Tuesday, June 23, 2009

The Big Reveal

We are getting close to the point where we were planning on telling people that we are pregnant. I am dreading it. I really would like to just keep it quiet for now. It still doesn't feel safe. Even once we get through the NT scan and bloodwork next week, even if it is fine, I know I still won't feel safe. I am far more comfortable living in my own little world where no one knows, and if something bad happens, I can deal with it in my own way. God forbid something were to happen, I would loathe the "are you okays." I so much prefer to deal with things on my own.

Unfortunately, T. doesn't feel the same way. He doesn't even worry about things. Actually, he doesn't worry about anything, ever. He is the most positive person I have ever met, and greets each morning with a giant smile. He is very excited to tell people, and he is insisting that as long as the testing goes well next week, we tell his mother over the 4th of July weekend. Actually, I think he'd prefer to tell her then, either way. Just yesterday, he told me that it's been impossibly difficult for him to keep it in this long, because he wants to tell the world that he's going to be a dad.

I have a bunch of issues with this plan to tell next week. First, there is the fact that I don't really want to tell anyone yet (Can't we just wait until I'm showing!). Second (and I know this is childish, selfish and ridiculous), I don't really want to tell his family first. I would prefer to tell my own family first. Especially since his mother has refused to respect our wishes to keep this pregnancy private at this point, and has been asking questions about it. I don't feel like she should be rewarded for her lack of respect for our privacy by being the first to "officially" find out. Which is probably a stupid way to look at it, but it's just how I feel. But even more than that, there will be a ton of people at the big 4th of July bash that we are going to at her beach house, and I just don't feel like all of these people should know before my parents know. Ugh, and then there is my husband's sister, who has never been nice to me. So much better that we just avoid the whole telling that weekend (alas, I know this isn't going to happen).

Now, if the scan goes well next week, I could just tell my parents in the interim between the scan and the 4th, right? Except, I really don't want to break the news to either of my parents over the phone by just telling them. When your only daughter is over 35 and about to have your first grandchild, this seems like a lame way of finding out. Unfortunately, my desire to not break the news over the phone is complicated by the fact that a) my mother lives several states away, and b) my father is himself going away on vacation for several weeks, and leaving town just before my NT scan. Unfortunately, he is going far away, too, so it's not like I could just pop over and surprise him withthe news. And, I don't want to tell anyone until after the NT scan, which isn't until next Tuesday.

I also want to tell people myself. I don't want important people in my life to find out from other people. Which just makes this whole thing very complicated. I wish T. could just wait a few more weeks to tell people, so we could do it on terms that work for both of us. I feel like I am being forced to tell based on this artificial timetable that is set in play by the fact that the NT scan is Tuesday, and we are scheduled to see his family the following weekend. I just don't like it.


Eve said...

Wow, I can't believe how far along you are! I'm sorry your MIL is not respectiing your wishes. How infuriating!!!!! What about sending your parents a cute little YouTube video or a package with 'grandparent' stuff in it? I told my mom over the phone. My dh sent his Dad a birthday card made out to 'grandpa'...they called us so confused!

There is always a risk that something could happen whether in pregnancy or even after...but telling people won't 'jinx' you. And maybe it would give you the support you would need if the unthinkable happened.

IVF 40+ said...

I can totally understand. This whole process is so private and the idea of being 'publically' pregnant scares the crap of me too. We hide our process because it is so hard, emotionally and physically.

I have no words of wisdom - only support.
Good luck with all this.
Thinking of you

VA Blondie said...

It is sort of scary having people know. So far, it has been positive for me. It certainly helps at work, as people are more likely to keep me from doing a lot of the more physical stuff involved in my job.

I told my parents over the phone, while driving home from work. My mother had been following my IVF cycle, and she was waiting with baited breath for the beta. She was very happy that it worked. And because she has been all over stirrup queens, understands that I am sort of reserved about it right now.

I think that your parents will be happy to hear the news, mo matter how you tell them. I am sure they would be happy to hear the news over the phone. I know it did not diminish my parent's happiness at all.

Just my experience. Take it for what it is worth.

MAK-now said...

Just dropping in to lend an ear & offer support. GL!!

Anonymous said...

I hope you find a time to tell that feels right to both of you - my experience was that it was a big change once we were really out in the open about it, and I'm really glad I honoured my instincts about how and when to tell.

Wishing you peace however it goes down.

JamieD said...

Congrats on your OB appt and your OB! She sounds wonderful.

My Hubby was the same - no fear. He was chomping at the bit to tell people. I had really looked forward to the 12th week because, in my mind, it was the 'we made it' mark. I wanted to tell people, honestly, but when it got here I got cold feet. I let Hubby tell our parents and closest, closest friends (about 10 people) and I gradually started telling co-workers around week 14. Really, it was a relief.

I understand your hesitation. But it will feel better than you think to actually ~say~ it. Good luck!

Beautiful Mess said...

Is there anyway you could make it more personal with your parents? Like on Skype or video messaging? It's not in person, but it's a bit better then a phone call. It's hard to want to keep it to yourself, but your spouse wants to tell everyone. My husband didn't see the "big deal" in waiting. He saw 2 lines and thought "baby in July". I WISH I could think like that! Hang in there, sweetie! I hope you get it all resolved soon.

Melissa G said...

I'm sorry you are in such a tough position with something that should be a very happy and exciting announcement.

A few months ago I gave my MIL the link to my blog, so that she could be informed of what was going on with us. (WHAT WAS I THINKING?!) We are coming up our first IUI and I started to get tense about what I was going to be able to talk about on my blog. So I changed the URL and told that I decided to take my blog down because I hated the idea of her knowing before I was ready to tell. She is a sweet woman but doesn't really understand my need for privacy.

Sorry for rambling I just know how you feel about wanting to keep it all to yourself until you're ready. Take care


Serendipity said...

I told my parents early and distance made it impossible to tell them over anything but the phone, in some ways I was kind of glad for the distance, I didn't really want to share our little secret but H (my husband) told his mum so my hand was forced.

I really hope that you find a way to tell your parents that's right for both of you. I'm glad my parents know but I did resent H for a while for not letting me do it in my own time.

Lisa RM said...

Men just don't get things like this. Well, mine never has anyway.