Busted cycle

It's been a crazy week. All over the place on business, different time zones screwing up temping, no CM to note, expecting ovulation any day. . .remember, I thought I would ovulate while I was away? Hah! How optimistic I was. Oh no, my body had other plans. . .the monitor had 15 high days, no peak, and then went to low. It doesn't look like I'm going to ovulate this month at all. I know that this happens to every woman every once in a while, but after everything of the last year, my mind has gone directly to the bad place. My eggs are old, I'm never going to have a baby, etc. You know the drill.

Luckily, the Big Project is in full swing, and I have plenty to distract me. Which is a good thing, because when I think about all of this right now I start to lose my shit.

And then, there is my car. My insurance company said $6500 in damage. But then the other insurance company for the woman who hit me said they were accepting liability, and they sent their own adjuster out. They totalled it. I so totally don't need to be shopping for a new car right now. It's like, the last thing I needed. But here I am.

If you don't ovulate during a cycle, how long does it take before AF arrives again?

Wordle

Lots of people have posted their Wordle , and I really wanted to do one, but needed to update my Java applet and just didn't have time. I finally broke down and downloaded it this morning, and voila, MY Wordle:


Wordle

I can't post it, because I'm apparently not techniclogically savvy enough, so you'll have to click through to see it. Anyway, I was instantly struck by what my Wordle is not, rather than what it is. While most of the Wordles I have seen from this corner of the world are about pregnancy or trying to achieve pregnancy, mine really is not. Which is weird, since that is kind of the whole point of this blog. Or, on the way there, has it turned into something else? Hmmm.

CD24, 11 days of high on the CBEFM, and still no sign of O. I'm also temping, and no temp rise, either. WTF. The second line on the pee stick was very dark today, so I'm guessing I'll get an egg tomorrow, but that basically means I'm O-ing on CD25 or 26 this month. Really, really GREAT--particularly since I leave in the morning on business, and won't be anywhere near Terrific T. for days. I actually found myself briefly wondering how long sperm would last in a turkey baster in my suitcase, but decided that's too wacky, even for me. I go back to the doctor for my annual exam in about a week and a half. We're going to have to chat some more about my ever-lengthening cycles.

Aches and Pains

$6500 in damage is the estimate on the car.

CD22, 10th high day on the monitor, with no temp rise and no little egg yet. I'm having ovulation-type pains on BOTH sides, and don't know what the hell my body is doing. Gah.

Good News/Bad News

Why can't it just be all good news?

My bloodwork all came back normal.

Some idiot plowed into me on the highway because she didn't notice traffic was slowing down in a construction zone.

I'm alive and breathing, and thankful for that. But it would be so nice if it could just all be good. Sigh.

Focus

I was reading along in the blogosphere, and came across a post by another blogger about learning that your life may have an abbreviated endpoint, and what that might cause you do do. It suddenly brought into focus brought my life and the things about which I am currently making decisions.

What would I do if my universe was finite? What would I do if I could not fail? If I knew I had only two years, five years, ten years? If I knew that whatever I set out to achieve, I would? If the possibilties were endless, but time and space were not? If the need for action and decisiveness were absolute?

Those are hard questions. It is easier to go sit in the garden. But I think I know the answers.

Lucky in Love

I currently have no fewer than 15 emails in my junk mail folder, informing me that I seem to have simultaneously won lotteries all over the world, if only I will just do them one teensy little favor. But, my amazing and previously unparalleled string of good luck has reached new heights: I also seem to also be lucky in love (despite the fact that I have no "porfiles" listed anywhere online and am certainly not registered on any internet dating sites. . .that I know of, at least). I received the following email this morning, with a subject line of "Interested in You"


I'm Miss Suzy Isaac, i slim in staure above all i like being honesty,trusted, sincere. I have gonne through your porfiles, it interest me to know you more, and I hope to use this opportunity to explain myself a little about me, i am fair in complexsion,5.9fit tall, 44kg. I wish you to write me through id (suzyisaac2004@yahoo.co.in). also i will send you my picture after hearing from you. Somethings I like to do in my spare time are gardening, home improvement projects, camping, bicycling in the park, backyard bar-b-ques, moon-lite walks on the beach, preparing candle-lite dinners for someone special, sending flowers to someone special for some reasons, sitting and watching the sun set with someone special, and cuddling in front of a fire with someone special. I enjoy cooking, gardening, playing billards, darts, dinning out, going to the cinama, traveling and site-seeing, museums, and concerts. I like almost any kind of music, but I think my favourite is instrumental jazz. i will tell you more about myself again in my next mail dear and hope to hear from you soon.
Love From,
Mis Suzy Isaac

I DO like pina coladas, and getting caught in the rain. I am NOT much for yoga, I AM into champagne. . .I like making love at midnight, on the dunes of the cape, and if she's the lady I'm looking for, I MAY plan my escape.

Which reminds me, I currently have a tremendous dilemma. The same cd has been stuck in the cd player in my car for months. The dealership couldn't get it out, and said that it would be about $200 to replace the stereo. It seems silly to spend $200 on a car stereo when it works perfectly find, and simply has a cd stuck in it. I intend to perform surgery on the cd player myself this weekend. If I am successful at removing the offending disc, I think that I need to be prepared to listen to the next disc I put in there for quite a while. This means, I think, that a mix tape is in order. It nees to be the mix of all mixes, since it may be in there until I get rid of my car. If YOU had to create one cd that you had to live with indefinitely and listen to over and over like Groundhog Day, what would you put on it?

Cleared for Takeoff, Asterisk

I had my visit with Dr. GI today. It was my followup appointment after the digestive difficulties of the last few months. She cleared me to start trying again, and said that she doesn't think that I will have any problems with a pregnancy due to the proctitis. She's a little worried that I've lost a few more pounds since our last visit, and wanted to do some follow-up bloodwork. I'm now four vials of blood lighter, but I should get the results tomorrow. Actually, they plan to mail them to me, but I plan to stalk them for them. I think she thinks they will come back fine, but she just wanted to be sure. So, all in all, good news. . .as long as the bloodwork is fine. Of course, I won't really relax until I know that it is normal.

Dr. GI

Today's the appointment with Dr. GI. Keep your fingers crossed for me that she gives us the green light to start up again.

Oddly enough, I think the B6 supplementation might actually be working. I got a "high" reading on the monitor about a week earlier than normal. If things hold, I may get something like a normal ovulation date this month. Could it be a "normal" cycle???

I'll post more tonight about the results of my doctor's appointment.

Show & Tell--July 13, 2008: Plan A and Nonplan B

I've been thinking a lot about the things in my life that have made me happy. It's interesting to me that many of the things that have made me happiest have happened as a collateral consequence to what I'd planned. In other words, while pursuing Plan A, Nonplan B popped up, and Nonplan B made me very happy, sometimes even happier than achieving Plan A.

Today, I'm going to cheat a little bit at Show & Tell, and take you to the garden again, to show you some tangible examples of this.

I live in a place that gets bitterly cold and snowy in the winter. So, vegetables and such shouldn't survive the winter, right? They especially shouldn't survive when I rototilled before I planted the new garden. And yet, my garden is full of "volunteers" from last year. And then there is the stuff that's been around for a little longer, but I'm just finding it in our yard. I am thrilled to discover unexpected plants, and now I'm going to share some of them with you:

This is perhaps my most exciting find, and it's not in the garden at all, but rather at the edge of the lawn. I've lived in my house for six years, and just discovered these yesterday. I have currants. . .LOADS of them. I can't believe I never noticed them before. Without the berries, they look kind of like maple leaves, which is probably why I never paid much attention to them before. But you'd think I would've noticed the berries. . .in truth, I only recognized the berries yesterday because one of you bloggers showed off your own patch a few weeks ago during Show & Tell (thanks for sharing!).

This one is back from last year! I believe the yellow flowers in the center are going to be "Magic 8 ball zucchini". The zucchinis are small and round, a little bigger than a baseball. One is a perfect portion size, sliced and grilled with olive oil and a sprinkling of fresh ground black pepper and a little parmesean cheese. And if you plant too many of them and can't eat them all and leave them on the plants, the fruit turns orange and look like mini-pumpkins, which is fun at Halloween.

Borage. Isn't it lovely? It's supposed to have a cucumber-like taste. You can cut the flowers and freeze them inside ice cubes, or throw them in salads. Not so hot for women trying to get pregnant, however, so I haven't tried them. I grew borage last summer as part of a special mix to try to draw beneficial insects into my garden, since I don't use pesticides. It seemed to work out okay.

Now, this one is something of a happy surprise to me. They're tomato plants, and I have about a million of them coming back from last year. I planted something like ten different heirloom varieties of tomatoes last summer, so I'm thrilled to see them coming back. But shocked. Who would've thought tomatoes would survive our harsh winter? And the rototilling this spring?

This is also something of a surprise. Parsley. I don't even remember planting parsley last summer, but there it is.

This one is in the mulch pile. I always plant mint in pots, because I don't like how invasive it is. Two falls ago, my husband dumped the pot full of mint--three kinds--into the mulch pile. And here are all three varieties, going strong despite the fact our lawn clippings have been tossed on top of them for weeks.



And finally, I've got sunflowers growing amidst the corn.



It's such a little thing, but I was thrilled to discover all of these unexpected plants. It was such a nice surprise, and particuarly as things in the garden grow and get big enough for me to be able to identify them, I'm discovering more and more. Nonplan B is spontaneous joy, both in plants and in life. I'm wondering what in my life will next spring up when I least expect it, bringing me happiness. What collateral happiness will I find in Nonplan B, as I pursue my next Plan A both professionally and in terms of my family? I'm excited to find out the answer to this.

And then there are the things that have come into bloom in the last week or are ripening on the vine, aka Plan A:

You're probably sick of my garden by now, but it's one of the things that brings me peace and joy, both when it's Plan A, and when Nonplan B comes along. And right now, I am happily living with and waiting for the next thing to happen in both realms.

Saturday Scattegories & Other Things

Stolen from Calliope :

Take the first letter of your ideal travel destination and use it to answer the following:

1) What is your ideal travel destination?

Borneo, of course.

2) Something you would pack in a carry on?

Books.

3) Something you would try to sneak by security?

Bug spray in my carryon.

4) Something you would buy at the airport duty free shop?

Bongos.

5) Something you would take a photo of and e-mail?

Borneans.

6) Something you would swipe from your hotel room?

Blankets.

7) Something you complain to the hotel front desk about?

Bugs.

8)Something that would make you travel sick?

Burgers, undercooked.

9) Something you would only drink while on vacation?

Banana daiquiri.

10) Something you can’t wait to return home to?

Bed, my own.

That was fun. In other news. . .Things are crazy, but going well. I'm working constantly, but mostly enjoying it. I know it's going to sound a little nuts, but I enjoy and thrive off chaos. And things are nothing if not chaotic right now. One night this week I worked until midnight, and then got up at 4am the next morning to keep working. That's just how it's going to be in my little corner of the world, indefinitely.

On the baby front, I see Dr. GI on Thursday. I am feeling great, and hope to be cleared to TTC again. I should ovulate around the beginning of next week, so theoretically, the timing of this appointment on Thursday is perfect. Given the chaos of the Big Project, I haven't exactly decided though if we WILL TTC this month, even if cleared. It seems a little fool-hardy, given the utter chaos of the rest of my life, to be trying to get pregnant right now. Of course, it also seems a little foolish to think that after everything that's happened across the last year, we'd actually get pregnant immediately upon trying. I can't invest much time thinking about it, though, because if I do and Dr. GI says we are still on hold, I don't think I'll be able to bear it. I have to say, though, I am feeling optimistic. The planets are aligning. I can just feel it.

Show & Tell--July 6, 2008

For today's Show & Tell, I'm showing off one of my other obsessions.

I have something of a plant fixation, so the gardens are constantly a work in progress. I am always trying new things, in part because there is always some plant on my wish list, and in part because not everything survives the winter. I have to contend with heavy clay in parts of the yard, so things sometimes don't come back the following year through the tough soil. I also seem to have a powdery mildew problem, even when I buy mildew-resistant varieties, so that has killed off things like bee balm and anise hyssop. I love both of those plants, because even when not heavily in bloom, the plants themselves smell so good when you bring cuttings inside. Alas, they are not meant to be in my yard. Happily, plenty of other things DO survive.

I am constantly mulling over new plans for the garden. Currently, there is a new bush sitting in a bed, still in the pot. I will have to go outside and consider it again today, but I think it's not the right spot for it. I think I need to put a couple of giant echinacea there, instead, because the butterfly bush next door is likely to grow too large, and take up the empty space that I'm trying to fill. If I put the new bush there, it will also grow large, and there won't be enough space for both it and the butterfly bush. Plus, the bush has white flowers that will eventually turn pink, and the butterfly bush is purple. I don't love a purple next to a white--too boring. Although pink and purple are lovely together, especially with an orange or a yellow, like the one planted in front of it. I don't really have another spot for the bush right now, either. Such a dilemma I have.

I have several beds that I completely started over with this year, and I can't wait to see how they'll turn out. I decided I wanted beds that were all red and orange and yellow. So, I bought nine different kids of seeds and scattered them all together. By the end of the summer, with a little luck, they should be magnificent. They're mostly perennials, too, so they should be fabulous next spring, too. I have an all blue bed in the works, too, with a bit of white and chartreuse green. See? Obsessed. It's another form of therapy, though, so I can justify all of the money I spend on it.

However, I am generally very busy, so I've created a few "rules" for myself. First, as I'm sure you can tell, I prefer the messy English cottage garden look, i.e., lots of stuff jumbled together. Second, I don't weed. If you are fanatical about weeds, look away. Mostly, they aren't too much of a problem, due to the clay. Third, I'm all for "volunteers." If a plant goes to seed and sprouts up in some other part of my garden, I let it grow where it is. Fourth, I only plant perennials. I don't really see the point in annuals in the garden, and my yard is bereft of them, except for the pot or two that graces my front stoop and back porch, and a couple of hanging pots. Finally, I'm all organic, all the time. My one big vexation is the lack of an organic nursery selling organic perennials. I try to buy as many as I can at the farmer's market, but the options there are limited.

I love coming home and seeing what has finally bloomed during the day. It will be even more exciting once the tomatoes come into season--my favorite garden food! It is so relaxing to walk around in the evening, and see what progress the plants have made since the day before. It's one of the few aspects of my life where I can see tangible progress in a short amount of time. And hey, it's fertile!

Happy Thoughts

I am feeling really positive these days. I feel like I am in a really good space. I feel like the planets are finally going to align, and things are going to finally work out for us. I feel like the universe is actually unfolding as it should. (But, I probably jinxed myself by typing that.)

I've made some career decisions that I think are going to be good ones. Adding the B6 really seemed to work last month, and my LP was a day longer, which I'm thrilled about. I've gained a little weight back. And, I have a doctor's appointment in two weeks with Dr. GI, who will hopefully finally give us the green light to TTC again.

There are lots of other things that aren't working well, or aren't working at all, but I've decided to see the glass as half full right now. And that's that.

10DPO, and Counting

No, I don't think there is any chance I am pregnant. But my LP has been only 10 days for the last 4 cycles or so. Might I actually get 11 days out of this cycle? I supplemented with a balanced 50 B-complex this month. I wonder if it made a difference? It sure didn't make me O earlier--CD24 this month, which is kind of ridiculous.

I ordered new vitamins, which should be here tomorrow. Something called Optivite. There are some studies out there suggesting that short LP is due to problems earlier in the cycle, and other studies showing that increasing B6 can solve the problems. It all makes sense to me in technical terms, but I'm too tired to explain it better. Anyway, I thought I'd try the supplements for the next month or two, before turning to Clomid. Optivite is really intended to ease PMS, but the vitamins are recommended for women with short LP, too. I'm a little sketched out about them, as I couldn't find them locally anywhere. I suppose I could've simply supplemented B6 further on my own, but it seemed easier to take a single supplement. Has anyone tried Optivite?