Every day, we have delightful moments with Miss M. I am loving every minute I spend with her. I would love, love, love for her to have a close sibling. I see her pure joy in engaging with other children, and I would love for her to have a sibling to share life with. I think it would be soooo amazing. In theory.
When I think about the practical reality, though, I pause. I am still exhausted at the idea of being pregnant again. I am exhausted by the idea of two toddlers running around, and I only have one. But seriously, it EXHAUSTS me to think of it.
(As an aside, can I tell you how much I enjoy the Kardashians? I have no idea why. They are the kind of television I normally detest. They are just so bad that they are good.)
Where was I? Oh yes, exhausted. Miss M still wakes up a fair amount at night, sometimes in huge sobbing fits where we can't wake her and it goes on and on, and I'm the only one who can comfort her. She's still in our bed, and I wake up a fair amount due to her tossing, turning and kicking. So, physically exhausted.
I feel like we are holding life together with safety pins and spackle right now. It all works, but just barely. We have a snippet of morning together, then I run off to work, then I run home, we have dinner, we play, we go to bed, rinse, lather, repeat. Weekends we lounge and play and do cool things as a family (that part totally rocks, by the way--especially in Europe--so many adventures!). There are bumps along the way, sure (that's what the spackle is for), but it works. I worry that adding another child into the routine will make it fall apart.
And there is a mental exhaustion that comes with pregnancy and early infanthood. I think this is the biggest thing. We'd adjust to the rest, and childhood is all too fleeting. But a huge thing for me is that I'm not there right now in that pregnancy and early infanthood phase, toughing out the sleeplessness and discomfort, and I guess I'm just not anxious to go back. I like where we are now. I'm really, really enjoying it. The idea of being enormously pregnant and trying to get myself around this city stresses me out. The idea of having a baby in a foreign country stresses me out. Labor stresses me out--and I had a really good one with Miss M! And then there's negotiating maternity leave and dealing with work and being without friends and family at a time when we'd need them most. . .eating carefully again. . .brestfeeding. . .pumping. . .and doing it all while also parenting a toddler.
It just feels overwhelming to me.
T keeps telling me that it will be fine, and we'll manage. He really wants another child (AT LEAST one more! He'd gladly have plural more.) And indeed, he's the one home with Miss M during the day, so he bears a lot of the burden.
I know it will all work out just fine. It will be a bit chaotic, but it will be fine. It just feels a bit like climbing a mountain right now. If I were able to, I'd probably happily give it another year, and then try. But I also feel like I can't do that, because the clock is ticking. I had thought back in August that we'd start trying again in April, but that's simply not happening. T thinks we should start trying in June. All of a sudden, that seems really soon. On the other hand, we are planning a romantic vacation for June (well, as romantic as can be expected with a toddler in tow), and it would be a lovely time to start trying. . .
Not that we even could starting trying right now, even if I could wrap my mind around it. I stopped nursing more than a month and a half ago (Two months ago? I've lost track.), but I still haven't had my period return. It's going to be kind of weird when it comes back. I haven't had it in literally two years. But I digress (again). . .
Well, I feel a bit better after watching Supernanny. Wow, that couple was a hot mess, and they had piles of children. If they can survive what I just watched, surely I can deal with just two? I guess I don't have to decide tonight. Soon, though. Sigh. Why wasn't I ready for kids sooner? Why couldn't I have had an easier time having #1? Why does time only march forward? Why do some choices have to feel so complicated?