Good News, Bad News

I have needed some dental work done for a while, but I was in the process of switching dentists, and after finally getting my initial appointment a while back, I learned it was actually only a consultation. They told me over the phone that it would be a few more weeks after the initial consult before they could actually see me. I thought this meant I was many weeks if not months from being able to get the dental work done. But when I went in today for the initial consult, the dentist did the necessary work right then and there! Good news! I need to go back in a few weeks, but it looks like I'm fixed up for now. As long as everything is good in a few weeks, I'll be all set.

And more good news. . .my doctor ran bloodwork last week, and it came back fine. She also thought I might have a kidney infection, but the urinalysis came back fine, too.

But it can't be all good news. . .my doctor also thinks the digestive issues are no longer due to a bacterial infection, but because the bacterial infection has caused a long-dormant chronic problem to flare up. I have to go see a GI specialist, which is probably going to mean a boatload of icky tests. And I'm still on another two weeks of "just in case" antibiotics. I refuse to make any final decisions until I see the specialist, but it looks like TTC is going to be back on hold indefinitely.

Moving On

The pity party is over. My doctor was right. I AM lucky. And if I needed any proof of that, I need only look around a little. Today's minor setbacks for me are just that. . .little bumps in the road. And I will eventually move right past them and forget they ever existed. I am thankful for that.

Yet Another Doctor

I went back to my GP yesterday about the GI issues. She took blood, did a urine screen (I might also have a UTI--isn't it FUN to try something new and different!), gave me a stool card, put me on antibiotics for TWO MORE WEEKS, AND referred me to a GI specialist. As a prize, I got a bandaid advertising Gardisil. It seems like I should've at least qualified for the plastic model of genital warts, after all of that, but all I got was the crummy advertisement. The nurse didn't even have the decency to laugh when I joked about getting a piece of the action for wearing HPV vaccine advertising on my body. Later on, the doctor also told me I should feel lucky that my condition isn't worse. Yes, it was just another fine day in the medical neighborhood.

I don't think I have high standards when it comes to my medical professionals. I want them to a) correctly diagnose my problem, and b) treat me in a way that improves my health. I don't expect my doctor to give me her home phone number, hug me, or taking me shopping when I'm feeling down. I know there are children starving in Africa and people with health plights much worse than mine. So you can call me selfish and needy if you want, but I just don't find it helpful to have a doctor tell me I should feel lucky that I'm not worse when I feel like crap. When I rhetorically ask why the universe hates me, as I am wont to do when I haven't been allowed to drink for weeks, work is overflowing on my desk, and I'm feeling lousy, please don't take this as an actual question that needs answering, and please don't do so in the tone my father reserved for lectures about my curfew. Please just smile understandingly--indulgently, even--and pull out the prescription pad or tequila bottle, as the situation may warrant.

Enough whining. In other news, we have been scrutinizing The Map every night in bed. We have come up with a list of countries that we either a) really would like to visit, or b) are simply intrigued by, and we want to know more about. Here's the list so far:

1. The US by RV
2. Central America
3. Brazil
4. Hawaii
5. The Galapagos Islands
6. Tanzania
7. Madagascar
8. Greece/Turkey/Croatia
9. Sweden/Finland/Norway/Denmark
10. India
11. Vietnam
12. Bali
13. Australia
14. Fiji
15. Japan
16. Egypt

We will be limited by cost, and also by the fact that I refuse to go anywhere cold. Given that the trip will fall somewhere between November and February, this immediately shortens the list. I haven't yet told Terrific T that I refuse to go anywhere cold. He likes the cold, but I'm sure I can win him over with my enormous charm and constant whining.

Fear

Every once in a while, I become absolutely terrified at the idea of becoming a parent. Last night was one of those nights when I awoke in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, only to then be inexplicably seized by the fear that perhaps I am a fool to want to do this. Perhaps I would be messing up a perfectly good life by having a child. Perhaps I will be a terrible mother. Perhaps it won't at all be what I thought. Perhaps I would be happier without children. Perhaps, perhaps, perhaps. . .

Admittedly, I have a log of baggage about this topic. I grew up believing that my mother was tied to a marriage that didn't suit her because of a lack of education and thus career options, and because she believed her children were better off growing up in a two parent home, no matter how dysfunctional the primary relationship within it. It is therefore not surprising that I've spent the last 15 years voraciously pursuing my career, and married a man who everyone believed was so utterly different from me that it could never possibly work. . .and yet it does, because we are wildly in love with one another even a decade later. It has taken me the better part of a decade and a half to realize that I am NOT my mother, and that my assumptions about why she stayed in her marriage are also probably not true.

But, even as I've come to recognize that my life, my career and my marriage can be whatever I want them to be, even as I've realized that I am really not my mother, I am still afraid sometimes. I grew up believing that she was trapped by us. It seems unlikely this was true. . .it is far more likely that she was trapped by her own inability to make her own needs known to all of us who loved her. (And I definitely don't have THAT problem!)

Yet the fear persists sometimes that I will feel trapped by my choices, and that I will be a poor parent because of it. Does everyone have secret fears that they will be inadequate as parents, that they might have regrets, that having a family won't be everything they hope, or am I just hopelessly scarred by my own journey into this?

Waiting sucks even more. . .

I've been assuming that we will be back TTC in May. But you all know what happens when we ASSume!

I've been back on antibiotics for this stupid digestive thing for almost two weeks. The universe clearly hates me, because I am still not better. I talked to my regular doctor today, and she wants to see me again. She is talking two MORE weeks of antibiotics, and maybe a specialist appointment. Can I not catch a break??? While I would like to have a normally functioning digestive tract again, I would also like to make a baby, please. Is that too much to ask???

I likely won't ovulate for three more weeks, anyway, so if I respond to the antibiotics over the next two weeks, I suppose it's theoretically possible that I won't be out this next cycle. Yeah, right.

Waiting sucks

I called my doctor's office yesterday morning (thanks to the people who posted--you prompted me into it!). When I told the nurse how short my LP was and how late I've been O-ing, she agreed that something seems off and scheduled me for an appointment. Unfortunately, my doctor is "beyond popular" as she put it, and didn't have a single appointment until May 14.

This isn't the kind of appointment I want to have with another doctor in the practice. I love my doctor. She's the only reason I'm still with that practice. It pains me to think that I might have to deliver with one of her colleagues (there are many of them, but the two I've met are DOUR). But, I'll cross that bridge when I manage to actually get knocked up again. Anyway, that left me with May 14 as my only option. Suckage--I started a new cycle today. I wish I'd made the appointment weeks ago. I am an idiot.

Luteal Phase Problem?

I have weird issues about doctors. I was raised to believe that you only go to the doctor when you're in dire straits. So, unless I have an actual, real, tangible problem (ie, I've got a broken bone that's protruding through the skin), I'm reluctant to go. Unfortunately, I will admit that I'm neurotic on the best of days, and sometimes I can't decide whether something is worthy of going to the doctor about. I waffle about whether I have an actual problem, or I am making a mole hill into a mountain because I am crazy. . .I mean, neurotic.

My most recent issue is whether I have a luteal phase problem. I have been both temping and using the CBEFM, so I am quite certain of the ovulation days. Here are my stat's:

1st cycle off BCP: 33 day cycle; O'd on day 21; 11 day LP
2nd cycle: O'd on day 22; Pregnant; miscarriage at 8 weeks; D&C 8/07

I didn't get my period for three months after the D&C, until 11/13/07.

3rd cycle: 29 day cycle; O'd on day 21, 8 day LP
4th cycle: 41 day cycle; O'd on day 28; 13 day LP
5th cycle: 27 day cycle; O'd on day 16; 11 day LP
6th cycle: 31 day cycle: O'd on day 21; 10 day LP
7th cycle: 33 day cycle; O'd on day 23; 10 day LP

I guess if I'm thinking this much about it, I should talk to my doctor about it. If anyone out there has any thoughts in the meantime, I'd love to hear them.

Lend a "Hand"

Somewhere in the blogosphere I learned about a little girl named Emily Mandell. She's around two years old, and was recently diagnosed with a brain tumor while her parents were out of town with her, if you can imagine the horror. She's now in Boston receiving treatments. Her family and friends are calling on the power of the internet to let Emily and her parents know how many people are pulling for her. What they're asking for won't cost you a thing: They'd just like you to trace your hand on heavy paper, decorate it, and mail it to California, where a friend will string together all the hands received, and then mail them to Boston to be hung in Emily's hospital room. How cool would it be if she received HUNDREDS or THOUSANDS of hands, from people the family doesn't even know? I love the power of the internet to bring support, joy and hope to strangers. I'm already planning how I'm going to decorate my hand. You can learn more about Emily over at Carepages. She's listed as "Emily12806."

Here's the info:

Ok, and we have another little project that we’d like to get everyone’s help on. We want to let Emily know how many people out there are thinking of her and wanting to wrap their arms around her in a big hug! If you’d like to participate, trace your hand on a piece of paper (preferably something a little bit thicker than your printer paper), and cut it out. Then decorate it however you would like and write your best wishes, thoughts and prayers to little Emily and her family. Then, send them to: Kelin Dotts 5010 Hill Street La Canada, California 91011 She will punch holes in them and string them all together so that Katie and Brian can hang them around her room. This will be a visual reminder of how many of us are praying for & embracing little Emily. We would like to be able to work on this and get them mailed to the Mandell family within the next couple of weeks so please spread the word and get your hand mailed out as soon as possible! Also, if you have more than one hand, it would be great if you could string them together before sending them to Kelin. Save her a little time ;)! Thanks so much to everyone. We are so happy to be able to show Emily how many people love and care for her and know that she is going to beat this!!

Barren Bitches

Welcome to my stop on the Barren Bitches Book Brigade. Please help yourself to cookies and punch. (Careful, I spiked the punch.) Oh, and sorry about the dog, but I suppose it could have been worse. A Jehovah's Witness got her at full bore once right after she'd been rolling around in the mud. Come to think of it, they haven't stopped here since. But anyway, happy you could stop by.

This cycle, we read The Mistress's Daughter by AM Homes. I really liked it, and I'm not just saying that because the author might actually read this.

The book is a very honest, very raw description of the author's encounters with her birthparents. Biomom first contacted her when she was in her 30's. It very quickly becomes clear in the book that her birthmother is both fragile and life-sucking. How to describe Biodad. . .um, I think "seedy" is the perfect word. Unfortunately, AM Homes really seemed to want it to work with him, and she experienced a lot of heartache because of it. I spent the entire book waiting for that "feel good" moment when she told him to fuck off. I was pulling for her to tell him that he wasn't worthy of her. And he wasn't. He had been a married store manager and had an affair with Biomom when she was a teenage store clerk. The affair went on for a long time, but Biodad stayed with his wife. Sadly, my (her?) feel good moment didn't come. She conducted herself as a respectable adult and wrote a best seller about it instead. See? The best revenge IS living well.

In all seriousness, it is so hard when the people we are biologically related to don't live up to our hopes and dreams for them, and I'm sad for her that she went through that. She didn't deserve that. No one does.

So, without further ado, here's a little Q and A for you:

Why do you think the author's biological father went through the DNA testing if he was still going to go along pretending she didn't exist? How did you react to that emotionally as the reader?

I'm rather practical, so I didn't take too much offense to the DNA test request. After all, it had been three decades, and Biomom wasn't the most stable individual in the world. What if he'd invited the author into his family, only to later discover she wasn't actually related at all? That would've been weird. His behavior after the results came back made me want to kick his ass, though. Totally uncalled for. He could've at least owned the fact that he couldn't go there, and let her move on, instead of tossing her crumbs by surreptitiously meeting her in hotels.

I think in hindsight, he requested the DNA testing for one of two reasons: One, he figured there was a fair chance that she wasn't his, and that would put an easy end to things, if she wasn't. Or two, he wanted to be sure and intended to incorporate her into his family if she WAS his daughter, but then he just couldn't deal with the results when he got to that point. He would've had to admit he gave up a baby at around the same time he had one of his fully acknowledged kids with his wife. He doesn't seem like a particularly strong person, and it takes a strong person to own the kinds of things he did.

Genealogy -- the quest to learn more about her birth family's history -- forms a large part of the latter half of the book. On page 152, the author notes, "I remind myself that the quest to answer the question Who am I? is not unique to the adoptee." How much do you know about your own family history? Is it something that interests you? How has it influenced your decisions related to infertility treatment (if at all)?

I know little about my family's history beyond my grandparent's generation. I find genealogy only mildly interesting. It hasn't influenced my decisions at all, because I believe the question of "who am I?" is found in the faces of the people who love you and the life you've created for youself, and not in the faces of those who may have created you. A true family is created by a history of caring and sharing, and not by chromosomal connection.

Reading the book encouraged me to think of my own family "secrets." For example, most members of my extended family want to hush up any discussion of IF, as though it's a contagious disease. Do you think that secrets strengthen a family or tear it apart and, how does your family process secrets?

Ah, this is an easy one. Secrets certainly don't strengthen a family and may not tear it apart, but they eat at the person who is the subject of them and may just destroy THAT person. Open, honest dialogue can hurt short-term, but it can also prevent a lifetime of heartache.

Well, thank you for coming. Here's your coat.
Hop along to another stop on this blog tour by visiting the main list at http://stirrup-queens.blogspot.com/. You can also sign up for the next book on this online book club: Water for Elephants by Sara Gruen (with author participation!)

The World Is My Oyster, And My Oyster Is On The Ceiling

With this cycle a bust, we will only be actively trying for the next two months. If that doesn't work we will take July-September off, because I will be busy with the Big Project all fall and it just won't work out then. Since my chances of getting pregnant in two cycles are probably equivalent to the chances that the Shrub presidency will be looked upon favorably by future generations, I've realized that I better get busy with Borneo.

We bought this map a while ago, before we discovered that we might actually be able to travel THIS YEAR. We've been talking about an extended trip for years. The idea was that we'd buy the map, highlight places on it that sounded interesting, and start planning for the trip that we'd take. . .eventually. Needless to say, the map has been stuck in a closet ever since, but today I installed it in a much-revered place where it will allow me to multitask: above our bed. I even bought glittery stickers for the places that intrigue us. Hmmm. . .things above the bed seems more festive than things below the map.

Help a Sister Out

Some fabulous women in the blogosphere have formed a group called U.T.E.R.U.S. to help raise money for other fab women in the blogosphere who are having a tough time funding their ART. The first fundraiser will benefit Cali over at Creating Motherhood, who has frozen embies but no money for transfer, because she's devoting all her time and $$ to caring for her elderly grandmama, who has Alzheimer's. The first fundraiser is an eBay auction. There are some great items up for auction on both the UK and US eBay sites. (Hint: There is a Tiffany necklace currently bidding for a REALLY, REALLY LOW PRICE!!!) Please note that even though one is a UK auction, the items are actually located in the U.S., so even if you don't usually frequent the British eBay site, please do this time. You can also donate directly to Cali on her blog (Creating Motherhood). If you want to check out the auctions, here they are:

US Ebay auction

UK Ebay auction

As for me, I just got fantastic news. . .after several rounds of lab tests, they've figured out that it's a bacteria that is causing me to be sick. I've never been so happy to get a diagnosis! I've been sick for weeks now, and unable to eat much, and I was starting to feel desperate. They're putting me on yet another antibiotic, but I should be better (and back to eating!) within two weeks. I've had some prior health problems and after the initial round of testing, I thought that I was experiencing a relapse. I was starting to give up on being able to TTC this spring at all, so it's a huge relief to know it's a bacteria that's making me feel this way (caused, by the way, from a previous round of antibiotics killing off the "good" bacteria. . .go figure!)

Time Out Before The First Pitch Is Thrown

We were SUPPOSED to be back at it again this month. Unfortunately, the cold from hell has preempted our previously scheduled program. The resulting antibiotics have wreaked havoc on my body, and I can't currently eat without being sick. I'm not an expert on this whole pregnancy thing, having never done it successfully, but it has occurred to me that I might need to be able to eat to actually sustain a healthy pregnancy. So, until we get my body back on track, baby plans are out the window. I'm disappointed, to say the least. . .CD21, and a "peak" on the monitor. I just can't win.

Well, at least we have Borneo.

Expiration Date

Today was my due date.

I have made my peace with the miscarriage, but I've always felt that it would never be fully behind me until today. There was still something hanging out there that was supposed to happen, but didn't. Today I can hear the door shutting, quietly but firmly.

The hardest thing about having a miscarriage is dealing with the death of your expectations. When you first find out you're pregnant, you have so many hopes and dreams, and then they're ripped away from you without any warning. With today, all of my expectations from my first pregnancy have expired and are behind me. I tend to look at the world with a jaundiced eye and expect the worst while hoping for the best. That said, it took me longer than I thought it would and it was harder than I thought it would be to get to where I stand today. Happily, I can now survey the damage around me and honestly report that the future is unrolling before me, and I feel ready to handle whatever it brings me.

Long before I was ready to become a mother, I read a book called Baby Catcher by Peggy Vincent, a former midwife. The book is a great read because it describes all kinds of births (mostly good ones, and one very bad one), but there is one particular part that sticks out for me. Vincent became unexpectedly pregnant at 41, and then was devestated by her subsequent miscarriage. Her 12 year old son (who is CLEARLY the product of a Berkeley midwife!), finding her crying, initiated the following discussion:

"Well, you just have to have another one, Mom, because it's a Spirit Baby, and you should be its mother."

I must have looked puzzled because he said, "Don't you know about Spirit Babies? How could I know about them if you don't? I mean, you're my mom!" But he could see my perplexity.

So my first child, this not-yet-teenaged boy, pulled a wooden chair to my side and draped his thin arm across my shoulders, saying, "Well, Mom, here's how it is. See, I was one myself, so that must be how I know. Anyway, every woman has a circle of babies that goes around and around above her head, and those are all the possible babies she could have in her whole life. Every month, one of those babies is first in line. If she gets pregnant, then that's the baby that's born. If she doesn't get pregnant, the baby goes back into the circle and keeps going around with all the others. If she gets pregnant but something bad happens before the baby's born. . .now listen, Mom, because here's the really cool part. It goes back into the circle, but it becomes a Spirit Baby, and all the other babies give it cuts. Each month, it's always first in line. Isn't that great?

"So, you just have to get pregnant again, and you'll have the same Spirit Baby. If you don't, though, the the baby circle will just beam that little Spirit Baby over to some other woman's circle, and it'll be first in line for her. It keeps being first in line somewhere until it finally gets born."--Baby Catcher: Chronicles of a Modern Midwife, by Peggy Vincent

I feel optimistic that my Spirit Baby will find me soon, and today I'm wishing that that the next baby in line in your baby circle finds you soon, too.

P.S. If you're like me and you keep score of women who are older than you that have successful pregnancies, you'll be happy to learn that Vincent went on to have a successful pregnancy at age 42.

Thanks to Nan & Todd Tilton. . .

. . .for being one of the first American couples to try a controversial new procedure called in vitro fertilization, and in the process, giving all women hope. Their twins (America's first in vitro twins, and only the world's third set) just turned 25.

At 30, Nan had blocked tubes and Todd had poor sperm count. They had five surgeries between them to try to correct their problems, but doctors still said they had little chance of conceiving. At the time, in vitro was criticized by many, including (big surprise) the Vatican. It also carried a single-digit success rate. Yet, they forged ahead. Their willingness to try the newfangled treatment paved the way for what has become a widely-accepted practice that has allowed many women to have families they might otherwise be without. Their refusal to give up and their can-do attitude, even in the face of terrible odds, is truly inspiring.

P.S.: CD17, second day of high on the monitor, and looking at another 10 day course of antibiotics. This month may be out. Argh.

"Pregnant Man" Rant

Have you noticed that the "Pregnant Man" is all over the news? Oprah, Good Morning America, People. . .there PM is, photos and all. Except, PM and I have something in common:

Yes, PM has a uterus. Which means that PM isn't a PM at all. . .PM is genetically a woman. That's right, "XX". Which means that the so-called "pregant man" is not a "pregnant man" at all, but a woman.

Now, I'm all for individual choice. If you are a homosexual, cross-dresser, transvestite, transgender, WHATEVER, I think that's perfectly fine. If you want to have kids as any of the above, I think that's perfectly fine, too. Kids are resilient, and every type of parent out there (and yes, even the red meat eating Republican fundamentalist) fucks up their kids in some fashion, so I don't believe these types of parental "lifestyles" (for lack of a better word--don't stone me, please) impact children any more or less than any other parental situation. So PM was once a woman and has been living life as a man, and now wants to have a child? Okay. PM wants to stay a man and give birth to the child. . .okay, again. I mean, let's be honest, a pregnant belly could easily pass for a beer belly. PM could have had his cake and eaten it, too, and no one would have been the wiser. After all, PM wanted to live life as a man, and concealing PM's pregnancy would have been just another day in the transgender neighborhood.

BUT. . .here's where I have an issue. She's not a man, at least not biologically. It's a nice hook, though, and all of the media outlets are playing up the "pregnant man" angle, despite the fact she's not biologically a man at all. And because she's got a nice hook, she can get all kinds of attention, and call me a cynic, but with attention comes money. Let's call a spade a spade: this couple has chosen to sell their kid out. And THAT really bugs me.

I read that couple felt the recent media blitz was necessary because they came out with the pregnancy in The Advocate, and everyone thought it was a hoax. Um, WHY did you come out in The Advocate? WHY do you need people to believe it's not a hoax? WHY are you inviting this kind of scrutiny upon your soon-to-be family? You've been living as a man because you wanted to be a man, right? WHY did you do this? And I don't mean "why," in terms of "why are you talking about it--I don't want to hear about it," I mean "why" as in, "why do this to your child, given how many nut jobs live in this country."

PM told Oprah that there are concerns someone might try to kill the baby. Well, duh. There are a lot of sickos out there, PM, and I'm sure you've been conscious of their ire your whole life, given that you are a transgendered person. I can't help but feel that you and your wife have placed your baby in harm's way in the course of seeking financial gain. And by continuing to hold yourself out as a man, and by holding yourself out as the "Pregnant Man" in particular, you are inviting scrutiny and criticism of your choices and her child. I don't really care about you and your spouse. You can live your lives however you want, and if you face criticism for your choices, so what. But what about your daughter? What about the nuts that could come out of the woodwork for years to come, torturing and taunting her, and maybe even, God forbid, trying to hurt her?

I've read that some members of your wife's family didn't even know you were not a biological man. You've said that you will continue to live life as a man, and be this baby's "father." That tells me that you want to live as--and be perceived as--a man. So why destroy the life you've created for yourself? By coming out and doing what you have done, you have utterly destroyed any chance of your daughter ever living with you as her "father." Your first and last names have been published. Your face is everywhere, as is your wife's. You will never again live as a "man," but rather as a transgendered person who appears man-like. You are NOT, in fact, a "pregnant man," no matter how you view yourself. And the world is never going to let you or MORE IMPORTANTLY your daughter ever forget it. This goes way beyond the scrutiny a child faces with having homosexual parents, and the very fact you're promoting yourself as a "pregnant man" shows me that you know that. Why would you place such a precious gift in the path of the zealots that you know damn well are out there? Why couldn't you just be satisfied with your miracle?

In the end, the only conclusion I can reach is that you are clearly checking the "man" box because you know you'll gain attention and money by selling yourself to the press as a "pregnant man." I think you've done a cost-benefit analysis here, and you've traded your daughter's safety and obscurity for your own financial gain. You've crafted a made-for-the-tabloids reality gem for yourself, and the proof of that is splashed throughout the glossy People pictorial. You and your wife say you'll sit down and explain the story of your daughter's birth when she's old enough to understand. I wonder how old you have to be to understand that your parents chose to exploit you before you were ever born, and put you in harm's way in search of the almighty dollar.

Blah

I'm sick. Violently, horribly ill. I will spare you the details, but trust me, my body hates me. I was on antibiotics for an ear infection, and the antibiotics seem to have seriously messed with my digestive system. I thought I was getting better over the weekend, but I'm MUCH worse today. I guess that is my body's April Fool's joke.

We may have to put off TTC this month. It's only CD13, and the monitor still says low, so we probably have another week until O. But I've been sick for three weeks now, and given that I can't keep anything in my system, I'm thinking that we probably should hold off until I get this under control. I have exactly zero desire to have sex, and I'm quite sure Terrific T. doesn't even want to be within earshot of me. He told me a few days ago that he no longer wants to have a baby with me, because I've been such a whining, petulant lump that he doesn't think he can deal with me pregnant. Plus, on top of everything else, my tooth hurts, and I think I need some dental work.

Suckage. I'm cranky today.