I Did It!

Do you ever have those moments when seemingly disconnected or vague thoughts that have been floating around your head all of a sudden gel together into a clear path that you obviously must follow? That happened to me today. I was reading this post by the always-awesome Mel today, which references NaNoWriMo, and something just clicked for me. For those of you who don't know, NaNoWriMo is short for National Novel Writing Month. Basically, thousands of people attempt to write a 50,000 word novel during the month of November. I'd heard of NaNoWriMo before, but never paid much attention to it, because that seemed a bit. . .ambitious. But today. . .I signed up to do it!

I have bits and bobs of writing stashed all over the place. I like to write. I constantly put together snatches of dialogue and imagine characters and plots and beginnings and endings. However, I don't actually end up with much. I overanalyze and tell myself that everything is crap, and I basically kill the piece before it even gets started. I am someone who wants to be good at everything I do. With writing, I want everything to be so perfect that I get nowhere. It's ironic, because producing nothing is the ultimate failure.

But this month, I was reading something that really spoke to me about giving yourself permission to be less than perfect, and getting out there and doing what you want to do--that by simply giving yourself that permission, you free yourself up to accomplish far more than you otherwise might. Then, I had a funny conversation with my brother about his creative use of facial hair, which prompted me to think of a plot for a story (hey! wouldn't it be funny if. . .). Plus, I've been thinking about how I'd like to write more, and how I could carve more time out of my schedule to write. Then, I read Mel's post, in which she referenced NaNoWriMo. Cartoon lightbulbs went off over my head. I raced over to NaNoWriMo's website, read much of the material posted while the girls napped, then signed up. Hot damn!

So, I give myself permission to fail. I give myself permission to be less than perfect. I give myself permission to write utter crap. I give myself permission to do it simply for the joy of doing it. I give myself permission to give up, even.

There basically could not be a worse time for me to be doing NaNoWriMo. On Saturday (as in, September 27, as in five days from today), I am moving to a new city. On Monday (as in, September 29), I start a new job (which, er, also involves me brushing up on my Spanish, for that assignment that I have in South America next year). Miss M also starts preschool next week. Then NaNoWriMo starts on Thursday. It cannot possibly work out. But that is the beauty of it.

Post Mortem

One of the great things about the last few years is that my "new" job (the one I took on 2+ years ago) permits us to live life in chapters. I take on work for a finite amount of time, so there are clear beginning points, end points and transitions as I move through and between assignments. Somehow, I feel more connected to my life as I live within this framework. I am more mindful of the passage of time, and of doing all I can to spend it well. Looking back on the decade before this job, my career was a speeding car, whizzing by the scenery of my life so fast that I barely took it in. I literally cannot pinpoint even the year certain things happened, because those years are such a blur. I don't regret them for one minute, but it was hell on my personal life.

I pick up odd bits of insight and wisdom here and there, sometimes from very unlikely sources. Years ago, I read an interview with Julia Roberts, and she was quoted as saying something that has always stuck with me. I think it was from a time period after she had met Danny Moder. I can't remember if they had kids yet. Anyway, she said something like "I feel like I am in the harbor of my life." I liked the sound of it, and now I'm finally living it. I feel like I'm finally in the harbor of my life, too.

Despite being in the harbor, there are still occasional storms, and I've been thinking a lot about how to create a strong family life and how to make myself happier. We are in transition now, home from Europe but not yet settled in our new city. This time has proven to be an excellent opportunity to not only reconnect with family and friends, but also to reflect on what has worked for us over the last two years and how I would like to do things differently in the next chapter. When you are still living in a situation, it can be much harder to critique it and to figure out how to make changes. But when you have already left your old life and have no choice but to reestablish yourself professionally and personally in a new city/country/continent, the bit of distance makes it easier to look back and appraise. I like that I will have a fresh start at the end of the month, a chance to start anew. It feels easier to make changes when you are in a new home, in a new city, making new friends and working at a new job.

I wrote this a few days ago, but never got to finish the post:

We've had the most perfect day today. It is one of those crisp, sunny fall days. Despite the cool weather, Miss M and I put on our swimsuits and went swimming in the lake, then took warm baths. After that, we got dressed and went to pick apples at a local orchard. Miss M had on a a beautiful new sweater that my MIL bought for her. The orchard had pumpkins and mums and cornstalks everywhere around the farm buildings, and I took some quintessential fall pictures of her.

It really was the most perfect day. The air and the water were both far too cold for swimming, but she really wanted to go swimming so we went in anyway, and had a blast. At the orchard, a tractor hauled us in a wagon full of hay up to the picking fields. We picked three kinds of apples from the trees, then went home and made an apple pie. The fall leaves were at their peak. Miss M picked out her very first pumpkins (she at first insisted on selecting one for each of us, but we ultimately settled on just the two for her and SB). The grandparents were there. It was just such a HAPPY day.

We've had a number of those days during this transition. It made me think a lot about what makes me happy, and how to make my life even better. In no particular order, these have been my thoughts on what I'd like to work on:

1. No complaining. Two years ago (for an entire year), I had no one I could complain to at work. I was working with people who I simply couldn't complain to, for one reason or another. You know what? I was blissfully happy. It was one of the happiest years of my life, actually. I was happy for a lot of reasons, but there is no denying the complaining/commiserating factor. When I can't complain, I let it go and move one. Complaining/commiserating is like fast food: you think it tastes good, but hours later you feel like crap. You vent and get it all out, which can relieve tension and stress, but then it festers. I need to get better about this, because the proof is in the pudding that I am actually happier when I don't do it. It's a hard habit to break when you are in a high-stress environment/situation, but I know I can do it, because I did for a whole year!

2. Budget I want to get better about budgeting. When you are living abroad everything feels like it's a "once in a lifetime opportunity," and I tend to want to gorge on travel and experiences. It's easy to overspend. I want to work to create better habits over the next six months while we are in the U.S., so that when we go abroad again we will have a good system in place and can be sure we are meeting all of our financial goals. We are meeting many of our financial goals, but perhaps are not doing as well as we should be in some areas. A better budget should help us reach our goals.

3. Project Positivism I tend to be fairly focused and reserved at work, and I hate to bother other people. Unfortunately, that sometimes causes people to conclude that I am stuck up, rude, or worse. It can be hard to mend fences even when the damage was inadvertent, particularly when you are working with foreign staff. I want to be sure that I an outgoing and positive ray of sunshine as I start this next phase of my job, because that's the kind of employee that people want to work with, and it will generally make my life easier.

4. Date Night! T and I have been stretched pretty thin over the last year. We haven't had a reliable babysitter, and have only had one dinner by ourselves in the last year, which is terrible. We need to make a standing date night, and then honor that. It will be really fun, and good for our relationship. I'm a bit anxious about leaving Miss M and SB with someone, especially SB (who is not yet verbal). But especially with little kids, it is super important. It can feel like every ounce of spare energy is focused on them, but we need to carve out time for us.

In another week, I will be heading back to work and putting all of these things to the test.

Homecoming

I've only spent one week in the U.S. in the last two years. There are two things that I'm finding incredibly weird: one, there are many, many people, places and things that are exactly the same. It's like I only ran to the store, and have come back to find things just as I left them. I mean, really, NOTHING has changed. Many of my family and friends are quite literally doing exactly the same things, living and working in the same places. It's. . .weird. I know that if we were here, it would be true for us, too, but we've made all of these changes and lived so much in the last two years, and it freaks me out a little to think that if we hadn't left, we would have simply aged two more years.

The second thing that I am finding weird is how emotional I get over the little things I've missed, like the guy at the gas station telling me to have a nice day (people in Europe don't tell you to have a nice day--ever; customer service with a smile is largely an American concept), or the fact I can buy chipotle peppers in adobo in my small town grocery store in northern New England, or how far $10 gets me here. America, how I have missed you!

And so it is good to be here, but also a bit. . .melancholy, for some reason. I don't know what I expected. I guess I expected something to be different because I am different, we are different. I expected more, although I'm not quite sure what that might be. Did I expect it to be more special? I suppose that is it. We've been gone for two years; we've come with two children, one of whom had never been to the U.S. until now; we are older and wiser and have had all of these great experiences. It feels rather ordinary. It also is a bit depressing to me to see how little people have spread their wings since we left. I think that is the hardest part.

That's not to say that we are not having a nice time. It's been nice to see family and friends. The kids are having a good time, and everyone seems to be enjoying them. We've been eating our weight in things that we've missed (candy corn; barbecue; American Chinese food; American breakfasts; pastries from my favorite scratch bakery). We've been doing fun stuff, too--a bit of shopping (new jeans!); long walks through the woods admiring the foliage; trips to the children's museum; swimming in the lake; playing with new toys; and generally mucking about. Tomorrow we are going to a country fair.

I suppose the beauty of this trip home really is in the ordinary-ness of it all, and that this is what we have missed and this is what we are here for. I just need to embrace that more fully. It will probably be easier as a bit of time passes. The transition is still fresh and a bit jarring, and I am still sleep deprived. Changing time zones with kids apparently takes days!

In Case There Was Any Doubt. . .

. . .that moms totally rock, I am sitting in Starbucks with both of my kids (because we have no internet at home until we move), watching a video for work that I need to stream via the internet, while also downloading a file and blogging. Contrast this to my husband, who is laying at home in bed, where he has been all day. Now, before you start feeling all sorry for him because he had surgery on Friday, note that he felt so good last night that he insisted on having a dozen people over for a farewell dinner. He is doing just fine, but "resting up" today. Did I do that after either of MY recent surgeries? Hell, no. Because moms have it going on. . .ALL of the time!

We're Getting There

Our things have all been packed up and moved. We are left with just our suitcases now. Thankfully this place came furnished, so we are able to stay here until we head back to the U.S. at the end of the week. The move went reasonably smoothly, even though I felt like I had not done enough beforehand. I think it helped that the moving truck broke down, so they were here for three shorter days instead of two longer ones. It gave me a bit of extra time to weed out the last bits of stuff rather than just stuff it in boxes to deal with on the other end. It was a little complicated to wrangle both kids and supervise the movers for two of the three days while T. was in the hospital having his surgery, but we managed to make it work.

His surgery went well. He's a bit sore and a bit tired, but doing okay. The real test will be tomorrow, when I have to go back to work. I wanted to hire a nanny to come in for the week, but he didn't want to do that. He's got friends who will help him during the day, but he can't really lift anything. To complicate things, we shipped the double stroller to the U.S. this week. That means Miss M must walk to the park if they are to get there, which she is not a big fan of. There are not many toys left, so the park is an important option for keeping her amused and happy!

The rain has also returned here, which is kind of a bummer. I was hoping to spend today, our last weekend day, at one of our favorite outdoor spots in the city, but we can't do it in the rain. It makes me sad that we won't be able to hang out there again, as we have so many happy memories there. I really was hoping to visit one last time. It looks like it's raining too hard to spend the afternoon at the park, as well. We already went to an indoor play gym is morning, so it looks like I'll have to conjure up some art projects for this afternoon. It's currently nap time, which will hopefully last quite a while. There are still many hour to fill, and it's really hard without any toys!!!

. I am ready to leave this place. The last few months have exhausted me. I feel like my life has been controlled by my endless to-do lists, and it will be good to put that aspect of things behind us. I'm ready to move on to the next adventure. I'm looking forward to spending time in the U.S., and to seeing family and friends. There are still so many things that we have not done and seen here, but we've done enough. I've enjoyed the time, more or less. Maybe some day we'll be back, and there will still be adventures to be had here. I like knowing that.

We Interrupt Our Packing For This Very Important Annoucement

The best relationships, I think, are hatched when two very different people with core shared values unite. T. and I very much meet this mold, with one very important exception that is most felt when moving: we are both messy. Not in a dirty house sense or even a disorganized house sense, but in a stick-it-in-the-back-of-the-closet-and-deal-with-it-later sense. When forced to actually deal with the items in question, we diverge in our approach. T. is a "toss everything and we'll replace it if we later learn we need it," and I am a "save it for a rainy day, just in case, because why spend money twice?" Neither approach is really ideal when you are moving halfway around the world, because a) it costs money to ship things, but b) they might not have XYZ in the country you are moving to, so if you throw it out and find you need it, you might be SOL.

As I was sorting, I just found a black suit jacket that is really too big for me. It's longer than the current style, and boxier, because I bought it. . .hmmm, well some time ago, anyway. But still, I moved it to my "send to South America pile." Almost as an afterthought, I checked the pockets, and found a note. It was clearly from the last time I wore the jacket. I bought the jacket right after I graduated from grad school (in the late '90's), just before a big interview. I was out of time, and at the last store I could go to, and desperately in need of an "interview suit". The store had nothing in my size that was appropriate for an interview, so I ended up with a skirt that was too tight around the waist and a jacket that was too big. . .this jacket. When I unfolded the note, I realized it was from 1999. I have not worn the jacket since 1999. It's in mint condition, because it's never really fit and so I've never really worn it. It's moved from house to house with me since then. It was remarkably freeing to move it to my "donate" pile. I have at least four other black suits, complete with jackets that actually fit and look reasonably stylish. I clearly don't need this one!

Things On My Mind

I have three blog posts partially drafted in my head, but time is short and my to-do lists are long, so here's the rundown:

--I've been thinking a lot about people who create artificial lives for themselves on Facebook and other social media sites. I find it annoying, and then I find myself tempted to one-up them, and then I just get annoyed at myself. I manage to resist the temptation, but it's hard. I know FB is the highlight reel of life, and self-selected at that, but it just makes me feel competitive. It's like a perverse form of grown-up high school.

--The movers come a week from yesterday. I still have a lot to do. I feel like I accomplish a huge amount every day, but there is still a huge amount left to do every day. I'm exhausted and ready to be done with moving and finishing a job at the same time.

--Today we discovered that my husband needs to have surgery. The question is, can it wait until we are moved, which won't be for another couple of months? We are traveling until then. Should it wait? Can we squeeze it in while visiting family in the U.S.? What will the recovery be like? Who will take care of the kids? Can we leave for the U.S. earlier than expected and have it done there? If we have it done here, will he be able to fly home as scheduled, or do we need to stay here for longer? And so on. And that's without even freaking out about the actual surgery itself. Oh, and I told him MONTHS ago he needed to see a doctor. Sigh. Husbands!

I guess I should probably get back to one of the million things I am supposed to be doing.