Crazy

I know I promised that I was going to blog about some really hard stuff, but I'm so exhausted this week that it's too. . .hard. So instead, I'm going to go with crazy.

I was in a really, really bad place this past fall. I was really burned out at work. I'd been pushing myself 60-70-80 hours a weeks for months and months on end, just to keep up. No one at work cared, or even really noticed. It had leveled out a little bit, and I was taking pretty good care of myself, making sure I was eating healthy and sleeping enough. Then, just before I had something really big going on again at work, I had the miscarriage.

I hadn't even considered the possibility that it could happen to me. It was like standing watching a sunrise on a peaceful beach, and being smacked in the head with a two by four, and not even seeing it coming. I was a mess. My head was so NOT together, in fact, that the day we learned about the miscarriage, on the way from my doctor's office, I turned to Terrific T in the car and said something to the effect of "I can't talk about this, because it will make me cry, and I don't have time to cry, because I have to go prepare for this huge meeting." And that's exactly what I did. I had to ask for a two week delay in what I had going on at work, so I could take time off for the D&C and reasonably get my head together enough to do what had to be done after that. I had the D&C, I went back to work, and I was devoured by work for the next month.

Then, the smoke cleared, and I took a couple of weeks off to decompress. Every day, I read, I walked around, I ate dark chocolate, I went to yoga, I relaxed. But, I was still a mess.

I'm not sure how it happened, but I ended up at my favorite spice shop. They sell all sorts of unusual culinary spices, and then lots of essential oils, medicinal herbs, etc. They also happen to give different types of "readings."

Let me just say, I don't believe in the stuff. I really, really don't. I think it's crap. But let me also say that I was in a really bad place. While I was looking for this or that spice, a young girl came up to me and told me that one of their readers had just arrived, if I wanted a reading. No pressure--she just mentioned it and walked away. And in that instant, I was sure that it was a sign, and I should do it.

So I did. This particular reader used tarot cards. It was remarkably relaxing, I have to say. It was also fascinating to hear her describe the job that I do, and how I feel about it. She was spot on! It was even more fascinating to hear her talk about the fact I would be happier doing one of two other things (one of which is The Thing That I Think I Am Meant To Do, but have never tried). It continued to be fascinating, in fact, until the part where she said that she could see that I had recently had a great failure of a project involving a child. At which point, I burst into tears. It was so embarassing. But seriously, how weird is that? It's not like I had pee sticks sticking out of my purse, or anything. Anyway, she told me it simply wasn't my time then, and she saw children in my future. Two, in fact.

Crazy, huh?