Well Baby Visit, Thoughts on Babies, My Neuroses and More

Miss M had her 15 month appointment today. She hasn't really grown in the last three months, which we knew (freaks me out, though). She is gaining weight on the same trajectory as she's been on for the last 4 months or so (we've been going in once a month for a weight check). She also got her pc vaccine today. She cried bitterly for a few minutes, which was the first time in a long time a shot has made her cry. And then, it was loads of happiness over all the trucks in the waiting room. At least the sadness doesn't last long!

While I was there, I also asked about my rubella immunity. When I had my first pregnancy (which ended in my first m/c), my rubella immunity was fine, but when I later was pregnant with Miss M, it was wonky. I declined to have the vaccine while in the hospital, and meant to have it rechecked a while back. But then I got the job and moved, and it kind of got lost in the chaos. Now that we are thinking about #2, I want to be sure that's squared away. I also got a list of recommended OB's in my current area. Not surprisingly, almost all of them are male, or practice with men. That's one area I just can't cave on. Male OB's freak me out. I just can't have one. It's not a modesty thing, but rather an issue of not wanting someone to treat me who doesn't have those kind of parts. I've had a few bad experiences in the stirrups with male doctors, and now I have a rule that you have to know what a speculum feels like in order to use one on me.

I can tell that I'm finally heading in the direction of a normal cycle. I would guess AF will be here in a week or so. I think I might actually be ovulating right now. Which is probably far too much information for YOU, but this will serve as a note for me when I wonder three weeks from now how long my LP was.

I am still mulling over the timing of #2. A lot of people (including my boss!) have asked me about it lately. Two-ish years would be a really perfect amount of time between kids. I remember talking to my old OB after my miscarriage, and about whether we could/should wait another year after that to start trying to have a family, and about the fact that we wanted more than one. Her advice was basically that a) we knew that I COULD get pregnant, so that was a positive, and while there are no guarantees, b) I could have one at 37 and one at 39, and it would still work. It didn't sound like she really thought I should go beyond that, though. And well, we had one when I was 37.

I've been trying to figure out why I feel so stuck in place on this issue. It's because Miss M feels like such a gift. I am so focused on her. She is just such a joy. She's such a happy, amusing child, and I'm completely enjoying her. Which, on the one hand, suggests that we should have another so there twice the joy, and also so is a bit more balance there and she doesn't turn into a spoiled freaky child. But on the other hand, it's hard for me to imagine what happens with a second child. How do you make each child feel special? How do you keep each child from feeling neglected? I know, I am such a neurotic freak (I am also trying to become a closet freak so I do not impart my many neuroses on my daughter. . .)

Despite my neuroses, I'm starting to imagine what it will be like to have a baby in the house again. It's starting to feel a bit more real, a bit less theoretical. But still pretty theoretical. If I have a normal-ish cycle soon, it will probably feel a bit more possible.

By the way, I've been blogging a lot at night, when everyone is fast asleep, which is also when I'm deliriously exhausted. . .which is a long way of saying that I know I'm rambling and not being clear in some of my posts. Which brings me back to my last post. I'm not so much envious of the man's money, as I am feeling a little out of sorts and mulling over the issue of what it means to belong. Work things have been bringing it on, primarily. It just seems like some people never struggle to belong--they are always on the inside. I have never been one of those people, and I doubt I ever will be. I am hard wired to be a girl from a blue collar family who has worked her butt off for everything she has. On the other hand, I suppose that from the outside, there are loads of people who probably think that I am that person who effortlessly belongs. It's all a matter of perspective, I suppose.