Wednesday, April 8, 2009

Okay, I'm Over It Now

First of all, can I just say that I totally heart my new Black.berry? I had a Q before that, and the Black.Berry just blows it away in comparision. I love being able to get my email all the time, and I love how easy it is to use the internet on it. And the best part is that when I leave the doctor's office in a tizzy and completely need to vent and can't call my husband because I neglected to tell him I was technically pregnant, I can very easily blog away in my car. And then drive home without killing someone.

I told T. last night, and he was surprisingly relaxed about it. I knew he wouldn't be mad that I didn't tell him right away, but I thought he might be more upset. He just hugged me and said he knew it was going to work out for us, which is exactly what I needed to hear. I had a complete freak out last night after I got home, that maybe we've missed our chance, and we'll never be able to have a family. I know we're not there yet, but still. . .I wish she hadn't said that about the FSH. And I know from reading loads of other blogs that even with a high FSH, adoption isn't necessarily the next stop. Thank god for this community, and everything I've learned from everyone along the way, because had I not known that it was complete crap when she said it, I would've completely lost my mind. But I'm letting all of that go. I'm not going to worry (mostly) about test results that aren't here yet.

The part that IS bothering me now is that a year and a half ago, when we were talking about taking a break for a while, the doctor never mentioned doing FSH or estradiol, and I knew nothing of those tests, or antral follie count. I didn't know to ask for them. It makes me so pissed that knowing my age and my history, and in the middle of having the discussion about whether or not it was advisable to take a break, she never once mentioned that it was possible to do testing to check my ovarian reserve. And I'm mad at myself, because I know by this point in my life that I shouldn't rely on doctors to tell me everything that's possible or advisable, because I've had other situations where doctors haven't known stuff relevant to my care, which I discovered to myself, to great benefit. I should've done my homework, and I didn't, and now I'm worried I may have missed my chance. Which is all probably a little melodramatic. Still, I'm worried we shouldn't have taken that time off last year. In truth, I can't beat myself up too much, because the bacterial infection dragged on for so long that there were a lot of months that we weren't going to be able to try, anyway. At the end of the day, we probably only missed a few cycles. But still--she should've done the tests then. She should've at least told me it was possible, and talked to me about them.

So, I'm defintely breaking up with her. Now is a good time to do it, anyway, since she's on maternity leave, and I don't want to go see her nurse practitioner again. I can easily switch to another OB, although I've been torn about which to choose. I have a lot of options. I also am lucky to have an array of RE's to choose from, although I have no idea how you even begin with that one. If anyone has thoughts on how to choose a clinic, I'd love to hear them. Because I live within easy driving distance of several prominent med school's, there are a number of doctors with lovely pedigrees in my area, but I'm not sure that's what I should be basing my decision on.

It's also not entirely clear at this point what my insurance will allow me to do. I'm going to have to call, because the benefits booklet isn't available for my plan yet (my employer switched insurance carriers). Thankfully, I have always gone with the more expensive plan, which seems to have better coverage overall. My copays are higher, but I happily pay them, for the privilege of having greater flexibility. It's so weird to me that most people choose the plan with lower co-pays (the difference is only $10 a visit). I usually can self-refer to specialists, so I don't see why an RE would be any different.

My temp dropped about .4 degrees yesterday, but I'm still well above coverline. It's slightly higher today than yesterday, so I'm guessing AF won't be here until at least tomorrow. I go for my second beta today, which should give me an idea of how quickly the level is dropping. I also have the lab slip for FSH and estradiol. The only problem is that I'm going away for, and won't be back until Sunday. I'm hoping that AF doesn't show for real until at least Friday, so that I will be back in time to do the blood draw. And then, I have the slip for the Clo.mid. My goal is to get the bloodwork done, and do the Clo.mid this cycle, but look for a new doctor in the meantime. I don't want to lose a cycle switching doctors.


Anonymous said...

This just stinks. I'm so glad your hubby had the right kind of comfort to give you. I can't believe that replacement doc's bedside manner. Horrendous!

Yes, I believe it is time to move on. As far as antral follie counts and hormone levels go...I'm there unfortunatley. My last two antral counts were 6 and 9. My FSH was 10.5 (just slightly high) but my estradiol has been ok.

It's so hard to deal with POF stuff...but if your at the beginnig, there's a lot they can do for you. My doc mentioned egg donation to me, which sent me into a tizzy several months ago (but that was because my levels had always been good...I was in shock).

It's a hard lesson to learn that ultimately we are in charge of our own treatment. But it is the case.

Big hugs to you right now.


Busted said...

I'm so sorry this didn't turn out as we all wanted it to. I think it's a good idea to move on to a new doctor that will be more proactive. Best of luck, sweetie.

S said...

Your posts really highlight the differences between treatment from an OB/GYN and treatment from a RE. Though it doesn't help your cause, it makes sense in a way that your current doctor's office is most focused on treating women who are fertile: that's the majority of their patients.

My DH and I went to our RE for our first appointment at exactly 6 months of TTC because of my age (37 at the time). In no way did he think we'd come to him too soon.

Oh, and on your question about how to choose a clinic. . . one factor which may need to be considered is what clinics are approved by your insurance plan. I chose our RE because he was voted one of the "Best Doctors" in our city and had successfully treated the daughter of one of the partners in my firm.

P.S. I'm the same "S" from Ramblings & Random Musings who commented yesterday. This profile links to my IF blog (rather than my general blog).

Bluebird said...

I'm so sorry you haven't gotten the treatment and attention you deserve. Totally sucks. But I'm glad to hear your DH is being a doll :)

jen @ negative lane said...

I'm sorry that this happened. I was keeping my fingers crossed for you.

I agree with switching to an RE and I agree with continuing with Clomid until you make that switch. That was what I did when I had my chemical the last time I was TTC. I got lucky and the Clomid worked again (and stuck) just before my first RE appointment, so you know from that super reliable sample of one I think it's a great plan.

Hang in there.

(P.S. I love my BlackBerry, too!)

Anonymous said...

I love my Blackberry. Love it and don't know how I would live without it. I am glad yours is making you happy.

You need a new doctor. I hope you find one who listens to you and doesn't treat you like the lovely nurse did.

Io said...

Oh lady. I'm glad you told T and he was able to comfort you.
I'm glad you're trying not to worry about the FSH thing - no point.