Monday, May 2, 2011

My Personal Olympics

All of a sudden, summer is here. It's warm, it's sunny, and every time I step out my door into the sunshine, I am greeted by the sweet perfume of armfuls of tea roses. I had no idea there were so many rosebushes in our yard (we moved in during the fall). It is glorious.

And with summer came my period.

I had wondered what it would be like. Between being pregnant and breast feeding, I haven't had it in more than two years. TWO YEARS! Crazy. I knew it was coming, from how I've been feeling of late. And you know what? It was exactly like it used to be, really--not heavier, not worse, nothing different. I got it on Thursday night, and it was gone by Saturday night. I had been afraid that it would be big and long and awful, but it wasn't. It just seems so weird to be having it again.

So, Friday is Day 1 of this cycle.

T is beside himself excited, because he wants to get going on #2. He is really, really excited to have a second child. I am. . .excited for a second child, not necessarily looking forward to being pregnant again. It's stupid and selfish, I know, but it has been really nice having my body back to myself. I can have as much coffee as I want, and eat sushi when I feel like it without worrying about mercury and other contents, skip lunch if I feel like it, stay up late, drink mojitos. . .all things I DON'T do when pregnant or nursing. I know I put too much pressure on myself to be behaviorally perfect when I am pregnant/nursing, but I am neurotic, and I need to know that I've done everything I can to have a healthy baby. THAT, in turn, has led to what I'm going to call my maternity fatigue. I'm totally into being a mother. I'm totally into having a family. It's fun to fantasize what it will be like to be blessed with a sibling for Miss M. But. But. Pregnancy feels like a lot of work right now. The last year feels like a lot of work. And I really, really like where we are with Miss M right now, who is learning all sorts of new words, obsessed with animals, and just so aware and chipper and fun. It is a BLAST.

But with each tick of the clock, I inch closer to 39. The statistics are scary. Time is not on my side if I want a second child. So, in we wade.

I'm excited about trying again, actually. I pulled out my old fertility monitor today. It's got some weird purple goop on the bottom, and the batteries are dead. I've got a box of expired test sticks (January 2010!), too. I figure this will be my "test" cycle, to remember how this stuff works, get a feel for my cycle, kick the tires, etc. Oh yeah, and get a pap smear and check out a new OB. I'm in a new city, and healthcare here is as yet untested. I know a few women who have had babies in recent months, but not well enough to quiz about their prenatal care. At least, not if I don't want my office knowing that I'm thinking of trying. Which, I don't. I have a list of doctors that are "recommended" though, and I'm going to start to sort through them today. Really, only one practice has all women, and unless the internet tells me they have four heads, I will see them. I need to ask their opinion on Clo.mid (we used it the cycle we got pregnant with Miss M, as well as the one before that that resulted in a (very early) m/c. And also about progesterone suppositories, which we also used with Miss M.

I'm going to venture out now in search of new batteries for my monitor, and maybe a BBT thermometer. Maybe some Preseed if I am feeling really peppy. Because nothing says "all in" like a pile of equipment on the nightstand. Oh, and I should dust off my charting software. . .let the control freak games begin!


Serendipity said...

I feel pretty much the same about pregnancy. We're day 10 of an IVF cycle and I still feel that I don't particularly want to be pregnant again... I do very much want a sibling for D though.

we're driven by the whole it could take us another 6 years, we better get started if we want them to be close in age thing. I'd be delighted if it worked first time but at the same time I don't think i'll be crushed if it doesn't.

~Jess said...

It's funny how somethings just go back to complete normalcy after years of being different.

Barb said...

You aren't stupid or selfish at all. I know exactly what you mean. And while I loved having my pregnancy and all the new amazing things, I'm not at all sure I want to do it again.

Thanks so much for your comment on my own meanderings