Relief

I got my test results today.  I won't lie--I did everything in my power to distract myself and try to keep busy, and try to avoid getting them, frankly.  You don't get your results from a doctor here.  You get them yourself, and then take them to your doctor.  It's grueling, because if you read there is a problem, or you have questions, then there is no one to talk to in the moment.  So, I thought through a million scenarios for how I could avoid getting the results, and then I put on my big girl panties and sent the email asking for them to be emailed to me.

When I first learned of the tumor, I was sitting at my desk, in my office.  It was, to be honest, traumatic.  And I wasn't sure I could do that again.  And of course, when I glanced at my inbox and saw the report had arrived, I was on my way to a meeting.  I nevertheless opened it up immediately and scanned each report for the bottom line.  But today, despite all of my worrying, the results were just fine.  One weird thing in my liver, but one I've known of for years, and which is thought to be benign. But nothing else.  I feel so lucky, so blessed, so relieved.  I keep saying that my medical Spanish isn't perfect, that maybe I am missing something, but truthfully, I feel I understand the reports well, and there is no cause for worry in this moment.  I feel relieved, for now--free of worry.  Until my next monitoring appointment, anyway.

I also talked with my boss here, and she is fine with me wrapping up whenever I need to.  So, a departure of between late April and July is in the cards.  Now I just need to sort out what works for us, as a family.

We also decided to start SB in preschool on Wednesday.  She needs it.  It will be really good for her.  The only wrinkle is that the school has just informed me they'd like me to stay with her 3 hours the first day, then decreasing amounts of time on subsequent days.  And I can't.  I'm a working mother, and I took off 1.5 days last week for my tests and an emergency with SB (she fell and hit her eye on the corner of a tablet Friday--totally fine, but for a shiner, but gave us a hell of a scare).  Repeated days of missed work, in a week my boss and coworkers are already traveling, is not in the cards.  I have such working mother's guilt.  I feel like I should be there.  On the other hand, my kid loves the nanny, and she can totally stay.  The preschool hates nannies, so I am sure they are going to freak, but I don't have a ton of options.  And at the end of the day, I'm not sure I agree that a mom staying is the best way to transition.

I feel like I have been given such a gift. More time...it's priceless.