I have utterly and completely dropped out of summer camp. I just feel so uninspired to post, even with Calliope's inspiring prompts. I am still in the waiting space, even with the happy results of the ultrasound.** I should feel more relief than I do, with such a positive ultrasound. After all, in the past, our problems always happened before we saw the heartbeat. With Miss M, we saw the heartbeat and--spotting aside--we never had another problem. But somehow, I am still waiting for the other shoe to drop. I don't know if it's my own experiences or my friend's recent late-term loss or the heartbreaking stories that many women have shared across the internet. The sum total of all of that seems to be that my heart simply can't let this feel real yet. I need to get the CVS behind me, and we are still four weeks away from that. It feels like an eternity, and I dread the test itself. I need good news from that, and the first trimester behind me, to feel any sense of relief.
But there is positive news, beyond the ultrasound. I've had no spotting. That is such a relief, after spotting throughout my pregnancy with Miss M. There are some pregnancy symptoms, albeit minor ones. I'm tired and ravenously hungry, and I get up a bajillion times in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom. I swear, this child must be a boy. I was never hungry like this with Miss M, but I am constantly starving--and right after I eat! It's absurd. I wake up hungry all the time. Two days ago I had a bowl of cereal for breakfast, then a bagel with cream cheese and an orange juice two hours later, then a GIANT sandwich for lunch (chicken and avocado on literally half a full size baguette), then a huge fruit salad two hours after that, then a giant dinner. It's so unlike me to get hungry at all. My pants are already getting tight, and it's no wonder!
So onward we go, holding on to the bits of good news while still bracing for the bad, and waiting for it all to pass. There are some things that are easier about doing all of this for a second child. You're more prepared for high seas, and you know that you'll weather any storms better. But time still creeps by very slowly.
**Welcome, ICLW-ers. My full history is accessible through the link on the sidebar, but the long and short of it is that after a bit of a rough time getting pregnant and a couple of miscarriages, we had a healthy baby girl in January 2010. We are a Clom.id success story (there's hope!). With the clock ticking (I turn 39 this summer), we started trying for a second child back in June, again with Clom.id. We somehow managed to get pregnant that very first cycle, and now I'm navigating my way through the first trimester.