Sunday, March 1, 2009

Now With More Whine

I normally don't blog about people I know IRL, because even though I anonyblog, I would feel horrible if anyone I know found my blog and read something that made them feel bad. But, given my thin grasp on my sanity right now, I really need to vent about this so I can move on.

A friend of mine called a little while ago, fresh back from vacation. She has had a trying year herself, and has a lot going on in her own life--I totally get that. I have been there for the lowest of times for her, and have listened to her vent about things that haven't gone well for most of the last year. To be fair to her, she continues to have much to vent about, and she did invite me to come spend the night and have a girls night. (I just wasn't up for it.) She is a very nice person, and she has been very supportive of me in the past.

Setting all of that aside, we just had a long conversation that was mostly. . .about her. And her vacation, and her future plans, and her kids, and everything going on in her life. When I last talked to her, she knew my cat was doing poorly and I was worried about having to make a final decision about him, but she didn't even ask how he is doing--and she knows how important he was to me (nor has she asked about him in any of the emails I received from her while she was gone). When I brought up my job search, she didn't ask any questions (although we talked about her job search at length, since she's looking, too, although we're looking for different things, so it's not like we're in competition). When I said I was worried about the test results, she didn't even assure me that she thought I would be fine (and even if she thinks I'm going to die, wouldn't that be the nice thing to do?). She didn't even ask what they were testing me for. But, she DID ask if I think her employer will miss her if she leaves, and if I've heard anything along those lines from anyone I've talked to (frankly, her employer doesn't give a damn about anyone leaving, particularly given that it saves them from having to do layoffs, and she knows that, so I don't even know why she asked).

I don't mean to be whiny and self-absorbed (okay, I do), but I hardly ever need support (well, other than on the fertility stuff from all of you), and I feel like I've given it almost constantly to her in the last year. Tonight, as I'm going out of my mind waiting to hear the results and stressed to the breaking point from the events of the last week, I just needed for her to be interested in my life, for like five minutes. That's all it would've taken. . .just a few crumbs.

I need for tomorrow to be here already. I need for everything to be okay. I need to be able to move on with my life, I need to be successful at creating a family, I need to have my very own happily-ever-after. I need for the clouds to part, for rays of sunlight to come on down through, and for the heavens to smile upon me. I know it's kind of a tall order, but I really, really need it.


Bluebird said...

I wish that for you too. It's not really that tall of an order when you think about it - we've been knocked down and knocked down, and just want to catch a break like everyone else. You're entitled to a break. You deserve a break.

I'm so sorry your friend didn't come through for you. I, unfortunately, can relate all too well. Sometimes I think its my "fault" because I'm not normally one to share - but then when I need to share, no one asks. Its hard. And it sucks. And its why I feel blessed beyond words to have found this community of women. No, it doesn't make it better; its not the "same." But it helps.

Just know how many of us are here for you, to listen and ask questions and let you whine whenever you want :) ((Hugs)) sweetie, and best of luck tomorrow.

~Jess said...

*hugs* I hope and pray that all that you need is given to you.

I have a friend, actually most of my friends, who is like that...everything is about them. I constantly try to keep in touch, but they never ask how I'm doing or what's new with me.

*HUGS* I'm hoping that you have a great appt today.

JamieD said...

What you are feeling is perfectly normal. At least, I've been there anyway. I have one old friend who I think I keep touch with almost out of habit more than anything else. I always get off the phone either frustrated or angry, wondering why I called in the first place. I think maybe your friend has fallen into the role of being the 'supported' and likes it there. I hope she sees that she should take the role of the 'supporter' for a while.

I don't think that is a tall order at all - I think you are very deserving of all that and more.

Darla said...

I feel you ... you know I do! That's why I love your blog and your honesty with the whole adventure that we're stumbling through!