Saturday, January 24, 2009

I Don't Know What To Think Any More

I feel like the gulf between me and motherhood is ever-widening. I haven't blogged about it, because I mostly want to pretend it's not true. I want to believe that I'm okay and everything is okay and we're going to be back in the proverbial saddle in no time. But I must confess, it might not be true. And I'm scared.

While doing some tests to get to the bottom of how I've been feeling since sc.uba div.ing in Hond.uras, they found some abnormalities on a CT scan. They're not in the area of my back/chest that I'm having the discomfort, so they aren't related to how I've been feeling (well, probably not). Nonetheless, one of the differential diagnoses for the abnormalities is can.cer. There is an abnormality on the scan in the area of my hip and another in my liver. They are tiny, and my doctor was quick to tell me that the danger of doing CT scans is that they reveal things that are perfectly normal for a particular individual, but appear as abnormalities because they don't appear in the general population at large. I haven't posted about this, because I spend most of my time thinking happy thoughts and trying to be positive. But it's not entirely working, and I just need to get it out. Maybe then it will be easier for me to be positive in my head.

The first couple of rounds of blood tests have all come back normal, but I've done enough research to know that there can be something wrong, and you still have normal results for the tests I've had done. I really wasn't expecting this. I thought maybe the scan would show I'd injured something in my back. I definitely didn't see this coming, and I don't think my doctor did, either. The last time I talked to her, she wasn't sure exactly how we should proceed, which wasn't exactly comforting. I'll speak with her again this week, now that I've done more tests (all with normal results). No matter what, we will NOT be taking a "wait-and-see" approach.

I'm sick of being sick. I have had a ridiculous number of medical issues over the last 18 months. None of them have been overly serious to date, and hopefully this will turn out to be nothing, as well. But really, it's getting a little ridiculous. Don't I deserve to be normal and move on with my life, at this point? Haven't I suffered enough? Can't I just go and have a healthy pregnancy and a happy baby? Do I really deserve to have to worry about scary, horrible medical stuff, after the hell of the last year?

I'm just so damned tired of all this.

6 comments:

JamieD said...

Oh, Queenie. I am so sorry you have to go through this. You are right - you have been through MORE THAN your fair share of medical issues. It is past your turn to be happy, carefree and have all your dreams fulfilled.

I can understand not blogging about it. I usually need to spend a few days rolling things around in my head. Putting it on paper for the world to read makes it real.

I wish I could give you a squeeze and tell you it was all going to be okay.

If I can do anything for you, please tell. Otherwise, you'll be in my thoughts and prayers.

Manda said...

Oh sweetheart. I'm so sorry you have even more shit on your plate to deal with. I'm choosing to think happy fluffy bunny thoughts for you. If you need to scream, cry, rant, etc., I'm just an email away. All the time. *hugs*

VA Blondie said...

I am sorry you are dealing with all of this. It does not seem fair.

Keep breathing, and take it one day at a time.

You are in my thoughts and prayers.

~Jess said...

I hope it's nothing sweetie *hugs* I'll be thinking about you and praying for you, that everything is normal and that there is nothing to worry about. You guys deserve a break with everything that's been going on *hugs*

Wordgirl said...

Hi Queenie,

I echo all the thoughts here -- blogging has helped me immensely -- just getting it out there into the world...out of my mind...I had an incidental finding on a CT scan -- my doctor said one thing, Dr google another -- in the end I resolved myself to trust my doctor and the tests and get a recheck soon...

I wish you peace of mind-- pamper yourself if you can...and in the meantime I'll be thinking of you.

Pam

Guera! said...

oh dear I am so sorry to hear about what's been going on. That was so out of left field. I do hope you take charge and get the care you need and the reassurance.