Tough Decisions

I recently posted that I was going to do this, so here goes.

A recent controversey in the blogosphere got me thinking. I very much want a child. But is there any circumstance under which I would choose to terminate my pregnancy? The answer, dear reader, is yes. You may find me selfish, but I am who I am.

I have an acquaintance who has a profoundly disabled child. The child will not live much past the age of 10. One of the child's parents once relayed to me that the hard part of having this child is not watching the child go through life with these disabilities. Indeed, although the child doesn't experience anything like healthy children do, the child appears happy and loving at the level the child is able to exist at. The parent relayed to me that the hard part is dealing with the parents' own expectations, dealing with the fact that this child will never walk or talk or go to the prom. The parent said that if you just live in the moment and enjoy the child for what the child is, it is an enjoyable experience. . .it is when you start to compare the child to a healthy child, when you start to think about what is missing and all of your own hopes and expectations, that it becomes unbearable. I consider this parent one of the most noble people I've ever met. I totally get where this person is coming from. But if I had a choice, I wouldn't choose that for myself or my child.

I have other friends who had a child die before the age of 2, to a horrible deadly genetic disorder neither knew they were even carriers of. It's one of those weird things that about 4 people in the world have. They can never have a child together, as there is no way to test the embryos for the disease. Needless to say, they have been devestated by their experience. While their child brought great joy into their lives for the short time this child was here, the fallout has lasted so much longer. Seeing what they've been through, I just can't imagine choosing that for myself.

If I discovered during pregnancy that my unborn child definitely had a serious birth defect, I think I would choose to terminate. This is bound to sound cold and calculating, but there is a big world out there, and a finite amount of resources available. I don't see the point in bringing a life into this world who will require hundreds of thousands of dollars of medical care, and may never have particularly good quality of life. There are so many living, breathing children in various parts of the world who die horrible deaths because they don't have very basic things, like clean water or sufficient food. I think it is nutty that because I live where I do (and have the fab insurance that I have) I could call upon the medical profession to pour resources into a single child, who they may never be able to make well. I don't believe in life at any cost, unfortunately. I sort of wish I did. But why should I be able to do this, because I have the benefit of living in a wealthy nation?

I am officially of "advanced maternal age." I am at that age when the risk of birth defects skyrockets with every passing month. I don't know how I'll feel, if I am actually faced with any of the aforementioned scenarios. I do know that if/when I get PG again, I'll be having every test possible, so that I can get as much information as possible, so that I can make the best informed choice possible.

Crazy

I know I promised that I was going to blog about some really hard stuff, but I'm so exhausted this week that it's too. . .hard. So instead, I'm going to go with crazy.

I was in a really, really bad place this past fall. I was really burned out at work. I'd been pushing myself 60-70-80 hours a weeks for months and months on end, just to keep up. No one at work cared, or even really noticed. It had leveled out a little bit, and I was taking pretty good care of myself, making sure I was eating healthy and sleeping enough. Then, just before I had something really big going on again at work, I had the miscarriage.

I hadn't even considered the possibility that it could happen to me. It was like standing watching a sunrise on a peaceful beach, and being smacked in the head with a two by four, and not even seeing it coming. I was a mess. My head was so NOT together, in fact, that the day we learned about the miscarriage, on the way from my doctor's office, I turned to Terrific T in the car and said something to the effect of "I can't talk about this, because it will make me cry, and I don't have time to cry, because I have to go prepare for this huge meeting." And that's exactly what I did. I had to ask for a two week delay in what I had going on at work, so I could take time off for the D&C and reasonably get my head together enough to do what had to be done after that. I had the D&C, I went back to work, and I was devoured by work for the next month.

Then, the smoke cleared, and I took a couple of weeks off to decompress. Every day, I read, I walked around, I ate dark chocolate, I went to yoga, I relaxed. But, I was still a mess.

I'm not sure how it happened, but I ended up at my favorite spice shop. They sell all sorts of unusual culinary spices, and then lots of essential oils, medicinal herbs, etc. They also happen to give different types of "readings."

Let me just say, I don't believe in the stuff. I really, really don't. I think it's crap. But let me also say that I was in a really bad place. While I was looking for this or that spice, a young girl came up to me and told me that one of their readers had just arrived, if I wanted a reading. No pressure--she just mentioned it and walked away. And in that instant, I was sure that it was a sign, and I should do it.

So I did. This particular reader used tarot cards. It was remarkably relaxing, I have to say. It was also fascinating to hear her describe the job that I do, and how I feel about it. She was spot on! It was even more fascinating to hear her talk about the fact I would be happier doing one of two other things (one of which is The Thing That I Think I Am Meant To Do, but have never tried). It continued to be fascinating, in fact, until the part where she said that she could see that I had recently had a great failure of a project involving a child. At which point, I burst into tears. It was so embarassing. But seriously, how weird is that? It's not like I had pee sticks sticking out of my purse, or anything. Anyway, she told me it simply wasn't my time then, and she saw children in my future. Two, in fact.

Crazy, huh?

Little Bits and Pieces

I'm too tired to post tonight. I am loving NaCoBloMo or whatever the hell it is called, but I've been staying up waaaay too late reading all of your blogs and commenting. It's so fun. . .too fun. Work is nuts and I need to be sleeping (or working). But I just can't tear myself away! So, you're getting a shitty post, and then I'm hauling my ass to bed.

My cycle was a disaster this month. For the first time ever, my monitor and my temp spike did not agree with each other about the day I o'd. They were off by TWO days. I'm obviously going with the temp spike. I missed a pee stick a couple of days before I got the peak on the monitor, and I'm guessing that threw it off. It's my own damn fault. Anywhoo, I O'd on CD27. Seriously. WTF? And today, on CD37, AF is here. Wicked. A (barely) 10 day LP again.

I'm thinking about changing doctors. I'm thinking about trying a practice with midwives. A friend used them to deliver all three of her kids, and she LOVED the midwives. Is this crazy? I've got cycles that are all over the place, I'm ovulating late, and I have a short LP. Should I not be thinking about going to a practice heavy on midwives? I can't make up my mind. Please help.

Allison's server is set to another time zone, so it is ALREADY 5/29 for Our Own Creation. If you're reading this, you should click on her site to help her have a Brand New Day. Basically, Allison lost her twins, who were 16 weeks premature, and her stupid blog page notes that the death of the second twin is her "best day ever," because she got the most blog hits that day. The Blogosphere is trying to creat a BRAND NEW "Best Day Ever," and you can help just by clicking through! Please click here to go help her out. And let's make her have a REALLY good day--leave HER a nice comment, instead of leaving one here. It can count toward your five for the day. I'm sure Mel won't mind. It could even just be our little secret.

I Hope We Can Still Be Friends

I am gradually getting better. For those of you that are new to these here parts, I'm currently experiencing a flare-up of proctitis that was caused by a weird bacterial infection that was caused by an antibiotic I was on for an ear infection late this winter. I was in a downward spiral for several months and the baby plans have been on hold, so it is very exciting to me that I'm starting to heal.

Anyway, as I'm gradually getting better we are inching closer to being able to try again, but also closer to another birthday for me. As I turn a year older, I am cognizant of the fact that I will henceforth be living squarely in that land where the statistics start to get a little scary not only regarding my ability to get pregnant, but also for things to go otherwise terribly awry.

I am someone who believes that in quiet moments during calm seas, it is important to reflect upon emergency preparedness plans for what should be done if the boat sails into heavy weather. I have been thinking at lot lately about all of the bad "what ifs," about what choices I would make and what choices I could not make. As I read along with some of you and watch the heartbreak you are going through, I have wondered what I would do in your shoes, whether I would be strong enough to make certain choices, how I would react. I have also wondered what you would think of me if you knew that I could not make the same choice as you. I have wondered what I would think of myself.

There are some difficult situations and abysmal choices that I want to blog about now, while I am not pregnant, while my sea is calm and I can quietly contemplate my own thoughts and any you might have, as well. At the very least, I will create a record for myself of what I thought about the issue in a vaccuum; who knows what I will think is the right choice if I end up in the thick of it? In any case, I want you to know that I have been very reluctant to blog about these issues, because they are not popular issues. They are not easy issues. They are issues that most people hope they never encounter. My opinions may be distasteful to some. Unfortunately, that doesn't make them any less issues that I feel the need to explore, and that's what I use this space for. So, in coming days, I plan on posting some things that you might disagree with. I don't do it to be disrespectful to you or your choices. I hope you'll visit and share with me your thoughts. I hope you won't think the worse of me, because this is hard and scary.

Dirty Little Secrets

Today, I am thankful for all of those who have lost their lives in military service to our country, and I am thinking of their families.

Although it is a day to honor and remember, I am choosing today to post my dirty little secrets. My inherent reaction to somber and sad is to counter it with inane and silly. I blame my mother: when I was five, my mother told me that my grandfather had died, and then followed up this news by saying, "okay, let's go make chocolate chip cookies." I was hardwired wrong from the very beginning. And well, that's not the only evidence that I'm hardwired wrong:

1. I buy marshmallow fluff just so I can eat spoonfuls of it straight out of the jar.

2. I kept all of my positive PG tests from last summer. They're hidden in a drawer.

3. I think that I was meant to be wildly successful at exactly one thing. Since I was a child, I have been resolutely sure that was what I would do. I've never tried to do that thing. I'm afraid I'll fail.

4. I didn't just spend $2.00 on pumpkin seeds (see yesterday's post). I indulged EVERY ONE of my "someday" seed wishes this year. . .to the tune of $300. My garden is at least three times the size of my house.

5. I might not be going to Borneo after all.

6. I let my dog sleep in the bed when Terrific T isn't home. . .because she snores just like he does, and it makes me sleep better.

7. I am sure that I am going to have a healthy and successful pregnancy.

8. Sometimes I decide I don't like my shoes, so I buy a new pair and immediately put them on, then throw away the old pair on my way out of the store.

9. I am registered as an independent, but I have never voted for a Republican.

10. I once had a friend who got a lot of ugly wedding gifts. For a long time, she kept them on shelves in her basement, because she couldn't bring herself to simply throw them out, and was too afraid the giver would see them if she had a yard sale. When I felt like I had to give gifts to people who weren't very nice to me, I "shopped" at her Basement Emporium. It made both of us feel better.

Show & Tell: May 25

It's Sunday, so that means it's Show and Tell time.

Since last Sunday, I've been pondering a comment I received to last week's Show and Tell post. In the post, I took a little walk down memory lane, and mentioned that I'm feeling a little restless. In response to my post, a commentor said in part:

"Make new memories with those you love now. Dwelling in the past has pleasure; just don't go back that far."

It made me think. At first, I wondered if I sounded unhappy (I'm not--just restless). The comment sounded like something of a warning. Truthfully, I adore my husband and my current life. Conversely, the time period I discussed in my post was a tumultuous point in my life, and the man I discussed in the post wasn't even someone I kissed, but rather a harmless flirtation.

The post made me really start thinking, though, about the author's encouragement to make new memories, and that in turn made me examine exactly why I'm so restless. While I've known for months that I'm restless, I hadn't really given much thought to why that is the case, and merely chalked it up to being very busy with various obligations. It hadn't actually occurred to me to dissect the underpinnings. But the comment sparked some much-needed introspection this week.

A good bit of the reason I'm restless, I think, is that I am always waiting for something. I am someone who wants to do everything perfectly, at the perfect time. I want my ducks in a row. But the end result of this is that I spend a lot of time thinking. . .and planning. . .and waiting. . .but not DOING. That is the problem.

So this week I started looking at all of the things that I've been meaning to do, eventually, "when the time is right." I was startled to realize that there are scads of things big and small.

Which brings us to my Show and Tell:



I've been wanting to grow this pumpkin for years, but I didn't want to spend the money on the seeds because it seemed like a waste of money (who NEEDS pumpkins?), or I was worried it wouldn't grow right in my soil, or I wanted to wait until my garden was a little bigger. . .The seeds are a couple of dollars. If they grow, they may make me ecstatic with how delicious and cool they are. If they don't, I'm out a couple of bucks, and I can stop thinking about them. How silly am I for waiting?

I'm going to try to do a couple of things every month that I've been "waiting for the right time" to do.

Don't underestimate the power of commenting.

Googled

At the risk of sounding slightly psychotic, I hereby confess that I am sort of obsessed with Google. I Google everyone. Every once in a while, someone from my past will pop into my head, and I'll think, "I should Google them and see what they're up to." And I do. I find it fascinating, and also slightly frightening that so much information is so easy to find on people I haven't seen in decades. But it saddens me to think they were once so important to me, and now they're out there somewhere and I'll never know what they're doing. And then I Google, and my curiousity is satisfied.

Now, I don't mean that I actually contact them after I Google them--oh no. I simply look to see if I can find them anywhere, to see what they're up to. Old friend from college, wonder what she's up to. . .I cyber-stalked her through a fancy career that sounded fab, a big white wedding at 30 to the guy she dated (and cheated on profusely) throughout college, and then a baby and a move from the city to the country. Hmmm...they didn't use birth control for years and managed to have a baby. . .wonder if she had to have fertility treatment? It would be so inappropriate to call up after a decade out of touch and ask, huh?

My best friend from college who I lost touch with when she seemed to be "settling down" and I was still a wild child? The one who had serial long term relationships, all of which ultimately ended inexplicably because they just "knew they weren't meant for each other"? The one that I thought would be married before all of us (but shockingly, wasn't)? The one who during one of our last conversations told me that her serious boyfriend said he "wanted" to marry her, but refused to? She must've finally dumped his ass, because she got married a couple of years ago to a different, very successful man. They recently sold their house in the suburbs for almost a million dollars. She got an advanced degree a couple of years ago, but I can't find any mention of a career anywhere. I wonder if she's had kids, but no birth announcements have popped up. I'd like to call and ask. I wonder if she's had trouble, too.

Today, the urge was to Google a guy I had a huge crush on in high school. I haven't Googled him in, oh, probably a couple of years (no really--I'm not THAT much of a stalker!). We were the best of friends for years, and eventually lost touch while he was dating a woman I hated (I was SO relieved to discover that he didn't marry her). I've Googled him through a marriage in his 30's, (to a very nice girl that I actually realized I knew from high school. . .how weird is that? But hey--soo happy he married a nice girl), a baby girl two years later, and today, I discovered he has a son. Weirdest Google moment to date was when I found the hospital had posted a nursery photo of his baby boy. One click, and I was staring at a photocopy of a ghost of a memory of a boy. . .Um, I loved your dad when he was seventeen. . .which is exactly how many years have passed again, and now he has you. It takes my breath away, for so many reasons.

Doctors and Borneo

The news from Borneo is that Japan and Norway/Sweden/Finland are off The List, due to weather concerns. It will simply be too cold in late fall-early winter. We are now down to 14 finalists.

Truth be told, Central America is my first choice. I've wanted to go there FOREVER, and I already have the trip planned in my head. It's EXACTLY what I want to do after the Big Project is over: snorkle, kayak, visit ruins, laze about on warm beaches drinking frosty local beers. Unfortunately, Terrific T is only lukewarm on Central America. He has safety concerns, I think, although he hasn't exactly vocalized a specific objection, or really any objection. It's more that he talks about other places that top his list, whenever I try to talk about the places that top MY list. Oddly, his first choice is Egypt. I'm not sure I want to go to Egypt for a month, although I would actually like to go someday.

It's a good thing we have some time to whittle down the list, because we have entirely different ideas about this trip.

In other news, I'm considering finding a new OB. It's something I go back and forth on every couple of months. I don't really like the other OB's at my current doctor's practice, which is one reason to switch, since you get who you get during L&D (notice how optimistic I'm being, assuming I'll get there?). I have stayed with my current dr. because I really like her. I thought she was amazing through our initial TTC efforts and my miscarriage--she listened, she's thoughtful, she gave her opinions when asked, and she gave me all of the options.

But, I wasn't thrilled with my visit last week, when I went to talk about TTC and my LP and my late ovulation. This is something I worry about, because I (obviously) don't want to miscarry again. I don't want to go through it, and I REALLY don't want to lose months on end after another one, waiting for my body to return to normal. From pregnancy to being able to try again, post-D&C, about 7 months went by. If that were to happen again, once we are healthy, even if everything went perfectly after that and we managed a successful pregnancy, I would be in my late 30's before I had a child. This worries me. . .well, everything worries me, but that is one of my concerns.

So anyway, although my doctor gave me options and agreed to whatever course of action I choose, she seemed a little dismissive of my concerns, as though we haven't been trying long enough to be concerned. There was one thing she said that's really kind of stuck in my head. She said that until after I have another miscarriage, the presumption is that my previous miscarriage was caused by chromosomal defect, because statistically speaking, 70% of miscarriages are caused by chromosomal defect. So, standard practice says they shouldn't really pay much attention to my somewhat short LP or my late ovulation, until after I miscarry again.

This really bothers me. This is treating the statistic, not treating the patient. You probably won't be surprised to learn that I spoke up. I pointed out that this leaves 30% of women who miscarry for reasons other than chromosomal abnormality. Taking this with my short LP and my late ovulation, I said that I didn't really want to be the guinea pig to test this theory. She seemed a little taken aback by my response, as though I am something of a crazy neurotic control freak for taking this position. (Okay, I concede THAT's true, regardless). Anyway, she offered either Clomid or progesterone supplements, so it's not like she's unwilling to listen. I am still sort of put off, though, by the suggestion that I keep at it and see if I miscarry again. While the statistics that say that more women than not miscarry because of chromosomal abnormality, does that also hold true if they have late ovulation and short LP? I don't know that I'm willing to roll those dice.

The other reason that I'm considering changing doctors is that I commute. My current doctor is near my office (an hour from home), but there are plenty of doctors close to my house. It might be nicer to deliver closer to home. It might be more convenient at the end of pregnancy to have a doctor closer to home. It would certainly be better to have a practice where I actually LIKE the people who might deliver my baby.

I just don't know. If anyone has any thoughts on this issue, I'd love to hear them.

Show and Tell

Even though I am well into my 30's, I don't feel any older than when I was 20. I feel smarter, but not older. I have more confidence, but not many more wrinkles. I actually feel more attractive than I did at 20. And every once in a while, I still feel the urge to have a really big night out, as though I am still 20--I wanna forget all my responsibilities, get drunk, laugh loudly, dance on tables, and pretend I am still young and wild and free. I am THERE right now. Part of this is most certainly that I haven't been able to even have one little drink since March, because of all of the med's I've been on. Part of it is that, well, I just have an ITCH.



Which brings us to Show and Tell. I bought the super short plaid wool skirt in 1994 in Vienna, when I really WAS young and wild and free, and Terrific T wasn't yet on my horizon. I wore it in Prague while flirting with an incredibly good looking author who was a good 10 years older than me. Months after I met him, he sent me photos of myself wearing this skirt, standing on Charles Bridge. He went on to write screenplays in Hollywood. I went on to think of freedom every time I wore this skirt.

I think it's memories like these that make me long for Borneo, make me need wild nights dancing on tables. Sometimes I need to taste freedom again. Sometimes I need to leave my current world behind, if only for a night.

News From The Front

Although the Battle for the Underworld has raged on for the last few days, I am pleased to report that after intense efforts, we seem to have reached a resolution.

First, there was the pilgramage to the Kingdom of Gynecological Wonders, where a brief girlyparts scrummage ensued. Dr. Hoo Hoo was dazzled by the tactical display presented by the ruler of the girlyparts (yours truly). It was complete with multicolored ovulation charts and a summary page detailing all of the covert activities of the girlyparts over the last 8 months. Dr. Hoo Hoo responded with a unique and appreciated offensive strategy of her own. She posited that the Wonder Twins appear to be in proper working order, despite their refusal to ovulate earlier than CD21. She suggested that the somewhat short LP is not necessarily a signal that the girlyparts are waving the white flag to that bastard insurgent, Infertility. She suggested that an appropriate offensive maneuver might be to engage in Operation Clomid, or to even wait and send in progesterone reenforcements to supplement the troops at the end of the next cycle. However, Dr. Hoo Hoo stressed that evasive maneuvers are not necessarily warranted at this point, and the current babymaking mission might be successfully accomplished without further intervention. She will accede to the wishes of the ruler of the girlyparts as to whatever strategic option is selected by same.

Then, today there was the exploratory mission by Dr. Commander into the literal bowels of The Underworld. This mission was something of a success. The Commander concluded that current strife in the region was caused by an uprising of Bad Bacteria caused by the formerly prescribed evil antibiotic. The Commander reported back that the previous bacterial uprising was rooted out and eradicated by the second round of good antibiotics. Unfortunately, despite the eradiction of the rebel forces, the current strife is most likely the result of the formerly deposed dictator, Proctitis, taking advantage of the uprising of bad bacteria, and making an attempt to regain territory. After strategizing with the Commander, it is believed that a 12 week infusion of various medications will force Dictator Proctitis's retreat, and quell the remaining violence in the region. Peace will hopefully be regained throughout The Underworld at that time, and all parties will again be able to focus at that point on the true mission at hand: babymaking.

(Final Conclusion: No trying until at least August. It's Official: For now, it's just Borneo or Bust. Oh, and I'm ovulating today. Ironic, no?)

Ta Daaaa!

CD22, and His Royal Magesty The Monitor hereby proclaims that I am experiencing my first "high" day this cycle. There is clearly a rebellion going on in The Underworld. I go see Dr. HooHoo tomorrow, and then I have the inspection of Digestive Alley on Thursday. . .a whole lotta poking and prodding this week. Ugh.

Nope

CD20, still low, no temp rise. Well, at least it's a new and different problem. Variety IS the spice of life.

I'm glad that we started talking about Borneo as a possible TTC booby prize. It gives me a distraction from the disappointment of my body betraying me yet again. We've finalized the list of contestants, and it is now "closed" to new entrants. We are now trying to narrow it. Here's are the finalists:

1. US by RV
2. Hawaii
3. Brazil
4. Galapagos Islands
5. Argentina
6. Central America
7. Norway/Sweden/Finland
8. Greece/Turkey/Italy/Croatia
9. Egypt
10. Tanzania
11. Madagascar
12. India
13. Australia & Fiji
14. Thailand
15. Vietnam
16. Japan

We're going to plan on a 5 week trip. We have agreed to narrow the list initially based on three factors: First, how much time each trip will really require (not sure I'd be up for 5 weeks in Egypt, for example. . .that seems like more of a 1-2 week trip to me, to do what we'd like to see there). The second factor is how much money a 5 week trip would require. 5 weeks in Japan or Scandinavia is probably a little too pricey for a trip that's only six months away, at a time when we are also paying for house renovations. The third factor is temperature. We have agreed that if the average daily temperature is below 60F during November-February (the approximate time of year we will be traveling), we will cross it off the list. My rationale for this is that when you're on vacation, you spend a lot of time outside walking around, and cold makes me--and hence Terrific T.--miserable.

We're off to breakfast, and then to the bookstore to read and work on narrowing the list. I love our Sunday breakfasts together.

Today's Update

Guess the tequila shooters might be all yours. . .my monitor still says "low." O-ish pain is gone, which would be standard for the day after. Tomorrow's temp will decide. . .stay tuned.

Has the Monitor Failed Me?

I am in love with my Clear Blue Easy Fertility Monitor. I think it's because I'm a slacker by nature, and it helps me to be lazy about even babymaking. It tells me the two days I HAVE to have sex, and anything after that is extra credit. I temp most months, too, so I can cross-check ovulation, 'cause I'm crazy like that. One of the things I figured out was that I ovulate late, but by having such specific records, I also realized that I get ovulation pain. Before I started charting my cycles, I always associated those monthly one-sided stabby pains with indigestion. What can I say--I'm kind of a dummy.

So anyway, I'm on CD18, and still "low," according to the monitor. BUT. . .

I have stabby one-sided pain.

Betcha a pair of tequila shooters that I get a "peak" tomorrow, with no "high" days, and my temp spikes on Sunday morning.

This just in

I had a lovely visit with my new GI dr. today. No, really--if I had to be talking about squirting out blood and mucus with anyone but y'all, she was a good candidate. She actually listened to me (gasp!), took the time to asuage my considerable fears, and went over everything thoroughly with me. She is GI#5 on my 10 year tour of Digestive Alley, and the first to do any of the aforementioned.

But then there's the bad news: Colonoscopy next week. Ick. She told me and I burst into tears. Not about the fact I need the test (past history told me I was going directly there without stopping at Go or collecting $200), but rather because of my last experience. For the last one, I was medicated and left alone in a hallway at the hospital. Unlike my D&C, when they let my husband stay with me until the last second, for my first colonoscopy, they made my husband stay some waiting room even before I went in. So there I was, completely alone, no nurses anywhere in sight, when all of a sudden I felt like someone was sitting on my chest and I was unable to breathe. I was unable to get anyone's attention for the looooooongest time, and THEN when I finally did, they told me it was all my fault and I needed to RELAX because I was having a panic attack. Uh no, I'm having a panic attack because I can't breathe, you ass! They remedied the situation by then giving me so much medication that it knocked me out completely. When I finally woke up, they discharged me, but I was still so medicated that I was unable to even walk, so they pushed me out to the car in a wheelchair. I was vomiting in the hallway, because I was so sick from the medication. I can't imagine that you're supposed to discharge patients that are so sick they can't even walk. I'm not even sure why Terrific T agreed to take me out of there then, other than perhaps out of a fear that might do something even worse to me. I was so overmedicated that I literally went home and slept for like 18 hours. I remember sort of becoming aware at one point that the cat was laying on my head and it was uncomfortable, but being too medicated still to even make him move. Needless to say, this has scarred me.

The weird part today was that as soon as the doctor saw me start to tear up, she knew exactly what I was afraid of, and she told me what she was going to do to allay my fears. I so appreciate doctors who actually listen to and address their patients' fears. Maybe I'm not the only freak who is afraid of being medicated, and it happens all the time, but even if she THOUGHT I was a freak, she was nice to me.

As for diagnosis, she also said that I have in all likelihood one of two problems: Behind Door A, I still have the bacterial infection that was caused by the original antibiotic for the ear infection, and I'm not responding to the current treatment, which means I'll be put on a different antibiotic. Or behind Door B, my proctitis has recurred, and I'll be put on med's. The good news is that since there's no downside to putting me on the med's for the proctitis, she started me on it today, and gave me a lovely parting gift of free samples, as well.

The colonoscopy is scheduled for next Thursday, the day after my Dr. HooHoo appointment. She also said TTC is out until I'm healthy again, which was no surprise, either. She said my current problem would probably interfere with fertility, anyway. Since I'm on CD17 with no high on the monitor, I would tend to agree with that assessment.

I have to say, I feel a lot better just having a plan, and someone who will listen to me. Maybe by the time the Big Project is over, I will have both the girlyparts and the rest of the underworld in proper working order, and we can actually MAKE the baby in Borneo.

Nothing much

I got nothin' this week. Work is crazy. I'm exhausted. I'm still suffering from shall we say the delicate condition of my digestive system. I see the specialist tomorrow. I keep having minibreakdowns and crying because this is soooooo not where I want to be. I want to be healthy. I want to feel good. I want to go to sleep and wake up 6 months from now and have behind me the Big Project and the long climb uphill that I'm worried I'm facing with my health. And, I'm on day 16 of my cycle, and still registering "low" on the CBEFM. I've never gone to day 16 without hitting high, so even though we're not even TTC this month, I'm starting to freak out a little about whatever the hell is wrong with my girlparts. See? Nothin.' Well, nothin' good.

Sugar and Spice and Everything Nice

I've spent the last few hours working on my gift for my mother for mother's day. Truthfully, it has left me feeling empty and depressed. I'm taking a bunch of my mother's recipes and putting together a cookbook that's also filled with photographs of my brother and I over the years. I'm going to create a hardcover copy using Blurb . At first, it was really fun to dig through old photos. But as I waded back through my life, through a decade of smiling, carefree photographs of Terrific T and I, through a happy montage of my own childhood, I couldn't help but fixate on what is missing from my life. Isn't it funny, isn't it awful, how you get sideswiped by The Angst when you least expect it?

Warning: Disgusting Digestive Discussion Ahead

I'm sorry, you probably don't really want to read this. But it's not something that I can discuss anywhere else, and this is where I put all of those discussions that I can't really have anywhere else, so here we are discussing the current delicate state of my digestive system. Be forewarned that I have a form of a colitis-like disease more particularly known as ulcerative proctitis, which has been well-controlled for about 8 years, which is alas apparently controlled no more.

My regular doctor, hereinafter known as Dr. NonHooHoo, calls at all hours of the day and night and on weekends, thereby providing a level of customer service I have never before known with a medical professional. Seriously, at 8pm this week she called to let me know the results of my bloodwork (which, as previously noted, were fine). While speaking with Dr. NonHooHoo, she asked some specifics about the current status of my digestive activities. Her last words to me were that if the toilet fills up with blood, I need to get in touch with them ASAP, but I am otherwise to see the specialist on Thursday, who will take it from there. She is of the opinion that the course of antibiotics I was on in March for an ear infection caused an overgrowth of a specific bad bacteria in my intestines which has in turn caused a recurrence of what had previously been well-controlled proctitis. Indeed, I am in proctitis-like discomfort, so she is probably correct. Unfortunately, there was A LOT of blood this morning when I went to the bathroom. My doctor's office isn't open on Saturday, but I'm sure I could get ahold of Dr. NonHooHoo, since she offers such fabulous customer service. The question is, what can be done for me if I do? I am not in any real pain, and I feel fine. There wasn't as much blood the second time. But still, quite a bit of bright red blood. Ugh. I so don't want to deal with this. TTC is clearly now many months away again. Thank god there's Borneo.

In other news, as my digestive health continues to deteriorate just as we were trying to actively TTC again, I have not been able to help but feel like someone is trying to send me a message that I shouldn't be TTC right now. I told Terrific T that I felt like maybe someone was trying to send us a message that we shouldn't have kids, since it's been one thing after another since we started (and then stopped) trying again. He said that he wanted to speak to that person who was trying to send the message, because he had a few things to say to them. He always manages to make me laugh, even when things are really crappy (pun intended).