Processing

We have been cleared to head home, and are headed back to South America this week.  I have mixed feelings about going back.  On the one hand, this incident could have happened anywhere in the world.  On the other hand, we have no answers as to what happened or how it happened.  I'm not sure that we ever will know the truth.  I am not looking forward to returning to a place where there is such ambiguity.

Oh sure, we have been given an "explanation."  We have been told by the people that supposedly should know what happened that this was just all an innocent accident.  Of course, they also say that no one saw what happened.  I put "explanation" in quotation marks because the "explanation" we were given does not line up with the facts as we know them.  I also don't understand how this "explanation" came to be, if no one actually saw what happened (and really, it's clear that someone did in fact see something--they might want to hide it, but someone does know exactly what happened).  The "explanation" we were given doesn't make sense, in light of the pieces that we know to be true.  I wish it did.  I wish this could all be explained away as an innocent accident.  I desperately want to believe that.  But that doesn't make any sense to me.

I learned a long time ago that the truth has its own cadence, its own rhythm and flow.  Even when the truth doesn't "make sense" when you step back and look at it (because people do crazy things for crazy reasons), you can tell that it is indeed the truth because all of the pieces fit together.  In this case, the pieces just don't fit together.  The "story" that we have been given not only doesn't make sense, it doesn't explain all of the evidence.

But.

We can only live our lives in one direction.  We can't force anyone to tell us the truth, and we may never get the truth.  The physical healing has taken place, and if we want the mental healing to take place, we have to find a way to let go of this thing that has happened, and move on.  Part of me needs that closure of knowing exactly what happened.  It's hard to move on and find ways to deal when you don't actually know what you are dealing with.  But we may never get that information.  And so, here we are, living with ambiguity, and trying to figure out where we go from here.