Sunday, October 5, 2008

I did a bad, bad thing

While out celebrating some good news with friends and family last night, someone thought celebratory shots were in order. As the age range at the table was late 30's to late 50's, this was an irrational move, at best. Add both wine and beer into the mix, take into account my recent weight loss. . .you know where this is going. I got a little happier than may have been advisable. And of course, I wasn't tired when I got home, so I popped my new Netflix in. Which happened to be Juno. It really wasn't a good combination. I almost had to get out of bed to come find my friends inside the computer in the middle of the night. I went from happy to psychotic in very short order. I feel like crap this morning for so many reasons. . .

Actually, it's been brewing for a while. The Big Project is still in full swing, and I have to say, it's been a rough enough ride that I'm questioning every choice I've made in the last year with regard to my career and my pursuit of motherhood. After the miscarriage last summer, I went three months without getting my period, and then we took some time off from trying to conceive, so that I would be available for this project and not off having a baby. And then I had a ton of unrelated health issues, and we had to stop trying for a while because of that. As I continue on this wild ride with the Big Project, I keep thinking "was this worth it?" Worth putting off having a child? Worth the sacrifice I may have made, as the clock keeps tick-tick-ticking? Did I compromise forever my ability to have a child, by waiting during those precious months? Should I have been more aggressive in seeking out treatment after my miscarriage? Should I have been more focused in my pursuit of a child?

I put my personal life on hold because I believed in the Big Project, and because I thought it was the right thing to do on so many levels. It was something I wanted to do, and something I thought I should do. I thought it was important work. I knew it was something that a lot of other people were unwilling or unable to do. I knew that I was uniquely positioned, and I knew I had the skill set to do it. It made sense to me, and I made my choices accordingly.

But now, I just don't know. I'm starting to see my own logic as flawed. I see how much it costs me, day-in, day-out, to be working on this. And unfortunately, I'm also seeing just how little anyone but a select few seem to care about the hardship that I have gone through--and continue to go through--to work on this project. Doing what is right is not always easy, and it becomes exponentially harder when the people who should care, don't. I just keep thinking, I put my life on hold for THIS? Don't get me wrong--I know that I am doing the "right" thing by tackling this project, when I look at it in a vacuum. It's just that when I add in all of the other stuff, I start to wonder about the value of doing the "right" thing on a global scale, when weighed against the cost to me personally. I would like to think that putting others' interests ahead of my own has inherent value. But I'm starting to wonder whether I am just a damn fool.

4 comments:

Manda said...

Oh honey... I've got zero advice (or even assvice). Just know I'm here. I'm listening.

VA Blondie said...

It can be tough when you are second-guessing yourself and your choices. We put off trying IF treatment for various reasons, and now are in a waiting period until we can start. I am 34, and the biological clock is ticking loudly.

I wish I had something useful to say. So I guess I will say that I understand where you are coming from, and I hear you.

JamieD said...

It is so easy to look back on choices I have made and have regrets. If wishes were fishes then we'd all cast nets.

Every day you wake up it is an opportunity to make new choices. I vote for: wrap up new project and use Borneo to relax and come up with a new game plan. It sounds like you know what you want and I know you have what it takes to make it happen.

Ugh - I ~hate~ being a sloppy, sad drunk. And how is it you can go from dancing on tables, loving life drunk to sad drunk wanting to call everyone you know at 3am? What's in that stuff?!?!

Heather said...

Don't beat yourself up too much. I strongly believe everything happens for a reason. However, that doesn't mean you can't change how you begin to live your life from now on! Lots of luck!