Guilty Little Pleasures

Two of the things I miss most about not being in the US (other than friends and family, of course) is good Tex-Mex and bad tv. Yesterday we got a healthy dose of both, and it was pretty amazing.

I've always had something of an affinity for Latin America. When I was in high school, people thought it was silly that I was studying Spanish instead of French; a couple of decades later, immigration and migration patterns have made me look pretty smart. Along with language and culture, Latinos have dumped fantastic cuisine into the melting pot, and I think it's become a part of American culture to a point where we don't even think about it. Even in the Northeastern part of the US, this is true. But here in western Europe, there are very few people from Latin America, and hence, there is no decent Latin American cuisine. I'm in a major city, and I can probably count all of the Mexican restaurants on one hand. We've scoured the city for decent Mexican. I can't even find jalapenos fresh at the market (and at home, I cooked with them every week!). I asked my secretary if she had any idea where to find them, and she had no idea what I was even talking about!

So it was a pretty big deal last weekend when we finally checked out a restaurant we'd heard about, and it turned out to even be pretty good--the best Mexican food we've been able to find. It was so good that we went back this weekend, and I happily paid 15$ for two small fish tacos while T. scarfed down a $12 steak burrito. Our bill, for chips, salsa, guacamole, a soda, a mojito, a cheese quesadilla, a burrito and my two tacos, was $60, including tip, but it was worth every last penny. Heaven! (As a side note, it is insanely expensive here, and I can tell from my willingness to spend $15 on tacos that I really have been here for a while.)

Miss M was hilarious at the restaurant. She loves the chips, and would eat little bits of quesadilla, but was mostly too delighted to be sitting at the table to really eat. They had cool high chairs that pulled right up to the table, and she was loving it. I tried to give her guacamole, and she REALLY didn't like it (no worries--it wasn't at all spicy). She was trying to scrape it off her tongue to get it out of her mouth. My husband doesn't like avocados, either, so I guess she's taking after daddy on that.

Don't tell anyone, but last summer, we became totally hooked on that ridiculous show called "Pretty Lit.tle Liars." Sadly, they've only been showing last summer's episodes here. Although there is a lot of American television on cable here, it's ridiculous how far behind it runs from the U.S. schedule. For a few shows, we get the episodes just a few weeks later, but more often, it's MONTHS. We hadn't seen a new episode of PLL since last August, and today T. mentioned the show, so I looked it up online. Where have we been? It's been airing in the US since January! Sadly, we can't stream it from any of the free sites, because they require you to be in the US (damn licensing laws!). So, we bought a couple of episodes from i.Tunes and indulged. It's so bad, but so delicious. (Who is A? What does he/she want? It's clearly not Toby or his creepy sister, given the last episode. Is it Noah, or is that just another ruse? No, don't tell me--I still have this entire season to watch!)

PS I started the Clo.mid. It's a little weird to be taking in on CD2. Like, I already have to deal with my period--it feels a little unfair to be struck with it and Clo.mid at the same time. The good news is that it was inexpensive. They gave me the entire prescription (for 6 months worth) all at once, and it was only about $40 US for all of it. I didn't even both to use my health insurance, which would have only doled it out one month at a time, and charged me a copay of $10 each month. It made me wonder how much of a medication's actual cost is covered or even exceeded by copays.

The Plan, Stan

I had an interesting visit with the doctor yesterday.

I had the last appointment of the day, but she was running right on time. Doctors visits that I have experienced here have been distinctly different from the U.S.. The doctor came to the reception area herself and greeted me. She is maybe ten years older than I am, and was very cool. She took me into her office, which had the setup I've come to expect: there is an examining table, AND the doctor's desk, chairs, etc. We sat down and chatted for maybe 20 or 30 minutes about my history. It was mostly a good discussion, except for the part where she seemed a little discouraging about having a second child at all (she questioned why I wanted a second child, and said she was "still traumatized" by her children's toddlerhood--but, she and her husband are both doctors, so it was chaotic). I thought that was a little. . .odd. But, whatever. She did the usual exam, in the same office (no stirrups, which struck me as unusual), and also did an ultrasound to check my lining and ovaries. She had a little tiny laptop-like setup right there, which was kind of cool. Then I got dressed, and we talked for a while longer.

She said that everything looks really good, and that my system is clearly finally responding hormonally. She said I got a really slow start post-breastfeeding, but she's happy that everything is working now. We talked a lot about Clo.mid, and whether I should use it. She didn't really have any concerns about using it at my age. She said it affects everyone differently, in terms of how it works and what its effect is on the lining. And, I did get pregnant both times I used it before (although, one of those pregnancies didn't stick). After doing the full exam, she said that she was fine with either prescribing it, or waiting and seeing how things went. She thought both were reasonable options. We also talked about my timeframe, and how we'll be moving again during the fall of 2012, likely to a place with a less robust medical system. In light of that, she recommended using the Clo.mid now, to "regulate" things and really get things going. She gave me a prescription for 6 MONTHS of the stuff (!!), for use on days 2-6, although I used it on days 5-9 in the past. She said that there are different protocols for how to use it, which I was aware of, and she believes in prescribing it for 2-6. I'm fine with that. She also said that they usually do a scan around CD12, to make sure that you aren't producing too many eggs. Unfortunately (well, not really!), we're headed out on vacation next week, and won't be around on CD12. She said that was fine. And, $700 later, I was on my way. (I have to pay up front, and then try to get reimbursed by my insurance company.) I feel like I got my money's worth, though, as that covered the visit, the ultrasound, and the cost of the pap smear analysis--plus, I was there with her for about an hour.

Then this morning, I got my period. I can't believe the timing. That means Clo.mid starts. . .tomorrow!

So all in all, I feel really good about things. I found a doctor I really like, I have answers, and a plan. When I met up with T. and Miss M. after my appointment, he also was really relieved to have a plan. He's anxious to have a second child, and glad to just have a timeframe and a plan finally in place.

I must say, though, that I am suddenly having a little anxiety about twins. Clo.mid increases the possibility to 5-10%. If it had happened the first time, I would have been perfectly happy with that (although, no doubt been a nervous freak about carrying a twin pregnancy, given the increased risks). Now that we have Miss M. (and know what we're in for by adding a single baby), the idea of twins freaks me out a little. At the same time, we would obviously be thrilled, particularly T. So much joy! We are also in the enviable position of being able to have him stay home with the kids, and we will likely be able to afford to hire an extra pair of hands. But still. . .that's a lot of chaos on so many levels.

Now I have to deal with one of the odd issues that only comes up when you are trying to create a baby. . .we're taking my step-sister on vacation with us, as her graduation gift. We are really excited to see her, and to be able to share this incredible adventure with her. She has her own room for most of the trip, but for our very last night, we were just going to grab a triple, because we've had trouble finding a place that has two rooms at a reasonable price. But, now that my period has arrived, the last night of our vacation is CD15, which means we kind of need our own room. But, not such a bad "problem" to have!

Appointment

I've had a little trouble making the appointment for my annual exam. Last week was crazy at work, and it just didn't happen. When I finally connected today with the office of the doctor I had chosen, it turned out that she is on sabbatical. . .in the Middle East. So much for all of the agonizing I did over selecting a doctor. You'd think that her website might mention that she's not currently accepting new patients.

I called the second choice on my list, and it turned out that they have a cancellation for tomorrow. Hopefully, AF will hold off for long enough. I realized I'd forgotten something in my last post--it wasn't just that I had late ovulation, but also that I had a really short luteal phase. If I ovulated normally last Monday or Tuesday, I seem to be back on track, as far as that is concerned, which is a huge relief.

So, that's my news. GYN appointment tomorrow, and hopefully, that will lead to a doctor I like, and a plan.

Patience or Action?

My original plan had been to finish nursing, wait to get my period, see new OB/GYN for annual exam and discussion about TTC#2, and then TTC#2. Only, it took longer to get my period than I thought it would after we stopped nursing, and I ovulated really late once my period finally started again (ie, CD-26-ish). Now I'm wondering if I should still stick with the original plan. I'm worried that the doctor will recommend a wait-and-see approach to my cycle. Maybe not, but I'm worried about it. My old RE was very clear that ovulation that late means poor egg quality. Dr. Google, however, has just found another RE who states for all the internet to see that EARLY ovulation means failing ovarian reserve, and delayed means good ovarian reserve and does not relate to egg quality at all. Hrmmm. . . It's a little maddening.

I found a fertility clinic here in my city which I could go to, for a more definitive answer. They'd do a fertility workup for a relatively small amount of money. That might not be necessary, at this point, but at least it would give me some peace of mind about hormone levels (or, not). I'd probably have to pay out of pocket and get reimbursed (oh, the joys of American health insurance in a foreign land), but it's doable out of pocket, and my insurance would likely reimburse. I feel a little silly about that, though, like I'm jumping the gun.

I could see the OB/GYN first and see what she says about late ovulation and Clo.mid, but that means I lose another cycle. At least theoretically, I should get my period this week. I think I could get in and get the fertility testing done at the beginning of this cycle, but there's no way to get in and see the OB/GYN AND get the fertility testing done. There isn't time. It's a little crazy-making--I wish I'd anticipated this. I just though things would be different this time. I'm starting at a healthier weight, I've been taking good care of myself. It's supposed to be different! Except, I'm also two years older. And yet, I'm still really optimistic about all of this. I have no idea why.

I hate this part, the part where you don't know what's going on and you don't yet have a doctor or a plan. I know it will get squared away, and soon. But until then, I'm second-guessing myself every two minutes. Right this minute, I think I will probably see the OB/GYN first, and go from there. But five minutes from now, who knows?

Balance

Sometimes, only time can give you perspective. Certain ideas, thoughts, and experiences need to ripen in order to be understood and appreciated. I suspect that this was one of those weeks for me.

The thought has crossed my mind more than once recently that in leaving one career behind for another, I left good things behind with the bad. One of the things that I sometimes miss is the intellectual challenge of my old job, although enough time has passed that I recognize that the challenge was both good and bad for me. When you have worked hard at something, something difficult, and you have excelled at it, there is a certain satisfaction to it. Of course, the ugly truth is that there is a often a cost to excelling at something hard--it takes blood and sweat and tears and time, and more often than not, you sacrifice your personal life at the alter of success. My current job is interesting and unique and often fun. It is sometimes intellectually challenging. But. . .sometimes I'm bored, and mostly, it's not overly difficult for me. Which is sort of one of the reasons I chose it, because on the other hand, I am not sacrificing my personal life. Just the opposite, in fact--I'm home for dinner (almost) every night, and we do things as a family every weekend. My husband says he's seen me more in the last year than in all of the time we've been together (well over a decade).

However, over this last week or so, I was working on a big project, and it was intense and fun and interesting and unique (although, also not exactly intellectually challenging). I was perfectly competent at it, and people seemed to appreciate that, but. . .it was pretty much just logistics on my end, lists and phone calls and moving pieces around the chess board. What I highly enjoyed, though, was not so much the actual job, but the pace, which was crazy. It was all very intense and last minute and rush-rush-rush, with lots of moving parts, and I LOVED that. It reminded me, just a tiny bit, of one of the things I truly loved about my old job. I am an adrenaline junky. I like the fast pace. I thrive on chaos. I like to walk the tight rope without a net. I thought, ah, THIS is what I've been missing lately. With a little more of THIS, I would be so happy.

But.

As much as I thrive in high-pressure situations, it was also equally clear to me how toxic it is for me to be in them. It's so addictive. . .like a drug, I become all-consumed by it. Time melts away, I become intensely focused, even forgetting to eat. I love how brightly the candle burns when there is a goal in sight and you can go after it all-out. Yet, late nights arrivals home and early morning departures are not what I want for my child on a regular basis. I will not be that kind of parent. That is part of the reason I turned the page a year ago.

And I realized this week how different my life is now. I loved many things about my old job, my old life, but it was like I was living in black and white. It was very, very good. But now, with Miss M, I have a happy little family, and my life has sprung forward in full color, and it is so much better than before. There is a texture, a richness that I never knew existed before she came into our world. I wouldn't trade it for anything. The intellectual challenges of the past, the fast pace, the adrenaline. . .it's fun, but it's like great sex. You enjoy it in the moment, but you can't build a life on just that. There must be more.

So it has me thinking a lot, about the tension of thriving off something that is also not good for me, and where I go from here. My current assignment ends in another year or so, and I have a chance to do something more intellectually challenging at that point. Questions abound, though, as to whether I can take up something more complicated, without also sacrificing my personal life. There is the very real possibility that while some people may be able to do hard work and work very hard without making personal sacrifices, there may be unique quirks of my personality that make it impossible for me to find a happy medium between serious work and a full family life. I may only be capable of jumping off the cliff and leaping all-consumed into professional challenges, rather than wading in up to my ankles.

Hmmm.

PS My fertility monitor finally gave up on ovulation, and flashes that annoying little "m" at me every morning, taunting me that I'm supposed to have my period already. My painful ovaries, however, have told me that I finally ovulated around CD26 or 27.

Making Changes

While I was in the bookstore searching for a new book that the latest issue of InStyle claims is THE style guide, I discovered a section called "tragic life stories." You know, "fiction," "home decorating," "tragic life stories." I'm not kidding. It was full of books that had pictures of angelic looking children on the covers, and the books were all essentially about how they died. There were many, many dozens of titles on the shelves. WTF??! I was completely horrified. And I didn't find the style book, either.

I was searching for the book because Operation Self-Renovation is well underway. Well, I spent a day shopping, which is practically the same thing. Thank goodness Miss M is a delightful little shopper. I browsed magazines, I searched the stores, and I have ideas for a few new purchases (which I haven't committed to yet. . .I wanted to get an overview first of just how dreadful my current wardrobe is--it's not too bad, actually). I'm in need of some new shoes, some new belts, and some new weekend clothes.

Although I didn't actually commit to any clothes this weekend, I bought new lipstick. Two, in fact, both of them perfect shades, one neutral and one very, very red. I heart them. They are a local drugstore brand, but creamy and moisturizing with just the right amount of color in them. I scored a very good new mascara, too. I've never become married to a mascara brand, so I try a new one every time. This one seems like it might be a keeper, but I need a few more days in it. My lashes look great, but I'm also all about the staying power when it comes to mascara. I'm not sure what I do to it, but I manage to end up with half of it under my eyes halfway through the day, if it's not the "right" kind. It's like my eyelashes sweat.

Here's what I have discovered so far, during my mission: style-wise, the universe seems to have fallen into the realm of 1984-1990. I am a serious saver. If I MIGHT need it someday, I pack it neatly away to a location I am sure to never remember. I have saved all of my clothes (unless worn out) for YEARS. But, before I moved here, I cleared away all of my outdated fashion items, from cutoff jean shorts to palazzo pants, because they were so. . .1984-1990. And now everywhere I turn, gah. . .cutoff jeans and palazzo pants. I just read a magazine article oohing and ahhing over Rachel Bilson in a hideous floral dress and a black blazer. It was like Laura Ashley plus Armani. . .awful. Everywhere I turn, this is what I find. I think my utter lack of style might be preferable. But, I'm still shopping.

As for my hair, I don't think I'm so far off. It's really long right now--maybe 6 inches or so past my shoulders, and wavy. I'm probably just going to cut a couple of inches off the bottom. I'm thinking about some long bangs that I can sweep to one side, but I'm on the fence about those. I haven't had bangs since high school. Once I realized what a pain it was to grow them out again, I never wanted to risk bangs. But it's just hair, and I'm toying with the idea.

I didn't make any major makeup purchases this weekend, because it was more than I was up for. The makeup counters were mobbed, and I just wasn't in the mood (other than lipstick and mascara, which were easy purchases). Eye shadow and foundationy products always confuse me. I need a lot of help with finding the right shade.

In other news, I still haven't ovulated, and I'm on CD24 or something horrid like that. I still haven't picked a doctor. I might just go with my gut. It's just one appointment, at this point, and I might as well test drive the doctor at a time when it won't matter if we don't connect. I have a crazy week coming up at work (more successful people, more famous people, oh joy!), so it will be next week before I can find time for an appointment (assuming I can even get one that quickly--my old practice was booked waaaay in advance). And right now, I'm falling asleep over the keys, so it's off to bed for me.

Travel Tuesday: Where to Stay

Welcome to my new project, Travel Tuesdays!

I have been doing a fair bit of traveling since we moved here. I've always loved to explore new places, and I am a bit of an armchair traveler regardless, always reading travel stories and travel guides and doing a bit of planning in my head for that next trip. I've picked up some useful tips along the way. I thought it might be interesting/helpful for others with small children to hear about our experiences traveling with a toddler, and to here my tips and tricks for making it work. We take Miss M. pretty much everywhere, so I'll be covering all sorts of topics. And T. is so entirely sick of listening to me talk about the trips I'm currently planning, so I sort of need a new audience!

First up: Lodging.

It goes without saying that one of the biggest components of travel costs, after transportation, is lodging. I have three core approaches to lodging, as follows:

1. I generally start by reviewing guidebooks and online listings regarding hostels in the area I will be traveling to. Although I'm a bit old to stay in a hostel dorm room, and most hostels don't allow toddlers in their dorm rooms anyway, many hostels DO also have double or family rooms. It's worth checking out this option, as you can sometimes find really cool options which are also VERY inexpensive. The downside to this option is that they are often booked way, way in advance, as hostels tend to have only a small amount of such rooms on offer. It's always worth a shot, though. Plus, hostels tend to have cool community living rooms and kitchens that you can use, and we've met loads of interesting people that way.

2. My second stop is usually Price.line. But wait. . .I don't just go on Price.line and bid. I have developed a STRATEGY, based on a very helpful website called Better Bidding. The website is useful in a few different ways: first, it has entire sections devoted to areas where you might want to bid (each American state, Caribbean, "other countries", etc.). Say you want to travel to Boston. You can look under Massachusetts, and then see what deals people have scored recently (or during the same month last year or the year before) for Boston hotels, so you have a ballpark estimate on the amount of money you might need to bid to be successful (if you've ever bid on Price.line, you know why this is important. . .you can only bid so many times before you have to wait 24 hours to lodge another bid). The Better Bidding website also has reviews of hotels, as well as lists of what hotels Price.line has put in which zone, and what classification (how many stars) Price.line has given those hotels, so you have some inside information on how to bid on a hotel that you actually want. But, perhaps most useful is the part of the site that talks STRATEGY. You see, Price.line is based on zones. Let's say there are five zones in the city you are bidding. You can actually play with the zones to discover whether there are any four or five star hotels in those zones. If there are NOT, you have basically won yourself the ability to bid an extra time without adding a zone. So, say you want to stay in the "center city" zone, but looking at "really far away from center" zone, you notice that it has no 5* hotels, nor does "north of center." You bid $70 on 5* hotels in "center city." If you win, great, but if rejected, you can take another bite at the apple right away. You add a second zone ("really far away from center"), because you know it has no 5* hotels, and bid $80 (you are still only bidding on "center city", because "really far away" has no 5* hotels. . .but Price.line doesn't recognize that and lets you bid a second time, anyway). If rejected, you then bid a third time, adding "north of center," because it also doesn't have any 5* hotels. And so on. If you are reasonably accurate in your initial assessment of what a successful bid will be, by looking at prior bidders winning bids on the Better Bidding website, you can usually use this strategy to land yourself a good deal. If you cannot, it's likely you are bidding during busy season, or in a really expensive city. Sometimes hotels will also pop up few weeks down the road, if you can wait a bit longer.

Some caveats about this: I only bid on 4 star and 5 star hotels on Price.line, because I think quality just gets too unreliable when you go down to 3 star hotels, and although Better Bidding also gives you info on Hot.wire, I never use it, as I don't think the deals are as good (if you are so inclined, however, Better Bidding can help you figure out what Hot.wire hotel you are bidding on, BEFORE you bid on it). I have stayed in very nice places all over, using the aforementioned Price.line strategy. Most recently, we paid $85 for a newly renovated hotel in Brussels which had a fantastic pool. The best available rate online was about $140. I really, really wanted a hotel with an indoor pool, and was fairly confident that I could get this one, based on my Better Bidding research, and was thrilled when it worked out.

3. My third go-to option for finding reasonably priced lodging is to rent an apartment. Pretty much every area that caters to tourists has short-term apartments for rent. We just stayed at a gorgeous place in Amsterdam, with a small yard, huge living room, full kitchen and bedroom, for less than we would have paid for a crappy hotel room per night. We never could have afforded to stay at a 4* hotel in Amsterdam--even the budget places were crazy expensive. From the apartment we rented, we could walk to tourist locations, and we were also right near a tram. It was perfect in every way. It was beautifully decorated, and the owner had left maps and other materials there for our use. It had a television, cd player, cd's, books, linens for our use, pots, pans, dishes, dishwasher, and all of the usual appliances. It was really fantastic.

I was resistant to renting apartments for a long time because I was concerned about getting conned, but it's so much more convenient than a hotel when you have a small child. You can keep things in the fridge, and eat meals on your own schedule. It's nice to have coffee in your own place in the morning while the baby plays. Having a kitchen also saves you money. I do like a good meal out when I travel, but it's so much easier to be able to have some meals at home. As far as eating meals out go, I find it's generally cheaper to splash out on a big meal at lunch than dinner, anyway, and then have a simple supper at home. You get to enjoy the local cuisine at a fraction of the price of dinner--and, restaurants are more open to toddlers at lunch than dinner!

I find apartments by locating a reputable rental agency, and checking through their listings for something that meets my budget. I'm not too particular on number of bedrooms, since it's sometimes cheaper to rent a two bedroom than a one bedroom. I more look at overall price, the location of the apartment, and the location of the places that I would like to visit in the city. Again, I consult guidebooks and online message boards to find good rental agencies. I also try to find reviews of individual apartments from people who have rented the apartments in the past. Note that an apartment might be listed by different/competing rental agencies for different prices. I discovered two agencies were renting a unit that I liked for an upcoming Italian vacation, and there was a 60% difference in price between the two agencies! So, it's worth googling the name of the property to see if anyone else has it listed for a better price. However, note that some rental properties might be rented under multiple names by different/competing agencies for marketing reasons, which can make it a bit hard to compare prices. I only found the two agencies were both marketing the property I was interested in because I had looked at a LOT of apartments online while searching, and the photographs of this one apartment were particularly striking and identifiable. (I was also able to get a 5% discount from my preferred rental agency, when I mentioned I'd found the unit listed by someone else!). Many of these agencies also accept credit cards, which makes me more comfortable, but the chance of fraud is obviously a small possibility. I do a lot of research before I commit to an agency, to try to make sure I'm dealing with a reputable agency.

I've used each of these options in the U.S. and abroad. There is no one option that works every time, but one or the other generally seems to come through for me. I rarely simply go online to book a hotel. And, I always stay someplace nice, at a reasonable price, because vacation is about enjoying your surroundings. Even if you don't spend piles of time in your room, it still adds a little something to stay in a nice place with a bit of character.

Next Travel Tuesday: Amsterdam