Saturday, November 15, 2008


So, there is only one person IRL that I have had any sort of discussion with about TTC. She's one of my closest friends. She actually figured out on her own that we had miscarried last summer, and let me know that she was there if ever I wanted to talk about it (I generally don't, because that's what the internet is for :). She conceived the last of her multiple children the first month she tried, so she hasn't been there herself, but I know she gets it. She's clearly had other friends who have ridden the roller coaster. She's supportive without being intrusive. Still, I don't talk about it much, even with her.

Terrific T. was really upset after the miscarriage, and although he knew that I didn't want people to know, I get the sense that he has talked to A LOT of people about it. I can't exactly take him to task for talking to his own friends and family about something that has bothered him tremendously. But still, I would like it if people would pretend in front of me that they don't know. I don't like the idea of people knowing that we are trying. Even more, I don't like the idea of people knowing that we are failing. I just don't feel like dealing with anyone else's baggage on this topic.

My MIL is one of the people who he's obviously talked to, as she's obliquely referenced it a number of times. I ignored the references, and she's gradually stopped mentioning it. Plus, I told T. I didn't want to talk about it, and I think he may have told her to stop. So, I can pretend the elephant isn't in the room.

But not everyone has been so graceful. I was somewhat taken aback recently at dinner with friends of T's, when a woman I'd never met before brought it up. Because I am such a bad wife, Terrific T. has a number of friends that I've never met. These particular friends he met several years ago through another friend, and they live some distance from us. His friendship with them has grown over the last few years, but I never seem to be around when they are in town, and I haven't been able to travel to see them on any of the occasions when T. has gone to visit. With my work schedule, it has just never worked out. (Yes, I know this sounds a little crazy, but I'm a busy modern woman. What can I say?) So anyway, they were in town a few weeks ago, and I was not working that night, so we met them for dinner. The husband had gone to use the bathroom, and all of a sudden, the wife turned to me and said very ernestly, "you know, we're really pulling for you." And it went from there, and she told me about the troubles she'd had conceiving. Turns out, all she had to do was prop her hips up. Yep, I kid you not. She was really very sweet about it, and I know she meant well. She and her husband clearly think the world of T., and I'm glad he has become friends with such nice people. But seriously. I tried to be gracious and changed the subject.

During a rough patch recently, I was upset about something that had everything to do with career stuff, and nothing at all to do with TTC. I was talking to my friend who knows about the TTC stuff. I think I had said something about how focused my life had become on my stupid job. She made an offhand comment about how that wasn't entirely true, and that I had her kids, and how much they adored me. It totally killed me.

There are days when the comments of well-meaning people grate like shards of glass on my soul.


JamieD said...

Dont' worry - it happens to all of us. My closest friend who knows about everything is also uber-fertile. It is like a double hurt because she typically says the absolute worst things. But she always means well, she just has no idea what we are going through.

As for the dinner comment - another example of how people mean well but really don't understand. Ugh.

Dora said...

"Turns out, all she had to do was prop her hips up."

OMFG!! I'm so sorry. What an idiotic thing to say!

Io said...

Urg. I hate navigating the who-knows-who doesn't thing. Like I really want Al to tell his friend who keeps saying shit about how babies are "contagious" that we can't have any and tell her to shut up. But he doesn't want to tell her. And she's not really my friend, she's his.
I guess I am the more tell-people person in the relationship, but then I don't feel like I can say anything because it's Al's balls we're talking about, so it's his to tell...

Maybe I should just shut up and put my hips up.