Plodding Along

It is sooooo quiet in my house.

T. and Miss M. left a few days ago. We've been Skyping at night, which helps a bit. She is incredibly adorable when we chat, reaching her arms out for a hug as though I can dive through the computer, and pointing around and using all of the new words she has learned since being there ("boat!" ; "grandpa!"). It is lovely, and heartbreaking. I miss them.

During last night's call, I inadvertently discovered that something must have happened to my cat, who has been living with my mother-in-law. It is now clear to me that he's dead. I've thought something was wrong for a while now, but was afraid to ask. I didn't want to know. When I realized it last night, it made me sob. My boys both left me far too soon. I miss my cats. It just breaks my heart.

But I can't dwell on the sadness. I need to keep myself busy and distracted--two more weeks to go here by myself! And let's see, I have my (solo) birthday and my (solo) CVS to look forward to, so yay for that (not really).

The good news is that I was finally able to get in to see the specialist on Monday. He was kind, and prescribed me what I needed without making me undergo any horrible tests (except for $300 in bloodwork that I had to pay up front for). I am feeling much better, although still pretty bloated. Or maybe that's just the pregnancy. I am truly enormous. My work clothes don't fit, and I've had to dive into the smaller of my maternity pants. Thank god for stretchy waists and flowy tops. I am seriously ginormous.

As I sat there waiting for the nurse to draw the blood, I started stressing. I just really didn't want to be there. I wanted to run away. I most definitely didn't want to be poked with a needle. But I sat there and started dreading my CVS appointment, which will be exponentially worse. It was bearable when T. was there to squeeze my hand and make sure I stayed in my happy place. I don't know how to do this by myself. I can't imagine being there without support. But, then the blood was drawn and it was all over, and I wondered what I'd even been tense about. I'm hoping the CVS will be like the blood draw--that the anticipation will be much worse than the reality.

Tomorrow I will be 10 weeks. Just a week and a half until my CVS. But 10 weeks. It's flying by. I'm still doing well--some odd stretchy pain across my belly from time to time, but that's it. But, I am also still having a hard time connecting with this pregnancy. I just can't let myself, not yet, which is just so sad. I am waiting for something to be wrong. I haven't been talking about it, but T. must know that I'm worried, because he kindly left me a card in a drawer, which he directed me to last night. It said many lovely things, including that he knows the baby is going to be just fine. I can't quite take his words as true, but his kindness lit up my night.

I miss them.