I think I'm going to check in with my regular OB first, but if she is thinking of an unmonitored Clomid cycle, I'm out of there. That's not what I want. Of course, all of this is entirely optimistic, and predicated on getting a clean bill of health tomorrow. Oh, I can't stand this. Maybe I'll take the dog for a walk. . .in the blizzard. I'm so sick of winter, and stress.