Wednesday, September 9, 2009

The Things People Say (22 Weeks)

This weekend we went to a pig roast where family and friends were in attendance. It started off awkward for me, as we got there early to help set up, and the only other person there was a good friend of the hosts. I happen to know that her final IVF ended in miscarriage not so long ago, and they've moved on to adoption. I also know all too well how it must feel for her to be confronted with a pregnant woman. Our mutual friend also knows it's hard on her, because when I first told her two months ago that I was pregnant, she mentioned that she was not going to even tell her for a while. So, I was a little horrified when my friend starting talking about my belly (I am getting VERY round in front!) in front of this poor woman. I know it's been a few months since her miscarriage, but I also know all too well that a few months is nothing it all. After a few months, it still feels like yesterday. With a final IVF behind her and a new path ahead of her, I'm sure she still feels the pain.

Needless to say, she disappeared in pretty short order, and I didn't see much of her for the rest of the day. I wish I could've said something, but I'm probably not supposed to even know about her situation. I hurt for her, though. Unfortunately, a lot of people who knew her kept coming up to me all day to talk about my pregnancy, and I kept trying to change the subject. Yes, I'm thrilled. No, I don't want to talk about it at the expense of another woman.

I mentioned to a few people that I didn't want to talk about it in front of her. Their responses really floored me. One friend-a very sensitive, caring woman-shrugged and said "life goes on.". You can always tell the women who've never been there. They don't truly get it, even when it's explained to them. It was shocking to me, actually, how almost callous people seemed. She can't have her own child. It's not like she founf out that the grocery store was out of Wheaties. But the reactions to my concern for her mental health were essentially along the lines of "she should be over it." Sigh. You always carry that with you, even if you reconcile yourself to it. I wish people got that.

Later on, a family friend who didn't know I was pregnant saw me and was completely floored. Again, the belly giving me away-it was kind of fun, actually. It's the first time someone has found out by looking at me. The expression was priceless. The line of questioning that followed was not:

Friend: So, was this a surprise?

Me (knowing full well what she was asking): Was what a surprise?

Friend: The baby?

Me: To me?

Friend: Yes.

Me (snorting): No, the baby definitely was not a surprise to me.

As though this wasn't bad enough, a family member chimed in on the fun a short time later:

Her: So, how sure are you about your due date?

Me (again knowing just what she was asking): What do you mean?

Her: Well, are you sure it's right?

Me: Huh?

Her: Well, with my kids, I was never exactly sure of, you know, so I never was exactly sure the dates were right.

Me: I'm positive that my due date is accurate. I was keeping a pretty close eye on things.


And then, at another function this week, it was a not-so-nonchalant "I gained less than 20 pounds with each of my kids." Personally, I think this is an incredibly unhealthy weight gain, especially since she then went on to tell me that her babies were only 5 pounds. But more than that-why say that to ANY pregnant woman? Is it a competiton? A challenge? I am going to gain as much as I can (meaning 30-35 pounds, which is a lot for me, considering how I struggle to put on weight), to have as big of a baby as I can (within reason, of course), because that's HEALTHY, and NORMAL, and BEST FOR THE BABY. Women are so competitive, but we've got to draw the line at the "minimal weight gain during pregnancy" competition. That's crazy, and unhealthy for our children.

Speaking of which, stat's this week: +12 pounds from pre-pregancy weight. Crap. This means I'm down another pound or so, which makes it two weeks in a row. I can't figure out why, since I feel like I'm constantly eating. I went to a pig roast, for crying out loud, and hovered over the appetizer table for two hours until dinner was ready! I ate chips! With dip! And cookies, pork, pasta salad, veggies, and two kinds of dessert! I have a doctor's appointment this week, so I'll have to chat with her about my weight gain, and whether I'm on track. I am eating lots of healthy snacks between meals-fruit, nuts, cheese, veggies, and hummus-so it's tough to say why my weight is so static. I feel like I'm constantly eating, and constantly full.

Work has been really crazy, as I gear up for an upcoming project. I am doing a lot of blog reading on my phone, as I have a few minutes in between things, but I can't always access the commenting screen, for reasons I can't figure out. But I'm always reading, so don't feel ignored.

And finally, the name thing. Everyone is constantly asking what the baby's name will be. We have no idea. People think we are just keeping it a secret, but truthfully, we have no plans to name her until she is born. We have a "short list" of a dozen or so names, which is constantly evolving. It just feels right to meet her before we name her. I feel like we'll know the right name when we see her.


just me, dawn said...

"life goes on"?? wow, that is just wrong on so many counts....and as for the other comments, geez people just open mouth and insert one foot quickly followed by the sound like you are handling it well :)

~Jess said...

Those are some REALLY insensitive people: Unless they've experienced it themselves, I'm convinced, that they'll never NEVER understand it.

The pig roast sounds really yummmy :-)

JamieD said...

Ouch. That comment wasn't even said to me and it hurt.

People who haven't been there will never get it.

Gabby said...

wow - i was shocked at your friend's comment, "lefe goes on" - yes, some people just will not understand.

you are sweet and sensitive to worry about your other freind wiht the recent loss. what a tough situation!

you gain as much as you can - you are right - big, healthy baby is the goal!