Has it really been two months since I posted? It doesn't seem like it's been that long, but I guess it has been. I haven't been writing, I haven't been reading, I haven't been anywhere near the computer. I must say, I've missed this--all of it. I've been busy living, though, and something had to go, and it was the internet. But I'm back. I need the outlet!
Life is busy. Miss M is fabulous, and I spend every spare minute with her, just soaking up her supreme babyliciousness. Every day, she grows and changes and expands her world. It is just tremendously satisfying to experience. Being her mother has satisfied something deep in my soul. But more about her and all of that in another post. I need to get other stuff down today--so much other stuff that I don't even know where to begin!
The job alternates between being utterly cool and making me feel like a huge loser. I guess that's to be expected--I completely changed fields, and there is obviously a learning curve. Some days I am on top of the world, and things just snap into place. But some days I just feel so irrelevant. I spent a decade working on important stuff, and could easily find ways to make myself needed. The work I'm doing now is important, but not in quite the same way, and I am not yet the one people turn to when they need someone for the tough stuff. It's weird. Growing pains, I guess. I know I'll get there--I remember it was like this a decade ago, and I know I'll work my way through it.
And it's not all bad, not by a long shot. There are days, hours, moments of bad, but there is plenty of good, and a pile of cool in between those. And did I mention the amazing baby? Even if work totally sucked, I do have her. It doesn't suck. For instance, last week I went to a cocktail party after work, one that I wasn't particularly interested in attending. I had a bit of trouble finding it; it was in a quiet building lacking signage, behind an anonymous door featuring a man with a clipboard and a guest list, and up three flights of stairs. It turned out to be an intimate affair featuring free-flowing alcohol and fancy finger food. I barely looked around upon entering, so disinterested was I in attending. So much so, in fact, that I nearly smacked into Kevin Spacey, who was immaculately dressed and as charming as you might imagine. But then, actors are generally on, aren't they?
But that wasn't my only brush with fame this week. I'm currently sitting here watching a movie as I write this, and as it turns out, I ran into one of the movie's actors in my neighborhood grocery store today. He apparently couldn't find the bread product he was looking for. I would tell you who he is, but you know how crazy I am about security, and you'd know where I lived if I mentioned it. Suffice it to say that makeup helps men out on camera as much as it does women. He looked thin and pasty and old today. It's funny living in a big city, as opposed to our former little town. These are just the sorts of things that happen--famous people are out, living their lives.
I don't have a good seque into breastfeeding from there, so let's just jump, shall we? I am still breastfeeding. Miss M will be a year old in a few short weeks, and that was my goal in the beginning. Anything more than that is gold. I am so proud of myself that we made it thus far, despite the moves and the career change and the utter chaos. That said, I can't wait to stop pumping at work. When I started the job, I realized that pumping in my office would be impossible (glass walls). The bathrooms are cold and feature multiple stalls--no privacy. They ended up building a "lactation room," but it's a single bathroom that they put some chairs in, and worse, men use it to go to the bathroom. There are a few men who clearly don't like to poop in stalls, and go out of their way to seek out this location to use it for that purpose. So gross. And it's near the garage, so it's totally freezing. I hate it, but there is NO good place to pump in our building. I am down to pumping twice a day at work. Oh, I can't wait to not have to pump at work! Miss M still is very attached to nursing in the morning, at night just before bed, and while she sleeps, if she wakes up. I think it will be hard for her to let go of, but we won't do anything cold turkey. I'm going to stop pumping at work in a few weeks; we'll see what happens with my milk supply after that.
Although I am not pumping as much as I once was, my period has not yet returned. T. has started talking about #2, but I am not there yet. I'm clearly not there physically yet. But I'm not there yet mentally ,either. I'm physically just wrung out. Between the year plus that I spent eating well and taking care of myself while I was pregnant or trying to get pregnant, and then the last year of breastfeeding, I'm just exhausted. I want my body back to myself for a bit. I want to be free for a little bit. I just need a time out. And I'm not sure about juggling with a second child. We are managing with one, but two feels like it might be chaos. T. is home with Miss M full time, but it's still not easy--I'm still washing plenty of dishes and doing laundry and errands, errands, errands, and working and playing with baby, and shopping for gifts, and preparing for visitors and. . .it just feels chaotic now, and I worry about handling it all with one more.
That said, I certainly want another child. Our family doesn't feel finished. I don't really want Miss M to be an only child. We are tabling the discussion for now. We'll see how I feel in a few months.
Miss M is sleeping fairly well. However, she is in our bed still. I have mixed feelings about this. On the one hand, it is completely and totally working for us. We're all getting sleep. She settles really fast when she wakes in the middle of the night, if she wakes at all, that is. She goes to be between 8 and 10 (depending on whether she's taken 2 or 3 naps during the day--three results in Energiz.er bunny Miss M!), and sleeps until 7:30-8am. But, she also likes to snuggle close to me all night, and she is a little furnace. Or, she lays perpendicular, and I get kicked in the face. I love that our nights involve actual sleep, but I would also like to reclaim my acreage. Or at least stop getting kicked in the head.
I know there are people who have sex all of the time, and are parents to small children. Those people are not me. I know it's from the breastfeeding, but sex remains fairly uncomfortable, even when I'm not so exhausted that I actually am up for it. The body really is miraculous in the way that it manages resources. Mine clearly does not want to be pregnant again right now! I am hoping that my hormones bounce back to normal when breastfeeding slows further in a few weeks.
I am super excited about Christmas, because we have company coming. It's going to be an over-the-top affair, I'm afraid, because everyone has been sending enormous boxes of presents. More on that later.
For Miss M's birthday, I also have an over-the-top celebration planned. I will tell you all about it, but probably after the fact, because I am exhausted, and going to bed.
Seriously, I am so tired.