Saturday, July 2, 2011

Waiting

The story is quickly becoming all too familiar. . .no spotting at all during the day yesterday. I really took it easy, I didn't do our 3 mile walk last night, and I drank loads of water yesterday. Yet, just like clockwork, at around dinnertime, the cramping started, and then the spotting. It wasn't as heavy as it was a few days ago, and it was pink rather than red, but still. . .there was more than just a "spot." I went to bed early, and there's no spotting this morning. I'd like to test again to see if the line is getting darker or lighter, but I ran out of FRER's, and the line at the drugstore was realllllly long, and since it was the one near my office, I didn't want to be standing in a long line with a pile of pregnancy tests. That could have been awkward.

This is frustrating, this in between place of having the positive pregnancy test, but not knowing whether it will last. I'm not excited. I'm not sad. I'm just. . .waiting. Every day, I wait to see how things will go, and whether I have something to be excited or sad about. Every day, I feel like I get a little of both. Argh.

I called my doctor's office for the progesterone yesterday, but no one was there. No one. I guess I need to sort out this little bit of things with her. On Fridays, she apparently practices in some sort of clinic setting, rather than her usual private practice. While she has a big modern office that looks to me like a regular OB practice, I take it that everyone actually practices individually, and they all have individual staff. Her secretary was out for the day, so that meant. . .no help. I'll need to sort out with her what I should do if I need help on a day she's not in her office, and whether she has anyone who covers for her. Monday is not a holiday here, so hopefully I'll be able to sort things out then, if there's anything to sort out by then.

I'll be taking it easy this weekend, and hoping to find some clarity. Even if it's bad news and this isn't a viable pregnancy, I'll be okay. The end of one cycle means the beginning of another one. At this point, with my success rate being 1 baby for 3 previous pregnancies, I've learned to live with the negative outcomes. It's THIS that I find so hard, this place of not knowing whether I'm coming or going. I feel like I can prepare myself for anything, once I know what I'm faced with, but the unknown is so much harder.

3 comments:

Eb said...

oh babe, what a dreadful place to be. You sound way more composed about the whole thing than I ever was.
Sending you lots of tea and sympathy.

slowmamma said...

I'm sorry about the uncertainty. It's clearly time to teach your ob what an on call doctor is.
I have no medical expertise but I know that sometimes early spotting is associated with multiples.

My fingers are crossed for you.

Heather said...

Hang in there. The good thing is that you have had the positive tests the previous day. I realized reading this I've never had a positive home test. All my positive tests were blood tests at the doctor and I didn't want to POAS as I was superstitious that it would make everything end up negative.

Hope things are going well this weekend.