Saturday, March 22, 2008

The beginning. . .

Welcome to my world! You are probably wondering what's going on in this strange new land, so without further delay, let me show you around.

I'm Queenie. I'm in my mid-30's, and spent the better part of the last decade and a half focusing on my Career. I've been with my amazing, patient, hilarious husband Terrific T. for more than a decade. He's in his early 40's. Terrific T. and I had talked about kids before, but weren't entirely committed to having them. They'd always been kind of a "maybe some day" prospect. Then one day last spring, one of my crazy pals from my college days who's also been focused on her Career and Life, but most definitely not Babies, announced she was PG. All of a sudden, I sat up and yelled "HOLY SHIT, BATMAN, I FORGOT TO HAVE A BABY! I DO want one, I DO." (Said in exactly the tone of voice Dorothy uses while trying to will herself back home to Kansas.) Silly that this made me sit up and take notice, but that's how it was. Even sillier that this happened at a Red Sox game. But nonetheless, we were off to the races.

Or so we thought. . .being the neurotic Type A that I am, we of course PLANNED. I went off the pill and bought the Clearblue Easy Fertility Monitor and a temping thermometer and Taking Charge of Your Fertility and a bunch of other books. (I LOVE the monitor, by the way. . .SO much fun to pee on sticks. . .makes me feel like I am DOING something every month, and oh by the way, it WORKS). Didn't love temping so much. . .but I'm lazy. But anyway, thanks to my expensive-but-adored monitor, along the way I learned that I O late (CD 21, generally, for those of you with your scorecards out), and we had perfectly timed sex, and got PG within a couple of months.

Now, I must admit, dear reader, that I was smugly proud of myself. I, a highly educated woman who waited far too long to have a child, analytically figured out how to get PG. I "did it" by the book, and I got knocked up in record time, despite my decrepit eggs. We were going to have a perfectly timed baby, who was scheduled to arrive just before I embarked on a Major Project at work. We had daycare lined up. We had schedules worked out. Our lives were not going to slow down for a minute. It was all just PERFECT. Until all of a sudden, it wasn't.

Just prior to embarking on a Significant Project at work, which was going to keep me highly busy for about 6 weeks, I experienced heavy brown spotting. I knew something was wrong, but I read book after book, and they all said that some spotting was normal. I didn't believe them. We went to the doctor several days later, at around 8 weeks, and had an ultrasound. Sure enough, Fetus had died around 6 weeks.

I have a terrible confession to make, dear reader. I couldn't deal with it at that point. I turned to T. and said something really awful like "I can't talk to you about this right now because I can't cry, because I have to go to work and make a bunch of arrangements so I can have the D&C." And I did. I went to work. I had a meeting. A couple of days later, I had a D&C. And then I went back to work, and was completely and utterly consumed with the Significant Project for many weeks on end. I was not there for poor Terrific T. at all. I am a very bad person indeed. But (whispering, here), I simply could not deal, and with Significant Project looming, I didn't have to.

Significant Project ended, and despite the fact that I was a complete fucking mess the whole time and did about half as much work as I normally would have on such a project, it was a wild success. Slowly, I dealt with the m/c. We weren't able to TTC again for months, because AF didn't show for about three months. During my first cycle "on" again, I had a really short LP, which freaked me out. Then, I had a ridiculously loooong cycle, where I didn't O until CD28. But after that, I had several reasonably normal cycles, and March marked our first month TTC again since the m/c. And here we are.

So, now that you know a little about the world you've entered, do you think you want to hang around for a while? Here's what's coming up, if you do:

I've come to realize that:

1. My life is wildly out of balance. My Career gets most of my time and energy. I love it. . .I'm OBSESSED with it, but that's really not such a good thing. I need more balance. So, I'll be blogging about my quest for a less crazy, more normal and very happy life.

2. I really, really want a baby. But, I have a Major Project coming up, and I waffle about whether it's such a good idea to be PG during Major Project. It could be unhealthy. There will be nights (possibly many) where I will get only 4-5 hours of sleep. But then, I know plenty of PG women that complain about only getting that much sleep anyway (particularly the ones with little kids). A lot of people don't understand why my job even factors into the equation. If you are one of those people, plese keep your criticism to yourself. If you, too, aren't obsessed with your career, it's simply not a part of your genetic makeup, and you probably won't understand. Anyway, I'll be obsessing about the quest for baby, set against the backdrop of my continued quest for a successful career.

3. And then there's Borneo, and I want that, too. Or Belize. Or the Bahamas. Or Bahrain. . .and lots of places that don't start with "B.," but the alliteration was really working for me. . .Anyway, after the Major Project is over, I have an opportunity to take a chunk of time off from work. This may not sound like a big deal to you, dear reader, but remember that I've been a slave to my Career for more than a decade. Terrific T. and I have talked a lot about taking an extended trip, if only we could get off the time. And all of a sudden, it's a very real possibility. So, late fall-early next winter, we could have 5-6 weeks to DO WHATEVER WE WANT. Tempting, isn't it? But of course, if PG, we won't be going anywhere. I'm considering it out TTC booby prize. I'll be dreaming/plannning/musing about THAT option, too, because it's just pure heaven to think about.

So anyway, hope you'll stick around.

1 comment:

HeidiM said...

Hi, just found your blog on stirrup queens. I, too, am career obsessed and waiting for normality in my body after a D&C to continue TTC. Just wanted to say hi, and I enjoyed reading your blog, I can relate to much of it exceptionally well (whether fortunate or not).