I have been trying not to do jinxy things (see that email I just sent you, Darla!) But I just did something I am sure will bring a pox upon my house. I bought a pregnancy book.
It's such a stupid thing, but I've been avoiding it even though I don't have a decent one. I have been thinking about it for weeks, even though I selected the books I wanted some 20 months ago, or so. I'd placed the books I wanted into my Ama.zon shopping cart with my very first pregnancy, but never quite got around to buying them. Despite the nurses' assurances that spotting was normal, once it started, I never felt like that pregnancy was going to work out. In the aftermath, I was thankful that I'd never bought them--it meant fewer things to hide. Now two years later, because Ama.zon is clearly an eternal optimist, they were still in my shopping cart, in the "saved" section. I've circled around them for weeks. . .do I buy them, do I not. I started to place the order, then stopped. I clicked away. I clicked back. "After the third beta," I promised myself. "After the first ultrasound." "After the second ultrasound."
And then I finally realized about five minutes ago, I have to live for today. I can't live for yesterday. I can't live for the lost baby of 2007. I can't live for tomorrow. I can't predict the future, and fearing what is next is simply no way to live. I have to simply experience today as it unfolds. I have to exist in THIS MOMENT. Because this is all I have, but more than that, this is pretty damn good.