Where Did The Time Go?

When I first planned my maternity leave, 12 weeks seemed like an eternity. Those first days home with a new baby, I couldn't imagine how I was going to get through all of that time, as it all seemed so scary to me. But Miss M. and I quickly settled into a routine, and I came to love every minute I've spent with her (even while she's screaming!). And it struck me yesterday that my maternity leave is now almost over! Technically, I can take five more weeks, but that would leave me with no sick or vacation time, and I don't get any more until next fall. If I am going to continue to work at my current job, I want/need to save a week of vacation time and a week of sick leave, just in case.

I have to say, for months now when I have thought about my future, I have been banking on that other job working out. My head has been completely organized around getting the job, from the logistics of my (brief) return to my current job and giving my notice, to daycare arrangements. I had created an entire imaginary world around what I had hoped would happen. And while the door isn't completely shut on that job, it's also far from open. I haven't blogged about the status of The Job I So Desperately want since I posted that I didn't think it was going to work out, because it's been a giant rollercoaster since then and it didn't make me feel better to talk about it. First, it seemed like it was definitely a no-go (that was when I posted about it). After that, much to my utter shock, I learned I had made it to the final round, and it seemed like it was going to all work out. Now, it is back to looking like a no-go. It's exhausting and frustrating to be on this rollercoaster, and I feel like I cannot move on while there is this scrap of hope to cling to that it might still come through (does that feeling sound familiar to anyone???)

The problem with being unable to move on is that I'm still living in that imaginary world I created. The one where I moved from my current job to this new one I want so badly, where T. and I moved to another city, where T. became Miss M's care provider during the day while I was at work. See the problem? I have not made any daycare arrangements for Miss M. The thought has always been that if the new job did not work out, T. would rearrange his schedule and he would be with T. during the day. The problem with that little plan is that his business is booming and he is in the thick of a project that very much requires his presence. When I mentioned it to him last night that I have only three weeks left, he seemed shocked. We didn't quite get around to discussing the actual issue of what we will do, but a big discussion is going to have to take place this weekend.

There is a daycare near our house that is supposed to be decent. They had a sign up that said they had newborn care available, but both that sign and the nameplate for the daycare are now missing. The signpost is broken in half and on the ground, though, so I can't tell if they closed, or if the sign simply broke. The problem is I don't know the name of the daycare so I can do more research. I am going to have to swing by, I think, and check it out.

Also, the last time I checked, T. was adamantly opposed to daycare for Miss M. Regardless of how he feels, however, we have a practical reality to contend with. We are very quickly reaching a point where we need a better plan than the imaginary world that I've constructed in my head and whatever he's constructed in his, so I am going to start to lay the foundation for a Plan B to T. being with her during the day. I am not really looking forward to it. I had really, really hoped this job would pan out, so that we could always be the ones caring for her. Oh, let's face it, I'm still really, really hoping for that, no matter how unlikely or unrealistic that possibility may be.