Trying to Face The New Year With Optimism and Hope

We had a lovely Christmas, and I hope you did, too.  My family really went all-out to make Christmas magical for our girls, and I so very much appreciate everything they did.  We spent the night at my mother-in-laws, and the girls woke Christmas morning to a tree full of presents.  My father and his wife had dropped off two boxes full of gifts, and I had ordered some art supplies from Amazon, and some friends had sent gifts, which was so very kind, and my brother flew in Christmas Eve and came with piles of presents for the girls, too, and spent Christmas Eve and Christmas morning with us.  It was a classic Christmas morning, thanks to the efforts of so many people.  We were just wrapped in kindness the entire holiday, and it was wonderful.

I had ordered matching Christmas jammies for all of us months ago, so we all woke wearing those, and we kept them on to travel to my aunt's house an hour away, where my mother and her husband were waiting for us.  They, too, had stockings and piles of presents for the girls, even though they had already mailed all of our gifts to our house.  We had a lovely day of present opening and hugs and love.  That evening, many of my aunts and uncles and cousins came to celebrate, bringing even more presents.  It was a bit over the top, actually.  But the girls got to experience their first Christmas at home with my family, in the over the top way that my family does celebrate Christmas and always has, and I am so thankful that they got to experience the magic of that along with the children of my cousins who are about their age.  They had a blast.

My mom and her husband were supposed to spend Christmas in South America with us, and had to cancel their plans because of everything, but they were able to meet us here and spend some time with us.  It's never enough, unfortunately, but they got a few good days with the girls.

I had surgery Christmas Eve day, and my mom and aunt took care of the girls while we were gone.  T and I went into Boston the night before, since I had to be there first thing in the morning.  The girls were having such a blast that they apparently didn't even notice we were gone, which I am so thankful for.  We just got the pathology back yesterday, which made for a long week of waiting and praying and worrying.  Thankfully, it wasn't cancer.  It's a mu.cino.us ne.opla.sm, which can itself be incredibly dangerous.  They think they removed the tumor intact and got all of it.  Hopefully, I will be okay and will have no further health problems from it.  I will need to do some follow-up in the future to keep an eye on things--ie, monitoring scans.

Honestly, I am still incredibly anxious.  I am so, so glad that it was not cancer.  But the actual diagnosis is still really scary, and I'm freaked out that it could come back and kill me.   I am terrified that I might not live long enough to raise my children.  And yet, I know that I must find a way to move on, because I certainly cannot live in a state of constant anxiety.   I am hopeful that I can find a way to lock it away in a little box and get on with our lives.  I think it will help to talk some more with my surgeon face-to-face, and I have a follow-up appointment next week.

I think part of it, honestly, is that it's just been a tough year for us, between the awful stuff that happened this fall, and this.  I'm weary and worn-down and feel like I can't trust the universe.  I need to find my spark again.  I know that I will; it's just going to take some time.  I think this time, I might also need to talk to someone.   I might need some professional support to work through this.

We are in the U.S. for another week or so, giving me some time to heal.  Physically, I feel pretty good.  My surgical incisions are healing well, and I'm not in much pain.  I only had to take Tylenol for two days after surgery, and after that was comfortable enough to go without it.  I'm hoping to find a way to exhale, relax, and enjoy what's in front of me.  I have a family that I dearly love, and I'm here.  After all, none of us are promised tomorrow.

Happy New Year to you and yours.  May it be a peaceful and healthy year for all of us.