Friday, May 29, 2009

Boundaries

A few weeks ago, T. and I spent the weekend with his mother. My stomach was bothering me over the weekend, as in, I had a stomachache, no doubt from all of the cookies I ate while I was there.

Last night, my MIL needed a favor, so T. had dinner with her and her husband and did the things they needed done around their house, like the good son he is. While he was there, MIL and her husband confronted him about whether I was pregnant, because I didn't drink any alcohol when I was at their house, and because I kept holding my stomache (which, again, had to do with the stomacheache). MIL had actually suggested to me over the weekend that maybe I was pregnant, and I told her that my stomach was bothering me from the stuff I'd eaten.

I am completely annoyed about this. I have NEVER spoken to them about the fact that we are trying. In fact, I don't want them to even know. I can't prevent T. from talking to his own mother, and he talked to her about the m/c a long time ago. However, he hasn't been talking to her about this stuff in well over a year. She tried to bring it up with me once before (other than last weekend), and I quickly changed the subject. We obviously haven't told her now. She should really get the fact that we have chosen not to talk about it, and she should respect that, even if she suspects that we are pregnant. I understand that she will be excited-but, she has six other grandkids. It's not like this is the first. And it certainly can't be the first time someone hasn't told her something.

I am really upset about her refusal to respect our privacy. I can only imagine what it's going to be like if we end up with a real live baby. The really frustrating part is that even when I've been really clear with her in the past about my needs and desires, she refuses to abide by them. She utterly refuses to acknowledge that someone might feel differently, or have a different perspective from her. I just want her, just once, to back off until she's invited in.

5 comments:

S said...

Because I have only been reading your blog for 6-7 weeks, I don't know what your full history with your MIL is. I do understand that it is really frustrating when you set clear boundaries for someone and she refuses to respect them. I can understand your being annoyed by her questioning.

Having said that, I also think that it is understandable that she should be curious. Even if she has other grandkids, surely she would be thrilled to find out that you and T. are expecting.

Some family just don't get the desire for privacy. I know my parents nagged my sister constantly before she was pregnant (it took them over 2 years to conceive), but they did it out of excitement and a desire to have a grandchild. They didn't realize that she found it intrusive.

Maybe it's a generational thing? I don't know.

Lou said...

I have one better. My MIL actually sent EVERYONE in the entire family an email about my ectopic pregnancy. I couldn't believe it. I was in shock. I totally get where you are coming from! Stay strong!

Lollipop Goldstein said...

It really sucks to not have boundaries respected. But beyond that, is that honestly how she wants to receive the news? To ask and be told yes? And then what? It's such an awkward way to hear news you're happy to hear, why rush the other person? Just abiding with you, sweetie.

JamieD said...

"I can only imagine what it's going to be like if we end up with a real, live baby."

I have thought this so many times. I think my MIL has too much time on her hands. Seriously - I have decided she must just sit around and stew over ways to make me uncomfortable or just plain angry.

I wish I had a suggestion, but know I completely understand where you are coming from.

sassy said...

OK, so I did finally find this post and the others on your MIL. I can totally see the need for boundaries. My MIL is great, respectful of boundaries, etc, but unfortunately it is my own mother that doesn't seem to know what they are. I don't know what to do with her sometimes and it is very hurtful!