Monday, January 19, 2009

Trying Thoughts

I just dug out the prenatal vitamins today and started taking them. I haven't taken any vitamins in a few months. Bad, I know, but I've been really angry at my body, so I stopped taking them. How's that for twisted logic? But anyway, I've started up again, in preparation for starting up again.

Now that we're just weeks away from trying again, I've got all kinds of thoughts flying through my head. I'm scared, for one. They never did get to the bottom of what happened while I was on vacation. Everything has come back normal, for the most part. There were a few weird things that showed up on the CT scan, but my doctor says they may just be normal things for me. I've got to have a few more tests done to confirm that, but I'm proceeding on the assumption that everything will come back fine. I am working off the belief that something weird just happened when I was scubadiving. But what if I'm wrong, and something goes horribly awry while I'm pregnant? On the other hand, I've had a million tests done, and nothing has come up. I'm feeling better, for the most part, and the clock is ticking. I can't just keep waiting for something bad to happen, because it probably (hopefully!) won't, and that would just be stupid.

And two, I'm scared. Not about health stuff, but about baby stuff. It's really scaring the shit out of me, now that we're back to this point. For a while, it seemed like it would never get here (and it may never get here, but this is the year of living optimistically for me, so let's pretend it could, it might, it will), so I stopped thinking about how terrifying the idea of being a parent is. But now that we will soon be officially trying again, I've been thinking about it. You know, Terrific T. and I aren't spring chickens. It's truly scary to imagine our house with a baby in it. It's scary to think about parenthood, and all of the responsibility. It's scary to think about how our lives will change.

Okay, just had to get that out there. It's exciting, too. I'm thrilled that we're almost back. Every day brings us one step closer. And all of a sudden Buzz Lightyear has popped into my head--"To infinity and beyond!"

The adoption talk has sort of stalled. T. recently asked me what kind of adoption I envisioned, and someone knocked at the door just as I was about to answer. I know we'll get back to the conversation, but it remains really difficult. Perhaps it will get easier as we are trying, if it does not go well, but maybe it will get harder. Maybe I should push the discussion now, before we are actually trying. The problem with TTC is that it is addictive. There is always the hope, the feeling that the next cycle could be THE cycle. Once we're in the throes of that, I don't know how it will feel to also be talking about adoption. I know we need the "Plan B," though. I wish I could figure out why it's such a hard discussion to have. I wish I could fast-forward through this next bit, and not have to work out the hard stuff.


JamieD said...

TTC is scary. It is a constant inner struggle for me - the dread of starting a new cycle always followed by the disappointment of the failure. But we keep at it.

Hang in there, girlie.

~Jess said...

The whole thing is scary, a drug addiction is the best way to describe it. It's all a sit there fritterin away your money thinking this is it.


HeidiM said...

I'll be rooting for you. Some day in the future when you have your child, however you have him or her, hopefully the pain and struggle will be nothing in comparison to the satisfaction you will feel.

I think that women who persist (like you) are not weak (like an addict) but strong and brave, and are wonderful role models for other women who struggle.

How's that for a motivational minute?