Thursday, May 29, 2008

Crazy

I know I promised that I was going to blog about some really hard stuff, but I'm so exhausted this week that it's too. . .hard. So instead, I'm going to go with crazy.

I was in a really, really bad place this past fall. I was really burned out at work. I'd been pushing myself 60-70-80 hours a weeks for months and months on end, just to keep up. No one at work cared, or even really noticed. It had leveled out a little bit, and I was taking pretty good care of myself, making sure I was eating healthy and sleeping enough. Then, just before I had something really big going on again at work, I had the miscarriage.

I hadn't even considered the possibility that it could happen to me. It was like standing watching a sunrise on a peaceful beach, and being smacked in the head with a two by four, and not even seeing it coming. I was a mess. My head was so NOT together, in fact, that the day we learned about the miscarriage, on the way from my doctor's office, I turned to Terrific T in the car and said something to the effect of "I can't talk about this, because it will make me cry, and I don't have time to cry, because I have to go prepare for this huge meeting." And that's exactly what I did. I had to ask for a two week delay in what I had going on at work, so I could take time off for the D&C and reasonably get my head together enough to do what had to be done after that. I had the D&C, I went back to work, and I was devoured by work for the next month.

Then, the smoke cleared, and I took a couple of weeks off to decompress. Every day, I read, I walked around, I ate dark chocolate, I went to yoga, I relaxed. But, I was still a mess.

I'm not sure how it happened, but I ended up at my favorite spice shop. They sell all sorts of unusual culinary spices, and then lots of essential oils, medicinal herbs, etc. They also happen to give different types of "readings."

Let me just say, I don't believe in the stuff. I really, really don't. I think it's crap. But let me also say that I was in a really bad place. While I was looking for this or that spice, a young girl came up to me and told me that one of their readers had just arrived, if I wanted a reading. No pressure--she just mentioned it and walked away. And in that instant, I was sure that it was a sign, and I should do it.

So I did. This particular reader used tarot cards. It was remarkably relaxing, I have to say. It was also fascinating to hear her describe the job that I do, and how I feel about it. She was spot on! It was even more fascinating to hear her talk about the fact I would be happier doing one of two other things (one of which is The Thing That I Think I Am Meant To Do, but have never tried). It continued to be fascinating, in fact, until the part where she said that she could see that I had recently had a great failure of a project involving a child. At which point, I burst into tears. It was so embarassing. But seriously, how weird is that? It's not like I had pee sticks sticking out of my purse, or anything. Anyway, she told me it simply wasn't my time then, and she saw children in my future. Two, in fact.

Crazy, huh?

14 comments:

chicklet said...

It'd be cool if it wasn't crazy...

JamieD said...

I am so sorry for everything you have been through. I look back to my own experiences during Fall 2007 and it is a wonder I survived.

As far as fortune tellers, I will say I am skeptical but at the same time I will have my palm/cards read at almost every chance. I feel like if you want to believe, you can always make it apply to your life, but sometimes it is really uncanny the things they say.

BB and MTB said...

I hope that you get what your heart desires most with or without believing in what she said. Good luck!

VA Blondie said...

I am sorry for your loss.

I feel like you should be able to get comfort where you find it, even if it comes from a strange source.

Amanda said...

I'm here from NaComLeavMo. I think that if what she said was a comfort to you that you should take comfort from that. I'm a skeptic, too, but I do like getting my palm read.

Heidi said...

I have always been so afraid of having a reading done...what if they tell me something I'm not ready to accept yet??

You are very brave :)

sara said...

Thanks for the well wishes, and I'm very sorry about your miscarriage. Hmm, the fortune teller could be fun. Maybe I should go :-)

Katie said...

Via NaComLeavMo...
I've always been a bit of a sceptic about this kind thing in the past. But every now and again something will happen to me that makes me wonder. I do like the surprise of not knowing what's around the corner.

Mrs.X said...

I remember my first miscarriage - I had the same feeling of being smacked over the head! It was just terrible. Regardless of how crazy it might sound, take comfort in whatever you can. This journey is hard enough without beating yourself over the head thinking that you shouldn't find comfort in it because it *might* be crazy.

Nit said...

Hola from NCLM...thanks for stopping by & thanks for the compliment, you made me smile!

I agree with you about Charlotte...I think she can be passive at times. But, later in the series I think she became more comfortable with who she was...reminded me of self :)

Anyway, I am very sorry for your loss & I can't imagine how you felt that day ( I think you summed it up best with the beach/2 by 4 analogy!).

I also am not into "psychic" crap...but that is very interesting. Hmmm....makes ya wonder!

Sharon said...

Another visitor from NCLM...Although I was a day late and a dollar short to be on the list! I loved when the palm readers hit right on the money...crazy as it maybe..to say that outta the blue can make you think....and have hope!
Hang in there and HUGS for today!
Sharon

http://infertilityanswers.typepad.com/surrogacy_101/

DC said...

I'm also a sceptic re: psychics, but I've had some pretty eerie experiences with spot-on readings.

I hope your work has slowed down and you are taking care of yourself.

Thanks for stopping by my blog to say hello! I LOL at the story about your hubby talking in his sleep. Mine does the same thing! When we were first together, it freaked me out. Now I just laugh and have totally nonsensical conversations with him. :)

Momma Mary said...

Wow. Crazy reading. My fortune cookie this week, however, was wrong. Let's hope that palm readers are a little bit more accurate than slips of paper stuck inside stale cookies! :)

Here from NCLM.

Deb said...

I dont think it is crazy - I hate to admit this out loud but I do believe to a certain degree. I think you should focus on the good things she "read" and allow yourself to heal.

Thanks for stopping by my blog and being understanding about my rant for the bikers law. It frustrated me to no end and I dont usually stress about that kinda stuff - but oh I needed to get it out.

I'll be keeping an eye on you.