Monday, March 21, 2011

From My Last Read to My Current Read to My Current Worry

Maybe I should add an addendum to my review of Mel's book, Life From Scratch, which glowingly notes that I was able to understand the general premise at some point during the first 50 pages. Which I only mention because during the first 50 pages of Kazuo Ishiguro's Never Let Me Go, I had absolutely no idea what was going on. I picked the book up in a train station, in need of something to read, and I still haven't seen any reviews, and the back cover summary is basically silent about the plot (it talks about 3 friends who meet at boarding school, and some terrible secret), so I literally know nothing about the book. I'm now at around page 80, and I have some thoughts about what the book MIGHT be about, but still. . .it might also be about something entirely different. It's really weird. I can't say that I've ever gotten this far into a book and had so little understanding of what I was reading. I think that's in part because the usual practice is to summarize the plot on the back of the book, which this book didn't do. I must say, it's distracting me from the story. I am constantly stopping to say "what the hell is this book about," or going back to re-read earlier portions to see if my evolving working hypothesis actually works, in light of some of the clues found in earlier chapters.

I've obviously read books that have gone in different directions than anticipated, but this isn't like that. This is like. . .there is an entire subtext that I am missing. Living in Europe, there is often a subtext that I am missing, so at first I thought it was just ordinary cultural dissonance because it's set in England. Like, I thought I just didn't understand what a "carer" was, or what a "donor" was. But now I am thinking it's a bit more complicated than my usual American-in-Paris problem.

But if you know, please don't tell me, because it is such an extraordinary experience, and I want to continue to view the book through this lense until I've finished it. And then perhaps re-read it, to see what I think of it once I do know what's going on.

Even now, at the point where I have no idea what the hell is going on, there is so much sadness in the book, and I have to say, it pairs nicely with my current neuroses. I have been worrying lately, probably needlessly so, but since it generally makes me feel better to spit it out so I can move on, you might want to watch your feet. . .

Miss M has always been a petite baby. She has generally been at around the 50 percentile for height, and was 10-20 percentile for weight until she started walking at 10 months, at which point, she fell off the chart for weight. The doctor started having her come in once a month to check her weight, and she has more or less continued to gain weight on the same trajectory since falling off the chart (I mean, at the same rate)--just at a level which is off the chart. But in the last month, while she gained a pound, she didn't grow in height. Although, T. pointed out that they measure her height by drawing a pencil line above and below her while she lays on the exam table, which isn't an exact science with an active toddler. Except, I don't think she's grown. She's still in the 12 month footie jammies at 14 months, and she's got room lengthwise.
The doctor thinks she's fine. Developmentally, she is doing very well, and near the top of what one would expect for a baby her age. I have no worries there. But physically, while the doctor doesn't think there is a problem, he would like us to get a second opinion, and has referred us to someone.

I am worried. I know there is no reason to be at this point, but something is just nagging away at me. I just feel like something is off. I was fine until this last month--I thought it was all attributable to her petite size and her finite appetite. But the doctor referring us out has freaked me out. Well that, and people commenting about her tiny size constantly. I hope I am just being my usual neurotic self. I can't even fathom the thought of anything happening to her. She's such a huge part of my universe.


Amy said...

Long time reader delurking to comment...don't worry too much about Ms M's size. My 2 year old still wears her size 12 month jacket...and only weighs in at 23lbs. She's very petite, but healthy...people comment to me all the time about how tiny she is. But what she lacks in size, she makes up for in personality.

Just wanted to say that I hear you...and try not to worry too much. HUGS.

SassyMama said...

I know it is hard not to worry... that is what good moms do. And it is really hard waiting to see if she will be taller at the next check. I totally get that (not about height, but about other things).

Hang in there.

~Jess said...

She's doing fine: As long as she's eating and doing the things she should...I would try to not worry (easier said than done I know).

Luke Richard said...

hi! :) try not to worry too much (I know easier said than done - landon was diagnosed with scoliosis at 9 months old and i did nothing but worry until 15 months when we got the final word its not progressive. But try :) ) Just keep trying foods for her that are high in fat. And I think if she gained a pound and didnt grow any that is a good sign!! it means she is growing, and can gain weight other than just heigh wise. Hugs, just keep doing a great job!

Darla said...

You are inspiring me! I'm going to have to find that book. As a co-resider in Europe there are so many things that make me feel like I want to be in the middle of it but I can't begin to understand the culture around it.
With Miss M I'm not sure what advice I can give you. I hope the anxiousness eases. I know sometimes those gut feelins have to run their course even if they feel absolutely insane to us and look utterly ridiciousl to others. I will be thinking about her and hope all is well!

Jamie said...

After all you've gone through to bring Miss M into this world, it is hard not to worry about the 0.01% chance that there might be something wrong. *HUGS* Take comfort in the fact that your doctor is one who likes to make a referral even though he doesn't think anything is wrong 'just in case.' That is nice to hear when there are so many doctors out there who don't listen to a mother's worries.

I'm sure all will come out fine!!