Wednesday, May 27, 2009

Fear Factor

I have been trying not to do jinxy things (see that email I just sent you, Darla!) But I just did something I am sure will bring a pox upon my house. I bought a pregnancy book.

It's such a stupid thing, but I've been avoiding it even though I don't have a decent one. I have been thinking about it for weeks, even though I selected the books I wanted some 20 months ago, or so. I'd placed the books I wanted into my Ama.zon shopping cart with my very first pregnancy, but never quite got around to buying them. Despite the nurses' assurances that spotting was normal, once it started, I never felt like that pregnancy was going to work out. In the aftermath, I was thankful that I'd never bought them--it meant fewer things to hide. Now two years later, because Ama.zon is clearly an eternal optimist, they were still in my shopping cart, in the "saved" section. I've circled around them for weeks. . .do I buy them, do I not. I started to place the order, then stopped. I clicked away. I clicked back. "After the third beta," I promised myself. "After the first ultrasound." "After the second ultrasound."

And then I finally realized about five minutes ago, I have to live for today. I can't live for yesterday. I can't live for the lost baby of 2007. I can't live for tomorrow. I can't predict the future, and fearing what is next is simply no way to live. I have to simply experience today as it unfolds. I have to exist in THIS MOMENT. Because this is all I have, but more than that, this is pretty damn good.

9 comments:

VA Blondie said...

Living in the moment can be difficult to do if you have been burned in the past.

Congrats on buying the pregnancy books. I found I like looking at the pregnancy books, but I cannot look more than a week or two ahead.

Enjoy them, and enjoy being pregnant!

JamieD said...

I got the best advice ever a couple of weeks ago, so I am passing it on to you.

Today, you are pregnant. Enjoy it.

Bluebird said...

You are entirely right, and I'm so proud of you for realizing it. Enjoy your books. I particularly like the ones that show the "true to size" photo each week :)

A Decade of BFNs said...

I must say, this post must be directed towards me as well. I read it at the very right time. Thank you. I need to live for today as well. I need to be happy with what I have right now and not worry about what will be next week. I am glad you bought the books. You enjoy every page of them.

Guera! said...

I am so glad you bought the book and are living in the moment. I know that can be frightening and I think it's very brave.

JamieD said...

I just realized I forgot to answer your question about the baby furniture! Sorry!!

We ended up going with Babies R Us. We didn't want huge, ornate pieces of furniture but we did want solid wood and something that converted to toddler and full size. When I was researching and really reading the fine print, I found a lot of furniture is made of 'hardwood' which is pressed wood with a solid wood veneer. Also, if you look carefully, on some of the furniture the bolts show where the furniture is constructed.

And if you are looking for convertable furniture, the difference between 'daybed' and 'toddler bed' is on a toddler bed the mattress is only a foot or so off the ground. The day beds had the safety rail, but the mattress height was the same as a normal bed.

Anyhoo, we were able to find what we wanted at a better price at Babies R Us. Also, I noticed around Easter, they were giving the mattress free with a furniture purchase. So I keep eyeballing the ads to see if they will be having the same special.

Hope this helps!

Sarah said...

Good on you for enjoying the joy you can find. I know it's rough...but kudos.

Nit said...

So happy you are going to enjoy the pregnancy and not get overwhelmend with the "what-ifs".

Good for you! :)

~Jess said...

Yea, I have issues with this too. I'm trying to go with JamieD's philosophy.

Thinking about you guys.