Blessings and the Not So Good

We are so very lucky. There are so many things big and little which are going well for us. And then, there is the rest of it. . .

I am happy to report that we seem to have fallen into a bit of a sleep routine. Miss M. now sleeps solidly for anywhere from three to five and a half hours at the beginning of the night. After that, she's up every 1.5 to 2.5 hours, but I'll take it. At least I'm getting one good chunk of sleep a night. Two nights ago, she only woke once to eat, and even went back to sleep for a morning nap, so I got a total of nine whole hours of sleep!

Unfortunately, over the last 24 hours, we've developed a new and vexing problem. She woke from a sound sleep last night around 6pm, and proceeded to scream for the next two hours. Several dirty diapers later, she calmed down and went to sleep. She slept fitfully all night, fussing in her sleep, and then this morning, it was rinse, lather repeat: she woke out of a sound sleep and proceeded to scream for an hour. I gather that I ate something that doesn't agree with her (chocolate and cucumbers seem to be the only "unusual" things in my diet the last few days), and she is suffering from gas. Poor, poor baby. I feel terrible for her.

She's been increasingly alert, which is wonderful. I've been able to coax some smiles out of her, especially in the morning. She seems to enjoy laying on her Gy.mini, although she appears to like staring out the window, at the television, or at the contrasting patterns of the boards on the ceiling, as much as or more than staring at the things hanging from the Gy.mini. She's currently enjoying the butterfly mobile in her swing, although my poor dog is not. The noise emitted by the mobile's motor always makes her whine.

Miss M's head control is really coming along quite well. She is very interested in the world around her, and has been lifting her head to try to see almost from birth. At first, it was to stare at the red flowers on our sheets. We bought a new bedding set right before she was born. There are red flowers of varying sizes on the bedding, set on a cream background. She thinks they are the best thing ever. It's hilarious to watch her try to crane her neck around me while I'm attempting to feed her in bed, so she can see the sheets.

By the way, I am madly in love with Pam.pers diapers. They have a yellow line around them that turns blue when the baby pees. It's so easy. Yes, I am kind of pathetic.

Miss M. also seems to be gaining weight. She feels a bit heavier. I can definitely tell that she's grown in length, because her feet didn't used to extend all the way down her outfits, but now she fills them out fully. Soon, we will be out of the newborn outfits and into the 0-3 months sizes. I'm kind of looking forward to that, because we have some really adorable clothes in those sizes. We currently have an insanely large stash of baby clothes; no one ever stops by without brining something they just couldn't leave in the store. I don't think we're going to need to buy anything until the baby is at least a year old.

Yesterday, my aunts came and helped out. They've been coming periodically and watching her while I nap. But since I got a good night's sleep the night before, one watched her with my cousin, while the other helped me finish setting up the nursery. We still need an area rug to warm up the hardwood, and I need to move the glider up there (it's been in the living room). I also need to decide what I want to hang on the walls, and I need to pick up a dresser. The crib is together, and looks fabulous with the bedding. The built-in bookshelves are starting to fill up with books and toys. I found these great bins to put on the shelves, too, which match the room decor perfectly. I am loving it.

Being a mom is really nice, I have to say. The hard parts aren't as hard as I'd imagined, and the good parts are so much better than I'd hoped. I just adore Miss M. I promise to update with a photo of her soon, too! I have been lazy about that, and she really is quite cute, if I do say so myself.

And now, the really not so good. . .I have been anxiously waiting to hear about the job that I have been trying to get. If you're relatively new here, I first applied for this job in January of last year, and have been working my way through the hiring process ever since then. I had been considering the job for a very long time before I applied, maybe six or seven years, but wasn't ready to commit to it until this past year, as it involves a major life change. I really, really want this job, despite the fact that it would involve a major move with a new baby. I have made it all the way to the final round in the hiring proces. Unfortunately, it doesn't look like it's going to pan out. Based on my most recent communication from the prospective employer, I don't think they are going to hire me.

I am so, incredibly sad about this. I was really hoping that it was all going to fall into place. The last few years have been so hard for me professionally (and the personal stuff hasn't exactly been a cakewalk, either, but I digress). I had really thought it was finally all going to come together for me, as the process had been going so well: after I applied (knowing the turnaround time was about a year from application to start date), my pregnancy worked out while my candidacy was pending. If they were going to make me an offer, the start date would be just after my maternity leave ends, so that I wouldn't have to go back to my current job. I had made my peace with leaving my current job, which I love despite the fact it sucks the life out of me. I was ready to move on. I would have used the tail end of my maternity leave to pack up the house for the move. I don't know why, I just felt like the timing was so perfect. . .that it was meant to be.

But based on my recent contact, it doesn't appear that it is going to happen. I had such dreams for what the future would hold with this new job--a new location, a new life. I was really ready for that. I feel like we've turned a page in so many ways with Miss M's arrival, and I was really looking forward to shaking up the rest of our lives. I was looking forward to raising her from inside a fresh perspective, a fresh life.

Perhaps even worse than just the fact that it seems unlikely I'll get the job is the fact that I haven't been able to figure out a Plan B. There isn't anything else that I want to do, and due to the unique nature of the job, there isn't another employer that I can apply to as an alternative.

I suppose there is a silver lining. We've had our lives on hold for months, not wanting to commit to buying new furniture and curtains and a million other things, in case we needed to move. I can now put off cleaning out the basement indefinitely, since a move isn't imminent. I can order seed and plant catalogs, and plan a ridiculously elaborate garden project for the spring and summer, because we'll be here to see it through. I suppose the future is now a completely blank slate, and I can write on it anything that I want. Now I just need to figure out what that is.