Okay, I'm Over It Now

First of all, can I just say that I totally heart my new Black.berry? I had a Q before that, and the Black.Berry just blows it away in comparision. I love being able to get my email all the time, and I love how easy it is to use the internet on it. And the best part is that when I leave the doctor's office in a tizzy and completely need to vent and can't call my husband because I neglected to tell him I was technically pregnant, I can very easily blog away in my car. And then drive home without killing someone.

I told T. last night, and he was surprisingly relaxed about it. I knew he wouldn't be mad that I didn't tell him right away, but I thought he might be more upset. He just hugged me and said he knew it was going to work out for us, which is exactly what I needed to hear. I had a complete freak out last night after I got home, that maybe we've missed our chance, and we'll never be able to have a family. I know we're not there yet, but still. . .I wish she hadn't said that about the FSH. And I know from reading loads of other blogs that even with a high FSH, adoption isn't necessarily the next stop. Thank god for this community, and everything I've learned from everyone along the way, because had I not known that it was complete crap when she said it, I would've completely lost my mind. But I'm letting all of that go. I'm not going to worry (mostly) about test results that aren't here yet.

The part that IS bothering me now is that a year and a half ago, when we were talking about taking a break for a while, the doctor never mentioned doing FSH or estradiol, and I knew nothing of those tests, or antral follie count. I didn't know to ask for them. It makes me so pissed that knowing my age and my history, and in the middle of having the discussion about whether or not it was advisable to take a break, she never once mentioned that it was possible to do testing to check my ovarian reserve. And I'm mad at myself, because I know by this point in my life that I shouldn't rely on doctors to tell me everything that's possible or advisable, because I've had other situations where doctors haven't known stuff relevant to my care, which I discovered to myself, to great benefit. I should've done my homework, and I didn't, and now I'm worried I may have missed my chance. Which is all probably a little melodramatic. Still, I'm worried we shouldn't have taken that time off last year. In truth, I can't beat myself up too much, because the bacterial infection dragged on for so long that there were a lot of months that we weren't going to be able to try, anyway. At the end of the day, we probably only missed a few cycles. But still--she should've done the tests then. She should've at least told me it was possible, and talked to me about them.

So, I'm defintely breaking up with her. Now is a good time to do it, anyway, since she's on maternity leave, and I don't want to go see her nurse practitioner again. I can easily switch to another OB, although I've been torn about which to choose. I have a lot of options. I also am lucky to have an array of RE's to choose from, although I have no idea how you even begin with that one. If anyone has thoughts on how to choose a clinic, I'd love to hear them. Because I live within easy driving distance of several prominent med school's, there are a number of doctors with lovely pedigrees in my area, but I'm not sure that's what I should be basing my decision on.

It's also not entirely clear at this point what my insurance will allow me to do. I'm going to have to call, because the benefits booklet isn't available for my plan yet (my employer switched insurance carriers). Thankfully, I have always gone with the more expensive plan, which seems to have better coverage overall. My copays are higher, but I happily pay them, for the privilege of having greater flexibility. It's so weird to me that most people choose the plan with lower co-pays (the difference is only $10 a visit). I usually can self-refer to specialists, so I don't see why an RE would be any different.

My temp dropped about .4 degrees yesterday, but I'm still well above coverline. It's slightly higher today than yesterday, so I'm guessing AF won't be here until at least tomorrow. I go for my second beta today, which should give me an idea of how quickly the level is dropping. I also have the lab slip for FSH and estradiol. The only problem is that I'm going away for East.er, and won't be back until Sunday. I'm hoping that AF doesn't show for real until at least Friday, so that I will be back in time to do the blood draw. And then, I have the slip for the Clo.mid. My goal is to get the bloodwork done, and do the Clo.mid this cycle, but look for a new doctor in the meantime. I don't want to lose a cycle switching doctors.