Monday, June 29, 2009

One More Day

Tomorrow is the NT scan! And then we hit 12 weeks! It will be really good to have both milestones behind us.

T. and I had another long conversation this weekend about telling vs. not telling. It didn't go so well, in that I got really angry. Part of it was no doubt hormonal, but part of it is that I'm also still really mad about how pushy his mother has been. I just can't help it. It makes me so angry that we couldn't just have this little space of time on our own terms. It makes me so angry that she couldn't just ignore whatever she thought she knew. As I explained to T., I can deal with something bad happening. I can't deal with people knowing, and something bad happening. It makes me stressed that she knows. The first miscarriage, she didn't know we had been trying, but T. felt so terrible that he told her about it. She has repeatedly tried to bring it up with me, even though I've never talked to her about it, and changed the subject every time. I know that she would not give me the space I need if something happened again, and that really bothers me.

T. thinks I am looking at this the wrong way, and that I should be grateful because people would be supportive if something bad happened. We are hard-wired soooo differently. He would like support in that situation. I would like to be left alone to process it on my own. He thinks that is backward and unhealthy, and that I would be better off talking things out. I completely disagree (he also doesn't know about the entire IF universe and how much support I get here--I'm not sure why, but I've never bothered to tell him, perhaps because initially I just needed a space to myself to work things out, and then once I moved past it, I just never told him.)

We are supposed to spend this weekend with my MIL and T. had wanted to tell her this weekend, but we obviously won't have the 1st tri screening results back yet, because I haven't had the bloodwork done yet. I told T. that I don't want to tell until we get the test results back. In the end, he agreed, but not without a big debate over it. He thinks I am unfairly upset at his mother. Perhaps that's true--but I can't help how I feel. And if we don't tell this weekend, I'm sure she will push the issue, because she just won't be able to help herself, which I am dreading. I've invited several friends of mine and their kids (it's a big party), and I'm hoping to use them as a buffer.

I'm sure I'm being a complete bitch about all of this, especially because I know my MIL is very excited about having another grandchild, but how I feel is so colored by our experiences of the last few years. I have really tried to give myself breathing space each time we've suffered a setback, and that's what has allowed me to move through the bad stuff. I'm feeling crowded and pushed now, and I don't like it. It's not what I need.


JamieD said...

I know when I feel pushed, instead of falling down I push back.

Your past experiences have wounded you in a way no one can understand, especially your MIL. Do what feels best for you.

I really hate that some so exciting, that should be celebrated, is causing so much tension for you and T. I hope this next week passes quickly.

I can't wait to hear about your NT scan. Post pictures!

sassy said...

I generally find that when I don't feel like opening up to a specific person, and then I do it, against my better judgement, I end up regretting it.

Good for you for standing up for yourself and setting boundaries. I mean, shouldn't we open up because support helps us - not out of guilt?

Oh, and by the way, thank you so much for YOUR support lately. I'm pretty messed up, but really, it helps so much.


~Jess said...

I think after all you've gone through you're entire entitled to tell (or not) when you are comfortable with it. Hang in there *hugs*

ryanandjoesmom said...

Thanks for popping by my blog. Was happy to come here and see you at just about 12 weeks! Every milestone is awesome and nerve wracking. After my 3 miscarriages I totally feel you on the not wanting to tell too soon. Part of me wanted to shout it from the rooftops, but then I didn't want to have to tell all those people again when it failed. When we finally did tell when I was pregnant with my youngest, I made my mom promise that she would not ask me every single day how i was feeling. I wanted the space, but knowing the support was there if I needed it was a big help as well.

Going to pop back tomorrow to see how your screening went.

Take Care

Darla said...

I don't think you're being a bitch ... I think you should wait until midway towards the end of the 3rd trimester ... and tell her via email photo *tada!* and maybe write across your tummy IT'S A BABY in sharpie *evil grin* I can honestly say I'm not sure when I would want to admit to our family and all those "it's god's timing" people. I support you!

Io said...

Go with your gut and don't let anyone tell you otherwise - you have past behavior to judge on, which is usually the best predictor of future behavior.
Your secret bloggy friend

Kacy said...

Thanks for stopping by my blog. I can totally relate to your hesitation in telling anyone. Sometimes it's just too much to believe or handle all the comments.

Very exciting though that you got a BFP. I am hoping for one too!