Diagnosis needed

For the last few months, I've had right-sided pain around when I think I should be ovulating. It goes on for days and days, and it's only been happening for a few months. It's clearly not normal. The first month it happened happen to coincide with my visit to Dr. HooHoo, and after practically causing me to come out of the stirrups while feeling my ovary while pressing down from outside AND inside, she concluded I'd probably O'd from that side. Except, the pain has gotten worse, and is happening for a week plus during the cycle.

Yes, I know I should see the doctor. No, I don't have time right now. Any thoughts on what it is, though? Because I can't fit in a doctor's visit for at least 2-3 more weeks, and it really kinda hurts.

Gah

The Big Project rolls on. It is very intense, and has gotten kind of ugly in places. I don't know why people think it is effective to yell at other people. I have incredibly thick skin. Yelling at me doesn't really bother me, and it certainly doesn't make me move faster or make me any more likely to do something I'm not inclined to do. In fact, the only think yelling does is make it clear to me that the yeller is in fact a complete jackass.

I'm on CD25, with no little egg on the monitor. My right ovary feels like it's going to explode. It's been very painful the last few months around O. I wonder if there is a cyst or something. I don't know what happened to my cycle. Ugh.

So, DH and I kind of have a plan for Borneo, if the damn BP ("Big Project") will ever end. I found an amazing cottage right on the beach in Hawaii. If we managed to get knocked up by then (yeah, right), we'll rent it for three weeks in December, and probably be away for Christmas. It'll be a combination vacation/Christmas present to each other. If we're not pregnant by then, we're going to do three weeks in Guatemala/Honduras/and either Nicaragua or Costa Rica, probably spending a week in the hills exploring ruins, a week or so scuba diving, and a week surfing (I have no idea how to surf. . .I wanna take lessons, though). We were going to go for longer, but we are also renovating our house right now, and since I've been away a lot for the BP, things are utter chaos at home. I want to spend a few weeks getting things in order and hopefully put back together before we go. . .I can't live like this for much longer! Note to self: tackling the BP, making a further attempt at pregnancy, and major house renovations do not make for a pretty combination. Do not attempt to do all at the same time again in the future.

Gifts

Taking time out from the Big Project to respond to this tag from Manda.

Here are the rules:

The Rules:
1. Write about 5 specific ways blogging has affected you, either positively or negatively.
2. link back to the person who tagged you
3. link back to this parent post
4. tag a few friends or five, or none at all
5. post these rules— or just have fun breaking them

The Answers:
1. Blogging has given me a place to talk about something that I'm not comfortable talking about IRL. It's intensely personal for me. And, most of my "real life" is about my career, and my current job isn't particularly pro-family. Plus, I am seen as sort of hard-charging and aggressive, which are assets in my field. The TTC-thing is sort of antithetical to how people see me, and just not something I want to put out there with most of my work friends (what they'll say when I'm pregnant is a whole other story, but I'll deal with that if and when we get there). Without blogging, I'd be going mad.

2. Blogging has connected me with other people who are having experiences similar to mine, and has thereby given me support I wouldn't otherwise have. Since 35 is in the rearview mirror for me, most of my friends already have kids, or have no plans for them. I don't know anyone who is currently TTC, or has been open about having trouble TTC, if they've had problems. Hence, I would otherwise have no one to share this experience with, and would have no source of commiseration and support, but for blogging.

3. Reading the blogs that belong to those in this little corner of the world has prepared me to deal with whatever may lie on the road ahead of us. By reading about all of your experiences, I've celebrated your best-case scenarios and cried over your worst-case scenarios, and I think this has prepared me for whatever may come in my own journey.

4. Blogging has given me a place to record this journey, for better or worse. After my first year, I plan on using one of the online publishing services to create a journal out of my blog. It's just for me, to remember where I've been. . .and hopefully, someday, I will be able to look back through it and see how far I've come.

5. Blogging has made my world both a little bigger and a little smaller. A little bigger, because I now have connected with so many more people that I've met through blogging. A little smaller, because these connections are literally all over the place, and I've come to realize that no matter where we live, what our socioeconomic or educational background, or what side of the political aisle we may sit on, we are all connected by some very basic things in life.

I'm not going to tag anyone in particular, but feel free to blog on this one, if you'd like, and have a happy weekend.

PS CD18, and no apparent O. But I'm sleeping 3-4 hours a night, missing lots of meals thanks to meetings, etc., and my overall stress level is off the charts, so perhaps this is no surprise. I'm not temping this month, so it's also possible I had a very short hormonal spike, the monitor missed it, since I've been having lots of CM. I am so busy with the Big Project that I'm not even going to worry about this right now. I AM starting to turn my thoughts to Borneo, however. It's getting closer. . .

Various and Sundry Things

The Big Project at work continues to consume my life. . .things are in full swing now, and I'm sleeping only 3-4 hours a night. I've been going to bed at 11-midnight, and getting up at 3 am to keep working. It's insane, but in a mostly good way. I finally had a night off last night, and managed to have dinner with Terrific T., and got a solid night's sleep. It's amazing how much more clear-headed I am this morning. Can I just tell you how fabulous and patient Terrific T. is about this whole ordeal, too? He hasn't complained once about the fact he never sees me, and even went out and bought me three new suits this week, because he just decided I needed them. He rocks.

I think the B6 is working. AF came and went, and was heavier and longer than it's been in years (okay, that part was a little annoying). I ended up with a 24 day cycle last month, which is obviously wonky, but it's better than the 35-40 day cycles I've had in recent month. I am hoping that the heavy AF means that I had more of a lining this past month than in previous months. It's CD11 of the new cycle today, and I seem to have CM again, which I'm taking as a good sign. I'm not sure that we'll try this month, though--I've sort of changed my mind about that again, now that it's really crunch time on the big project. I seem to be pushing the outer limits of what a human being can do, physically. Pregnancy seems like a bad thing to add into the mix, even if we could achieve it. I just weighed myself and discovered I've lost another five pounds somehow in the last week and a half. That can't be good. Racing around between things, I'm missing meals, despite my best intentions. I now weigh less than I did in 9th grade, and I was a scrawny freshman.

I have barely seen the news, and haven't followed what the candidates have been up to for a couple of weeks now. But I love politics, and am intrigued by a question Calliope has posed, which is, What are the top issues that will determine who you vote for in November? What do you wish the candidates were talking about? If you have no interest in politics, skip the rest of the post.

I haven't decided who I am voting for. The experience question has me scratching my head about both sides of the ticket. I keep comparing Pa.li.n and Ob.am.a to people I know with similar work histories, and I'm just not sure either of them belongs in the White House. I just don't know. Here's my wish list of things I'd like to hear more about:

1. Foreign policy. . .good lord, the destruction the Bush administration has inflicted. It's embarassing to me, how we've behaved internationally over the last 8 years. I want someone who is going to mend fences AND keep us safe. We don't have to be a bully to do that. It is possible to be both polite and strong. But what do the candidates actually have planned? I'm not just talking about the war in Iraq--I want to hear more about overall strategy, on a worldwide basis.

2. Energy policy: We need alternatives to oil; that much is clear. What are the candidates' thoughts on how to create alternatives? Offshore and/or ANWAR drilling are stopgap measures, at best. I want to know what their thoughts are in a more comprehensive way.

3. The Economy, stupid. What can or should be done to reverse the current trend? Tax cuts and rebates are not the answer, IMO. What do they have planned?

4. Abortion. The positions are on the table, so I don't really need to hear much more about it, but I thought I would mention it as something that's important to me, since we're talking politics. It's probably blasphemy among TTC-ers to be talking about abortion, but I'm not sure I can vote for a pro-life candidate. I've always been pro-choice, and the lack of ability to make my body do what I want it to in recent months (years?) has underscored for me the importance of being able to choose. The lack of control has further instilled in me the desire for control. I'm not a single-issue voter, by any means, but this matters to me. And I have to say it (sorry if I offend): women who try to push a pro-life agenda bug me. I figure that middle-aged white guys don't know what it's like to have a uterus, and will never be in the position of having to make an agonizing choice. It's entirely a theoretical analysis for them, and hey, who really wants to kill a baby, when you consider the issue in a vacuum. I can see why they might be pro-life. I don't like it, but I can see it. I can even understand women who have made the choice that they would personally never terminate a pregnancy for any reason. But women should know that even if they themselves would never make that choice, circumstances vary wildly such that it SHOULD be a choice. No woman should ever be trapped by her own body. And if you don't agree with me, go spend some time with women who have been impregnated as a result of being beaten and raped. Sure, some of them can deal with it just fine. But, for others, carrying such a pregnancy to term would be horribly scarring beyond measure. And then there are the billion other circumstances that women find themselves in. It is a personal health care choice, and it should be left to the individual, just like cancer treatment and Viagra. It's one of my many hangups about Pa.li.n.

5. Health care. I have great health care, but lots of people do not. What are we going to do about it? Is it even government's role? Should Massachusetts be a model for the nation?

There are a lot more issues that I think are important, but those are the big ones for now. I'd love to hear what you think is important.

PS I've noticed that there seem to be some political spin doctors monitoring the Blogosphere and posting diatribes whenever, say Pa.li.n's name comes up. If you are one of those people, please don't bother to comment. I am interested in normal bloggers' thoughts and opinions; I don't really care what the professionals think, and you are certainly not going to get me to change my mind by posting on my blog.

Io's Insights

Io has a great post about Sarah Palin and the fact that it is being crammed down our throats that she is a mother. It really is getting a little ridiculous. I had started to leave a comment for Io, but then it turned into a giant rant, so I've moved it over here. So, before you read, go read Io's post (and the comments), and then come on back.

I totally agree with Io about her thoughts on this topic. In a few short days, Sarah Palin has become a caricature of a woman. With any other candidate, we'd be talking about gun control, abortion, foreign policy experience, offshore drilling, ANWAR, Iraq, the economy, etc. But here were are, talking about how she is a parent. It's the ultimate sexism, because if she were a man, it would simply be taken for granted. As we get more women in high offices, I think this will eventually change, but Sarah Palin is also missing a big chance to change things. She has allowed herself to become part of the problem. You can hate Hillary Clinton all you want and criticize her for being cold and harsh--she didn't use Chelsea as a prop. It's offensive to me that Palin is willing to prostitute herself in this way. And we most certainly wouldn't be talking about this if Romney had been the pick, despite the fact he also has a pack of children. He trotted them out for the photo op, but they weren't exactly central to his campaign theme, IMO. Motherhood seems very central to the Palin Persona. Does the campaign really think America is that dumb, that the Motherhood Gimmick is going to win them the election? And do they really think that little of Hillary Clinton supporters, that they think that Hillary supporters are going to see a vagina on the ticket and be blinded by the light in the voting booth? What I liked about Hillary was that she was tough and smart and had good ideas--things that had nothing to do with her gender. Voting based on gender is like voting based on color or religious preference. . .superficial and absurd.

I wish they'd shut up and talk about stuff that matters, because frankly, being a parent is rather pedestrian. It's normal (well, normal in neighborhoods other than this little corner of the blogosphere, perhaps). It may make one slightly more qualified to lead the PTA in a town of 6000 people, but it certainly does not make one more qualified to lead a diverse nation of 300 million people. In other words, it should be a nonissue.

But my feelings about the Mommy Candidate situation are multifaceted. As a successful, childless professional woman over the age of 35, I have had a whole lot of experiences with the mother vs. nonmother debate. On one hand, there are definitely those out there who think that motherhood gives one superpowers mere nonmothers don't have, and I have been condescended to more times than I can count, and yes, it's annoying.

On the other hand, there are those who think that I can work harder and do more because I'm not tied down by burdens at home. So, in some sense, I'm more valuable (and, I get a lot more dumped on me and a lot more expected of me sometimes--my supervisor is a middle-aged, childless, single male-- which isn't fair to me, either). Men, by the way, are not subject to such an analysis AT ALL, in my experience. The women in my office who have kids have to deal with the subtle discrimination all the time(the "I'm not sure she can do it, because of the kids," generally whispered in a voice that is meant to sound concerned about the woman in question.) It's highly offensive not only to the woman in question, who is generally as hard working and present as I am, and certainly as all of the men in the office. Yet, I've seen men with the same number of kids, whose children are the same age, not face any scrutiny at all, while women in the same position have to prove they can "handle" the job and being a parent. It's such crap. America likes to think that it's achieved equality because there are women in the boardroom, but just because we're sitting there doesn't mean we are treated equally.

So I guess what I'm saying is that while I'm totally annoyed that there's so much coverage of Mommy Palin, I am also all to aware that there are so many important professional jobs where motherhood is an impediment for very intelligent, highly competent women. And I'm not entirely sure that the vice presidency will not be one of them. I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop for Ms. Palin, because when you live by the sword, you die by it, too, and America is still a very sexist place for professional mothers.

No Dice

Where did that saying come from, anyway?

In any case, alas, after spotting all day yesterday, AF arrived with a vengeance today. But hey, a 24 day cycle with a day 14 O, that's something, right? Of course, that barely 10 day LP is a little sketchy, but we'll take it for now.

I'm totally cool with it, surprisingly enough. It would've been nice to get knocked up this cycle, but it will also be nice to drink a couple of cups of joe in the morning, as I am beat. The Big Project continues to totally kick my ass. I'm having fun, though. My job is like crack--the bad days are really bad, but the good days make you forget all about the bad ones. Totally addictive, and totally bad for me.

Hmmmmm. . .

Still nothing. And when I got up this morning, I realized that it was very cold outside here, and I'd been sleeping next to an open window. Perhaps this mornings low-ish temp was due to the window. Whereas, the night before it had been very hot all night, which may explain yesterday morning's very high temp.

The hope keeps burbling up, even though I keep trying to squash it back down.

Way Too Much Information

There's a local bookstore where I go to work sometimes. It's quiet and peaceful and the coffee is good. I've actually done some of my best work there. I went yesterday for a couple of hours, and got a ton done. While there, though, I could tell that AF was on the way. Little stabby pains and cramping. Sure enough, I went into the bathroom and discovered a tiny bit of brown spotting on my underwear. But then I wiped, and. . .nothing. Crampy all afternoon, but. . .nothing more. Curious. I definitely felt like AF was about to arrive. But a very hopeful part of me is wondering whether this could be the famed implantation bleeding? I went and bought more tests, just in case, but so as not to jinx myself into AF by buying expensive tests, I got the crappy ones from the Dol.lar Store. Would you believe the store only had two left? I felt kind of guilty buying the last ones, but I bought both of them.

Unfortunately, my temperature plummeted this morning. It's not even worth wasting a $1 test now. AF will no doubt arrive by dinner. Drat.