We promised the girls a couple of years ago that when we next moved to a developed, stable country, we would adopt a dog. At the time, we were living in a place where dog food was tough to come by, as was vet care, and healthy puppies. So, when we learned that we were moving to our current country, the girls were immediately fixated on getting the long-promised dog.
We adopted the puppy in September, at about 8 weeks old. Our last dog was a shelter dog, and I generally prefer to adopt from shelters. However, this is the first time we've adopted a dog since we had kids, and I wanted a dog that grew up in our house, vs. one that would have personality quirks that we had to learn about. I was particularly fixated on the girls getting bit by a dog that wasn't up to their antics. So, puppy it was.
From the earliest days, she has been a terrific addition to our house. She is exactly like my children: loud, exuberant, loving, and fun. She is black and white with curly fur, and will grow to be about 50 pounds, which is the perfect size for us. She has cost us a fortune in vet bills (dear lord, the ear infections and chocolate eating and apparent corn allergy!). And although she looooooves the girls (her favorite thing to do is come in from her morning romp outside, paws and face dusted with snow, and run upstairs and jump on them in bed to wake them up), she has definitively become my dog. We walk, we train, we play (although, she still prefers to roughhouse with the girls, if they are around). She has been a wonderful source of stress relief for me, and wonderful for my mental health--something I would not have predicted when we got her. It has been lovely to have her around.
I feel like we are living a somewhat normal suburban existance for a while. We have a dog. We have a lovely home. We live in a nice neighborhood. Our commute times are short (except for T, but more on that soon). Life is goodish. Now if we could just get T's work situation worked out so that he was living in the same city/country as the rest of us. . .
Saturday, January 19, 2019
Friday, January 18, 2019
The Little Things
It's been months since I've written anything here, so this will seem like an odd post, but I want to talk about. . .groceries. Well really, all of the little tasks that seemingly don't take that long, but collectively vacuum up loads of time. Like grocery shopping, meal planning, cooking, laundry, cleaning the house. I revel in doing some of these things when there is time (ie, cooking--never, ever laundry), but in recent months, there has not been much extra time.
Due to circumstances beyond our control, T is living in a different city a few hundred miles from here. It is far from ideal. We decided to move to the country we are currently living in because we thought it would be easy for him to work here. That, and the fact that it is relatively stable, were the primary factors in our decision making. We thought we would have a pleasant few years living here, and it seemed like a good time to get out of America (and holy god, that was an accurate assessment--but I'll save that subjectd for another time). Unfortunately, getting him the legal permissions he needs to work here turned out to be waaaay more complicated than we anticipated, possibly because they changed the rules after we started this process, but that, too is a story for another day. He likes his job in the city we were living in before we moved here, so we decided that he would keep it until everything got cleared up here, which we thought would happen within a few months. Unfortunately, "a few months" stretched to 6+. So, he is there and we are here, and he comes and visits every couple of weeks. It is not ideal, but we are making it work.
Which gets to my lack of time. Because I am on my own with the girls, I have tried to streamline basic tasks. I want to spend my time with them, not doing things around the house. They complain pretty regularly that I am too busy doing THINGS, vs. spending time with them, and it's true that I am having a hard time balancing it all--work, kid activities, mundane chores, SLEEP.
It got especially bad with meals. There was no incentive for me to make creative meals, because they kids simply turned their noses up, and it didn't feel worth the trouble to make elaborate meals for myself. But then it felt like we were eating nothing but pizza, pasta, and chicken, and something really had to give. I was feeling terrible, too. A friend told me about a meal box service she was using, and invited me over one night to try one of the meals. It was pretty good, but I still wasn't sold. I've tried all of the major meal boxes (ie, the ones that deliver groceries and recipes each week) in the U.S., and while some of the recipes were good, I'd found them a) expensive, and b) still time consuming.
BUT. While I was checking out the meal boxes offered in this country, I found one that offers the ingredients ALREADY CUT UP. All of the meals can be made in 20 minutes or less. So I thought I would give it a shot.
It has turned out to be a godsend. First of all, the meals are delicious, and there is huge variety. Second, the portions are generous. A two person meal easily serves the girls and I, AND there is enough left over for my lunch the next day. That alone is saving us a ton of money, because I had been unable to get my act together to make my lunch every day, and now it's done in one fell swoop. The girls are trying lots of new things, which is great. The meal kits are flexible enough that I can generally make the meals a bit blander and plainer for them, while still making my portions spicier and more complex. And here is the real kicker: my grocery bill is waaaay down. When I meal plan, I typically end up with more leftovers, and/or leftover ingredients (ie, you don't need a whole container of basil, but you spend the money on it, and then it goes bad before you can think of another way to use it or remember to freeze it). With this, I'm not paying for all of the ingredients I'm not using. And there are not too many packing materials with this particular service, either, like some of the ones I've used in the past.
So, dinner is fun again. And it's quick. And it's easy. And I'm eating better. And I'm saving money. I would have never thought all of that was possible. I thought that by spending the money, I was mabe making my life a little easier, but it turned out to have a whole host of benefits that I did not even realize, including actually saving me money.
Now if I can just find a hack for the laundry and the cleaning.
Due to circumstances beyond our control, T is living in a different city a few hundred miles from here. It is far from ideal. We decided to move to the country we are currently living in because we thought it would be easy for him to work here. That, and the fact that it is relatively stable, were the primary factors in our decision making. We thought we would have a pleasant few years living here, and it seemed like a good time to get out of America (and holy god, that was an accurate assessment--but I'll save that subjectd for another time). Unfortunately, getting him the legal permissions he needs to work here turned out to be waaaay more complicated than we anticipated, possibly because they changed the rules after we started this process, but that, too is a story for another day. He likes his job in the city we were living in before we moved here, so we decided that he would keep it until everything got cleared up here, which we thought would happen within a few months. Unfortunately, "a few months" stretched to 6+. So, he is there and we are here, and he comes and visits every couple of weeks. It is not ideal, but we are making it work.
Which gets to my lack of time. Because I am on my own with the girls, I have tried to streamline basic tasks. I want to spend my time with them, not doing things around the house. They complain pretty regularly that I am too busy doing THINGS, vs. spending time with them, and it's true that I am having a hard time balancing it all--work, kid activities, mundane chores, SLEEP.
It got especially bad with meals. There was no incentive for me to make creative meals, because they kids simply turned their noses up, and it didn't feel worth the trouble to make elaborate meals for myself. But then it felt like we were eating nothing but pizza, pasta, and chicken, and something really had to give. I was feeling terrible, too. A friend told me about a meal box service she was using, and invited me over one night to try one of the meals. It was pretty good, but I still wasn't sold. I've tried all of the major meal boxes (ie, the ones that deliver groceries and recipes each week) in the U.S., and while some of the recipes were good, I'd found them a) expensive, and b) still time consuming.
BUT. While I was checking out the meal boxes offered in this country, I found one that offers the ingredients ALREADY CUT UP. All of the meals can be made in 20 minutes or less. So I thought I would give it a shot.
It has turned out to be a godsend. First of all, the meals are delicious, and there is huge variety. Second, the portions are generous. A two person meal easily serves the girls and I, AND there is enough left over for my lunch the next day. That alone is saving us a ton of money, because I had been unable to get my act together to make my lunch every day, and now it's done in one fell swoop. The girls are trying lots of new things, which is great. The meal kits are flexible enough that I can generally make the meals a bit blander and plainer for them, while still making my portions spicier and more complex. And here is the real kicker: my grocery bill is waaaay down. When I meal plan, I typically end up with more leftovers, and/or leftover ingredients (ie, you don't need a whole container of basil, but you spend the money on it, and then it goes bad before you can think of another way to use it or remember to freeze it). With this, I'm not paying for all of the ingredients I'm not using. And there are not too many packing materials with this particular service, either, like some of the ones I've used in the past.
So, dinner is fun again. And it's quick. And it's easy. And I'm eating better. And I'm saving money. I would have never thought all of that was possible. I thought that by spending the money, I was mabe making my life a little easier, but it turned out to have a whole host of benefits that I did not even realize, including actually saving me money.
Now if I can just find a hack for the laundry and the cleaning.
Tuesday, August 21, 2018
I'm in the process of reading Seth Godin's book What to do When It's Your Turn (And It's Always Your Turn). It's not a book that you sit down and read all at once. The book is written as a series of short pieces, all of which fit together and move toward the central theme. But each piece is meaty and thought-provoking, and must be contemplated and savored before moving on to the next.
The central premise of the book is essentially that NOW is the time to step up to the plate and do that thing that is inside of us that might not work, but which we think is worth doing. The book includes a piece entitled "When is the right time?," which I thought was beautifully written. He writes of a talk he gave to a small group of youg, privileged interns at an investment bank. He was advising them about "their freedom, about how they could choose to do their very best work, to become more than a cog in a (profitable) machine," when one of the women raised her hand and made the point that with their student loans, it made sense to hold off, to wait to take risks and find their own paths in life when they are at a point when they are better established.
He writes that it is never the "right time," and says
We have a thousand perfect reasons to give up our freedom in exchange for the illusion of safety. All of them are based on a misunderstanding of fear vs. freedom. This is the chance of a lifetime, our lifetime. Not someone else, us. Not later. Now.
Exactly.
P.S. I have probably mentioned before, but I read Seth almost daily, and generally find his short pieces to be deeply profound. I highly recommend his blog, and the book, as well as his podcast, although truth be told, I don't like the podcast as much as the blog or the book.
The central premise of the book is essentially that NOW is the time to step up to the plate and do that thing that is inside of us that might not work, but which we think is worth doing. The book includes a piece entitled "When is the right time?," which I thought was beautifully written. He writes of a talk he gave to a small group of youg, privileged interns at an investment bank. He was advising them about "their freedom, about how they could choose to do their very best work, to become more than a cog in a (profitable) machine," when one of the women raised her hand and made the point that with their student loans, it made sense to hold off, to wait to take risks and find their own paths in life when they are at a point when they are better established.
He writes that it is never the "right time," and says
We have a thousand perfect reasons to give up our freedom in exchange for the illusion of safety. All of them are based on a misunderstanding of fear vs. freedom. This is the chance of a lifetime, our lifetime. Not someone else, us. Not later. Now.
Exactly.
P.S. I have probably mentioned before, but I read Seth almost daily, and generally find his short pieces to be deeply profound. I highly recommend his blog, and the book, as well as his podcast, although truth be told, I don't like the podcast as much as the blog or the book.
Monday, August 20, 2018
My Year of Living Productively
I just had another birthday recently, and I've moved into the latter half of my 40's. On the one hand, I feel okay about where I am in life--two great kids, a relationship that has stood the test of time, and a career I enjoy. I have an advanced degree, and had a first career that I also really enjoyed. I learned a language after I turned 40 (Spanish), achieved a respectable level of proficiency, and have worked in it professionally for about five years. I am currently learning another language (French).
But still, things aren't exactly where I want them to be. There are some other things that I want to do, that nip at the edge of my subconscious like annoying little dogs. For many years, I have pushed them back, waiting for the "right" time--when I was a bit more settled, my kids a bit older, when I had more time. Of course, that time has never come. And here I am, entering my late 40's. If not now, when?
So I am going to dedicate this year to living productively. . .to simply showing up, and putting the time in where I can. Regularly. Steadily. It will be a year of living like a tortoise (slowly, methodically) and seeing what happens. I don't have a million hours to devote to my projects. This will be a year of just chipping away, bit by bit, where I can do so.
Sunday, August 19, 2018
Why Hello There
It has been a very long time since I have written. I have thought about this space, and what to do with it. I like that it exists here, detailing the trials and tribulations (let's face it--mostly trials, because I never write about the good times, really--this blog is fueld by too much coffee and lots of anxiety!). We spent essentially the last year living in what I call the "in between"--we moved back to the U.S., but we knew that we were in a place that we would live only temporarily, and we knew that we would move again at the end of the school year. When you are living like that, in a place that is not your own, with the ending just over the horizon, it is hard to feel settled. It is, in fact, quite unsettling in some respects. On a positive note, we were living in a city we know well, and got to do all of our favorite things again, as well as fall in love with some new ones. We also had friends there, which made it emminently more bearable.
One might think that I would have written more in this year of much transition, but honestly, I think it is just that I was busy surviving, and unlike many other points in my life, it didn't feel like writing about it was going to help. It was not a bad year. I did interesting work. I started learning French, and have an okay level of fluency--it's still a work in progress. T went back to his old job, and has been fairly satisified professionally. The girls had a decent year--particularly SB, who settled into a new school nicely (her fifth, and she is six years old!), and made many wonderful friends. Miss M had a bit of a more difficult year, shockingly enough with a mean girl in her class who bullied her a bit--a dynamic that other parents tell me has been going on with this child for several school years, and of which the school is well aware. She was anxious to move on again, actually, which was a first. But still, she was relatively happy, on balance, and we started to learn some important life lessons, whether we wanted to or not.
And so, after school ended in June, we packed up yet again, and moved internationally for the third time in 18 months. It sounds horrible, but while there have been some bumps along the way, it was actually wonderful to move past the "in between" space of the last year and get settled again. We are in a safe place--well, as safe as the modern world can be. Our new house is fabulous. It is sun-drenched and in a wonderful neighborhood, and we have a small yard. We are getting a dog in a couple of weeks--the girls' first pet. The girls had a wonderful summer, and made a bunch of friends. They are happy, and that is the most important thing. They have also been able to spend a fair amount of time with family this summer, which is particularly important to Miss M, who deeply values her roots.
I still have way too many unopened boxes in this house, and I am weary of unpacking. Our things showed up in drip and drabs, so it feels like I have spent the last six weeks doing nothing but washing move-dusty things and finding new homes for them. But it is coming together, and it looks pretty good. And now, I am off to organize the playroom, as all of the toys have arrived, and are in a high state of disarray. I still have not found the lamps, so organization of the room must be done during daylight hours. Or maybe I just need to break down and buy new lamps!
One might think that I would have written more in this year of much transition, but honestly, I think it is just that I was busy surviving, and unlike many other points in my life, it didn't feel like writing about it was going to help. It was not a bad year. I did interesting work. I started learning French, and have an okay level of fluency--it's still a work in progress. T went back to his old job, and has been fairly satisified professionally. The girls had a decent year--particularly SB, who settled into a new school nicely (her fifth, and she is six years old!), and made many wonderful friends. Miss M had a bit of a more difficult year, shockingly enough with a mean girl in her class who bullied her a bit--a dynamic that other parents tell me has been going on with this child for several school years, and of which the school is well aware. She was anxious to move on again, actually, which was a first. But still, she was relatively happy, on balance, and we started to learn some important life lessons, whether we wanted to or not.
And so, after school ended in June, we packed up yet again, and moved internationally for the third time in 18 months. It sounds horrible, but while there have been some bumps along the way, it was actually wonderful to move past the "in between" space of the last year and get settled again. We are in a safe place--well, as safe as the modern world can be. Our new house is fabulous. It is sun-drenched and in a wonderful neighborhood, and we have a small yard. We are getting a dog in a couple of weeks--the girls' first pet. The girls had a wonderful summer, and made a bunch of friends. They are happy, and that is the most important thing. They have also been able to spend a fair amount of time with family this summer, which is particularly important to Miss M, who deeply values her roots.
I still have way too many unopened boxes in this house, and I am weary of unpacking. Our things showed up in drip and drabs, so it feels like I have spent the last six weeks doing nothing but washing move-dusty things and finding new homes for them. But it is coming together, and it looks pretty good. And now, I am off to organize the playroom, as all of the toys have arrived, and are in a high state of disarray. I still have not found the lamps, so organization of the room must be done during daylight hours. Or maybe I just need to break down and buy new lamps!
Saturday, December 16, 2017
Christmas Angst
There are soooooo many stories. . .where shall I begin?
Let's start with Christmas, because it's nine shopping days away, and 'tis the season for family drama.
It is still my strong preference to spend Christmas in our own home, with our own traditions, but somehow things got away from me this year. We are awash in our own Christmas traditions all season long no matter where we are--an advent calendar full of crafts, trinkets, and activities; a Christmas radio that broadcasts daily from the North Pole; the tree up in November, and Christmas music permeating the house for months. But. . .but, the girls and T prefer to spend actual Christmas day with family in New England, vs. wherever in the world we happen to be living, and so I am rolling with it, even though it is utter chaos to get us to and fro with a holiday's worth of gifts, to say nothing of the actual day, which always involves lots of running around to different houses.
But let me back up about the decision about where to spend the holiday this year, or the lack thereof. It is a much longer story, but we returned to the U.S. this fall very unexpectedly--like, with a couple of days notice. Since our move was very unexpected, it was also quite chaotic, and we've spent all fall just getting the girls settled and trying to recreate some semblance of normal life for all of us. As a result, we never really made a conscious Christmas plan, and I'm not sure T and I ever even discussed it. It is just not where my focus was, for sure. Almost all of our family is in New England, so there generally is not much debate about where to go if we are not spending Christmas at home, and since we are living in a temporary home until we can get better sorted out, no one really wants to spend Christmas here. Somehow, it just came to pass that we WERE going to New England for Christmas, and that we'd stay with my husband's mother, who has plenty of room and a lovely home. She is really our only comfortable option for an extended stay--there are lots of places where we are welcome, but not everyone has enough beds and/or can tolerate the chaos of a young, slightly unruly family.
Anyway, the notable exception to "all of our family lives in New England," is my mother, who lives closer to where we are living now. But apart from us, HER entire family is also in New England. I didn't actually talk to my mother about our holiday plans, because a) I assumed she would go to New England as she generally does, and b) we never really made a conscious holiday plan, and I'm only now starting to focus on it, given that it is now imminently upon us.
You know where this is going, right?
My mother texted me a few nights ago, saying she wanted to talk about the holidays, because she wants to see us. Now, I had heard recently that she did not plan to come to New England, and that she was going to spend Christmas alone with her husband. I think that's depressing, but it's her choice. I didn't have a chance to call her, and this morning she texted to say she wasn't coming, and she wanted to come up with a plan to see us. What she really means is that she wants me to figure out a way to come to her house to celebrate with her. . .before Christmas. I probably would have cheerfully done so despite my reservations about making it work with our travel schedule, but she informed me via text that she was unable to join us for Christmas, because she has no one to feed her cats.
I bristled.
Her CATS?
I would have taken anything plausible as an excuse for not spending Christmas with the rest of our family, but her CATS? I very helpfully texted a link to an automatic catfeeder you can control with your phone. (Let's pause for a moment to marvel at modern technology. You can feed your cat from another state, using your phone!) Also, her cats are very fat. She could leave them for food and water in big bowls for two days, and they would be JUST FINE.
(It is probably not the cats. But you can't choose cats over her only grandchildren and think that I am not going to take offense. At least don't say it out loud.)
She demurred on buying the catfeeder, and accused me of not considering her when I made my plans. It was a total drama queen moment, complete with a "no one will even miss me" line. Then she implored me to rearrange our travel plans so that she can see the children before Christmas. . .by traveling to her house. BEFORE Christmas.
I have three days off before Christmas, and it will take us a full day to get from here to New England. While we COULD make a side trip, it will add another day to day and a half to our travels, and it will mean that we have to stop overnight somewhere along the way (we can't stay with my mother, because she has other guests for the time period we would be there--her husband's daughter).
On the one hand, I feel bad for my mother. She is a very lonely person, married to a difficult man who doesn't allow her to do much. He is probably the reason she is not traveling to New England. On the other hand, she is a grown woman with choices, and she always casts herself as the victim. I am ALWAYS the one who has to accommodate her "difficult situation." She makes me feel sorry for her so that I do what she wants the vast majority of the time. I should also note that my mother is not elderly--she is in her mid-60's and in good health. She just retired last year, and she has no trouble getting around.
If it had been a normal year, I would just cave, as always--spending money and time and tying myself in knots to make it work. But this year, I am really tired. The move back to the U.S. was very unexpected and due to a potentially dangerous situation, so it was stressful. We have managed to iron out a lot of wrinkles since then, and everyone is healthy and thriving. I was looking forward to peaceful, happy holidays. But my tank is low, and I know it. I am not feeling as resilient as normal. I am exhausted. And this feels like a Dr. Phil episode.
My husband wants to invite her to come to visit us the week after New Year's, which happens to be Miss M's birthday. He thinks we celebrate both at once. When I step back, this strikes me as a very logical solution. But I know that is not what my mother wants. She wants to shower gifts on the girls BEFORE the holiday, when it is still exciting and new. She wants to have celebrated FIRST (before my mother in law. Sigh.).
I haven't responded to my mother's last text, in which asked me to rearrange our travel plans and come to her house before Christmas. I need some time to stop being frustrated, so that I don't snap at her and make things worse.
Let's start with Christmas, because it's nine shopping days away, and 'tis the season for family drama.
It is still my strong preference to spend Christmas in our own home, with our own traditions, but somehow things got away from me this year. We are awash in our own Christmas traditions all season long no matter where we are--an advent calendar full of crafts, trinkets, and activities; a Christmas radio that broadcasts daily from the North Pole; the tree up in November, and Christmas music permeating the house for months. But. . .but, the girls and T prefer to spend actual Christmas day with family in New England, vs. wherever in the world we happen to be living, and so I am rolling with it, even though it is utter chaos to get us to and fro with a holiday's worth of gifts, to say nothing of the actual day, which always involves lots of running around to different houses.
But let me back up about the decision about where to spend the holiday this year, or the lack thereof. It is a much longer story, but we returned to the U.S. this fall very unexpectedly--like, with a couple of days notice. Since our move was very unexpected, it was also quite chaotic, and we've spent all fall just getting the girls settled and trying to recreate some semblance of normal life for all of us. As a result, we never really made a conscious Christmas plan, and I'm not sure T and I ever even discussed it. It is just not where my focus was, for sure. Almost all of our family is in New England, so there generally is not much debate about where to go if we are not spending Christmas at home, and since we are living in a temporary home until we can get better sorted out, no one really wants to spend Christmas here. Somehow, it just came to pass that we WERE going to New England for Christmas, and that we'd stay with my husband's mother, who has plenty of room and a lovely home. She is really our only comfortable option for an extended stay--there are lots of places where we are welcome, but not everyone has enough beds and/or can tolerate the chaos of a young, slightly unruly family.
Anyway, the notable exception to "all of our family lives in New England," is my mother, who lives closer to where we are living now. But apart from us, HER entire family is also in New England. I didn't actually talk to my mother about our holiday plans, because a) I assumed she would go to New England as she generally does, and b) we never really made a conscious holiday plan, and I'm only now starting to focus on it, given that it is now imminently upon us.
You know where this is going, right?
My mother texted me a few nights ago, saying she wanted to talk about the holidays, because she wants to see us. Now, I had heard recently that she did not plan to come to New England, and that she was going to spend Christmas alone with her husband. I think that's depressing, but it's her choice. I didn't have a chance to call her, and this morning she texted to say she wasn't coming, and she wanted to come up with a plan to see us. What she really means is that she wants me to figure out a way to come to her house to celebrate with her. . .before Christmas. I probably would have cheerfully done so despite my reservations about making it work with our travel schedule, but she informed me via text that she was unable to join us for Christmas, because she has no one to feed her cats.
I bristled.
Her CATS?
I would have taken anything plausible as an excuse for not spending Christmas with the rest of our family, but her CATS? I very helpfully texted a link to an automatic catfeeder you can control with your phone. (Let's pause for a moment to marvel at modern technology. You can feed your cat from another state, using your phone!) Also, her cats are very fat. She could leave them for food and water in big bowls for two days, and they would be JUST FINE.
(It is probably not the cats. But you can't choose cats over her only grandchildren and think that I am not going to take offense. At least don't say it out loud.)
She demurred on buying the catfeeder, and accused me of not considering her when I made my plans. It was a total drama queen moment, complete with a "no one will even miss me" line. Then she implored me to rearrange our travel plans so that she can see the children before Christmas. . .by traveling to her house. BEFORE Christmas.
I have three days off before Christmas, and it will take us a full day to get from here to New England. While we COULD make a side trip, it will add another day to day and a half to our travels, and it will mean that we have to stop overnight somewhere along the way (we can't stay with my mother, because she has other guests for the time period we would be there--her husband's daughter).
On the one hand, I feel bad for my mother. She is a very lonely person, married to a difficult man who doesn't allow her to do much. He is probably the reason she is not traveling to New England. On the other hand, she is a grown woman with choices, and she always casts herself as the victim. I am ALWAYS the one who has to accommodate her "difficult situation." She makes me feel sorry for her so that I do what she wants the vast majority of the time. I should also note that my mother is not elderly--she is in her mid-60's and in good health. She just retired last year, and she has no trouble getting around.
If it had been a normal year, I would just cave, as always--spending money and time and tying myself in knots to make it work. But this year, I am really tired. The move back to the U.S. was very unexpected and due to a potentially dangerous situation, so it was stressful. We have managed to iron out a lot of wrinkles since then, and everyone is healthy and thriving. I was looking forward to peaceful, happy holidays. But my tank is low, and I know it. I am not feeling as resilient as normal. I am exhausted. And this feels like a Dr. Phil episode.
My husband wants to invite her to come to visit us the week after New Year's, which happens to be Miss M's birthday. He thinks we celebrate both at once. When I step back, this strikes me as a very logical solution. But I know that is not what my mother wants. She wants to shower gifts on the girls BEFORE the holiday, when it is still exciting and new. She wants to have celebrated FIRST (before my mother in law. Sigh.).
I haven't responded to my mother's last text, in which asked me to rearrange our travel plans and come to her house before Christmas. I need some time to stop being frustrated, so that I don't snap at her and make things worse.
Wednesday, March 15, 2017
Long Time, No Post!
Why hello there! It's good to be writing again.
I have been on a bit of an unintentional hiatus. The fall was really busy with getting the girls settled in their brand new and utterly fantastic private schools, and then in January, we moved back overseas.
I know. We are nuts.
The thing is, things were going smashingly well for the girls in the U.S., but lousy for us as a family. The grownups were working crazy hours, and we were always rushing around, and it was no fun at all. And then I got a pretty great job offer in a cool tropical place with terrible Internet service. And we were off.
It's been really nice. We have a lot more time together as a family, and our quality of life has gone way up. I had a lot of angst over moving the girls again, but they've had an easy transition and are happy. Their new school is decent. They have friends and activities, and we have a big yard. And we can go to the beach on the weekends.
All in all, things are really good. Not perfect, because life isn't, but we are happy and well. What's new with you?
I have been on a bit of an unintentional hiatus. The fall was really busy with getting the girls settled in their brand new and utterly fantastic private schools, and then in January, we moved back overseas.
I know. We are nuts.
The thing is, things were going smashingly well for the girls in the U.S., but lousy for us as a family. The grownups were working crazy hours, and we were always rushing around, and it was no fun at all. And then I got a pretty great job offer in a cool tropical place with terrible Internet service. And we were off.
It's been really nice. We have a lot more time together as a family, and our quality of life has gone way up. I had a lot of angst over moving the girls again, but they've had an easy transition and are happy. Their new school is decent. They have friends and activities, and we have a big yard. And we can go to the beach on the weekends.
All in all, things are really good. Not perfect, because life isn't, but we are happy and well. What's new with you?
Saturday, September 10, 2016
The Appointment
I have really struggled since my diagnosis in 2013. The idea of dying and leaving my daughters behind just absolutely gutted me. Before my surgery, the doctors were hopeful that it was contained to my appendix, in which case, the long term prognosis was very good. If any of the cells get into the abdomen, though, it would be a very different story. After my surgery, the pathology was unfortunately murky, and they were not able to tell me much about prognosis. It's been very wait-and-see, with regular monitoring appointments. In dealing with this uncertainty, I've had moments where I'm completely fine, and moments when I can't deal at all. But when I think about the girls. . .that's the piece of it I just can't even contemplate. I can't leave them. I just can't. They need me, and I need to be here for them.
So every time I have to go for a monitoring appointment, it is extremely stressful for me. Will this be the moment when everything changes? The weeks and days leading up to the appointment, the drive to a nearby city to see a specialist, that space in between the CT scan and the doctor delivering the news. . .it's just all really tough.
I am coming up on three years now. It will be three years at Christmastime. But I got sick of doing my appointments close to the holidays, because I felt like it cast a dark shadow over a time of year I love. So I bumped the appointments, so they are no longer around the holidays. It hasn't gotten any easier, these appointments, but at least they do not overshadow the most festive time of year.
Which is a long way of saying that I just had my monitoring appointment, and it went well. There is no sign of a recurrence. Or in my doctor's words, my "scans look good" Every time she says it, I think she's saying my skin looks good. So weird that I misheard her in that way. But anyway, she also said this time that most recurrences are found in the first two years after this type of neoplasm. They'll continue to monitor me for five years, and I won't be totally considered out of the woods until 10 years out. It's the first time that I've really been able to exhale. Maybe, just maybe, I can stop worrying about the "what ifs" and start living totally in the now.
So every time I have to go for a monitoring appointment, it is extremely stressful for me. Will this be the moment when everything changes? The weeks and days leading up to the appointment, the drive to a nearby city to see a specialist, that space in between the CT scan and the doctor delivering the news. . .it's just all really tough.
I am coming up on three years now. It will be three years at Christmastime. But I got sick of doing my appointments close to the holidays, because I felt like it cast a dark shadow over a time of year I love. So I bumped the appointments, so they are no longer around the holidays. It hasn't gotten any easier, these appointments, but at least they do not overshadow the most festive time of year.
Which is a long way of saying that I just had my monitoring appointment, and it went well. There is no sign of a recurrence. Or in my doctor's words, my "scans look good" Every time she says it, I think she's saying my skin looks good. So weird that I misheard her in that way. But anyway, she also said this time that most recurrences are found in the first two years after this type of neoplasm. They'll continue to monitor me for five years, and I won't be totally considered out of the woods until 10 years out. It's the first time that I've really been able to exhale. Maybe, just maybe, I can stop worrying about the "what ifs" and start living totally in the now.
Saturday, September 3, 2016
First Days of School and an ER Visit
I have mostly been doing okay with my impending medical appointment. It really helped to write about it. But honestly, that is not the only thing I've been having anxiety about. The constant rushing around, the high cost of everything in America, the lack of family time, work stuff, the ordinary day-to-day stress of regular life. . .it has all felt oppressive lately. I'm trying to step back a little bit and savor the moments, but it is tough.
Miss M had her first day of school this past week. The school is an amazing fit. She is a part of it, just like that. It is everything that her school last year was not. It's a bilingual school again, and she is cranky about having to do 50% of her time in Spanish, but I'm sure it's an effort after largely not having to speak it all summer. She'll quickly settle in, I know, as her Spanish is good. She has friends, and she comes home happy every day. It's been perfectly seamless.
Before she went back to school, I had another week of vacation with the girls, which was lovely. Unfortunately, SB fell at the playground and dislocated her elbow, which was high drama. We had gone out to do a quick errand via public transportation, and then we got ice cream, and we were walking around and spotted a playground. The girls begged to stop and play, and of course I let them. I was sitting there in the sun, watching them play and truly just enjoying the moment. As I watched Miss M, I heard a terrible noise come from SB, who had fallen while I wasn't paying attention to her.
I knew as soon as I heard the noise that it was bad. She had tried to jump off a fairly low platform on the playground in order to reach the monkey bars, which had rings that dangled down. She'd missed, and had landed with her arm underneath her and twisted backwards. I ran over, and when I sort of lifted her torso off her arm, I could see that the bone was pushed out of place. Where there should have been smooth lower arm skin, there was an extra fold. I still cringe thinking about it.
I scooped her up and ran to the road nearby, which is a major thoroughfare. I thought I'd be able to grab a cab, but after a few minutes, there were none in sight, so I ran over to a nearby hotel. They kindly had their town car driver take us to the hospital, for which I will be eternally grateful. Anyway, it all worked out fine. The hospital had an amazing pediatric emergency room (which I didn't know existed--good to know!), and they were incredibly kind. X-rays showed the arm wasn't broken. They put it in a partial cast to immobilize it until we could see the ortho, and gave SB some morphine to make her comfortable. It was all fine in the end. Parenting! It's not for the faint of heart.
When we followed up with the ortho a few days later, he concurred that the arm was not broken, and removed the cast. Her arm was swollen to more than twice its normal size, and pretty bruised. It's still pretty bruised, actually, but getting better. Over the last week, the swelling has really come down, and it's bothering her less and less. The ortho did want her in the sling until after Labor Day, but. . .SB had other ideas. She has a crazy high pain threshold, so she just kept saying it didn't hurt. Ah, my little wild woman. Anyway, she's doing great, and I'm relieved it's not broken.
Miss M had her first day of school this past week. The school is an amazing fit. She is a part of it, just like that. It is everything that her school last year was not. It's a bilingual school again, and she is cranky about having to do 50% of her time in Spanish, but I'm sure it's an effort after largely not having to speak it all summer. She'll quickly settle in, I know, as her Spanish is good. She has friends, and she comes home happy every day. It's been perfectly seamless.
Before she went back to school, I had another week of vacation with the girls, which was lovely. Unfortunately, SB fell at the playground and dislocated her elbow, which was high drama. We had gone out to do a quick errand via public transportation, and then we got ice cream, and we were walking around and spotted a playground. The girls begged to stop and play, and of course I let them. I was sitting there in the sun, watching them play and truly just enjoying the moment. As I watched Miss M, I heard a terrible noise come from SB, who had fallen while I wasn't paying attention to her.
I knew as soon as I heard the noise that it was bad. She had tried to jump off a fairly low platform on the playground in order to reach the monkey bars, which had rings that dangled down. She'd missed, and had landed with her arm underneath her and twisted backwards. I ran over, and when I sort of lifted her torso off her arm, I could see that the bone was pushed out of place. Where there should have been smooth lower arm skin, there was an extra fold. I still cringe thinking about it.
I scooped her up and ran to the road nearby, which is a major thoroughfare. I thought I'd be able to grab a cab, but after a few minutes, there were none in sight, so I ran over to a nearby hotel. They kindly had their town car driver take us to the hospital, for which I will be eternally grateful. Anyway, it all worked out fine. The hospital had an amazing pediatric emergency room (which I didn't know existed--good to know!), and they were incredibly kind. X-rays showed the arm wasn't broken. They put it in a partial cast to immobilize it until we could see the ortho, and gave SB some morphine to make her comfortable. It was all fine in the end. Parenting! It's not for the faint of heart.
When we followed up with the ortho a few days later, he concurred that the arm was not broken, and removed the cast. Her arm was swollen to more than twice its normal size, and pretty bruised. It's still pretty bruised, actually, but getting better. Over the last week, the swelling has really come down, and it's bothering her less and less. The ortho did want her in the sling until after Labor Day, but. . .SB had other ideas. She has a crazy high pain threshold, so she just kept saying it didn't hurt. Ah, my little wild woman. Anyway, she's doing great, and I'm relieved it's not broken.
Sunday, August 28, 2016
IN-SOM-NI-A!!
I--CAN'T--SLEEP!!!!! And it's making me crazy. It's been getting increasingly worse. First, I was falling asleep fine, but then waking for long stretches in the middle of the night. Now, I can't get to sleep at all. I am trying to figure out what is bothering me, what problem, what stress, I am holding too near. But I can't put my finger on it. It's everything. It's nothing in particular. It's 1:23 am and I've been in bed for hours, and I've not yet gone to sleep.
I have my next big checkup soon, to see if the cancer has come back. Part of me thinks it has not, and part of me thinks so. And I can't bear to think about it, and mostly, about what it will mean for our dear girls, if it has. I hope, I pray, that it will never come back. But I live in the grey no man's land of uncertainty, with a history of a rare disease, and bereft of doctors who can or will say much about what might happen next. (This is not for lack of trying. I'm being seen at a world-renowned facility. There just are not a lot of cases like mine. And in that regard I am lucky, because they caught it early, which means there is reason to hope.).
I think this is why I've been so fixated on next career moves lately. Because I yearn to plan forward, to be able to say that YES, I will be here tomorrow, and the months and years after that. . .which none of us REALLY has the ability to say with certainty, but we THINK we do, and I yearn for that illusion again, the one that you have when you are young and healthy and invincible, and you think the night will never come for you. And maybe I'm totally fine, in which case I should be out there thinking about career things and living my life. And maybe I'm not, in which case, I shouldn't worry about the future, and should just be sucking the marrow out of the moment.
Hmmm.....maybe I should be sucking the marrow out of the moment either way. Food for thought.
Maybe I'll try to meditate for a bit now, amongst the husband snores and sleeping child elbows. Perhaps putting the fear into words has released me from its stranglehold.
I have my next big checkup soon, to see if the cancer has come back. Part of me thinks it has not, and part of me thinks so. And I can't bear to think about it, and mostly, about what it will mean for our dear girls, if it has. I hope, I pray, that it will never come back. But I live in the grey no man's land of uncertainty, with a history of a rare disease, and bereft of doctors who can or will say much about what might happen next. (This is not for lack of trying. I'm being seen at a world-renowned facility. There just are not a lot of cases like mine. And in that regard I am lucky, because they caught it early, which means there is reason to hope.).
I think this is why I've been so fixated on next career moves lately. Because I yearn to plan forward, to be able to say that YES, I will be here tomorrow, and the months and years after that. . .which none of us REALLY has the ability to say with certainty, but we THINK we do, and I yearn for that illusion again, the one that you have when you are young and healthy and invincible, and you think the night will never come for you. And maybe I'm totally fine, in which case I should be out there thinking about career things and living my life. And maybe I'm not, in which case, I shouldn't worry about the future, and should just be sucking the marrow out of the moment.
Hmmm.....maybe I should be sucking the marrow out of the moment either way. Food for thought.
Maybe I'll try to meditate for a bit now, amongst the husband snores and sleeping child elbows. Perhaps putting the fear into words has released me from its stranglehold.
Monday, August 22, 2016
Work, Work, Play
Things have been crazy again around here. The girls stayed up in New England with T for a couple of weeks, while I had to come back here and work, work, work. It was a long couple of weeks without them. I thought I would try to accomplish a few projects around the house while they were gone, but it just didn't happen. Instead, I worked. This past week, I was in the office one night until nine and another until midnight. Meanwhile, I was still being pressed to go on the business trip for two weeks (I'm not going!). Sheer madness.
So as work craziness continues, I've been thinking about how best to manage career vs. family, professional life vs. personal. There is the one job that I've had my eye on for a really long time, which MIGHT happen. . .but I'm still not convinced it's going to happen. It's potentially worth holding out for, though, as the quality of life would likely be very good. There is another job that I've had my eye on that is right up my alley, but I think the hours would not be much of an improvement, and possibly would be worse. Then, surprisingly, I got an email out of the blue about a third job I hadn't even contemplated--it's potentially interesting, and I'm still exploring it.
I've been procrastinating on actually submitting my materials on the second job, and after tinkering with my resume for hours tonight, I finally just decided not to apply. My lack of enthusiasm in drafting my resume should tell me something. It would be a fascinating job, and I would be really good at it. . .but it's just not what I need right now. There are upsides to it (i.e., less moving around for my family--in my current field, moves are a necessary evil). But, I. . .just can't. I want to want it, because I know I would love it. But my personal life needs something really different right now.
As for the third job. . .I'm still thinking. There are upsides and there are downsides.
But for now, I'm on vacation with the girls--one final week of play before Miss M heads off to first grade, and SB to preschool. It is so lovely to have them back home, and I'm thrilled to be able to spend time with them after the last few lonely, hectic weeks.
So as work craziness continues, I've been thinking about how best to manage career vs. family, professional life vs. personal. There is the one job that I've had my eye on for a really long time, which MIGHT happen. . .but I'm still not convinced it's going to happen. It's potentially worth holding out for, though, as the quality of life would likely be very good. There is another job that I've had my eye on that is right up my alley, but I think the hours would not be much of an improvement, and possibly would be worse. Then, surprisingly, I got an email out of the blue about a third job I hadn't even contemplated--it's potentially interesting, and I'm still exploring it.
I've been procrastinating on actually submitting my materials on the second job, and after tinkering with my resume for hours tonight, I finally just decided not to apply. My lack of enthusiasm in drafting my resume should tell me something. It would be a fascinating job, and I would be really good at it. . .but it's just not what I need right now. There are upsides to it (i.e., less moving around for my family--in my current field, moves are a necessary evil). But, I. . .just can't. I want to want it, because I know I would love it. But my personal life needs something really different right now.
As for the third job. . .I'm still thinking. There are upsides and there are downsides.
But for now, I'm on vacation with the girls--one final week of play before Miss M heads off to first grade, and SB to preschool. It is so lovely to have them back home, and I'm thrilled to be able to spend time with them after the last few lonely, hectic weeks.
Monday, August 15, 2016
#Microblog Monday: Life Malnutrition
In recent weeks, life has slowed down a bit due to family vacations, and we've had a breather from our "regular" hamster-wheel routine of school/camp/commute/work/dinner/errands/kids activities/life/rinse-lather-repeat. It's given me some space to step back and contemplate. In short, with the slower pace of the last few weeks, I feel like I can breathe again.
This pace we are living at here in America is no good. I have known it for a long while now, but this down time really made me realize that much as the body starts to eat into muscle while extremely calorie-starved, this life is eating away at my soul. I am moving so fast trying to keep all of the balls in the air that I have pared the "me" parts of my life down to the bone. There is nothing "extra" left, and I've realized that as I try to support my family financially, ensure that the kids are having the life I want for them, further my career, etc., etc., entire parts of me are being extinguished as I've moved into mere survival mode.
I'm trying to envision ways to find better balance, but it's incredibly hard. I said "no" this week to a two week business trip that would have been a huge professional opportunity that could have led to other things--but would have meant missing Miss M's first day of school at her new school, and possibly also canceling my upcoming second week of vacation (which I wanted to take weeks ago, but was forced to push off because of other professional obligations). Oh, and they only gave me two weeks' notice of the trip.
Was saying "no" a good idea? Personally, yes; professionally no. Is that "balance"? I suppose that depends what happens from here. . .if I miss out on a professional opportunity that I'm currently seeking that would mean fewer hours, because I didn't take this trip, that would be a loss for all of us. . .but then there is the first day of school, which is something. It MEANS something to be there in the morning and take her in. It MEANS something to have this upcoming week of vacation together. It MEANS something to be there at the end of the day to talk about how her day went, in person and not on FaceTime. It MEANS something to tuck her in that first week.
The struggle continues.
This pace we are living at here in America is no good. I have known it for a long while now, but this down time really made me realize that much as the body starts to eat into muscle while extremely calorie-starved, this life is eating away at my soul. I am moving so fast trying to keep all of the balls in the air that I have pared the "me" parts of my life down to the bone. There is nothing "extra" left, and I've realized that as I try to support my family financially, ensure that the kids are having the life I want for them, further my career, etc., etc., entire parts of me are being extinguished as I've moved into mere survival mode.
I'm trying to envision ways to find better balance, but it's incredibly hard. I said "no" this week to a two week business trip that would have been a huge professional opportunity that could have led to other things--but would have meant missing Miss M's first day of school at her new school, and possibly also canceling my upcoming second week of vacation (which I wanted to take weeks ago, but was forced to push off because of other professional obligations). Oh, and they only gave me two weeks' notice of the trip.
Was saying "no" a good idea? Personally, yes; professionally no. Is that "balance"? I suppose that depends what happens from here. . .if I miss out on a professional opportunity that I'm currently seeking that would mean fewer hours, because I didn't take this trip, that would be a loss for all of us. . .but then there is the first day of school, which is something. It MEANS something to be there in the morning and take her in. It MEANS something to have this upcoming week of vacation together. It MEANS something to be there at the end of the day to talk about how her day went, in person and not on FaceTime. It MEANS something to tuck her in that first week.
The struggle continues.
Sunday, August 14, 2016
Health Update
First, my appointment regarding the genetic testing went WELL. So well. I didn't test positive for any genetic mutations, and there were no mutations at all of unknown significance--which is a grey area that can happen, where they know a gene isn't normal, but they can't tell you the significance of that mutation, because they don't yet know the impact. Everything they looked at was NORMAL.
This was a huge, huge, huge relief, because they told me at my initial pre-testing appointment that the transmission rate for all of these things was 50%, and I was terrified about what this could have meant for the girls. And oh yeah, me, too. But, all was normal. Sheer, sheer, relief.
I could tell in my appointment that they were a bit surprised, given my family history, that they didn't find any mutations. They told me that they did a much broader panel for me than they normally do for most people--they tested for a pile of things. In short, in the end, they said that the appendix thing that happened to me was just shit luck, as opposed to having a genetic underpinning. They'd like me to come back in 5-7 years to update them on family history, if I have a spare minute. And they want me to eat healthy. :)
I'm still nervous about health stuff. I have my regular re-screening in a few weeks re: the appendix thing. I will be very nervous. But for now, in this moment, all is okay.
This was a huge, huge, huge relief, because they told me at my initial pre-testing appointment that the transmission rate for all of these things was 50%, and I was terrified about what this could have meant for the girls. And oh yeah, me, too. But, all was normal. Sheer, sheer, relief.
I could tell in my appointment that they were a bit surprised, given my family history, that they didn't find any mutations. They told me that they did a much broader panel for me than they normally do for most people--they tested for a pile of things. In short, in the end, they said that the appendix thing that happened to me was just shit luck, as opposed to having a genetic underpinning. They'd like me to come back in 5-7 years to update them on family history, if I have a spare minute. And they want me to eat healthy. :)
I'm still nervous about health stuff. I have my regular re-screening in a few weeks re: the appendix thing. I will be very nervous. But for now, in this moment, all is okay.
Wednesday, July 27, 2016
Anxious
Yesterday at 4:30 they called to tell me that the genetics testing was back, and they moved my appointment up to this afternoon. It was so unexpected and my appointment was still so far away that I had not even worried about the results much yet.
I'm on my way to the appointment now, and I am worried. It didn't help th public transportation here is a mess right now, and I missed the train I had planned to take. I had to pay a small pile of extra money to take the high speed train so that I can make my appointment, which is outside the city.
I am hoping for the best, because the alternative would really, really suck.
I'm on my way to the appointment now, and I am worried. It didn't help th public transportation here is a mess right now, and I missed the train I had planned to take. I had to pay a small pile of extra money to take the high speed train so that I can make my appointment, which is outside the city.
I am hoping for the best, because the alternative would really, really suck.
Monday, July 11, 2016
#Microblog Monday: School Clothes?
We have been at uniform schools for the last few years. I LOVE school uniforms. It makes life so very easy on school mornings. Once school ended this year, I discovered how very hard it is to get SB dressed, in particular. I bought her a bunch of different summer clothes, and she basically refused to wear anything but ONE skort and ONE tank top (which thankfully came in a number of colors). I'm dreading school shopping, but know I need to start, because September will be here before I know it!
Both of my girls prefer skirts and dresses. I can't get either one to wear jeans. I've been joking that their fashion sense generally comes down to: a) is it pink; b) could you eat four helpings of Thanksgiving dinner in it comfortably?; and c) would a 65 year wear it to a Jersey casino? If all three, then it is TOTALLY up their alley.
So now I'm trying to figure out where to shop and what to buy.
Where do you buy comfortable, affordable school clothes?
Both of my girls prefer skirts and dresses. I can't get either one to wear jeans. I've been joking that their fashion sense generally comes down to: a) is it pink; b) could you eat four helpings of Thanksgiving dinner in it comfortably?; and c) would a 65 year wear it to a Jersey casino? If all three, then it is TOTALLY up their alley.
So now I'm trying to figure out where to shop and what to buy.
Where do you buy comfortable, affordable school clothes?
Sunday, July 10, 2016
Summertime
Things are, as they always are in America, hectic. The girls have finished up school, and have been attending two different summer camps. SB strongly prefers the camp at her preschool, because they don't make her nap. She comes home dirty, happy, and gloriously exhausted. Miss M has not yet attended that camp (her school got out later), and strongly prefers the camp that they have been at since she got out of school. She has been crying and yelling when we raise the fact that her preferred camp got booked up for the next few weeks, so she will be attending the camp at SB's preschool (which is also for older kids). SB, meanwhile, is delighted. She loathes the camp they've been going to, as they make her nap. The side effect of this is that she is up until 10pm every night. It is remarkable how little sleep the child needs, and a source of much consternation. I tried talking to the camp about the nap, but they are utterly inflexible about it. I think it's weird that they have a rest time for 4 year olds. But, we managed to soldier through it, with none of horrible fallout that we had over the school year. We are soooo looking forward to next week's camp, and are sure Miss M will love it once she's there. She used to run ahead to get to SB's preschool when we dropped her off, so she had a few minutes to play before I dragged her out of there to take her to her own school. It truly is a magical place.
We have to sign the contract this week for preschool for next year. They've been blessedly silent about it until now, so we let it go as we watched to see how things were going to shake out with our international options. I am in the running for a job in the Caribbean, but we still don't know how it will pan out. Honestly, although it will be a really tight situation financially, I'm fine with staying another year. It would be really great if we got to stay another year AND the job in the Caribbean came through for next year. After (what would then be) two years of chaotic "first world" parenting, slow island pace sounds pretty amazing to me. The only fly in this ointment is that the job may come through much sooner than expected, like by the end of the summer. So basically, I'm in the running for a job with an undetermined availability date, as they haven't decided yet when they will fill the job. And of course, they may still decide to go with another candidate, because that's life.
We had a fabulous Fourth of July. We did a spur-of-the-moment overnight trip to the shore. We had a wonderful couple of days hiking, playing in the bay, swimming in the hotel pool, getting ice cream along the boardwalk, eating fresh seafood, and visiting a really amazing sculpture/fairy garden. It was really amazing to be out in the country. I felt like I could finally. . .breathe. Being in the country is definitely my happy place. Except. Three days after we got back, I developed the unmistakable tattoo of Lyme disease on my leg. We did a 3.5 mile hike with the girls, and they did really amazing, and I never saw a tick on me. But the trailhead had huge signs warning of a serious tick problem/Lyme disease in the area, and I vaguely recall feeling something on my leg in the location where the rash eventually appeared, and scraping something small with my nail. In hindsight, it was likely a tiny deer tick, and I likely knocked it off and left the head; I didn't think to look at the time, because I was busy with the chaos that is little kids. Ticks have to be on your body for 24 hours to transmit the disease, but if you leave the head, it can continue to exude saliva and infect you, apparently. Luckily, being from Northern New England, I'm familiar with the bulls-eye rash that is the signature of Lyme disease, and I went straight to urgent care for antibiotics the moment I saw it. I never actually felt bad, so hopefully there will be no long-term effects.
What else? The girls have three more weeks of summer camp, and then T and I have four weeks off between us. We're taking the girls to New England for the month to spend time with family and friends. They'll do two weeks with me and two weeks with T. It's a huge bummer that we can't vacation as a family, but T doesn't have any time built up, since he's relatively new in his job, and I couldn't get more than two weeks off this summer because things are a little crazy at work. Nevertheless, it will be good for the kids. I'm a little nervous, because we are spending it all at family lake houses, and the idea of the girls around the water without me terrifies me. But I'm trying not to be neurotic. . .easier said than done.
Oh, and my doctor had recommended cancer genetic testing based on my family history. It took me six months to get the appointment, but I finally had it, and decided to move forward with the testing. It is a little stressful, but once I learned that if I am a carrier, there is a 50% chance I could have passed it on to the girls, it was a no-brainer. Hopefully, I will not be a carrier for any of the gene mutations, and that will be that. They told me that one possibility is that they'll find a gene mutation that they do not yet know the significance of, which ends up being kind of a question mark. Ergh. Hopefully, it will all just be normal and unremarkable.
It looks like it's going to be another scorcher here. I won't lie. I LOVE the hot weather. I'm looking forward to trying out the ginger melon popsicles I made last night, and visiting the local pool.
We have to sign the contract this week for preschool for next year. They've been blessedly silent about it until now, so we let it go as we watched to see how things were going to shake out with our international options. I am in the running for a job in the Caribbean, but we still don't know how it will pan out. Honestly, although it will be a really tight situation financially, I'm fine with staying another year. It would be really great if we got to stay another year AND the job in the Caribbean came through for next year. After (what would then be) two years of chaotic "first world" parenting, slow island pace sounds pretty amazing to me. The only fly in this ointment is that the job may come through much sooner than expected, like by the end of the summer. So basically, I'm in the running for a job with an undetermined availability date, as they haven't decided yet when they will fill the job. And of course, they may still decide to go with another candidate, because that's life.
We had a fabulous Fourth of July. We did a spur-of-the-moment overnight trip to the shore. We had a wonderful couple of days hiking, playing in the bay, swimming in the hotel pool, getting ice cream along the boardwalk, eating fresh seafood, and visiting a really amazing sculpture/fairy garden. It was really amazing to be out in the country. I felt like I could finally. . .breathe. Being in the country is definitely my happy place. Except. Three days after we got back, I developed the unmistakable tattoo of Lyme disease on my leg. We did a 3.5 mile hike with the girls, and they did really amazing, and I never saw a tick on me. But the trailhead had huge signs warning of a serious tick problem/Lyme disease in the area, and I vaguely recall feeling something on my leg in the location where the rash eventually appeared, and scraping something small with my nail. In hindsight, it was likely a tiny deer tick, and I likely knocked it off and left the head; I didn't think to look at the time, because I was busy with the chaos that is little kids. Ticks have to be on your body for 24 hours to transmit the disease, but if you leave the head, it can continue to exude saliva and infect you, apparently. Luckily, being from Northern New England, I'm familiar with the bulls-eye rash that is the signature of Lyme disease, and I went straight to urgent care for antibiotics the moment I saw it. I never actually felt bad, so hopefully there will be no long-term effects.
What else? The girls have three more weeks of summer camp, and then T and I have four weeks off between us. We're taking the girls to New England for the month to spend time with family and friends. They'll do two weeks with me and two weeks with T. It's a huge bummer that we can't vacation as a family, but T doesn't have any time built up, since he's relatively new in his job, and I couldn't get more than two weeks off this summer because things are a little crazy at work. Nevertheless, it will be good for the kids. I'm a little nervous, because we are spending it all at family lake houses, and the idea of the girls around the water without me terrifies me. But I'm trying not to be neurotic. . .easier said than done.
Oh, and my doctor had recommended cancer genetic testing based on my family history. It took me six months to get the appointment, but I finally had it, and decided to move forward with the testing. It is a little stressful, but once I learned that if I am a carrier, there is a 50% chance I could have passed it on to the girls, it was a no-brainer. Hopefully, I will not be a carrier for any of the gene mutations, and that will be that. They told me that one possibility is that they'll find a gene mutation that they do not yet know the significance of, which ends up being kind of a question mark. Ergh. Hopefully, it will all just be normal and unremarkable.
It looks like it's going to be another scorcher here. I won't lie. I LOVE the hot weather. I'm looking forward to trying out the ginger melon popsicles I made last night, and visiting the local pool.
Thursday, June 9, 2016
Crossroads. Again.
It is wonderful to have choices.
It is hard to have choices.
We are again fast coming to a point where we will need to make some decisions, and as I often do, I wish I could KNOW what the right decisions are.
I have enjoyed being back in the U.S., and have enjoyed my job, but my personal life has been chaotic and somewhat difficult. The house is a bit messier than I would like and there is always laundry to fold and we are always running here, there, and everywhere. I feel like we don't get enough of a chance to just BE, here in America. In short, I miss our life overseas.
It has not at all been a smooth year for the girls. We've had the nightmare that was SB's preschool experience, and the extremely huge, negative impact it had upon her. We had the poor school fit for Miss M socially, although she has learned a ton educationally and we are pleased with that part of things. Her teacher has mentioned that she is beyond her peers in terms of her exposure to things, or to put it another way, she has had a lot more life experiences. That is where we see the Title I school really has been an issue--it's not skin color, or family income, or native language. It's access to experiences that sets her apart. That has made more of a difference than I ever imagined it could, even in kindergarten. Another mother told me how stunned she was to hear my daughter talk about Jackson Pollock in class one day. She has an insanely good memory, and she is interested in many things, and we take her to do a lot of different things, and she is just an awesome kid who contains a lot of knowledge that she's thrilled to share. Which makes her stand out from her current peers. Anyway, it's been a poor fit.
And then there is T. . .he kind of hates his job. He would probably like it, but the people he works for are unpleasant and treat him rather poorly, and he is miserable.
So, it seems like it would be easy to head back overseas, right? It's been hard for everyone here (well, except me, but I miss our life overseas), so we should just hit the road again, right?
But. . .
Miss M has been accepted into a great bilingual private school for next year.
We have everything worked out for SB to next year attend the fantastic, amazing, warm, caring preschool that we switched her to a few months ago, where she has THRIVED.
And T has just applied for a fantastic job at a museum that he would be perfect for, and it would be perfect for him. That is not to say that he will get an interview, even--let alone the job. But it is a kernel of hope for him, and he is convinced he can get himself the job if he can land an interview.
Which of course means that. . .
I am hearing whisperings of a fantastic job in a very interesting place overseas. We'd have good weather and decent schools and a good salary and household help and low crime and little pollution and short commutes. But it means starting over again. I mean, we are going to start over again in the fall, anyway, in some respects. But at least we know where the playground and the grocery store are.
I'm just not sure.
It is hard to have choices.
We are again fast coming to a point where we will need to make some decisions, and as I often do, I wish I could KNOW what the right decisions are.
I have enjoyed being back in the U.S., and have enjoyed my job, but my personal life has been chaotic and somewhat difficult. The house is a bit messier than I would like and there is always laundry to fold and we are always running here, there, and everywhere. I feel like we don't get enough of a chance to just BE, here in America. In short, I miss our life overseas.
It has not at all been a smooth year for the girls. We've had the nightmare that was SB's preschool experience, and the extremely huge, negative impact it had upon her. We had the poor school fit for Miss M socially, although she has learned a ton educationally and we are pleased with that part of things. Her teacher has mentioned that she is beyond her peers in terms of her exposure to things, or to put it another way, she has had a lot more life experiences. That is where we see the Title I school really has been an issue--it's not skin color, or family income, or native language. It's access to experiences that sets her apart. That has made more of a difference than I ever imagined it could, even in kindergarten. Another mother told me how stunned she was to hear my daughter talk about Jackson Pollock in class one day. She has an insanely good memory, and she is interested in many things, and we take her to do a lot of different things, and she is just an awesome kid who contains a lot of knowledge that she's thrilled to share. Which makes her stand out from her current peers. Anyway, it's been a poor fit.
And then there is T. . .he kind of hates his job. He would probably like it, but the people he works for are unpleasant and treat him rather poorly, and he is miserable.
So, it seems like it would be easy to head back overseas, right? It's been hard for everyone here (well, except me, but I miss our life overseas), so we should just hit the road again, right?
But. . .
Miss M has been accepted into a great bilingual private school for next year.
We have everything worked out for SB to next year attend the fantastic, amazing, warm, caring preschool that we switched her to a few months ago, where she has THRIVED.
And T has just applied for a fantastic job at a museum that he would be perfect for, and it would be perfect for him. That is not to say that he will get an interview, even--let alone the job. But it is a kernel of hope for him, and he is convinced he can get himself the job if he can land an interview.
Which of course means that. . .
I am hearing whisperings of a fantastic job in a very interesting place overseas. We'd have good weather and decent schools and a good salary and household help and low crime and little pollution and short commutes. But it means starting over again. I mean, we are going to start over again in the fall, anyway, in some respects. But at least we know where the playground and the grocery store are.
I'm just not sure.
Saturday, May 21, 2016
Forward Planning
I am back home again, and it is wonderful to be back with my family. I had a very nice trip, and it was frankly good to see the sun. It has been so grey and dreary here for weeks, and it is raining yet again. But even though there is no sun, my world is joyful because I can hug my girls. It's so good to be back!
While I was gone, I thought a lot about what I want to do next. There is one overseas job that I am still particularly interested in, but right now there is no opening. For months, I have heard rumors that a position might be opening up, but it hasn't happened to date. Frankly, our window of opportunity is narrowing for that one, because we need to start making commitments for next year, regarding a lease and school for the girls. We've signed a contract now for Miss M's school. The more financial commitments we make, the harder it would be for us to leave.
Setting aside my interest in that one job, I've decided to apply for a teaching fellowship. There is a particular project I'd like to work on while teaching, and it would give me a somewhat flexible schedule. It would only be for one year, but would give me some breathing room for that year. It would mean that we would be here in this city for two more years. I'm still mulling over whether that is the right decision (as I've written before, our lives feel much less chaotic overseas), but it feels manageable and interesting, and who knows where it might lead.
On top of that, I'm contemplating opening a small business. It sounds insane, in light of what feels like already overwhelming commitments, but it would only be about ten hours a week, I could do it at night after the girls are in bed and/or early mornings before they wake, and most importantly, it would give me a creative outlet. I feel like that would bring more balance into my life, in a weird way. Plus, it has the potential to bring in a little extra income that would defray the costs of some of the extras we'd like for the girls. I'm still looking at the feasibility of it all, but hope to move quickly. There is little associated cost, so it's completely low risk. And I'm excited about it.
The great thing about my trip abroad was that it gave me two solid weeks of quiet mornings and nights to really think about what is working, what is not, and how we might improve things. I feel like we have some solid plans forward, and I'm excited to see how things play out.
While I was gone, I thought a lot about what I want to do next. There is one overseas job that I am still particularly interested in, but right now there is no opening. For months, I have heard rumors that a position might be opening up, but it hasn't happened to date. Frankly, our window of opportunity is narrowing for that one, because we need to start making commitments for next year, regarding a lease and school for the girls. We've signed a contract now for Miss M's school. The more financial commitments we make, the harder it would be for us to leave.
Setting aside my interest in that one job, I've decided to apply for a teaching fellowship. There is a particular project I'd like to work on while teaching, and it would give me a somewhat flexible schedule. It would only be for one year, but would give me some breathing room for that year. It would mean that we would be here in this city for two more years. I'm still mulling over whether that is the right decision (as I've written before, our lives feel much less chaotic overseas), but it feels manageable and interesting, and who knows where it might lead.
On top of that, I'm contemplating opening a small business. It sounds insane, in light of what feels like already overwhelming commitments, but it would only be about ten hours a week, I could do it at night after the girls are in bed and/or early mornings before they wake, and most importantly, it would give me a creative outlet. I feel like that would bring more balance into my life, in a weird way. Plus, it has the potential to bring in a little extra income that would defray the costs of some of the extras we'd like for the girls. I'm still looking at the feasibility of it all, but hope to move quickly. There is little associated cost, so it's completely low risk. And I'm excited about it.
The great thing about my trip abroad was that it gave me two solid weeks of quiet mornings and nights to really think about what is working, what is not, and how we might improve things. I feel like we have some solid plans forward, and I'm excited to see how things play out.
Sunday, May 15, 2016
The Challenge of "Balance"
Greetings from Central America! I've been traveling for the last week, and have a few more days to go. It is a huge pain to be gone for so long, and I miss the girls like crazy. SB cried big fat tears every time I talked to her the first 3-4 days, begging me to come home immediately. It made me feel terrible. I can't wait to get back.
From a professional perspective, it has been a good experience to get down here and see all that is going on, and to meet people I usually only talk with on the phone or via email. It is good to see things with my own eyes, and to connect with local people. Nothing beats that in person connection.
Now I am mulling over what to do with that information--how to turn it into something and move things forward. It is long-term, big picture stuff, and I am far from having all of the answers. But I can see what is possible, and that is exciting.
I am also thinking about how to balance career and family. I feel like we really struggle in America. Mother's Day brought forth articles about balancing, like this one and this one. What I was left with is the feeling that American mothers have to make choices. I have heard lots of women say that "you can have it all--you just can't have it all at the same time." And maybe that's my problem--I want to have it all at once. But it's not working.
The new U.S. ambassador to Mexico, the first woman to ever hold this position, recently had this to say in an interview with her alumni mag:
"With work-life balance, I tell people that you can have it all. You just can’t have it all at once. There are different times in your life when you emphasize different things, and there’s nothing wrong with that. There were times when my kids did have to come first and they needed me, and there were other times when they didn’t understand why I couldn’t do the field trips and the baking brownies and all the rest of it. But when they stood on the stage with Hillary Clinton, they thought that was pretty damn cool and probably worth it."
I want to do field trips and bake brownies. I also want to have a meaningful, productive work life. Those are two different parts of who I am. Now I am pondering ways to make that happen. We debated her words a bit in my office. A non-parent was a bit put off by the line about missed field trips and baking brownies, and thought it sounded harsh. I said it made me feel a bit less alone and guilty for the things I don't make. But I'm still wondering, were those sacrifices indeed worth it for her kids? A missed field trip isn't the end of the world, but an accompanied field trip also means something. The perfect mix is unknowable, though, making it a hard path to carve.
From a professional perspective, it has been a good experience to get down here and see all that is going on, and to meet people I usually only talk with on the phone or via email. It is good to see things with my own eyes, and to connect with local people. Nothing beats that in person connection.
Now I am mulling over what to do with that information--how to turn it into something and move things forward. It is long-term, big picture stuff, and I am far from having all of the answers. But I can see what is possible, and that is exciting.
I am also thinking about how to balance career and family. I feel like we really struggle in America. Mother's Day brought forth articles about balancing, like this one and this one. What I was left with is the feeling that American mothers have to make choices. I have heard lots of women say that "you can have it all--you just can't have it all at the same time." And maybe that's my problem--I want to have it all at once. But it's not working.
The new U.S. ambassador to Mexico, the first woman to ever hold this position, recently had this to say in an interview with her alumni mag:
"With work-life balance, I tell people that you can have it all. You just can’t have it all at once. There are different times in your life when you emphasize different things, and there’s nothing wrong with that. There were times when my kids did have to come first and they needed me, and there were other times when they didn’t understand why I couldn’t do the field trips and the baking brownies and all the rest of it. But when they stood on the stage with Hillary Clinton, they thought that was pretty damn cool and probably worth it."
I want to do field trips and bake brownies. I also want to have a meaningful, productive work life. Those are two different parts of who I am. Now I am pondering ways to make that happen. We debated her words a bit in my office. A non-parent was a bit put off by the line about missed field trips and baking brownies, and thought it sounded harsh. I said it made me feel a bit less alone and guilty for the things I don't make. But I'm still wondering, were those sacrifices indeed worth it for her kids? A missed field trip isn't the end of the world, but an accompanied field trip also means something. The perfect mix is unknowable, though, making it a hard path to carve.
Saturday, May 7, 2016
School Blessings and Other Things
We are so very, very fortunate. Miss M was awarded a place in the private school, and almost a full scholarship. I was really shocked by the scholarship, and feel so blessed. We decided that we had to accept the spot. It is an amazing opportunity for her, and with the scholarship the tuition is financially manageable for us. We had to take advantage of the opportunity. We are really excited for her, and so very proud of her. I feel like she's found her tribe.
We talked with SB's school, as well, and there is some chance that they will be able to swing a partial scholarship for her. We are crossing our fingers and all of our other parts, and hoping this works out, as well. We will have to take on a not-insubstantial amount of additional work to make it financially viable even with a scholarship, but she continues to do beautifully there, and we think it is critical that she stays where she is. She is literally a different person. If you had told me three months ago that a school change alone would have made this much of a difference in my child, I would not have believed you. It upsets me greatly to think about what was going on in her previous classroom that a school change has made such a difference.
A big part of the change is obviously that she is now being treated well. It's clear that she was considered and called a problem at her old school. But one of the other important differences is the amount of playground time. Given her energy level, it is just an imperative. If we move her back to public school, we're back to 30 minutes a day, which just doesn't work for her, at least not yet. Hopefully with another year in her current school, she will mature to the point where she is ready for a more sedentary classroom. Sigh. What happened to childhood?! Anyway, we hope, hope, pray things work out with her current school.
As a backup plan, I've also enrolled them in public school. Just in case. Because I am so leary of the other shoe falling and something not working out. Which is slightly neurotic and crazy, I know, but it's been that kind of year. I need plans B, C, and D for my own peace of mind.
Honestly, I am living in a state of low anxiety all of the time these days. It is really unhealthy. There has just been so much stress. And I'm headed off on a multi-country business trip, which is not helping things. I just feel like a rat on a little wheel, with so much to do all of the time and so many things to work out and balance. Now that things look like they are shaping up for the girls and school next year, I am also starting to hear back on positions that might be available overseas. Ah, well. Sometimes you just have to throw your hands up in the air at the craziness of it all!
We talked with SB's school, as well, and there is some chance that they will be able to swing a partial scholarship for her. We are crossing our fingers and all of our other parts, and hoping this works out, as well. We will have to take on a not-insubstantial amount of additional work to make it financially viable even with a scholarship, but she continues to do beautifully there, and we think it is critical that she stays where she is. She is literally a different person. If you had told me three months ago that a school change alone would have made this much of a difference in my child, I would not have believed you. It upsets me greatly to think about what was going on in her previous classroom that a school change has made such a difference.
A big part of the change is obviously that she is now being treated well. It's clear that she was considered and called a problem at her old school. But one of the other important differences is the amount of playground time. Given her energy level, it is just an imperative. If we move her back to public school, we're back to 30 minutes a day, which just doesn't work for her, at least not yet. Hopefully with another year in her current school, she will mature to the point where she is ready for a more sedentary classroom. Sigh. What happened to childhood?! Anyway, we hope, hope, pray things work out with her current school.
As a backup plan, I've also enrolled them in public school. Just in case. Because I am so leary of the other shoe falling and something not working out. Which is slightly neurotic and crazy, I know, but it's been that kind of year. I need plans B, C, and D for my own peace of mind.
Honestly, I am living in a state of low anxiety all of the time these days. It is really unhealthy. There has just been so much stress. And I'm headed off on a multi-country business trip, which is not helping things. I just feel like a rat on a little wheel, with so much to do all of the time and so many things to work out and balance. Now that things look like they are shaping up for the girls and school next year, I am also starting to hear back on positions that might be available overseas. Ah, well. Sometimes you just have to throw your hands up in the air at the craziness of it all!
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