Tomorrow is the NT scan! And then we hit 12 weeks! It will be really good to have both milestones behind us.
T. and I had another long conversation this weekend about telling vs. not telling. It didn't go so well, in that I got really angry. Part of it was no doubt hormonal, but part of it is that I'm also still really mad about how pushy his mother has been. I just can't help it. It makes me so angry that we couldn't just have this little space of time on our own terms. It makes me so angry that she couldn't just ignore whatever she thought she knew. As I explained to T., I can deal with something bad happening. I can't deal with people knowing, and something bad happening. It makes me stressed that she knows. The first miscarriage, she didn't know we had been trying, but T. felt so terrible that he told her about it. She has repeatedly tried to bring it up with me, even though I've never talked to her about it, and changed the subject every time. I know that she would not give me the space I need if something happened again, and that really bothers me.
T. thinks I am looking at this the wrong way, and that I should be grateful because people would be supportive if something bad happened. We are hard-wired soooo differently. He would like support in that situation. I would like to be left alone to process it on my own. He thinks that is backward and unhealthy, and that I would be better off talking things out. I completely disagree (he also doesn't know about the entire IF universe and how much support I get here--I'm not sure why, but I've never bothered to tell him, perhaps because initially I just needed a space to myself to work things out, and then once I moved past it, I just never told him.)
We are supposed to spend this weekend with my MIL and T. had wanted to tell her this weekend, but we obviously won't have the 1st tri screening results back yet, because I haven't had the bloodwork done yet. I told T. that I don't want to tell until we get the test results back. In the end, he agreed, but not without a big debate over it. He thinks I am unfairly upset at his mother. Perhaps that's true--but I can't help how I feel. And if we don't tell this weekend, I'm sure she will push the issue, because she just won't be able to help herself, which I am dreading. I've invited several friends of mine and their kids (it's a big party), and I'm hoping to use them as a buffer.
I'm sure I'm being a complete bitch about all of this, especially because I know my MIL is very excited about having another grandchild, but how I feel is so colored by our experiences of the last few years. I have really tried to give myself breathing space each time we've suffered a setback, and that's what has allowed me to move through the bad stuff. I'm feeling crowded and pushed now, and I don't like it. It's not what I need.