Hmmrgh

I don't really know what to do with myself. I'll be 40 weeks on Friday. I had Miss M at 39 weeks 3 days. (I should mention here that since I was keeping such close track of my cycles, I know EXACTLY what day I conceived with both pregnancies, so my due dates were really solid with both pregnancies.) I really thought I would have this baby early, particularly given how active I've been. That obviously hasn't happened. I've been having loads of contractions, and last night they were so bad they woke me in the middle of the night. I was sure that I'd wake up in full blown labor later on. But, it didn't happen. In fact, once I got up this morning, the contractions went away entirely. (The same thing happened last Thursday). We hung out at home this morning, I took a nap, we went for lunch, we took a long walk. . .and still, nothing. I'm having contractions, but I just don't feel like they are going anywhere.

So that leads me to, should I go to work tomorrow? I don't really feel like going to work any more. I hate to waste my scant maternity leave hanging out at home doing very little, though. Not that hanging out with Miss M and T is "wasted" time, but I do feel like we'll want that time together AFTER the baby is here. Sigh. I don't know what to do. I certainly don't want to go into labor at work. And have I mentioned I don't feel like going to work any more? The new management team really is so disorganized that I don't enjoy being there right now. I'm ready to be out of there for a while.

I also just kind of want to be left alone with my thoughts right now. I don't want to deal with anyone. T keeps commenting about how little I've spoken to him today, but I just don't feel like it. I just kind of want to hang out and read and be mellow (except when Miss M is talking to me, because she's just hilarious). He doesn't understand that, I can tell. But going to work will be even worse, because people there really won't understand wanting to be left alone!

My doctor likes to text her patients, which I find really funny. She texts with normal test results, for example. (I assume if there was a problem, she would actually call.) Today she texted me to make sure I was okay, because she was at the hospital and saw my record out in the delivery ward. Since there is no way I could deliver without her (this hospital doesn't have roving delivery doctors or an ER--you HAVE to see your own doctor to deliver there). I assured her (also via text) that I had no idea why they might have my records out, and that I am still enormously pregnant and waiting for something to happen. Her response? "Great!!" Um, that's not really the word I had in mind.

It's not that I'm uncomfortable, or in a hurry to deliver, or frustrated or at my wit's end, or anything like that. I know a lot of pregnant women are just DONE at almost 40 weeks, and I think with Miss M I was just about there. But this time around, I'm still quite comfortable, no doubt thanks to all of the walking I've done throughout this pregnancy. I'm truly not in a hurry. I think what's bothering me is the work stuff, and having so little leave, and being so worried about using well the time that I have. If I had unlimited leave, I'd be hanging out at home and not giving a second thought to when the baby might arrive. Every morning that I wake up and I'm not in labor, I struggle with what to do, and whether I feel "bad" enough to use a precious day of my leave. I don't know how to let go of that, though.

I guess I just have to take it one day at a time, and see how I feel in the morning. There really isn't much else I can do. This morning I was exhausted from being awake from the contractions in the middle of the night. They actually were somewhat painful, which is what woke me up. I might feel totally different tomorrow. Plus, I can take another long walk at lunch and go shopping, if I go to work. There's an incentive to going in to work!

And now, for a little TMI: I just had to run to the bathroom while writing this post (occupational hazard of being almost 40 weeks pregnant). I've lost bits and pieces of my mucous plug over the last week, but I didn't think I'd lost it entirely. Well, there it was when I pulled down my pants when I just went to the bathroom. It was an enormous glob on my underwear, mostly creamy/clear, but slightly tinged pink. Even though I know it doesn't mean anything about when I'll deliver, it does make me feel a bit better that all of these contractions are leading somewhere, and that I am indeed getting closer.