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I got my test results back a week or so ago.  There was some good news (no random weird stuff appeared in my abdomen) and then some questionable stuff that I am still following up on (something funny about the shape of my pancreas, which might mean that it has always been that way and that's just how it's shaped, or could mean something bad).   My doctor here is on vacation.   The clinic that I was referred to by the "stand in" doctor for a second opinion probably isn't willing to do a second opinion on my condition, because they lack the specialists.  The doctor that I found on my own that consults on my condition is being less than warm and friendly, which doesn't bode well for the second opinion from him.  Or I should say, his office manager isn't.  I don't understand people who treat patients poorly.  Like, don't they get that we are already having a rough enough time as it is?  And, my own surgeon from December is taking his sweet time in getting back to me on the weirdness that just showed up on my CT scan.  It is super maddening to try to manage my medical care from outside the U.S..  Sigh.  Good times.

I'm mostly calm about it.  I'm sick of dealing with being sick, but it's becoming the new normal.   It stung a little when I told the "stand in" doctor that I was tired of dealing with this and ready to be done with it, and she told me that I might never be done with it.   I mean, I know that, but it stung to hear someone say it.

It's especially hard because I'm doing all of this while also trying to figure out where we go from here, professionally.  We are scheduled to be here for another year, but have to sort out where to go next.  The easiest thing for me to do would be to go back to the U.S., but the honest reality is that it means a huge pay cut.  It's one thing if I really need to go back and be there, but I don't want to be forced back out of fear.   I would so much prefer to just go on with my life.

I guess that is what makes this so hard:  not knowing.  I don't have enough information to make good decisions, about either my health or our future.