Sunday, May 10, 2009

This Post Is Like the Kitchen Junk Drawer

Little bits of lots of things in it. . .

I decided to tell T. today, mostly because Wednesday is a school day, and I decided that wouldn't be as fun. Plus, I realized that if it took him a while to figure it out, we'd be pressed for time. It was lovely, and he is thrilled. We had a wonderful, amazing, peaceful day.


The fundraiser went off mostly without a hitch, and was successful. Of course, being the neurotic Type A control freak that I am, I can only think about the things I'd do differently to make it twice as successful next time. But in this economy, especially, I am glad that we did as well as we did. It was my first time organizing a major event, so that makes is particularly exciting. I am EXHAUSTED today!


With regard to my last post, a commentor wrote that she felt a little weird knowing before my husband knew. I sort of understand that. But, to me, writing in my blog isn't really like telling. I actually don't feel like I told anyone before I told my husband. I blog anonymously. The internet doesn't know who I really am, and no one IRL knows about my blog. I use this as completely safe, completely free space to clear my head. For me, blogging is sort of like batting things around in my own head--the functional equivalent of having voices that talk back to me about my own thoughts and feelings (with the added bonus that hearing these particular voices doesn't mean I'm crazy!).

The second piece of this (the writing it here before I told T.) is that he is my best friend. The first miscarriage was incredibly difficult for him. If I can spare him an ounce of pain, of course I do, and I will. I would so much rather suffer alone that have him have to suffer with me. But I blog about it, too, so I don't really have to suffer alone. Last month, when I thought the weak positive wasn't going to end well, I did ultimately tell him what happened--but only after I knew the end result. There was no point in getting his hopes up with the first positive, only to be smashed again. He didn't need that. So, part of the waiting this month was for the outcome of the two betas. I want to guard his heart as much as I can, because he is everything to me.

Blogging is the best of both worlds for me. I can get the support and the guidance that I need, without having to expose myself to the thoughts, feelings, motivations, and implications of sharing my situation and experiences with people that I know IRL.


Mother's Day is such a non-holiday for me. I buy a gift and a card and mail it, I make a call (mom's not within easy driving distance), and then I go on with my life. Can't say that being PG made me feel any differently about it. It's like Valentine's Day to me--it's really a pretend holiday.


T. was suprisingly firm about not telling anyone that we are PG for as long as possible. I am in complete agreement. The miscarriages have made us even more guarded, in that regard. Sigh.

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