Saturday, October 18, 2008

Trying Times

The end is in sight. The Big Project looks like it's FINALLY winding down. I expect it will wrap up in a couple more weeks. I can't even tell you how excited I am. There are some things in life that look infinitely better in hindsight than they ever felt in actuality, and this project is definitely one of them.

As we reach the end, my focus is of course turning back toward my other big project. I am incredibly unhealthy right now. My BMI is 16.9, which is underweight. I'm feeling rotten, I've barely been sleeping, etc. I look like I've aged about 10 years in the last few months. I am all angles--bony and pale and giant circles under my eyes. I look horrid. I had assumed we would TTC again as soon as I finished the BP, but I just don't think I can launch into it right now. I think I need a month of sleeping, eating, and relaxing, before I jack myself up on Clomid. I don't think I can deal with the hormones and the anxiety of trying right now. The rollercoaster of hope in a "trying" month is more stressful to me than not trying at all. While we have been "trying" for the last few months, I've been so distracted and so sure it wouldn't work that it didn't feel like we were trying. But once the BP is done and we start with the Clomid, I will no doubt be obsessed again, and every BFN will surely be like swallowing broken glass.

I've actually been thinking a lot lately about that very issue--of how much more it hurts to try and have it not work, than to not try at all. I keep wondering how this is all going to work out for us, in the end. I keep thinking about the possibility that it will never work out. It made me realize that it would be infinitely easier to have lived childless if we had never even tried, than it would be after trying but not succeeding. I can't uncast the die, obviously, but I have been wondering how I will get back to that place where my life was just fine without kids, if in fact we don't get there.

When I was a kid, I used to love those books where you got to choose your own path (ie, if you want Option A to happen, go to page 56; if you want Option B, go to page 84). I think I loved them because if I didn't like the ending, I could go back and choose a different path, and it was like the story never happened the other way. Sometimes I sort of wish life was like that--that you could know the end before you started, so you could make a more liveable choice in the beginning.


Io said...

Yay - I'm so glad the BP is almost over. I think taking a bit of a rest afterward to make yourself healthy is a good idea. Hormones are screwy enough: To do them when you aren't feeling your best? Bah.
Take care of yourself.

And those Choose your own Adventure books? I would try and read all the paths at once at get lost before I got to any ending. So telling.

Me said...

I've contemplated the Other Path myself a lot in the recent past. What if we hadn't began TTC in October of 2005... If we had never started TTC then the last two years of IF hell that I've lived in (alone) while my husband weathered his illness (alone) would not have existed. Perhaps our marriage would not have been so rocky. Perhaps the lonely pain inked on each of our hearts would not be there. Perhaps my business would have grown more. Perhaps I would be a less bitter and jaded individual. Alas I can not go back. :(