Sunday, August 28, 2016


I--CAN'T--SLEEP!!!!!  And it's making me crazy.  It's been getting increasingly worse.  First, I was falling asleep fine, but then waking for long stretches in the middle of the night.  Now, I can't get to sleep at all.  I am trying to figure out what is bothering me, what problem, what stress, I am holding too near.  But I can't put my finger on it.  It's everything.  It's nothing in particular.  It's 1:23 am and I've been in bed for hours, and I've not yet gone to sleep.

I have my next big checkup soon, to see if the cancer has come back.  Part of me thinks it has not, and part of me thinks so.  And I can't bear to think about it, and mostly, about what it will mean for our dear girls, if it has.  I hope, I pray, that it will never come back.  But I live in the grey no man's land of uncertainty, with a history of a rare disease, and bereft of doctors who can or will say much about what might happen next.  (This is not for lack of trying.  I'm being seen at a world-renowned facility.  There just are not a lot of cases like mine.  And in that regard I am lucky, because they caught it early, which means there is reason to hope.).

I think this is why I've been so fixated on next career moves lately.  Because I yearn to plan forward, to be able to say that YES, I will be here tomorrow, and the months and years after that. . .which none of us REALLY has the ability to say with certainty, but we THINK we do, and I yearn for that illusion again, the one that you have when you are young and healthy and invincible, and you think the night will never come for you.  And maybe I'm totally fine, in which case I should be out there thinking about career things and living my life.  And maybe I'm not, in which case, I shouldn't worry about the future, and should just be sucking the marrow out of the moment.

Hmmm.....maybe I should be sucking the marrow out of the moment either way.  Food for thought.

Maybe I'll try to meditate for a bit now, amongst the husband snores and sleeping child elbows.  Perhaps putting the fear into words has released me from its stranglehold.


Jessica White said...

Sleepless nights are the worst, especially when they are on an endless repeat. Praying that you get some sleep, that the cancer is nowhere in sight, and you can regain your peace of mind about moving forward in the future!

Deathstar said...

It's no wonder you can't sleep. I have had many sleepless nights for other reasons. Sometimes just plain fear that I've made a mess out of my life. And no wonder how I wished I things could be different in that moment, I couldn't magically get the guarantees I needed. In either case, time moved forward. So equanimity gave me a measure of courage. I determined that no matter what, I would be okay. Whether I got what I wanted or did not. I could only determine to do my best with whatever circumstances. The shadow of cancer is a possibility but you and your passion for life are real and that you can count on as a certainty. I encourage you to stay strong and positive that you can lead a healthy, long lasting life with your family.