Last night the spotting got heavier, and I started getting some cramping. Sure enough, I woke up to bright red blood. But I could not help myself; I tested again. Something is just not quite right. Sure enough, the second line on the test is darker today than yesterday. But I also quite clearly have AF (early. . .by about a week. . .which never happens to me).
I am worried about an ectopic. That would really suck. A chemical pregnancy is one thing; that is quite another.
I did some reading, and it's clear that it's still too early for the doctor to do anything, and I'm not in any apparent danger, so I'm going to wait a few days and retest.
This is so frustrating. Just when I think I've got a handle on all of the rotten things that can happen to me while TTC, this popped up.
Thursday, June 30, 2011
Wednesday, June 29, 2011
Miss M at 17 Months and Change
Dear Miss M,
When I went to the doctor recently, she was asking me how old you are, and I stumbled. Because, 17 months sounds REALLY old to me! How can you possibly be 17 months already?! You continue to delight and amaze us every day, and we simply adore you. You are very funny, and absolutely LOVE to laugh. You constantly try to catch the eye of strangers, with a quick and adorable grin. You love life, and we just love that about you.
About a month or so ago, you started having your inconsolable crying jags in the middle of the night, the ones that we cannot wake you from. We've learned that these precede a big developmental growth, and sure enough, shortly after that your language skills just exploded. You know so many words that I cannot even keep track of them. Some of my favorites are "oh no mommy!" (said in a little high pitched voice that always makes me giggle, and may signify either a perceived disaster (a cartoon has ended) or a real one (upended milk on the living room carpet); "dog!" (said EVERY time we pass one on the street or in the park, with great pleasure and pointing); and "please" and "thank you." I am just so very proud that you say please and thank you in the perfectly correct context. Oh, and "Minnie" and "Mickey"--like mommy and daddy, you are a big Disney fan.
You have grown to be a sophisticated eater. You still don't eat enough for your poor mother, but you eat a wide array of foods, with a particular love of strongly flavored food. You love chicken, all cheeses (particularly strong ones), all dairy (drinking a few cups of milk each day; cottage cheese; and two containers of yogurt a day!); and pretty much all fruits and vegetables. You will eat banana pureed, but refuse to eat it raw. It is a texture thing--you hate to touch it. The same is true of raspberries--you pick them out of fruit salad and hand them back to me. You'll eat them pureed, though, so it's not the taste. You are MADLY in love with strawberries and blueberries. You've eaten an entire carton of strawberries a day for the last two days, in fact. Last night for dinner you had TWO CUPS of fruit salad! You became a big fan of apricots during our recent trip to Italy, and couldn't get enough of them. Sadly, the ones that I buy in the store here don't even remotely compare to the gorgeous, perfumed, sweet, rich apricots we got fresh from the tree in Italy. After rejecting ice cream for the last few months, you have decided that you like it very much. The ice cream joint in our neighborhood serves baby-sized mini cones for about $1.50, and we get you one when we go in. You are delighted with it. We took you for Mexican food recently, and you were all about the tortilla chips and black beans. We had a sad incident with a quesadilla, though--I tasted it and didn't think it had anything spicy in it, so I gave you a bite. Your sensitive tongue felt differently, though. You shrieked and spit it out as fast as you could, and cried. But you also, adorably, got angry at the food, and repeatedly hit the offending bite that you'd spit out on the table. It was a little sad, but priceless. A gulp of milk later, though, and you were good to go.
You are a very busy child, and like to have a lot going on. It's sometimes harder to stay in the house with you than it is to take you out and about. In your stroller or backpack, you are a delight. You love to see the sights and the people who are out, and are almost always perfectly behaved. You are generally excellent in restaurants, particularly if the staff is nice to you. You are just such a people person. You take after your daddy, who also loves to people watch. It's hilarious to watch you try to engage with people. You start by trying to make eye contact. Then you might wave. Then, you might get bold and belt out a big hello. Or, as you often say "HIYA!" People often stop to comment on how outgoing you are, and you are happy to let others hold you.
While we were on a beach in Italy, we came across a handsome young man who was with his parents. He had two prosthetic limbs, and his parents watched him anxiously. He chatted with daddy, and his mother eventually asked to hold you. You went off and played with her for the longest time, and I could see how you made her heart lift. It turned out that the young man had been in a bad accident in the last year, and almost died. He was their only child, and you could see how his parents still worried about him. He seemed confident and outgoing. Their hearts, though, still need mending, it was clear. It was so wonderful to see how your joy could lift their spirits. They asked to take pictures with us before we split up, so we did and we've got great photos of you hamming it up with them.
You LOVE the camera, and give a big toothy grin on command. I have many wonderful pictures of you from our trip to Italy, because you just love to mug for the camera. I have this one picture that I took while we were standing in line to get tickets at the Colosseum. You wrapped your arm around my neck and pulled me close, then smilled for the camera while I took our self-portrait with my free hand. The picture is just priceless. You are just so full of joy.
You are also, however, growing quite headstrong. You have a very decided preference for what you want to do, and when you are allowed to roam freely, which direction you'd like to go in. If we try to go in a different direction while you are walking, a tantrum is certain to ensue. And when leaving the playground. . .meltdown! We know it's your way of expressing your displeasure, and we roll with it. Daddy does find it a bit disconcerting, though, as before this month, we'd never experienced such behavior from you. You've always been so pleasant, so it's a bit of a shock to see you be disagreeable. Still, we treasure these moments as your little self develops. . .another milestone.
You are finally in a size 3 shoe, and wearing some 18 month clothing, although it is largely too big for you. Items sized 12-18 months seem to fit the best. The 12 month items are finally getting a bit small. You are still a skinny girl! We will have to go back to the specialist in another month to see how you are growing. Developmentally, you are thriving, but you are definitely still very petite.
You've grown a bit bored with your toys, but will sometimes play your little mini-piano and "sing" along. I recently fished out a play piggybank with play oversized coins, and it's fun to watch you build dexterity by trying to figure out how the coins go in the slot, and put them there. You also like the sand castle mixing bowl/spoon/cup set I bought you, and you pretend eat from the spoons, which cracks me up. You also pretend drink from some of your toys that are cup-like, such as some of the other sand toys. You like it when I pretend eat with you, and find it hilariously funny.
We treasure every day with you. You are the best thing that has ever happened to me, other than daddy. You are just such a little firecracker, so full of zest for life and so curious about everything. Our house is full of laughter every day, and that makes my life so bright and wonderful.
Love,
Mom
When I went to the doctor recently, she was asking me how old you are, and I stumbled. Because, 17 months sounds REALLY old to me! How can you possibly be 17 months already?! You continue to delight and amaze us every day, and we simply adore you. You are very funny, and absolutely LOVE to laugh. You constantly try to catch the eye of strangers, with a quick and adorable grin. You love life, and we just love that about you.
About a month or so ago, you started having your inconsolable crying jags in the middle of the night, the ones that we cannot wake you from. We've learned that these precede a big developmental growth, and sure enough, shortly after that your language skills just exploded. You know so many words that I cannot even keep track of them. Some of my favorites are "oh no mommy!" (said in a little high pitched voice that always makes me giggle, and may signify either a perceived disaster (a cartoon has ended) or a real one (upended milk on the living room carpet); "dog!" (said EVERY time we pass one on the street or in the park, with great pleasure and pointing); and "please" and "thank you." I am just so very proud that you say please and thank you in the perfectly correct context. Oh, and "Minnie" and "Mickey"--like mommy and daddy, you are a big Disney fan.
You have grown to be a sophisticated eater. You still don't eat enough for your poor mother, but you eat a wide array of foods, with a particular love of strongly flavored food. You love chicken, all cheeses (particularly strong ones), all dairy (drinking a few cups of milk each day; cottage cheese; and two containers of yogurt a day!); and pretty much all fruits and vegetables. You will eat banana pureed, but refuse to eat it raw. It is a texture thing--you hate to touch it. The same is true of raspberries--you pick them out of fruit salad and hand them back to me. You'll eat them pureed, though, so it's not the taste. You are MADLY in love with strawberries and blueberries. You've eaten an entire carton of strawberries a day for the last two days, in fact. Last night for dinner you had TWO CUPS of fruit salad! You became a big fan of apricots during our recent trip to Italy, and couldn't get enough of them. Sadly, the ones that I buy in the store here don't even remotely compare to the gorgeous, perfumed, sweet, rich apricots we got fresh from the tree in Italy. After rejecting ice cream for the last few months, you have decided that you like it very much. The ice cream joint in our neighborhood serves baby-sized mini cones for about $1.50, and we get you one when we go in. You are delighted with it. We took you for Mexican food recently, and you were all about the tortilla chips and black beans. We had a sad incident with a quesadilla, though--I tasted it and didn't think it had anything spicy in it, so I gave you a bite. Your sensitive tongue felt differently, though. You shrieked and spit it out as fast as you could, and cried. But you also, adorably, got angry at the food, and repeatedly hit the offending bite that you'd spit out on the table. It was a little sad, but priceless. A gulp of milk later, though, and you were good to go.
You are a very busy child, and like to have a lot going on. It's sometimes harder to stay in the house with you than it is to take you out and about. In your stroller or backpack, you are a delight. You love to see the sights and the people who are out, and are almost always perfectly behaved. You are generally excellent in restaurants, particularly if the staff is nice to you. You are just such a people person. You take after your daddy, who also loves to people watch. It's hilarious to watch you try to engage with people. You start by trying to make eye contact. Then you might wave. Then, you might get bold and belt out a big hello. Or, as you often say "HIYA!" People often stop to comment on how outgoing you are, and you are happy to let others hold you.
While we were on a beach in Italy, we came across a handsome young man who was with his parents. He had two prosthetic limbs, and his parents watched him anxiously. He chatted with daddy, and his mother eventually asked to hold you. You went off and played with her for the longest time, and I could see how you made her heart lift. It turned out that the young man had been in a bad accident in the last year, and almost died. He was their only child, and you could see how his parents still worried about him. He seemed confident and outgoing. Their hearts, though, still need mending, it was clear. It was so wonderful to see how your joy could lift their spirits. They asked to take pictures with us before we split up, so we did and we've got great photos of you hamming it up with them.
You LOVE the camera, and give a big toothy grin on command. I have many wonderful pictures of you from our trip to Italy, because you just love to mug for the camera. I have this one picture that I took while we were standing in line to get tickets at the Colosseum. You wrapped your arm around my neck and pulled me close, then smilled for the camera while I took our self-portrait with my free hand. The picture is just priceless. You are just so full of joy.
You are also, however, growing quite headstrong. You have a very decided preference for what you want to do, and when you are allowed to roam freely, which direction you'd like to go in. If we try to go in a different direction while you are walking, a tantrum is certain to ensue. And when leaving the playground. . .meltdown! We know it's your way of expressing your displeasure, and we roll with it. Daddy does find it a bit disconcerting, though, as before this month, we'd never experienced such behavior from you. You've always been so pleasant, so it's a bit of a shock to see you be disagreeable. Still, we treasure these moments as your little self develops. . .another milestone.
You are finally in a size 3 shoe, and wearing some 18 month clothing, although it is largely too big for you. Items sized 12-18 months seem to fit the best. The 12 month items are finally getting a bit small. You are still a skinny girl! We will have to go back to the specialist in another month to see how you are growing. Developmentally, you are thriving, but you are definitely still very petite.
You've grown a bit bored with your toys, but will sometimes play your little mini-piano and "sing" along. I recently fished out a play piggybank with play oversized coins, and it's fun to watch you build dexterity by trying to figure out how the coins go in the slot, and put them there. You also like the sand castle mixing bowl/spoon/cup set I bought you, and you pretend eat from the spoons, which cracks me up. You also pretend drink from some of your toys that are cup-like, such as some of the other sand toys. You like it when I pretend eat with you, and find it hilariously funny.
We treasure every day with you. You are the best thing that has ever happened to me, other than daddy. You are just such a little firecracker, so full of zest for life and so curious about everything. Our house is full of laughter every day, and that makes my life so bright and wonderful.
Love,
Mom
Huh
Yesterday morning, I tested first thing then went about my usual morning routine. I was in a bit of a hurry, as I suddenly realized that I didn't need to be out of the house at 7am, as I'd been thinking all morning, but rather I needed to be somewhere at 7am. Yikes! Needless to say, I was a half hour late. Obviously, SOMETHING was distracting me! Despite being utterly and completely late yesterday morning, I took one last chance to stop and look at yesterday's pregnancy test before I walked out the door. There was just the faintest whiff of what might have been a second line. "Evap line," I thought, racing out the door. "Evap line?"
During every spare minute yesterday, I pondered the possibility that I could be pregnant. I skipped extra coffees and avoided brie cheese at lunch. Could I be?
Of course, TTC#2 had to be just a COMPLETE mindfuck, because toward the late afternoon and just before I entered a looong meeting, I discovered that I was spotting pink goop. . .not at all normal for me. Pink goop! What the hell?!
I tested again this morning, and there is indeed the faintest of second lines on the test. It's darker than yesterday, and most definitely there. And as soon as I finished testing, I discovered that I'm spotting loads more of this weird pink goop.
I am 9DPO or 10DPO today, or maybe later than that. I am not quite sure, and not sure what to make of all of this. Sigh. I won't let myself get excited, under the circumstances.
During every spare minute yesterday, I pondered the possibility that I could be pregnant. I skipped extra coffees and avoided brie cheese at lunch. Could I be?
Of course, TTC#2 had to be just a COMPLETE mindfuck, because toward the late afternoon and just before I entered a looong meeting, I discovered that I was spotting pink goop. . .not at all normal for me. Pink goop! What the hell?!
I tested again this morning, and there is indeed the faintest of second lines on the test. It's darker than yesterday, and most definitely there. And as soon as I finished testing, I discovered that I'm spotting loads more of this weird pink goop.
I am 9DPO or 10DPO today, or maybe later than that. I am not quite sure, and not sure what to make of all of this. Sigh. I won't let myself get excited, under the circumstances.
Tuesday, June 28, 2011
Summer Vacation
The bad news is that I tested again this morning, and it's another BFN. Although I have just one baby to show for it, I've been pregnant three times, and truthfully, I just am not feeling it this month. The BFN is no surprise. In some ways, it's okay. In other ways, I just want to hurry up and be pregnant.
The good news is that I found my favorite pregnancy tests on sale yesterday! I got 4 FRER's for about $15. Hurray for that! Yeah, you really have to hold on to the little happinesses when TTC. . .otherwise, it'll drive you mad. And now in a completely different direction. . .
We've been having some fairly bitter disputes lately about a trip we are taking home this summer, and it's casting a cloud over my little world. For a few different reasons, T. wants to travel to the US at the beginning of August. For a few other reasons, it makes the most sense for me to travel at the end of August. We are traveling separately, anyway, because we had planned for T to go home for a longer stretch than I am. He'll spend time with his family; when I come over a bit later, I'll see them all briefly, and then we'll travel to see my mother, who lives in another state. The source of tension is that our respective preferred travel dates leave a period of three weeks between the time he leaves for the US and the time I do, and we can't seem to find a good compromise. I simply can't imagine being without my daughter for three weeks, and I cannot imagine her going three weeks without me. T. doesn't think this is a big deal. Frankly, neither T. or I has been particularly rational in discussing it, so strong is his desire to go home for this period, and mine to be close to my daughter.
Part of how I feel is also wrapped up in the fact that I'm worried about this trip home. T. thinks that I am irrationally worried and he translates my worry into a lack of trust of him, but I simply can't help the worrying, and it's not about not trusting him. For most of the time we are apart, T. and Miss M would be staying with T.'s mother, who lives on a beach very close to a large body of water. I haven't told you yet about the terrifying beach incident from our vacation (because I'm hoping my brain will erase it from my memory), but needless to say, Miss M has no fear whatsoever of the water (indeed, she is drawn to it), and if a crisis can happen in front of our very eyes, I am afraid of what will happen when she has the temptation of water right in front of her house for three whole weeks. I am terrified that they will lose track of her for two minutes, and tragedy will strike. TERRIFIED. Of course I trust T. with her (he's VERY protective and watchful), but she's high-spirited and highly mobile and fast, and there will be so many visitors who want to chat with him and distract him. It will be next to impossible for her to NEVER be out of his sight. That's not even a reasonable expectation. And don't even get me started on the dangers lurking in my MIL's not-childproofed house!
Then there is all of the family drama that is going on at home. Part of T's family has been having an ugly dispute, and we are sure to be drawn into it when we go home. There is unfortunately no way to avoid it, as we have some possessions on loan to one of the parties, and we have to retrieve them due to the drama. It's all incredibly sad, too, as one party has badly taken advantage of another and yet blames the other for finally taking a stand and not putting up with it any more. It's awful to see a family member turn and bite the hand that has fed her for so long, especially when it's another family member. I don't want Miss M in the middle of that, either, but mostly I don't want T. to get dragged into it more than he already is. Deep in my bones, I feel like this trip is going to be bad for him. He is looking forward to it, and I just feel like it's going to be a massive disappointment to him, and that he's going to come back depressed. I know I can't prevent him from getting hurt on this trip (it's inevitable, in my mind), but I still want to try.
On top of all of that, there is someone who will periodically be around the beach this summer that I feel may be a threat to Miss M. I could be completely off base on this one, but it's one of those situations where your antennae perk up and you just sort of feel like something is off with the person, and you don't know what they could be capable of. So of course I don't want Miss M. to be around this person, just in case. It's a mental health/substance abuse issue the person suffers with, and by all accounts it's been particularly bad of late. T. is completely and utterly in agreement with me, and feels the same way. But him agreeing with me doesn't assuage my concerns about Miss M being in the vicinity of this person. Much like the water at the beach, I'm worried about those five minutes that she somehow might manage to be off everyone's radar, everyone but this person. It utterly terrifies me.
I think the only resolution is for me to suck up my fears and let them go back for 3 weeks. We can Skype every day. People have to bear much longer separations, and they survive. (Darla!) I know this. It's just hard, given all of the aforementioned.
The good news is that I found my favorite pregnancy tests on sale yesterday! I got 4 FRER's for about $15. Hurray for that! Yeah, you really have to hold on to the little happinesses when TTC. . .otherwise, it'll drive you mad. And now in a completely different direction. . .
We've been having some fairly bitter disputes lately about a trip we are taking home this summer, and it's casting a cloud over my little world. For a few different reasons, T. wants to travel to the US at the beginning of August. For a few other reasons, it makes the most sense for me to travel at the end of August. We are traveling separately, anyway, because we had planned for T to go home for a longer stretch than I am. He'll spend time with his family; when I come over a bit later, I'll see them all briefly, and then we'll travel to see my mother, who lives in another state. The source of tension is that our respective preferred travel dates leave a period of three weeks between the time he leaves for the US and the time I do, and we can't seem to find a good compromise. I simply can't imagine being without my daughter for three weeks, and I cannot imagine her going three weeks without me. T. doesn't think this is a big deal. Frankly, neither T. or I has been particularly rational in discussing it, so strong is his desire to go home for this period, and mine to be close to my daughter.
Part of how I feel is also wrapped up in the fact that I'm worried about this trip home. T. thinks that I am irrationally worried and he translates my worry into a lack of trust of him, but I simply can't help the worrying, and it's not about not trusting him. For most of the time we are apart, T. and Miss M would be staying with T.'s mother, who lives on a beach very close to a large body of water. I haven't told you yet about the terrifying beach incident from our vacation (because I'm hoping my brain will erase it from my memory), but needless to say, Miss M has no fear whatsoever of the water (indeed, she is drawn to it), and if a crisis can happen in front of our very eyes, I am afraid of what will happen when she has the temptation of water right in front of her house for three whole weeks. I am terrified that they will lose track of her for two minutes, and tragedy will strike. TERRIFIED. Of course I trust T. with her (he's VERY protective and watchful), but she's high-spirited and highly mobile and fast, and there will be so many visitors who want to chat with him and distract him. It will be next to impossible for her to NEVER be out of his sight. That's not even a reasonable expectation. And don't even get me started on the dangers lurking in my MIL's not-childproofed house!
Then there is all of the family drama that is going on at home. Part of T's family has been having an ugly dispute, and we are sure to be drawn into it when we go home. There is unfortunately no way to avoid it, as we have some possessions on loan to one of the parties, and we have to retrieve them due to the drama. It's all incredibly sad, too, as one party has badly taken advantage of another and yet blames the other for finally taking a stand and not putting up with it any more. It's awful to see a family member turn and bite the hand that has fed her for so long, especially when it's another family member. I don't want Miss M in the middle of that, either, but mostly I don't want T. to get dragged into it more than he already is. Deep in my bones, I feel like this trip is going to be bad for him. He is looking forward to it, and I just feel like it's going to be a massive disappointment to him, and that he's going to come back depressed. I know I can't prevent him from getting hurt on this trip (it's inevitable, in my mind), but I still want to try.
On top of all of that, there is someone who will periodically be around the beach this summer that I feel may be a threat to Miss M. I could be completely off base on this one, but it's one of those situations where your antennae perk up and you just sort of feel like something is off with the person, and you don't know what they could be capable of. So of course I don't want Miss M. to be around this person, just in case. It's a mental health/substance abuse issue the person suffers with, and by all accounts it's been particularly bad of late. T. is completely and utterly in agreement with me, and feels the same way. But him agreeing with me doesn't assuage my concerns about Miss M being in the vicinity of this person. Much like the water at the beach, I'm worried about those five minutes that she somehow might manage to be off everyone's radar, everyone but this person. It utterly terrifies me.
I think the only resolution is for me to suck up my fears and let them go back for 3 weeks. We can Skype every day. People have to bear much longer separations, and they survive. (Darla!) I know this. It's just hard, given all of the aforementioned.
Monday, June 27, 2011
First Results are in and. . .
Yeah, it's a BFN. No surprise there, really, but I still found myself squinching my eyes looking for that second line after I tested this morning.*
After scrutinizing my old cycles, I think the monitor is probably right in its assessment that I ovulated last Sunday, so today is probably only CD8, which is still too early. Onward we go. Tomorrow is another day, and all that jazz.
*Note that I post in EST, but I live in Europe. Although I'm crazy, I'm not crazy enough to be up, testing and posting at 2am.
After scrutinizing my old cycles, I think the monitor is probably right in its assessment that I ovulated last Sunday, so today is probably only CD8, which is still too early. Onward we go. Tomorrow is another day, and all that jazz.
*Note that I post in EST, but I live in Europe. Although I'm crazy, I'm not crazy enough to be up, testing and posting at 2am.
Sunday, June 26, 2011
Alone Time
I have a few hours to myself this morning. I rarely get these times, so I try to take advantage of them. My plan is to use it to go through some of Miss M's things, shower, and blog--albeit, not necessarily in that order!
I have a big rearranging project that I want to do, to make better use of her closets. I also want to empty out her crib, which has become a holding space for clean laundry. I want to make a really serious attempt at transitioning her to the crib, as we are still co-sleeping. It's been working out completely fine, but if I get pregnant in coming months, I know I will want her in her own bed, as sleeping will become difficult enough for me without getting kicked in the head by a toddler. She's been sleeping really well lately, so we should get some pretty long stretches out of her in the crib. I plan to do it like we've done everything else--gradually. I don't subscribe to "cry it out." If we go slowly and at her pace, I expect we'll get there eventually on this, and I'm in no particular hurry. It freaks her out to wake up alone in her crib, so it's really just a matter of getting her used to it, which will take time.
I've decided that I'll start testing either tonight or in the morning. I know it's probably too early, but I want a good baseline. I'm somewhere between 7dpo and 9dpo today, depending on when I ovulated. I think I'm probably closer to 7dpo, but I'm just not sure. I've tested positive at 9dpo with my other pregnancies, including the successful one with Miss M, so I think it makes sense to start testing today, with the thought that I'll probably test positive Tuesday or Wednesday if I am actually pregnant (which I still seriously doubt). I need to run out this morning and buy some new tests--even as expensive as they are, I'm going to break down and do it! I'll probably test once a day for the next few days. I could save myself some money and see how it goes, but why?
Shower and closets and pee sticks it is, then!
I have a big rearranging project that I want to do, to make better use of her closets. I also want to empty out her crib, which has become a holding space for clean laundry. I want to make a really serious attempt at transitioning her to the crib, as we are still co-sleeping. It's been working out completely fine, but if I get pregnant in coming months, I know I will want her in her own bed, as sleeping will become difficult enough for me without getting kicked in the head by a toddler. She's been sleeping really well lately, so we should get some pretty long stretches out of her in the crib. I plan to do it like we've done everything else--gradually. I don't subscribe to "cry it out." If we go slowly and at her pace, I expect we'll get there eventually on this, and I'm in no particular hurry. It freaks her out to wake up alone in her crib, so it's really just a matter of getting her used to it, which will take time.
I've decided that I'll start testing either tonight or in the morning. I know it's probably too early, but I want a good baseline. I'm somewhere between 7dpo and 9dpo today, depending on when I ovulated. I think I'm probably closer to 7dpo, but I'm just not sure. I've tested positive at 9dpo with my other pregnancies, including the successful one with Miss M, so I think it makes sense to start testing today, with the thought that I'll probably test positive Tuesday or Wednesday if I am actually pregnant (which I still seriously doubt). I need to run out this morning and buy some new tests--even as expensive as they are, I'm going to break down and do it! I'll probably test once a day for the next few days. I could save myself some money and see how it goes, but why?
Shower and closets and pee sticks it is, then!
Friday, June 24, 2011
Waiting on the Future
As I walked down the hall today at work, I marveled at how relaxed I am about TTC this time around. It is so much less stressful for me than TTC#1. I can honestly say that I am okay with whatever happens from here. If Miss M is our only child, then so be it. If we are lucky enough to have it work out again and we get pregnant and are able to have another child, even better. T is hoping and talking incessantly about twins, which is making me a little crazy, but even that would be joyous, although a bit stressful. Triplets? Let's not even go there (I'll live vicariously through Sassy Mama, thank you very much!)
I think I'll test on Monday or Tuesday, unless I can find one of those discount stores that sells cheapo pregnancy tests for $1 each. I know I've seen the stores around here at some point. . .I just can't remember where. Pregnancy tests are terribly expensive, but I have 3 left from last time (1 FRER, which I consider to be the best test out there for early testing, and 2 digitals, which I bought only to see the word "pregnant" pop up). If I can find cheapos, I'll definitely test on Sunday, because as relaxed as I am, I still enjoy a good science experiment!
As we wait to see if we are pregnant, we are also contemplating my next career move. My contract here is up in about a year, and we're in the process of deciding what we'll do next. We definitely want to stay abroad; it's really a question of where I want to work and what I want to do. It's unlikely we'll stay in Europe, though, so it involves all sorts of interesting discussions about just what we are willing to tolerate, and what is a dealbreaker. The pregnancy stuff plays in, too, as it will become much more complicated job-wise if we don't get pregnant in the next few months.
So, lots going on, amidst all of the usual day-to-day stuff.
I think I'll test on Monday or Tuesday, unless I can find one of those discount stores that sells cheapo pregnancy tests for $1 each. I know I've seen the stores around here at some point. . .I just can't remember where. Pregnancy tests are terribly expensive, but I have 3 left from last time (1 FRER, which I consider to be the best test out there for early testing, and 2 digitals, which I bought only to see the word "pregnant" pop up). If I can find cheapos, I'll definitely test on Sunday, because as relaxed as I am, I still enjoy a good science experiment!
As we wait to see if we are pregnant, we are also contemplating my next career move. My contract here is up in about a year, and we're in the process of deciding what we'll do next. We definitely want to stay abroad; it's really a question of where I want to work and what I want to do. It's unlikely we'll stay in Europe, though, so it involves all sorts of interesting discussions about just what we are willing to tolerate, and what is a dealbreaker. The pregnancy stuff plays in, too, as it will become much more complicated job-wise if we don't get pregnant in the next few months.
So, lots going on, amidst all of the usual day-to-day stuff.
Wednesday, June 22, 2011
Travel Tuesday, ICLW Edition
Welcome ICLWers! My TTC history is over on the sidebar. Here's a very brief summary: I have an amazing 17 month old daughter, Miss M, and a great husband. We're currently trying to have a second child using Clo.mid. In the past, I've struggled with late ovulation and short luteal phases, and we've had two miscarriages. Our daughter was conceived on Clo.mid. We are currently living in Europe, and I mostly blog about expat life, the baby, and TTC. On Tuesdays, I try to post about our travel exploits, so without further ado. . .
We are back from Italy, and I am exhausted. Between the Clo.mid kicking my ovaries for the better part of the week and the head cold that I ended up with, I need a vacation to recover from my vacation! But those things aside, it was fabulous. We spent most of the week on the Amalfi Coast, which was breathtakingly beautiful. Picture mountainous terrain that ends in a tumble of pastel colored houses falling toward turquoise seas. Or, see it yourself:
We rented a villa from Summer in Italy , and I can highly recommend the agency. The place we rented was gorgeous, even nicer than the photos, with an enormous patio that ran the entire length of the building, and overlooked the sea, with gorgeous views up and down the coast (we were high up on a hill). The agency was really helpful, and their prices were great. It's always hard to find an agency you trust, but they came highly recommended, and we were happy with them. We spent the week hiking and taking in the sights, and there were excellent hiking trails that started right down the street from us. The cute little grandfather who lived below our unit left us a basket of the best apricots for the baby, and she absolutely devoured them. It was just a perfect vacation.
We did this amazing hike that was incredibly hard, but so beautiful. My pictures don't even do it justice. It wound up through the mountains then back down to the ocean, through terraced lemon groves and wild olive trees, and fragrant patches of rosemary and fennel and sage and oregano growing wild everywhere. The sea glinted through the trees far, far below us, and we could hear the tinkling of sheep grazing somewhere on a terrace below us. It was simply magical.
On another day, we traveled to Paestum to see the ancient ruins there. The transportation connections were a little tough, but it was SO worth it! It was gorgeous, and so cool to see some of the best preserved Greek temples in the world (in Italy, no less!). During WWII, one of the temples was used as a Allied military field hospital during the final stages of the war, which added to the cool factor. It was in a rural area, and a huge site which included three temples, but it was almost deserted. It felt incredibly special to be walking around such an ancient and once sacred place. One of the coolest things was that there was a pool there, which women used to walk through in ancient times to try to increase their fertility. Even 2000 years ago, they struggled! The pool was still there, perfectly preserved, albeit without any water. The stones were still intact, including the shallow end where they once waded in. The temples at the site were roped off, but nothing else was, so of course I waded in (grass was growing over the stones, so I didn't feel like I was disturbing ancient ruins). Hopefully a little 2000 year old fertility magic rubbed off on me!
All in all, just a really great vacation. Miss M was a champion traveler--she loves people, she loves to sit high in her perch in the backpack as we hike around, and she really loved the food. She is going to be a wonderful travel companion as she grows.
On the TTC front, I have to say that Clo.mid was kind of rough this month. I know I shouldn't whine, because there are women using much more challenging drugs. But, I'm going to! I took it CD2-6 this time, rather than CD5-10 as I did the last few times I've used it. My ovaries both swelled, and I was in pain all week and enormously swollen. The pain continued as I ovulated. I was just swollen and in pain, and then with the head cold. . .yuck. There was a point where I was so miserable, I thought that I just didn't want to do another cycle of Clo.mid, if this one doesn't work out. I'm probably not THERE, now that the pain has cleared, but still.
I'm not exactly sure when I ovulated--I had loads of CM on CD14 and 15; the monitor gave me a peak on CD16, though. Our timing wasn't perfect, given that we have a toddler to entertain, and were vacationing with my stepsister. In fact, I'm kind of surprised we got to work anything in at all! Despite swimming in the ancient fertility pool, I'm not optimistic about this cycle. I'm not feeling it. It's so interesting, though, how much more relaxed I feel about everything now that we are TTC#2. It was so much more stressful before. I haven't even decided if I'll test, and if so, when! Last time, I practically had the tests lined up on the bathroom counter once I ovulated! I do enjoy testing, though. Maybe the beginning of next week?
We are back from Italy, and I am exhausted. Between the Clo.mid kicking my ovaries for the better part of the week and the head cold that I ended up with, I need a vacation to recover from my vacation! But those things aside, it was fabulous. We spent most of the week on the Amalfi Coast, which was breathtakingly beautiful. Picture mountainous terrain that ends in a tumble of pastel colored houses falling toward turquoise seas. Or, see it yourself:
We rented a villa from Summer in Italy , and I can highly recommend the agency. The place we rented was gorgeous, even nicer than the photos, with an enormous patio that ran the entire length of the building, and overlooked the sea, with gorgeous views up and down the coast (we were high up on a hill). The agency was really helpful, and their prices were great. It's always hard to find an agency you trust, but they came highly recommended, and we were happy with them. We spent the week hiking and taking in the sights, and there were excellent hiking trails that started right down the street from us. The cute little grandfather who lived below our unit left us a basket of the best apricots for the baby, and she absolutely devoured them. It was just a perfect vacation.
We did this amazing hike that was incredibly hard, but so beautiful. My pictures don't even do it justice. It wound up through the mountains then back down to the ocean, through terraced lemon groves and wild olive trees, and fragrant patches of rosemary and fennel and sage and oregano growing wild everywhere. The sea glinted through the trees far, far below us, and we could hear the tinkling of sheep grazing somewhere on a terrace below us. It was simply magical.
On another day, we traveled to Paestum to see the ancient ruins there. The transportation connections were a little tough, but it was SO worth it! It was gorgeous, and so cool to see some of the best preserved Greek temples in the world (in Italy, no less!). During WWII, one of the temples was used as a Allied military field hospital during the final stages of the war, which added to the cool factor. It was in a rural area, and a huge site which included three temples, but it was almost deserted. It felt incredibly special to be walking around such an ancient and once sacred place. One of the coolest things was that there was a pool there, which women used to walk through in ancient times to try to increase their fertility. Even 2000 years ago, they struggled! The pool was still there, perfectly preserved, albeit without any water. The stones were still intact, including the shallow end where they once waded in. The temples at the site were roped off, but nothing else was, so of course I waded in (grass was growing over the stones, so I didn't feel like I was disturbing ancient ruins). Hopefully a little 2000 year old fertility magic rubbed off on me!
All in all, just a really great vacation. Miss M was a champion traveler--she loves people, she loves to sit high in her perch in the backpack as we hike around, and she really loved the food. She is going to be a wonderful travel companion as she grows.
On the TTC front, I have to say that Clo.mid was kind of rough this month. I know I shouldn't whine, because there are women using much more challenging drugs. But, I'm going to! I took it CD2-6 this time, rather than CD5-10 as I did the last few times I've used it. My ovaries both swelled, and I was in pain all week and enormously swollen. The pain continued as I ovulated. I was just swollen and in pain, and then with the head cold. . .yuck. There was a point where I was so miserable, I thought that I just didn't want to do another cycle of Clo.mid, if this one doesn't work out. I'm probably not THERE, now that the pain has cleared, but still.
I'm not exactly sure when I ovulated--I had loads of CM on CD14 and 15; the monitor gave me a peak on CD16, though. Our timing wasn't perfect, given that we have a toddler to entertain, and were vacationing with my stepsister. In fact, I'm kind of surprised we got to work anything in at all! Despite swimming in the ancient fertility pool, I'm not optimistic about this cycle. I'm not feeling it. It's so interesting, though, how much more relaxed I feel about everything now that we are TTC#2. It was so much more stressful before. I haven't even decided if I'll test, and if so, when! Last time, I practically had the tests lined up on the bathroom counter once I ovulated! I do enjoy testing, though. Maybe the beginning of next week?
Sunday, June 12, 2011
Vacation
Ahhhhh.... Italian sunrise, birds chirping, wAves crashing far below, the occasional scooter buzzing somewhere way off in the distNce, church bells, and glorious fresh coffee. Oh, and free wifi. It is a peaceful, magnificent morning. I watched the sun rise up over the coast as the first fishing boats headed out this morning, as an old woman swept her patio in her housedress a few terraces below me. Lush olive and fig trees coed the hillside above me. Even the milky white pigeons are gorgeous here. In this space, I feel incredibly relaxed and peaceful-a nice chAnge from the whirlwind travel and sightseeing of the pAst few days.
I feel so incredibly lucky and so blessed. It has been almost a year to the day since I left my old life. We have in some wAys come so far so fast. It's hard to believe that things could improve so much in such a short time. 18 months ago, I could have never imagined that so much was in store for me-so much goodness and light. The sweet, chatty, giggling firecracker thT is currently sleeping peacefully inside--the amazing new job that always throws something new at me--my kind, patient husband, who has gone from running his own business to running our household and done a fab job of it--and the travel! So much joy.
I'm so thankful, too, that we have been able to share all of this with family and friends. So many people have visited us in person and virtually. My stepsister is on this trip with us, and I'm having a blAst wAtching her experience this trip. I will never forget the look on her face our first morning in Rome, when we stepped inside the Pantheon. The awe and wonder and excitement...priceless. She's only Ned Broad once before, to visit us at Christmas. It is such a joy to watch travel perform its magic on her. I hope we are instilling lifelong lessons about the possibilities the world holds. The trip is ostensibly our college graduation gift to her, but really, it's the bigger lesson about spreading your wings and exploring the unknown, which I hope to impart.
Excuse the typing-iPhone errors! Someone is stirring inside, so I'm off
PS. High on the monitor on CD9. Clom.I'd seems to be working!
I feel so incredibly lucky and so blessed. It has been almost a year to the day since I left my old life. We have in some wAys come so far so fast. It's hard to believe that things could improve so much in such a short time. 18 months ago, I could have never imagined that so much was in store for me-so much goodness and light. The sweet, chatty, giggling firecracker thT is currently sleeping peacefully inside--the amazing new job that always throws something new at me--my kind, patient husband, who has gone from running his own business to running our household and done a fab job of it--and the travel! So much joy.
I'm so thankful, too, that we have been able to share all of this with family and friends. So many people have visited us in person and virtually. My stepsister is on this trip with us, and I'm having a blAst wAtching her experience this trip. I will never forget the look on her face our first morning in Rome, when we stepped inside the Pantheon. The awe and wonder and excitement...priceless. She's only Ned Broad once before, to visit us at Christmas. It is such a joy to watch travel perform its magic on her. I hope we are instilling lifelong lessons about the possibilities the world holds. The trip is ostensibly our college graduation gift to her, but really, it's the bigger lesson about spreading your wings and exploring the unknown, which I hope to impart.
Excuse the typing-iPhone errors! Someone is stirring inside, so I'm off
PS. High on the monitor on CD9. Clom.I'd seems to be working!
Wednesday, June 8, 2011
On Hiatus!
Just a quick note to say that I am finally taking a real vacation, for the first time since 2008. (I keep having to point out to childless people that maternity leave isn't exactly vacation; they totally don't get it). We're leaving tomorrow for a week on the Italian coast. I've been looking forward to it for a long time, and I'm so excited.
I also feel like crap, which just irritates me. Why do I have to feel lousy as we leave for vacation? But I've been having indigestion and some light heart palpitations, and Clo.mid days 2-6 has resulted in hot flashes (didn't have them last time on CD5-9) and a period that goes on and on and on. I'm really kind of ready to be done with it, so it's a good thing tomorrow is CD6, and my last dose of Clo.mid. I'm really hoping that getting some sleep and relaxing (and no more coffee or tea, which I've been off since I realized my stomach was really acting up a few weeks ago) will make it all better.
Miss M turns 17 months tomorrow, too. I can hardly believe it. She's sitting by my feet (got off the couch--who knows why?) and watching Mickey Mouse Clubhouse as I type this--a huge favorite of hers. She carried the remotes to me so that I would turn the tv on for her. Uh-oh! She is getting to be such a little girl, and constantly cracks me up with all of her new words and phrases. Tonight at dinner it was "all gone!" She seems to master something new every time I turn around. She is just a blast. I am so looking forward to spending this vacation with her and T.
See you in a week or so!
Monday, June 6, 2011
Guilty Little Pleasures
Two of the things I miss most about not being in the US (other than friends and family, of course) is good Tex-Mex and bad tv. Yesterday we got a healthy dose of both, and it was pretty amazing.
I've always had something of an affinity for Latin America. When I was in high school, people thought it was silly that I was studying Spanish instead of French; a couple of decades later, immigration and migration patterns have made me look pretty smart. Along with language and culture, Latinos have dumped fantastic cuisine into the melting pot, and I think it's become a part of American culture to a point where we don't even think about it. Even in the Northeastern part of the US, this is true. But here in western Europe, there are very few people from Latin America, and hence, there is no decent Latin American cuisine. I'm in a major city, and I can probably count all of the Mexican restaurants on one hand. We've scoured the city for decent Mexican. I can't even find jalapenos fresh at the market (and at home, I cooked with them every week!). I asked my secretary if she had any idea where to find them, and she had no idea what I was even talking about!
So it was a pretty big deal last weekend when we finally checked out a restaurant we'd heard about, and it turned out to even be pretty good--the best Mexican food we've been able to find. It was so good that we went back this weekend, and I happily paid 15$ for two small fish tacos while T. scarfed down a $12 steak burrito. Our bill, for chips, salsa, guacamole, a soda, a mojito, a cheese quesadilla, a burrito and my two tacos, was $60, including tip, but it was worth every last penny. Heaven! (As a side note, it is insanely expensive here, and I can tell from my willingness to spend $15 on tacos that I really have been here for a while.)
Miss M was hilarious at the restaurant. She loves the chips, and would eat little bits of quesadilla, but was mostly too delighted to be sitting at the table to really eat. They had cool high chairs that pulled right up to the table, and she was loving it. I tried to give her guacamole, and she REALLY didn't like it (no worries--it wasn't at all spicy). She was trying to scrape it off her tongue to get it out of her mouth. My husband doesn't like avocados, either, so I guess she's taking after daddy on that.
Don't tell anyone, but last summer, we became totally hooked on that ridiculous show called "Pretty Lit.tle Liars." Sadly, they've only been showing last summer's episodes here. Although there is a lot of American television on cable here, it's ridiculous how far behind it runs from the U.S. schedule. For a few shows, we get the episodes just a few weeks later, but more often, it's MONTHS. We hadn't seen a new episode of PLL since last August, and today T. mentioned the show, so I looked it up online. Where have we been? It's been airing in the US since January! Sadly, we can't stream it from any of the free sites, because they require you to be in the US (damn licensing laws!). So, we bought a couple of episodes from i.Tunes and indulged. It's so bad, but so delicious. (Who is A? What does he/she want? It's clearly not Toby or his creepy sister, given the last episode. Is it Noah, or is that just another ruse? No, don't tell me--I still have this entire season to watch!)
PS I started the Clo.mid. It's a little weird to be taking in on CD2. Like, I already have to deal with my period--it feels a little unfair to be struck with it and Clo.mid at the same time. The good news is that it was inexpensive. They gave me the entire prescription (for 6 months worth) all at once, and it was only about $40 US for all of it. I didn't even both to use my health insurance, which would have only doled it out one month at a time, and charged me a copay of $10 each month. It made me wonder how much of a medication's actual cost is covered or even exceeded by copays.
Saturday, June 4, 2011
The Plan, Stan
I had an interesting visit with the doctor yesterday.
I had the last appointment of the day, but she was running right on time. Doctors visits that I have experienced here have been distinctly different from the U.S.. The doctor came to the reception area herself and greeted me. She is maybe ten years older than I am, and was very cool. She took me into her office, which had the setup I've come to expect: there is an examining table, AND the doctor's desk, chairs, etc. We sat down and chatted for maybe 20 or 30 minutes about my history. It was mostly a good discussion, except for the part where she seemed a little discouraging about having a second child at all (she questioned why I wanted a second child, and said she was "still traumatized" by her children's toddlerhood--but, she and her husband are both doctors, so it was chaotic). I thought that was a little. . .odd. But, whatever. She did the usual exam, in the same office (no stirrups, which struck me as unusual), and also did an ultrasound to check my lining and ovaries. She had a little tiny laptop-like setup right there, which was kind of cool. Then I got dressed, and we talked for a while longer.
She said that everything looks really good, and that my system is clearly finally responding hormonally. She said I got a really slow start post-breastfeeding, but she's happy that everything is working now. We talked a lot about Clo.mid, and whether I should use it. She didn't really have any concerns about using it at my age. She said it affects everyone differently, in terms of how it works and what its effect is on the lining. And, I did get pregnant both times I used it before (although, one of those pregnancies didn't stick). After doing the full exam, she said that she was fine with either prescribing it, or waiting and seeing how things went. She thought both were reasonable options. We also talked about my timeframe, and how we'll be moving again during the fall of 2012, likely to a place with a less robust medical system. In light of that, she recommended using the Clo.mid now, to "regulate" things and really get things going. She gave me a prescription for 6 MONTHS of the stuff (!!), for use on days 2-6, although I used it on days 5-9 in the past. She said that there are different protocols for how to use it, which I was aware of, and she believes in prescribing it for 2-6. I'm fine with that. She also said that they usually do a scan around CD12, to make sure that you aren't producing too many eggs. Unfortunately (well, not really!), we're headed out on vacation next week, and won't be around on CD12. She said that was fine. And, $700 later, I was on my way. (I have to pay up front, and then try to get reimbursed by my insurance company.) I feel like I got my money's worth, though, as that covered the visit, the ultrasound, and the cost of the pap smear analysis--plus, I was there with her for about an hour.
Then this morning, I got my period. I can't believe the timing. That means Clo.mid starts. . .tomorrow!
So all in all, I feel really good about things. I found a doctor I really like, I have answers, and a plan. When I met up with T. and Miss M. after my appointment, he also was really relieved to have a plan. He's anxious to have a second child, and glad to just have a timeframe and a plan finally in place.
I must say, though, that I am suddenly having a little anxiety about twins. Clo.mid increases the possibility to 5-10%. If it had happened the first time, I would have been perfectly happy with that (although, no doubt been a nervous freak about carrying a twin pregnancy, given the increased risks). Now that we have Miss M. (and know what we're in for by adding a single baby), the idea of twins freaks me out a little. At the same time, we would obviously be thrilled, particularly T. So much joy! We are also in the enviable position of being able to have him stay home with the kids, and we will likely be able to afford to hire an extra pair of hands. But still. . .that's a lot of chaos on so many levels.
Now I have to deal with one of the odd issues that only comes up when you are trying to create a baby. . .we're taking my step-sister on vacation with us, as her graduation gift. We are really excited to see her, and to be able to share this incredible adventure with her. She has her own room for most of the trip, but for our very last night, we were just going to grab a triple, because we've had trouble finding a place that has two rooms at a reasonable price. But, now that my period has arrived, the last night of our vacation is CD15, which means we kind of need our own room. But, not such a bad "problem" to have!
Thursday, June 2, 2011
Appointment
I've had a little trouble making the appointment for my annual exam. Last week was crazy at work, and it just didn't happen. When I finally connected today with the office of the doctor I had chosen, it turned out that she is on sabbatical. . .in the Middle East. So much for all of the agonizing I did over selecting a doctor. You'd think that her website might mention that she's not currently accepting new patients.
I called the second choice on my list, and it turned out that they have a cancellation for tomorrow. Hopefully, AF will hold off for long enough. I realized I'd forgotten something in my last post--it wasn't just that I had late ovulation, but also that I had a really short luteal phase. If I ovulated normally last Monday or Tuesday, I seem to be back on track, as far as that is concerned, which is a huge relief.
So, that's my news. GYN appointment tomorrow, and hopefully, that will lead to a doctor I like, and a plan.
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