Wednesday, April 29, 2009

A Little Midday Freakout

I have mostly been able to ignore the fact that I am in the 2WW. First, there's the fact that the RE thinks we have no chance of getting knocked up on Clo.mid. Then, there's the fact that work has been crazy and I have a big new project, and worked for much of last weekend. And of course, there's the fact that I'm not entirely sure when I o'd, since we started sleeping with the windows open, and it's still very cool at night, so my temp's have essentially remained flat. I am something like 5 to 6 DPO.

But here's the weird thing, as I was walking out of a store just now, I realized that my boobs are kinda sore. It's waaay to early for that, and now I'm going to be obsessively looking for signs. Sigh. It was all going so smoothly.

I was able to reschedule the appointment from tomorrow to next Wednesday, which isn't so bad. It's at the clinic that's an hour away. I texted T. to let him know the great news. I'm sure he'll be as excited as I am that we don't have to wait another month!

Tuesday, April 28, 2009

One Step Forward, One Step Back

I reminded T. that we needed to schedule the SA for Thursday. He was totally fine with it, making jokes. The appointment was dutifully booked for Thursday. He rearranged his schedule. It was all set.

I also reminded him of the no less than 2 days/no more than 5 days rule. It's been more than 5 days (or, it will be as of Thursday). He "doesn't feel good," and hasn't, er, rectified the situation. He wants to reschedule the appointment. I reminded him that the next time there is an appointment at the nearest clinic is a month away. He is good with that.

And I am annoyed about it. I have to rearrange my life to have a slew of tests done which actually hurt and are horribly invasive, and he can't manage a little, ya know, because his stomach doesn't feel good? I know I'll probably have to have the HSG done regardless of the SA results, but it would've been nice to get the SA back and know the score before I put myself through all of that.

Of course, our clinic has other branches that are about an hour's drive away. Hmmm. That might be what gets scheduled. A little passive aggressive and a little mean to make him drive, but at least we'll get answers before next month.

In related news, I keep forgetting to mention that my RE said that his average patient is 38 and has had 4 m/c. He considers me ahead of the curve, since I'm under 38 and have only had 2 m/c's. But that made me wonder how old the average RE patient is, in general, so I consulted my usual source. Unfortunately, if Dr. Google knows, he's not telling.

Monday, April 27, 2009

Random Thoughts

First, the important news: Mel's book came today, and I am really excited to read it. It is giant, too. I thought it was going to be a skinny book, but it's a big fat one. I can't wait to curl up with it tonight before bed. I am looking forward to reading it not only for the information that I hoping to learn from it, but also to support one of our own. Mel has done an amazing thing for the IF community with her websites, and created this amazing web of support by weaving us all together. I encourage anyone who hasn't bought a copy yet to purchase a copy regardless of whether they are interested in reading it, or not--if you don't want it for yourself, why not buy a copy and donate it to your local library? You'll be rewarding Mel for everything she's done for all of us, providing vital education to women in your own communities who may be looking for answers, and extending our network a little further to women in your own community who may not realize this amazing support network is out here.


Saturday night, I was sitting in a bar watching the Sox game (take THAT, Yankees!) and having dinner. The dining room of this particular establishment is through the bar, and after a while a woman in her early 40's came in pushing a double stroller. I recognized her in an instant: her husband was in his mid-to-late 50's; she was a little too old to have found a need for a double stroller without having received a little help herself. The kids in the stroller were clearly twins, maybe six months old, definitely not identical. I could see her throughout dinner, and glanced at her from time to time. She looked enthralled and overjoyed with her babies. It was a sight to see. It gave me hope.


Yesterday, I was walking around one of those discount warehouse clubs that sell bulk items. As I walked past the diaper aisle, it made me really happy. I might need those soon.


I must be a freakin' idiot. Since the doctor mentioned that he thinks we'll need injectibles, I have been mostly focused on the fact I might have to give myself shots. It finally dawned on me that maybe I should look up the risk of multiples, my other big concern/worry/ obsession. Um, multiples occur up to 40% of the time with injectibles. Of the women who have multiples, 75% have only twins, but 25% have triplets or more!!! Let's do the math on that one: if 100 women get pregnant on injectibles, 40 of them will have multiples. 30 of those 40 women will have only twins. 10 of those women--10 out of 100--will have triplets or MORE. (Unless I am completely challenged when it comes to basic math problems, which I'm hoping is the case). I am a moron for not realizing these stat's sooner. They scare the crap out of me.


I'm currently on CD20, and should've ovulated somewhere around CD16-CD17. But, my temp's have not spiked. It's been warm here and we've slept with the windows open, but I would think that would make my temp's higher. . .not make them stay the same. I'm confused. I had all sorts of ovary pain around CD16-CD17. No idea what's going on.


I have to make T. schedule the SA tomorrow. I know he's going to drag his feet, because of the sheer embarassment of having to produce the sample at the clinic.

Thursday, April 23, 2009


This morning, I didn't need the bright line on the pee stick to tell me that I'm ovulating. After an increasingly uncomfortable day yesterday, I awoke to incredibly painful ovaries. Is this a normal Clo.mid response? Or are my ovaries simply rebelling?

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

RE Visit P.S.

I sort of forgot the most important part. He doesn't think I'm going to have any problem having a successful pregnancy, "with a little help." In addition to the shots, he also thinks I'll need progesterone supplementation through the early part of the pregnancy. And, he thinks I need an OB who is closer to my house than my present one, and had several recommendations.

I'm glad we didn't wait any longer to see the RE. If the problem is a lining issue, I would've been really upset if we'd kept having m/c, only to discover that.

RE Report

The RE visit was. . .interesting.

The RE came out into the waiting room (we were the only patients there) and greeted us by our first names. He was warm, friendly, and VERY high energy. We went into his office and zoomed through personal background, with particular focus on my miscarriages and ovulation history. Then, he started shooting out information at us like a firehose. I'm sure I've lost much of it already, but the highlights are that he said that Clo.mid probably isn't going to do anything for me; my lining is likely too thin, which in part is probably caused by ME being too thin--and Clo.mid is only going to worsen this problem, not help it; and the likely solution is going to be sub-Q injections (probably, Repro.nex). Or, I can try gaining 20 pounds and see if that helps.

While I would love to try gaining 20 pounds, rather than face shots, I know that it will take me many months to even try to gain that much weight. He wants me on a supplement, like En.sure (ick!), or to drink a frappe every night. I will happily do either, but I know it's unlikely to result in much weight gain. I struggle to put on every pound. I know, I know--I never get much sympathy for this.

If I don't get my period by May 4, I'm supposed to call, and he wants to give me drugs to start my period. I need to call back and ask why this is, since I have never had a 28 day cycle. He doesn't think I'll respond to the med's, and we'll have to do estrogen pills after that, but I don't understand the point--why can't we just wait for AF to come at its normal time on CD30-35? (if YOU know, please tell!).

We are doing a pile of bloodwork--CD3 bloodwork; CD10 bloodwork and u/s; CD24 bloodwork, next cycle. Oh, and an SA for T. next week. He's wicked psyched about that, let me tell you. The doctor really prefers to have it done in the office, rather than dropped off (the instructions are hilarious: "we require that hte semen specimen be produced at the center in a room specially designed for that purpose." We have been totally cracking up over the "specially designed for that purpose" part). I told T. that if I have to deal with shots and vaginal u/s's, the least he can do is the semen sample. I also have to have an HSG done at the beginning of the cyle.

So, the final conclusion was that we will likely start our next "real" cycle in June, if this month doesn't pan out.


My RE appointment is in an hour and a half. I'm nervous.

Sunday, April 19, 2009


I am feeling like I am stretched a little--or maybe a LOT--too thin these days. Suddenly, things are hopping at work again; I'm also ready to move on, despite the giant pile of work on my desk, and deep in a job search--which is super fun and fruitful in this economy, let me tell you; I'm donating a ton of time to a local charity--more than I planned, because people haven't followed through with their own end of things as they had promised, and I don't have it in me to leave things undone; and I have a million things around the house and yard that need to be done, particularly given that we are STILL renovating--and that's kind of the LAST thing I feel like doing these days. Ugh. It's massive craziness here, and nothing feels like it is progressing quickly enough. I'm trying to pick away at my to-do lists a little every day, but the slow pace of my so-called progress is maddening.

And then there's Tuesday's visit with the RE. I am both looking forward to having the appointment, and afraid to go forward to the appointment, afraid of finding out the answers to the questions that I have had for so long. It is somewhat terrifying. I learned last night that an acquaintance who has struggled with both male factor and endo has been told, after several years of trying and tens of thousands of dollars spent, that she will be unable to have her own children. Not surprisingly, she is devestated. Last week, I learned that another acquaintance just had a miscarriage, in what will be her last cycle after multiple failed IVF's. Again, devestation.

You never plan for that to be you, and you can't possibly prepare for that to be you. Truthfully, I don't feel like that will be me. I come from a long line of procreators. It's the one thing the women in my family have really excelled at--they've racked up babies the way I've racked up degrees, frequently in a very unplanned way. (You KNOW the fates are laughing at me for getting said degrees rather than getting knocked up in my twenties.) But by going forward with this appointment this week, I have to confront the fact that it really could be me. Right now, as I sit here, I don't have an official diagnosis (in part, because my old OB saw no reason to run any tests). There isn't anything officially wrong with me. I can still pretend in my head that everything is fine, and that I'm just a little unlucky. As much as I want to make every effort to make sure everything is okay and take every step possible to have a successful and healthy pregnancy, it's kind of nice not knowing whatever the truth is. I kind of don't want to know the news, if it's bad news. Ignorance really is bliss.

Friday, April 17, 2009

Call FromThe RE's Office

My appointment with the RE is on Tuesday. The RE's office just called to go over payment and insurance issues. I have a $20 co-pay for each visit, and everything else will be covered. I have full coverage for ART procedures. The woman commented that I have really good coverage, and she doesn't see that often, for people in my state especially. Such a relief. Literally, it was such a huge relief to get that phone call. Not just because of the insurance coverage (which is great-I knew I had good coverage, but it was great to hear it, regardless), but because I'm now dealing with a doctor's office that looks into things, checks them out, and gets back to me-when I wasn't even expecting it.

Thursday, April 16, 2009

Something New To Be Clomissy About

Yesterday morning, we had a new Ken.more washing machines delivered from The technician could not get it to work after he set it up. It was broken, right out of the box. He put T. on the phone with a repair tech, but the repair tech was left scratching his head, too. The tech promised would replace the machine, because--duh--it didn't work upon delivery. As a rule, things are supposed to work out of the box. Their own person couldn't make it work. It was done broke. This seems like a no-brainer, right?

When I got home, I called again. . .more than a half dozen times. After repeatedly being told they would replace the machine, being misdirected, disconnected, and sent into automated phone hell, I finally got on the phone with the person who was supposed to arrange for the delivery of my new machine. He, of course, promptly refused, argued with me that they should attempt to fix it rather than replace it, and then insisted I speak with his store manager the next day (today). I don't think he liked it very much when I said "pursuant to state law xx, section yy, I have a right to reject the defective item and demand replacement for reimbursement of my purchase price. I'm invoking the provisions of the law. I do not think it's reasonable to repair a brand new $850 washing machine," blah, blah, blah. You get the idea. I was, shall we say, assertive. I was polite, but I was angry after an hour's worth of telephone calls.

So, after he refused to help me, I spent another hour drafting hatemail that cites my state's consumer protection statute and tracking down corporate officer contact information. It's no wonder America is in the toilet; they can't even politely remedy a fairly simple, straightforward problem (which, by the way, is mandated by STATE LAW). had better replace the machine pronto, or I'm going to start wreaking legal havoc. This was really not the right week to mess with me.

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

Because Truth Is Stranger Than Fiction

While driving around a New England city today, I came across a group of men in suits. Oddly, they wore giant red scarves draped around their shoulders. The scarves appeared to be secured to their dark, conservative suits with festive gold pins. The men were standing on a street corner, holding signs, and demonstrating. As traffic stopped, they would walk down the row of cars and try to hand out their hate-spewing pamphlets. But odder still was the fact that they were accompanied by a man playing bagpipes. And then, there were the signs.

Honk for prejudice? Hmmm. Curiously, there wasn't a woman among the entire group. Could it have been a homophobic closeted homosexual men's group, perhaps?

Out of all the things in the world this well-dressed group of men could have been doing, I simply don't understand why they chose to get all fired up about THIS. Why don't they go fix one of the many things in this world that is actually broken? Why do they care what some other couple is doing? I wonder what their wives are like. I should've stopped and befriended some of the Stepford dads, so I could've found out.

In completely different news, today is CD8, and I had so much CM that I needed a panty liner. I'm not sure what that was about. It wasn't the right texture and it's way too early for it to be fertile CM. I hope this means we are headed in the right direction. Although, it was kind of gross.

Sunday, April 12, 2009

Clo.mid, Round Two, Day 1

We are back from our long weekend away. I have to say that while I love spending time with family, it can also be emotionally draining. I love my family, but I tend to express my love by listening. I want to hear what they are doing, what they are interested in, what is going on in their worlds. Conversely, I have family members who express their love of me by buying me things. And while gifts are lovely, and I truly do appreciate them, these very different communication styles often lead to misunderstandings, frustration, and guilt. I get frustrated because discussions sometimes seem to be like pulling teeth, and shopping sprees leave me oddly dissatisfied. I have this sense that they, in turn, get frustrated when I want to talk about more than the weather, and my gifts for them aren't as bling as they thought they might be (but seriously, try buying for the folks who have everything, and prize things not because they are necessarily expensive or unusual, but because they were a good deal, and you will get some sense of how nutty shopping for family gifts makes me). And at the end of the day, this inability to really connect leaves me feeling sad. I wish it were different, but I just do not know how to make it so. I would like to think that my presence for Easter meant something, but I worry that it wasn't enough, that I'm not enough. Which just makes me long for my own family all that much more, to create my own traditions and relationships and patterns.

Which brings us to today, CD5, which means it's time for another round of Clo.mid. Just took my first dose. I'm feel a little clammy, but otherwise fine. Fingers crossed that we have a beautiful cycle that actually goes somewhere.

Wednesday, April 8, 2009

Second Beta and a New Plan

The second beta turned out exactly as I thought it would: 3.9. And while my temp remained the same this morning, still above coverline, I started having some serious cramps around mid-morning. I'm now experiencing the heaviest flow in memory. Ouch. But hey, GREAT to see such a lining. I hope that means good news for the future.

I scheduled an appointment with an RE today, who I shall call Dr. X, for his excellent pedigree. I hope he is at least half as good as his bio makes him sound. I found some ratings online, and they were positive. For some weird reason, he also happens to practice in part out of an office near my house, which is really why I picked him. Yay for close to home. If I don't like him, there are also lots of other choices. My appointment is in a week and a half, which wasn't so bad, either.

And now, I'm off for a couple of days for the holidays. Happy Passover and/or Easter, depending on your preference!

Okay, I'm Over It Now

First of all, can I just say that I totally heart my new Black.berry? I had a Q before that, and the Black.Berry just blows it away in comparision. I love being able to get my email all the time, and I love how easy it is to use the internet on it. And the best part is that when I leave the doctor's office in a tizzy and completely need to vent and can't call my husband because I neglected to tell him I was technically pregnant, I can very easily blog away in my car. And then drive home without killing someone.

I told T. last night, and he was surprisingly relaxed about it. I knew he wouldn't be mad that I didn't tell him right away, but I thought he might be more upset. He just hugged me and said he knew it was going to work out for us, which is exactly what I needed to hear. I had a complete freak out last night after I got home, that maybe we've missed our chance, and we'll never be able to have a family. I know we're not there yet, but still. . .I wish she hadn't said that about the FSH. And I know from reading loads of other blogs that even with a high FSH, adoption isn't necessarily the next stop. Thank god for this community, and everything I've learned from everyone along the way, because had I not known that it was complete crap when she said it, I would've completely lost my mind. But I'm letting all of that go. I'm not going to worry (mostly) about test results that aren't here yet.

The part that IS bothering me now is that a year and a half ago, when we were talking about taking a break for a while, the doctor never mentioned doing FSH or estradiol, and I knew nothing of those tests, or antral follie count. I didn't know to ask for them. It makes me so pissed that knowing my age and my history, and in the middle of having the discussion about whether or not it was advisable to take a break, she never once mentioned that it was possible to do testing to check my ovarian reserve. And I'm mad at myself, because I know by this point in my life that I shouldn't rely on doctors to tell me everything that's possible or advisable, because I've had other situations where doctors haven't known stuff relevant to my care, which I discovered to myself, to great benefit. I should've done my homework, and I didn't, and now I'm worried I may have missed my chance. Which is all probably a little melodramatic. Still, I'm worried we shouldn't have taken that time off last year. In truth, I can't beat myself up too much, because the bacterial infection dragged on for so long that there were a lot of months that we weren't going to be able to try, anyway. At the end of the day, we probably only missed a few cycles. But still--she should've done the tests then. She should've at least told me it was possible, and talked to me about them.

So, I'm defintely breaking up with her. Now is a good time to do it, anyway, since she's on maternity leave, and I don't want to go see her nurse practitioner again. I can easily switch to another OB, although I've been torn about which to choose. I have a lot of options. I also am lucky to have an array of RE's to choose from, although I have no idea how you even begin with that one. If anyone has thoughts on how to choose a clinic, I'd love to hear them. Because I live within easy driving distance of several prominent med school's, there are a number of doctors with lovely pedigrees in my area, but I'm not sure that's what I should be basing my decision on.

It's also not entirely clear at this point what my insurance will allow me to do. I'm going to have to call, because the benefits booklet isn't available for my plan yet (my employer switched insurance carriers). Thankfully, I have always gone with the more expensive plan, which seems to have better coverage overall. My copays are higher, but I happily pay them, for the privilege of having greater flexibility. It's so weird to me that most people choose the plan with lower co-pays (the difference is only $10 a visit). I usually can self-refer to specialists, so I don't see why an RE would be any different.

My temp dropped about .4 degrees yesterday, but I'm still well above coverline. It's slightly higher today than yesterday, so I'm guessing AF won't be here until at least tomorrow. I go for my second beta today, which should give me an idea of how quickly the level is dropping. I also have the lab slip for FSH and estradiol. The only problem is that I'm going away for, and won't be back until Sunday. I'm hoping that AF doesn't show for real until at least Friday, so that I will be back in time to do the blood draw. And then, I have the slip for the Clo.mid. My goal is to get the bloodwork done, and do the Clo.mid this cycle, but look for a new doctor in the meantime. I don't want to lose a cycle switching doctors.

Tuesday, April 7, 2009

For Fuck's Sake

At the appointment, the np said that in addition to doing another beta tomorrow, she wants to test my FSH (although, that test won't be done for a few more weeks). Because in her words "if your ovarian reserve isn't good, then you'll know to make other plans. Like adoption." She actually fucking said that. I've had absolutely no testing done, not even my progesterone, because this fucking doctor's office keeps telling me that there's no reason to test at this point. And now, on the eve of my second miscarriage, they're ready to do one measly test, and tell me to hang it up? Are they fucking KIDDING me??? And, despite the fact that it's been a good five days since my first positive pregnancy test and I have a beta of a paltry 11.5, she said they "aren't ruling this one out yet."

I feel like they are in grammar school fertility and I've already graduated from Harvard. I love my dr. (The one on maternity leave), but I think I have to break up with her. It's like they only know how to care for 23 year olds with perfect ovaries. The scariest thing is that the office is connected to a highly regarded medical school, and several of the doc's--including mine--teach there. I shudder to think of the poor infert's of the future, who will be dealing with the dr's trained here.

And now that I've ranted here, I'm calm enough to drive the hour home from my dr's office.


The nurse practictioner called. She was actually very nice. My beta was 11.3. I know she wanted to hold on to some hope that maybe this is going to be a viable pregnancy, but I don't think there's any chance of that. She wants to do another draw on Wednesday to confirm. At first, she didn't want to give me the script for the Clo.mid, but once we talked for a bit, I think she recognized that I'm not an infertidiot, and I won't start taking it until AF actually arrives. So, my appointment is still on for today for the ovary squeeze.

This is my first mobile post from my fabulous new Black.berry (gotta grab the silver lining when you can). Hopefully it will post okay.

And Still No Answer

Still no AF, still in limbo. I called the doctor's office yesterday as soon as they opened. I explained to the nurse what was going on. I explained that I had an appointment today, and that I wanted to do a blood test, so that by the time my appointment rolled around, we would have the information. And then. . .I didn't hear anything, and didn't hear anything. Finally, at 4:15, when I'd finally stepped away from my cell phone to go make myself a cup of tea, I got a voicemail from one of the nurses. "I've just faxed the paperwork on that lab that you requested. You can go this afternoon or in the morning." And then she started to hang up, but must've remembered that she needed to tell me WHICH lab she faxed the paperwork to. It wasn't one I'd been to before. So of course, I rushed over to the lab, which turned out to be the one at the local hospital. It was 5:30 by the time I was finally done. When I asked when the results would be ready, the phlebotomist told me that the test had been ordered STAT, and the results would be ready in an hour. . .but they couldn't give them to me; I had to get them from my doctor's office. And of course, that meant that I couldn't get the results last night. But at least they'll be ready for my appointment this afternoon, which is what I really wanted, anyway.

I'm quite sure that this prenancy isn't viable. I had a touch of pink-brown spotting. Even setting that aside as potentially normal, I just don't feel like this one is going to work out. I just hope, if indeed I am unfortunately right, that it doesn't drag on and on, and we can move on quickly to the next cycle. At this point, I don't so much mind the failed cycles. THAT, I can handle. But the waiting for my body to get on the right track so that we can even try, this I am ready to be done with.

Monday, April 6, 2009


This morning, the line on the test is so faint I barely know it's even there. I'll be calling my doctor's office this morning to see if I can give them some of my blood. I'd like to have the results in hand when I go to my appointment tomorrow, and since it's not until 5pm, it will be too late to do lab's tomorrow, anyway. No reason to postpone what now appears to be inevitable.

Sunday, April 5, 2009


I don't think this one's going to work out. I scoured TCOYF, to try to figure out why FF changed my chart, and I can't. According to TCOYF, I O'd on CD16. That means that yesterday was 14dpo.

I also fished out the test that I did the afternoon of 11dpo. It was a FRER. When a line didn't show up right away, I had tossed it. I never looked at it 3 minutes later. But, there's a faint line there. I know you're not supposed to look at them after 10 minutes, but my experience with those tests has been that if they're negative, they stay white, no matter how long you let them sit, and a line likewise keeps forever (I still have my very first positive. . .which I know is twisted.) Between 11dpo and yesterday, 14dpo, the line got no darker, really.

And then I tested again this morning. The line is even fainter than yesterday.

Unfortunately, I can only conclude that this one isn't going to stick around. I haven't told T., because I don't want to upset him. He took the miscarriage really hard. Granted, this is different, because it seems to be ending before it ever really got started. But still. . .he doesn't need the disappointment, not yet. I have my doctor's appointment on Tuesday, and I'll see what the plan is, before I break the news.

As for me, I'm actually okay with what I think will be bad news on this one. Although, I am a little annoyed. I just want things to work out, already, without any drama or problems, and this is just one more thing weighing us down on the journey, one more thing delaying our future.

Saturday, April 4, 2009

Show & Tell: A Belated April Fool's Joke?

I have been patiently waiting for AF. After a few days of being disappointed that we didn't get pregnant this cycle, I was actually fine with it, and looking forward to starting a new cycle. Looking forward, even, to our Clo.mid check appointment on Tuesday, because that meant we were moving along again.

Only, AF hasn't come, and I don't know what the hell is going on. My breasts are so tender that it hurts to walk down stairs (and I'm basically flat-chested). I have had tiny spots of pink-brown on my underwear once today, once yesterday, and once the day before that. My temp's are hovering around coverline, but haven't had a sustained drop. And I'm having the longest LP since I started charting two years ago (which could be due to the Clo.mid).

Based on my sharp temp rise after CD16, I would think that I O'd on CD16, which would make today 14dpo. FF changed my chart on about CD20, and said that I didn't O until CD18 (I had another temp rise from there). If that's true, then I'm 12dpo. So of course, since AF isn't here and I fully expected it to already be here, I tested again:

Does that look like a line to you? The test is an internet cheapie. The photo is taken the requisite 4-5 minutes after peeing on it. I swear I see a faint line. The line has actually gotten darker as it has dried. But maybe I'm just hallucinating. But if it is a line, why is it so faint, so late? I last tested three days ago, to no line. Well, that's not true. I thought there was a whiff of a line, but then I thought I imagined it, and it wasn't there when I pulled it out of the trash later on. When I was pregnant the first time, I got a faint positive line on 9dpo and a strong positive line on 11dpo. At 12dpo or 14dpo, depending on whether you're being pessimistic, that very faint line can't mean anything good.

I can handle being pregnant, or not being pregnant, but this in-betweenness is going to drive me insane. I've been sitting here for so long that the post office has now closed, and various other errands are going undone today. I think the only solution is to go buy a big pack of FRER's, and test again. I am equal parts joyously hopeful and darkly dreading.

UPDATE: I love Walmart. Three FRER's for $15. And a bunch of other crap I didn't need, just in case I found myself desiring a project to distract myself with. Which I do. Here's what the FRER came up with:

Um, that's a surprise. And it's darker than my 9dpo test from last time I was pregnant. Needless to say, I'll be peeing again in the morning. Could this really be happening?

2ND UPDATE: Because I'm all kinds of crazy, the day that I thought I saw the whiff of a line, I bought digital PG tests. I have this idea for how I want to tell DH that we're pregnant if it looks like this is for reals, and it might involve a digital test. Although, now I think I like the FRER better for creative purposes (that will have to be next week's S&T, if everything works out). Anyway, I had digitals in the house, but I was out of FRER's today, which necessitated the trip to Walmart. Because, I needed to see how dark the line was. But now that I've seen it, I just had to see what a digital would say. And here's what it says:

Wow. Two years ago this month, we decided to try for a baby. I really, really hope this one sticks around.

Wanna see what everyone else is showing, now that you've analyzed my pee sticks? Hop along over to Mel's show and tell.

Wednesday, April 1, 2009


So, I've tested. . .four times. My temperature has been wacky--falling heavily but then rising again. But the meaning of the negative tests is decisive, regardless of what the temperatures look like.

I'm surprisingly okay with it. I'm in a really good place right now. If it had worked the first Clo.mid cycle, I think I would've truly felt like it was doomed, because that kind of good luck can only be followed by very bad luck, in my corner of the universe. So, onward we march. I have an "clo.mid check" dr.'s appointment on Tuesday, and assuming everything looks good, I will be back on the Clo.mid at some point next week. I expect AF will be here tomorrow or Friday. I'm hoping not until Friday, because otherwise my dr's appointment falls on CD6, and I will have to move up my dr's appointment, which would just be a pain.