Swirling Clouds

I am all over the place lately, so please forgive the mess. I kind of just need to get some of it out of my head.

First of all, I am incredibly forgetful all of a sudden. I know this is a side effect of being in a million different places, but it's making me crazy. I will be so certain that I left something somewhere, and then it's not there, and I can't find it. Business cards, cell phone, files, notes, my watch. . .it's completely maddening. I already have no time, and then I have to waste time trying to find the stuff, but have no idea where to look for it, because it's not where I was SURE it was.

I am incredibly, horribly thirsty all of the time. My OB wasn't the slightest bit concerned, but I feel like I can never drink enough (although, I am constantly too full to WANT to drink). Yet, I am hardly peeing. Althogh, I keep thinking that I have to pee, only to discover that I don't. And then, I think I don't have to pee, only to discover five minutes later that my bladder is stretched to beyond capacity. I don't know why or how this happens, but it's maddening. It is also inconvenient, given the upcoming project, which involves a fair amount of public speaking.

I am so, so, so ready for change. I am not sure what I will do if this job doesn't pan out. I can't even think about it, really. It's overwhelming. I have had my background check interview (and boy, were there a lot of questions on their list). I don't see any problems there, but when you put your life under a microscope, there are invariably things that come up. It's shocking to hear, I'm sure, but I've actually made mistakes in my life. Who knows what they will think of them--I assume that no one is perfect, but maybe I am wrong, and I am some terrible abberation when you look at my life up close. No, background checks are not good for the neurotic, in case you were wondering.

In an odd twist, during my background check interview, it came up that my background examiner had suffered with secondary infertility, and ending up adopting the second time around. He said he liked to tell his wife that she had their first child, and he had their second one, since he made most of the arrangements for the adoption, and brought the child back from the country they adopted from. It really is everywhere.

I feel like I am on the cusp of a new and exciting life, but I can't quite see what it looks like yet. The baby is one component, but there are definitely other components. It could be this job that I want so badly, it could be something else. I am impatient and anxious about it. . .I just want everything figured out already. It's so HARD to try to figure out what's next, and waiting is HARD, and being uncertain is HARD. Life is so much easier once you've made the tough decisions, once you can see the goal, once you have a plan. I am not good with the in-between spaces.

The baby is doing well. She's been kicking and punching me throughout the day today. I am excited for her to get here, but I feel oddly detached lately. I think it's because I've been so busy with so many things. It's like, I know she's in there and growing, but it doesn't feel quite real. The more time that goes by, the less real this feels. I intellectually know that her due date is in 12 weeks or so, but I feel like time has sort of suspended, like I will be pregnant forever and there won't soon be a baby that is living in my house. Lately, it's actually hard for me to imagine the baby living in my house part of this equation. What I really need is for time to slow down and for me to have more time for and with myself. Unfortunately, it will be another month before that happens. The good news, I suppose, is that once Thanksgiving gets here, I am slated to have a really light work schedule through my maternity leave. The silver lining is that this doesn't give me much time to freak out about the baby-coming-out-of-me stage. See? Sometimes denial is a good thing.

I have not talked to my office about the background check yet. I had every intention of doing it the other day, but my department head was only around in the morning on Thursday, and I had meetings all morning, and then she was out of the office all day on Friday. Likewise, our HR person was out of the office during the only time that I wasn't in meetings. I am dreading telling them. The background examiner was very supportive, and completely understood my concerns about being pregnant, layoffs, not guarantee of a job, etc. He told me to tell them whatever I wanted to (ie, it's preliminary, no guarantee of job, I might not even take it, etc.), and that he would be happy to reiterate that during his meetings with them. But still. . .it's going to be painful. The HR person will be fine (she thinks our office is incredibly screwed up right now, and I know she'll be supportive). But, she doesn't count for much around my office, unfortunately. The head of my department won't care that I'm leaving (she never cares, except to the extent that it impacts her staffing), but will want to know exactly when I'm leaving, so she can make plans to fill my slot. She will likely pester the hell out of me until I actually leave. If I actually leave. Because, have I mentioned that this job is completely theoretical, at this point? I'm sure I've mentioned it at least once or twice! Argh.

I have had no time to deal with the doctor situation. In my heart, I know I'd be happier switching OB practices and delivering at the other hospital. In my head, I think I just can't deal right now. It's too much, with everything else I've got going on. Since I last posted about my dilemma, I've had two family members as patients at the hospital where I'm supposed to deliver, and let's just say I haven't been all that impressed with the care. I know I should switch. But I'm already at the point where I have to see the doctor every two weeks, the giant project at work is impending, and I'm exhausted. Switching seems like a Herculean task. I still might, but I can't deal with it yet.

And, it's getting harder and harder to get my own shoes on and off, because bending over has become a chore. For some reason, I never anticipated this problem.