We are back from our long weekend away. I have to say that while I love spending time with family, it can also be emotionally draining. I love my family, but I tend to express my love by listening. I want to hear what they are doing, what they are interested in, what is going on in their worlds. Conversely, I have family members who express their love of me by buying me things. And while gifts are lovely, and I truly do appreciate them, these very different communication styles often lead to misunderstandings, frustration, and guilt. I get frustrated because discussions sometimes seem to be like pulling teeth, and shopping sprees leave me oddly dissatisfied. I have this sense that they, in turn, get frustrated when I want to talk about more than the weather, and my gifts for them aren't as bling as they thought they might be (but seriously, try buying for the folks who have everything, and prize things not because they are necessarily expensive or unusual, but because they were a good deal, and you will get some sense of how nutty shopping for family gifts makes me). And at the end of the day, this inability to really connect leaves me feeling sad. I wish it were different, but I just do not know how to make it so. I would like to think that my presence for Easter meant something, but I worry that it wasn't enough, that I'm not enough. Which just makes me long for my own family all that much more, to create my own traditions and relationships and patterns.
Which brings us to today, CD5, which means it's time for another round of Clo.mid. Just took my first dose. I'm feel a little clammy, but otherwise fine. Fingers crossed that we have a beautiful cycle that actually goes somewhere.