The bad news is that I tested again this morning, and it's another BFN. Although I have just one baby to show for it, I've been pregnant three times, and truthfully, I just am not feeling it this month. The BFN is no surprise. In some ways, it's okay. In other ways, I just want to hurry up and be pregnant.
The good news is that I found my favorite pregnancy tests on sale yesterday! I got 4 FRER's for about $15. Hurray for that! Yeah, you really have to hold on to the little happinesses when TTC. . .otherwise, it'll drive you mad. And now in a completely different direction. . .
We've been having some fairly bitter disputes lately about a trip we are taking home this summer, and it's casting a cloud over my little world. For a few different reasons, T. wants to travel to the US at the beginning of August. For a few other reasons, it makes the most sense for me to travel at the end of August. We are traveling separately, anyway, because we had planned for T to go home for a longer stretch than I am. He'll spend time with his family; when I come over a bit later, I'll see them all briefly, and then we'll travel to see my mother, who lives in another state. The source of tension is that our respective preferred travel dates leave a period of three weeks between the time he leaves for the US and the time I do, and we can't seem to find a good compromise. I simply can't imagine being without my daughter for three weeks, and I cannot imagine her going three weeks without me. T. doesn't think this is a big deal. Frankly, neither T. or I has been particularly rational in discussing it, so strong is his desire to go home for this period, and mine to be close to my daughter.
Part of how I feel is also wrapped up in the fact that I'm worried about this trip home. T. thinks that I am irrationally worried and he translates my worry into a lack of trust of him, but I simply can't help the worrying, and it's not about not trusting him. For most of the time we are apart, T. and Miss M would be staying with T.'s mother, who lives on a beach very close to a large body of water. I haven't told you yet about the terrifying beach incident from our vacation (because I'm hoping my brain will erase it from my memory), but needless to say, Miss M has no fear whatsoever of the water (indeed, she is drawn to it), and if a crisis can happen in front of our very eyes, I am afraid of what will happen when she has the temptation of water right in front of her house for three whole weeks. I am terrified that they will lose track of her for two minutes, and tragedy will strike. TERRIFIED. Of course I trust T. with her (he's VERY protective and watchful), but she's high-spirited and highly mobile and fast, and there will be so many visitors who want to chat with him and distract him. It will be next to impossible for her to NEVER be out of his sight. That's not even a reasonable expectation. And don't even get me started on the dangers lurking in my MIL's not-childproofed house!
Then there is all of the family drama that is going on at home. Part of T's family has been having an ugly dispute, and we are sure to be drawn into it when we go home. There is unfortunately no way to avoid it, as we have some possessions on loan to one of the parties, and we have to retrieve them due to the drama. It's all incredibly sad, too, as one party has badly taken advantage of another and yet blames the other for finally taking a stand and not putting up with it any more. It's awful to see a family member turn and bite the hand that has fed her for so long, especially when it's another family member. I don't want Miss M in the middle of that, either, but mostly I don't want T. to get dragged into it more than he already is. Deep in my bones, I feel like this trip is going to be bad for him. He is looking forward to it, and I just feel like it's going to be a massive disappointment to him, and that he's going to come back depressed. I know I can't prevent him from getting hurt on this trip (it's inevitable, in my mind), but I still want to try.
On top of all of that, there is someone who will periodically be around the beach this summer that I feel may be a threat to Miss M. I could be completely off base on this one, but it's one of those situations where your antennae perk up and you just sort of feel like something is off with the person, and you don't know what they could be capable of. So of course I don't want Miss M. to be around this person, just in case. It's a mental health/substance abuse issue the person suffers with, and by all accounts it's been particularly bad of late. T. is completely and utterly in agreement with me, and feels the same way. But him agreeing with me doesn't assuage my concerns about Miss M being in the vicinity of this person. Much like the water at the beach, I'm worried about those five minutes that she somehow might manage to be off everyone's radar, everyone but this person. It utterly terrifies me.
I think the only resolution is for me to suck up my fears and let them go back for 3 weeks. We can Skype every day. People have to bear much longer separations, and they survive. (Darla!) I know this. It's just hard, given all of the aforementioned.